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“Shh! Here he comes!”
Herm readied his party popper as the door opened.
“Surprise!” they all shouted, a small shower of streamers and glitter cascading down in front of the wholly unimpressed face of Herman’s boyfriend.
“No,” Chad said flatly, then he turned and walked away.
“Chad!” Herm called, starting after him, but Alice stood in his path. “Let me talk to him. I’ll take the brunt of his grumpy ass attitude.”
“That’s not very fair to you.”
She shrugged. “I’m used to it. And this shit was my idea too.”
Herm watched her saunter away and deflated where he stood.
“Aw, buck up, lad!” Colm was saying, patting him on the elbow and holding up a drink. “If he doesn’t want to partake in Janelle’s legendary seven-layer taco dip, that’s his loss.”
Herm grimaced and sipped the drink. He coughed as it burned the back of his throat. “Is this just pure whisky?”
Colm shrugged. “Were you expecting a Sprite?”
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Chad was halfway down the block when he heard the tell-tale click-clack of Alice’s stilettos.
“You’re going to get corns,” he spat, not looking at her as he blew a cloud of smoke into the air.
“And you’re gonna get cancer, gimme that.”
Chad passed her the joint and she took a long drag. “What is your problem?” she asked through her held breath.
Chad huffed. “I don’t do birthdays.”
Alice exhaled. “But it’s a big one. For–”
“Don’t! Don’t even say it!” Chad pushed a hand through his hair. He’d gotten it done today, thinking he was having a quiet, romantic birthday dinner with his boyfriend, not some fucking spectacle.
“Forty!” Alice shouted. “Get over your damn self.”
Chad growled and shot a fireball at the ground. “You should have told him not to do this,” he urged.
“It wasn’t just him. I helped.”
Chad balked at her. “But! We agreed! After 35, no more birthdays! I’m done ageing.”
“Tell that to your hair,” she said, eyeing the gray streak that was hanging in front of his face. He pushed it behind his ear. “You said it was sexy.”
“It is. So why are you freaking the fuck out?”
“Just–” He gritted his teeth. “Forty. Fucking forty, Alice.”
“I know, bitch. I can count.”
“Herm is twenty-eight. He’s in his twenties and I’m in my forties.” Oh God, Chad thought. That was fucking depressing, saying it like that.
“And?”
“I’m too old for him. He should be with someone younger.”
“You have been together for two years. Why are you suddenly worried he’s going to dump you for someone younger?”
“It’s just…26 and 38 doesn’t sound as bad as 28 and 40! I’ve got fucking gray hair! I’ve got fake teeth!”
“You’ve had that fake tooth for years, that ain’t relevant.”
He sighed. “There’s nothing to celebrate. I’m just old.”
“You don’t think there’s nothing to celebrate? You’re alive and you are not in jail. How many 40-year-old villains can say that?”
“Ex-villain.”
“Exactly. You turned your shit around and now you’ve got a cute-ass boyfriend and a bunch of friends who made appetizers. You got ex-villains out here making vol-au-vents and shit. Because they want to celebrate you. Don’t be a little bitch.”
He dragged his eyes from the charred concrete to look at her, but then his eye caught the glimmer of a street light against metal and he saw Herm there, his piercings glittering, an awkward smile tight on his face.
“Okay, " he grumbled. "I’ll try not to be a little bitch."
“Thank you,” she said, taking another hit of his joint. He reached for it but she snatched her hand back. “Nah, this is mine now. Asshole tax.” And she click-clacked away.
He watched Herm and Alice share a knowing look and then his boyfriend walked closer, slowly, as if approaching a feral dog.
“I’m okay,” Chad said, immediately wracked with guilt at the concern etched into Herm’s face. “Sorry.”
“N-no! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have planned a surprise party. I didn’t know.”
Chad shook his head. “It’s nice. It’s cute. You’re cute.” He grabbed his hand and pulled him close. “I’m just being insecure.”
Herm’s eyebrows shot up. “You? Insecure?”
“Shut up.”
Herm pressed a kiss to his cheek. “What’s going on?”
“When you’re my age, I’m going to be 52. Do you ever think about that?”
Herm shook his head. “No. I figure you’ll get sick of me before that happens.”
“What? Why?”
Herm shrugged. “I don’t know. I know there’s a big gap in our ages. And I know sometimes I can be a bit child-immat-boring? I guess sometimes I think maybe you will decide you want to be with someone who is more mature. More…experienced.”
Chad rolled his eyes. “Oh right, because I’d love to trade in my hot young boyfriend, whose sexual skillset is tailored specifically for me, for some old ass fag who doesn’t give a shit about me. Sounds great.”
Herm laughed. “Well, good, okay then. So what are you worried about?”
"Fuck, I don't know. You’re getting better all the time. And I’m just getting…old.”
“Azizam,” Herm whispered, kissing his temple. Chad chuckled.
“Don’t fucking azizam me right now.”
"You're getting better all the time too. I see it, everyone sees it."
Chad eyed him. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. That's why they are here. For you."
Chad sighed. Alice was right. He was being a little bitch. They had all been so excited for his reaction, and what had he done? Walked out. Well, whatever. At least he was on brand.
"Okay, okay. You want to celebrate how fucking awesome I am, who am I to stop you?"
Herm chuckled and pressed a wet kiss to his cheek.
"Watch it, don't wipe off my tint."
Herm grinned at him. “Are you sure you don’t want to be with someone more mature?”
Chad squeezed his hand. “I’m sure. Are you sure you don't want to be with someone more immature?”
Herm giggled. “I don't think that's possible.”
“Okay, haha, fuck you.”
By the time they got back inside the party was already underway. Alice was DJing, Mal and Sonar were on cocktails, Colm and Jan were in the kitchen, Royd and Bruno were on the balcony, deep in conversation, Chase, Visi and Mandy were dancing, and Rob and Beef were warming the couch, as usual.
“There’s the birthday boy!” Mal shouted. She passed him a fiery cocktail. “I’m calling them Flaming Chads.”
He snorted and sipped the drink.
“You’re supposed to blow out the fire first,” Mal said.
Chad shrugged. “What’s the fun in that?”
An hour later, tipsy and stoned, they all squeezed into the living room, shouts of, “Do mine!” and “Open mine first!” echoing from his friends.
Chad reached for the smallest box in amongst the pile of gifts.
“That’s from me!” Victor called.
He opened it. “Viagra?”
Victor laughed. “Because you’re old!”
Chad cocked an eyebrow at him. “Bitch, I’m a fucking bottom.”
Victor’s shoulders sagged. “Oh. Well, I’m happy to take it back, if you don’t want it.”
Chad threw the box at Herm, who reached out at the last minute, fumbled it, and smacked it across the room to hit Rob in the face.
“Nah, I'm sure can find a use for it.” He winked at Herm, who was bright red, unused to so much attention on him in regards to his sexual performance.
In amongst the joke gifts of licensed Waterboy underwear, a hot pink fire extinguisher, and butt plug-shaped ice cube trays were some very thoughtful things indeed, but the ultimate was from Alice.
“Herm’s gonna kill me for this,” she said, placing the large box at his feet. “Sorry, Waterboo.”
Herm furrowed his brow at the box.
Chad tore at the wrapping. He laughed. “A karaoke machine?”
“Yup. So now we can have karaoke nights at home instead of going to those lame ass bars. It even has a built-in projector for the lyrics so everyone can sing along.”
He clutched the box in his lap. “This is fucking sick. Thanks, bae.” He leaned over and kissed Alice’s cheek. Then he grinned at Herm, who was looking at the karaoke machine as if trying to imagine ways to make it accidentally fall off the balcony.
“You keep your wet fingers away from this,” he warned.
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Okay, that’s it!” Colm called from somewhere in the crowd. “Time for cake!”
After the cake, which was printed with a photo of himself– “Your favorite thing,” Alice had joked–they did karaoke until the neighbors threatened to call the cops. This seemed to be the cue for most people to head home. A few people were still milling about, tidying and nursing drinks when Herm walked over, sat in his lap and kissed his cheek. “This isn’t so bad?”
“No. It’s great. But I’m getting pretty tired.”
Herm nodded. “I still need to give you your gift.”
Chad grinned. “Does it involve Viagra?”
Herm shoved him in the shoulder. “I do not need Viagra.”
“Could be fun though. We can save it for a special occasion.”
“On that note,” Herm said, standing up. “Come on. They can let themselves out.”
Chad met Alice’s eye and she waved him off. “I got it.”
Chad followed Herm into the bedroom collapsed on the bed. He was exhausted. Was this old age or just good weed?
"Sorry I didn't give you your present in front of everyone. I got a bit anx-nervous," Herm said.
"Really? Why?"
“I'm not that good at giving gifts. I always get you stupid things.”
“They aren't stupid, they're useful!" Chad said, reaching for him. "I needed a vacuum.”
Herm took his hand, still sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Yeah but they aren't romantic. Or even fun. When I look around your apartment, I don’t see any of the things I got you, because they aren’t even worth looking at.”
“I still have them all,” Chad insisted. “I have all your things.”
Herm took a deep breath. “Well, I got you something different this year.”
He grabbed his overnight bag and pulled out a large flat box. Chad expected art or a photograph but it was a headband…with ears.
“I know we can't go to Disneyland without being crowded by lots of people," Herm began, "but we aren't celeb-well known in Florida. Plus, those parks are way more-better anyway. And I already asked Zahra and she said it was fine-okay.”
“Wait, what?”
“You said that you wanted to take Dahlia to theme parks when she was older. Well, she's older.”
Herm gestured to the box in Chad’s hand. He pulled back the tissue paper to find a stack of plastic cards. Park passes. He'd actually done it. Holy shit.
“Herm, this is crazy. It's so expensive. What about Agnes?”
“She insisted, actually. Now that she's in the home she said she wants me–us–to go on more adventures. This is actually from both of us. Is it–do you like it?”
“Fuck yeah I like it! This is awesome!”
Chad pulled him in and kissed him. The exhaustion of only a few moments ago was gone, replaced by bubbling excitement. A trip, a trip together, with his niece. He couldn't believe it. He pulled back and stared at Herm, so overwhelmed with emotions he was surprised the bed sheets hadn't caught fire yet.
“Hey, uh, I do really like this, but could I ask for something else, for my birthday?”
Herm cocked an eyebrow at him. “Visi and Mandy are passed out on the couch.”
He chuckled. “No, not that. I ate way too much taco dip.”
Herm shook his head. “What then?”
“You’re right. I would like some more things around the apartment that remind me of you.”
“Oh, okay. Like what?”
Chad shrugged. “Dunno. Your clothes. Your music. Your guitar. You.”
Herm blinked at him in shock before schooling his face into something more relaxed. “Are you asking me to move in with you?”
“Yeah, unless you want to sleep on Robert’s couch for the foreseeable future.”
“You know that’s only until I find a place.”
“Well, there’s a place for you here, if you want it. I wanted to ask you, when you said the house had sold, but I was worried it was too soon.”
“Yeah, I mean, we’ve only been together two years," Herm said in a rare show of sarcasm. "We shouldn't rush."
Chad laughed. “Well, I’m an old man. I’ll be dead soon.”
“So this is your dying wish, for me to move in with you?”
“Sure.”
“Well, then, I guess I have to.”
Chad grabbed him and pulled him close. He was old as shit but suddenly he felt like a little kid. “You really want to?”
Herm kissed him on the cheek and smiled. “Yes, I really want to.”