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She understands now.
Why she’s walked through the two years of her life feeling disjointed, misplaced and unsynchronised.
Why it felt like there was a disconnect between herself and anyone she tried to connect with.
She understands why, even though she had found a beautiful place to live; a vibrant town that was safer than anywhere else she had been on the surface, with her brother, some of her friends from the vault, and new friends made on the surface - including Max - she didn't feel complete.
It wasn't a sudden realisation. Well, it was gradual and all at once. She'd known the moment that they had arrived here that something was missing, a tether severed, making her feel unsettled. Her heart ached and something tugged at her soul to do something about it but she didn't know what that something was. She hadn't acknowledged it right away and yet deep down her body craved something she knew she shouldn't. It yearned for a life that wasn't good for her, for a someone who lingered in her thoughts for every day that passed.
Two years.
Two years since she had last seen him. And the dog. She was glad he had Dogmeat with him - at least, she hoped she was still alive. She hoped he was still alive.
She had kept an ear out for any news of the infamous bounty hunter and occasionally small whispers would carry through from traders. He was up to his usual antics by the sounds of it; stirring trouble between problematic groups, destroying vaults and hogtying bounties. Where possible, she'd ask traders to pass on a message if they ever saw him; 'I hope you're practicing the Golden Rule out there!'
Lucy couldn't help but smirk when any new story about him reached her ears; the memories of her time with him would always flash through her mind, then her heart would seize at the loss she felt. Her smirk always fell from her lips and an unexpected sadness would creep in, like the murky clouds of a radstorm. Storms at the very least cleared the air once they left, but the sadness that Lucy felt never fully faded.
At first she could brush it off, put it down to the fact that he had been familiar, he had become her first constant in the Wasteland when it had been so alien and terrifying. He had been an anchor to reality and her first honest guide. Then her life changed again once they parted ways and she needed to focus on adjusting to this new, more permanent settlement.
She'd not even gotten a chance to say goodbye.
Once her father had been killed in Vegas after a rather traumatic encounter, she, Max and Thaddeus had travelled with Cooper on his hunt for his family. It took a few months. A few months more of Lucy and Cooper bonding, learning about each other and…something else that hadn't been there before Vegas. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on. Or maybe she could, she just wasn't ready to accept it. Nor was he. He did eventually find his family - well, he'd found out what happened to them - and it seemed at least that Janey had lived a safe life in a management vault. One far more luxurious than vault 33.
She knew he'd put on a brave face. Whilst he was relieved knowing that his daughter had been happy and safe, she knew that grief still clung to him like a tightened lasso. On their journey towards this town she now called home, she'd wanted…what was it that she wanted, exactly? What could she ask of him? A man who had already given her so much. A man broken and sad.
Lonely.
He'd slipped away whilst they mingled at a welcome party in the town square. Like she'd known deep down that he would.
A note was left in her pack back at the small town central shack she and Max now shared.
I ain't fond of goodbyes, so I hope this’ll do. Take care, Vaultie. Thank you for being you. I'll see ya around. C.
At the time, she didn't understand why she'd sobbed over the following weeks whenever she had a moment alone, but eventually it got less frequent, especially once she started working around town doing various jobs to keep the excitement alive. She put on smiles for Max, she told herself she was happy. Max was kind to her, sweet and she’d guided him on lovemaking so he felt comfortable around her.
They had good sex, sweet sex.
But that tugging never ceased. It became increasingly incessant as time went by. Constant…distracting.
That distraction caused a slip up in her cycle tracking about six months ago. It was too dangerous to have a baby in the wasteland. That's what Lucy told herself. So she was rigorous in her tracking until her dreams of him became so frequent that she was only half-present in her reality that her carelessness with Max meant she missed a period.
Fear struck her at the thought, only it wasn't because of the risks - it was because she knew Max…Max wasn't her endgame. And that hurt because…he was everything she should want in a partner.
But he simply wasn't the one.
She was both relieved and appalled at said relief when she began to bleed. She didn't even know if she really had been pregnant, but either way, it helped her refocus.
No one seemed to recognise how lonely Lucy MacLean was except her brother. Always the perceptive one. He'd never met Cooper, but she'd told Norm all about him. He had given her one of his knowing smiles, but hadn't said anything more.
Three months ago she ended her relationship with Max. She couldn't do it anymore, especially when his friend Dane was so obviously in love with him and Max had naturally drawn closer to them in the last ten months. The way Dane looked at him? Lucy could understand. Because that's how Cooper made her feel. Max was sad, but he'd accepted it.
So now, today, Lucy stood alone in her kitchenette, chopping up some of her own backyard grown vegetables. She was going to make a harvest stew and have her brother and friends over for dinner. Her back was to the front door, which lay wide open, as she liked to do, allowing the view of the dusty street outside to spill through. She heard the neighbour’s children playing out there, like they always did. It was a nice sound, a happy sound and they were good kids. Sometimes she would lend a hand in teaching them at the town school.
A dog barked - probably one of the farmers coming into town - and she heard the kids cheer and fuss over the animal.
And then she heard another sound. Quiet at first, but unmistakable and familiar.
The soft jingle of spurs.
Lucy froze at her countertop, the hand that held her knife shook. The jingling grew louder until she knew they were right outside of her doorway. She put the knife down, heart in her throat and turned.
There he was.
Like no time at all had passed, he stood, looking as charismatic as ever with that swagger and side smirk. He lifted his hat off his head and stepped inside.
“Hey, Vaultie.”
Suddenly, it all clicked into place, she no longer tried to deny how she was feeling, how much she had missed him. Tears began streaming down her face, but she smiled, big and wide because gosh darn it he was here. She didn't care that he had left without seeing her face to face, that he hadn't come back sooner - it didn't matter - because seeing him again was all she needed.
“Hey you.” She managed to squeeze out. “You took your time coming back.”
Cooper’s smirk fell, dropped his gaze to the floor and Lucy could see his cowboy facade dissolve into nothing. He seemed older, softer…vulnerable.
“Wasn't goin’ to come back.” He said quietly. “I wasn't sure what I was doin’, after I left you. I stayed away to give you a chance at life, like you deserved.” He looked up at her then, with eyes hard yet as fragile as glass.
Lucy wondered then, had he felt that tug, just as she had?
“I would have still had that life even with you here. I wanted you here, with me.” It was the truth. The hard, honest truth that she'd avoided admitting to herself for two years.
Cooper stepped closer, but carefully, like he was afraid he would scare her.
“I know. Hell, I never wanted to leave you. But sweetheart, I didn't have anything good to give you - Tin Can soldier man might have been a pain in the ass, but I knew he would give you a good life. That's why I left the way that I did.” His smirk returned as he glanced off to the side as if in thought, whilst Lucy's heart cracked wide open, then he looked back to her. “Your messages kinda became hard to ignore, though.”
Lucy laughed through her tears and she took a step towards him.
“They got through, huh?”
Cooper smiled, the widest, warmest smile she'd ever seen on him. It caught her breath and her heart sang. He really was back.
“They got through.” He replied. “So…how is it here?”
Lucy brushed away her tears and fought the urge to run to him, to heal all her hurts like she knew he would.
“It's, uh…nice. It's a good town, we feel safe. My brother made it here about a month after we did, so it made sense to stay.” Cooper smiled at that, but it looked sad to her.
“I'm happy for you, Lucy.” He said, fingers tense on his hat. “You and Max ever get hitched?”
“Oh…no, no we didn't. We were together up until a few months ago.”
“Really?” He asked, his eyes widening. “No little ones?” He stepped closer again and Lucy wondered how she was ever able to resist storming back out into the wasteland to drag his ass back where he belonged.
Lucy shook her head.
“W-what, um, did you get up to? Aside from the usual violence.” She asked and gave him a nervous laugh.
Cooper looked down at the ground again and she saw his mouth open and close as if trying to work out what to say and his face drew into a frown. After what felt like an eternity of silence, he finally spoke. His voice was just above a whisper and it cracked as he spoke;
“I…just missed you a lot.”
He lifted his head up again and swallowed hard. His eyes - his beautiful hazel eyes that she had dreamt of so many times - they spoke of a depth of loneliness no one could truly understand, pain that no one else had experienced and yet, through it all, his golden heart was still there.
Lucy knew right then that she wouldn't let him go another day without knowing how much she loved him. It wouldn't heal all of his wounds, but she knew she would never stop trying.
So that's why she took a step closer and another, and another, until she was standing almost toe to toe with her former companion. Her own hazel eyes met his and she wrapped her hands in the edges of his duster that lay against his chest. She felt the warmth of his arms wrap around her waist and his hands burned hot against her skin through the thin material of her grey vest. The scent of him; leather, chems, blood and something uniquely Cooper enveloped her sense of smell, the scent still so familiar to her. He scanned her face, his lips parted slightly as if not believing she was in his arms.
“Life has been so lonely without you, Cooper. I tried. I tried so hard to be happy but no matter what, my thoughts always came back to you. Nothing felt right without you. I wondered what you were doing, were you gazing up at the stars like we used to? What games you were playing with the dog?” Her voice dropped to a whisper; “You said you missed me. Did you really think of me that much?”
Cooper pressed his forehead to hers, breathing harder than before. She let her eyes close to take in the feeling of his skin against hers.
“Yes. Lucy, you were in my thoughts from the moment I woke up until whenever I slept again. Even then, you seemed to follow me there, too.”
She chuckled at that. “You can't get rid of me that easily.”
“Apparently not.”
“You were in my dreams too.” She lifted her head so they could face each other again. “More and more. Sometimes so vividly that my heart would break when I woke up and…you weren't there.”
Cooper reached up and caressed her cheek with his thumb and smirked again.
“What exactly were we doin’ in those dreams, Ms MacLean?”
The question meant it was Lucy's turn to smirk and she pressed herself into him. His breath hitched at the proximity
“I think it would be easier to show you.” She whispered, teasing.
A pause. A moment, suspended in time where they simply stared into each other. That moment before they crossed over from what was once a lost connection to something found, something to last eternity.
He kissed her first. And Lucy knew she had found her home, the way he had found his way back to her. No one had made her feel this alive. No one except Cooper Howard. And no one would.
He was the only one.