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Today’s the day. My very last mission for G.U.N.
It’s an odd feeling, I must say. After this mission, I’m handing in my badge to the new commander, and from then on, I’ll be a regular citizen, as far as G.U.N is concerned.
I’ve worked for this agency at over a decade, but I knew, I knew the moment they started policing what agents were and were not allowed to do in the public that it was time to for me to leave.
Apparently, the change in policy is largely due to a set of accords the United Federation forced the agency to sign, but the politics of the matter don’t really concern me. G.U.N. can say that they’re going to do all sorts of things whenever they want. It’s what they actually do that’s important, and I don’t care how they sell it to me– I’m not going to be bound under their control.
I’ve been a criminal in their eyes before. I’m not afraid to do it again if necessary.
It’s a bit strange, though, because this mission is different. My only order is to “tame” my target, whatever that means.
At first, this mission wasn’t even assigned to me. As a matter of fact, I wasn’t even aware of this mission until the commander told me she was reassigning it to me and me alone.
I’m more than used to working alone, even when doing missions for G.U.N. They’re more than aware of how capable I am, so they usually leave it to me, but still…
I know I’m missing something.
G.U.N. policy has always, always been to debrief agents on the details of a given mission they’re assigned to, no matter how late they’re assigned. Usually this includes a summary of the threats involved, who is potentially in danger, how much area needs to be searched, and whatever else is necessary to grasping the situation at hand.
And, well, I cannot say I know nothing, but I also can’t say I know everything, either.
The first matter is the threat involved– even if G.U.N. doesn’t know what it is, they provide a rough description, like “big and tall with a lot of bulk,” but not here. For this mission, I have only been informed that the threat is “monstrous,” which doesn’t remotely narrow it down.
What’s stranger still is the second matter– I wasn’t informed on who might be in danger. All I got, regarding that point, was a garbled sentence from the commander about a “potential major incident” if I didn’t act quickly… which, again, isn’t helpful, as dangerous, deadly things tend to cause incidents if left to their own devices.
The only matter I’m actually informed on– thankfully– is location. It’s a remote forest within the United Federation, one that I’ve visited before, around last year, but it’s not a place I know much about.
Though, now that I’ve been wandering aimlessly for the better part of an hour, I have a couple questions.
Firstly, why here? This place is empty. Sure, there’s a swarm of wildlife and flora surrounding me, but it really seems like no one lives here. People may camp here, but I find it hard to believe anyone would choose to live in such an isolated place on purpose.
Second… what’s the issue? Even if there’s a large campsite I haven’t spotted somewhere in these woods, I hardly see how G.U.N. would mark that as a “potential major incident.” Sure, the loss of life to anything is a tragedy, but I was under the impression, when I was sent here that I’d be facing some beast of titanic proportions whose roars I’d hear from half the forest away, yet here I am, playing hide and seek with a “monster” that might not even exist.
G.U.N. is not the type of agency to play a prank on me, either, is the frustrating part. Were this Robotnik’s idea, I would’ve passed it off as an elaborate distraction minutes ago, but it isn’t. It’s an order from the commander, who sent me, specifically.
And yes, I am capable of this, just as I’m capable of handling much larger scope projects like heists and bomb threats. But I would think G.U.N. would have better things for me to do than walk around a twisting thicket looking for something I don’t even have a description of.
What a mess. I’m half-tempted to warp away with Chaos Control and tell the commander that I’ve dealt with it already, but she doesn’t trust me like Tower did.
Then again, what do I have to lose? This is my last mission. After this, I won’t be an agent anymore. There’s nothing stopping me from calling it quits now…
Nothing except failure. In all my years, I’ve never failed a single task assigned to me. Not even one, and I’ve faced challenges that would get some agents killed.
So what if I lack information? I’ve worked under worse circumstances before, a few vague instructions stopping me would be shameful.
I’ll catch this beast, and I’ll tame it. To run away from this now, just because I’m frustrated would be a coward’s move, and I’m no coward.
“Alright…”
Take a deep breath, and focus, Shadow.
I can do this. I will do this.
It’s in the span of only a moment that I begin to move once more, without hesitation, without pause, and with purpose. But I’m not walking anymore, I’m running, sprinting into the fading sunlight, all the noise of the forest fading into the rushing, chilly wind.
Everything in my vision blurs, like the world itself is frozen, and I’m skating across it. It’s in this rush, this raging rapid run that something odd happens…
Clarity. As the whole world is thrown into a chaotic cacophony of noise and color, clarity blooms behind my eyes, silent yet vigilant.
It’s odd, really. Something about the race invokes a sort of manic euphoria, a dancing carousel of sensation that both excites the body and relaxes the mind. The only thing I can see is forward, and forward is obscured within the intensely flashing spectrum of shades.
The wind is like a river, and I am a craft, pushing against its current, yet inviting its wrath.
Nothing else matches this. Nothing else invokes these same sensations, this same calm.
Nothing… with a small exception.
I’m not sure when it started. When our intense, worldwide races became a tradition, rather than simple competitions. I’m not sure when our shouting turned to regular conversation, or when conversation turned to discussions of the future, discussions of…
Slowing down. A change of pace. A strange prospect, one I was sure I’d never chase.
Things have changed, though. Robotnik said his farewell years ago, G.U.N. changed their policy, and we… we got older.
When we lived together, Maria always said that when she got older, she wanted a nice house on a hill where she could own a flower shop. For a long time, I didn’t understand why she’d want that, but…
I don’t have forever. My nature guarantees that I will go on, mostly unchanged, for years to come, but the same cannot be said for those around me. One day, they’ll meet the same fate as Maria, and I’ll be left alone again with only memories.
But I don’t want to forget. It is my mission, ultimately, to make sure that when the day comes, I do not repeat the mistake I made with Maria. I want to remember them, all of them, and I want to remember them well.
I will never find someone who will last. This is a truth I have known for a long time. To be honest, even if I could have someone like me, I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t only be selfish, to wish this curse on another, it would be downright cruel.
Life was meant to be impermanent. To live forever, to never fear the end, is not to live at all, but to simply exist. Anything I strive for, I can get done. If I wanted, I could rule the world for a day, just to see how it feels. But who am I doing it for, other than myself? Anyone I answer will eventually not be around to thank me, and besides, why should I treat my immortality as an excuse to use the world as my plaything?
People have lives, after all. Lives that are theirs, lives they deserve to live by making their own choices, by following their own paths. Black Doom sought to destroy that freedom, to rule so utterly he dominated the mind, but that is not who I am.
I am Shadow the Hedgehog, the so-called ultimate lifeform, a meaningless title that only served to be a bragging point for the powerful and a reason for the fearful to target me. To truly create the ultimate lifeform is to create something perfect, something holy, free of mistakes. In other words, an ultimate lifeform, should it exist, would be alive, yet incapable of living.
Perhaps Gerald truly thought the only way to battle the impossible was with perfection, so he created a cure, a weapon, an experiment, but not a Mobian.
One day, a long time from now, I suppose, the world will have moved on to the next generation, leaving only me in stagnation. But I am no fool. I won’t turn a blind eye to progress, I cannot pretend like that.
It is not my job to be a hero forever, but while I remain, while those I know remain, I can still fight for something. There may be no tangible enemies, but there are still those that lurk in the darkness, in its deepest depths, waiting to strike.
My job has never been to be a hero, nor a villain. It is to fight, as vigorously as I can, for the future Maria wanted to see, a future where more people can be happy. It is a job that will never be finished, but that does not mean it is useless.
Criminal, hero, demon, angel, it makes no difference to me how I’m seen, because I will always know, no matter what, that I am fighting for those that come after.
…It’s selfish, really. I’ve known it was since the beginning. After all, it’s not my place to interfere with the lives of others, I don’t exist like they do. But I belong here. This is where I was meant to be. This is where I would’ve been, had Gerald not infected me with Black Arms DNA. This is where I would’ve died.
Despite knowing the paradox, knowing that this contradicts what I believe, I continue to perform this facsimile of life. Because my presence brings joy, because I enjoy my presence.
It’s a fantasy, idyllic, one that I’m part of, despite the fact that I wasn’t supposed to be included. In a way, I could call it home.
Yet at the same time, it wants me, it needs me, and I am welcome.
It’s odd, isn’t it?
For all that I know, all that I understand about my existence, the world has found a way to tell me I’m wrong, over and over again. Perhaps it is a ruse, a lie to make me believe I can exist like the rest, but it doesn’t feel that way, somehow.
It feels…
It feels like this rush. Like the desperate chase that we do, just for that special feeling.
But I don’t mind. Perhaps it is a toxin that’s made its way into my mind, but I don’t care if it’s selfish, I’m not letting go of this feeling just yet. As long as the world lets me, I’ll take it, and when the time comes…
Maybe I’ll buy a notebook, or perhaps a few dozen. It’s likely to be decades before they see any eyes but my own, but they’re not really for others, anyway.
They’ll be to create. To create is to dream, and to dream is to remember.
Maybe the future won’t be so bad. I may not be intended to be included in it, but if the world insists on doing so, it’s not much use to me if I don’t try to enjoy it just as much.
Is it selfish? Almost certainly. But clearly, I’m still here for a reason, and as long as I continue, I’ll strive to find that reason.
That is the future, though. A time farther yet all the same closer than I believe it is. But I do not fear it, because no matter what I do, the time will pass all the same, and the only thing worse than time wasted is time lost, and if I spend my whole existence fearing what’s next, I’ll miss out on what the present has to offer me.
Heh… I suppose, if I said that out loud, a certain blue hedgehog might say “that’s why they call it the present, Shads. Because it’s a gift,” or something to that effect. He’s always been like that, even in the toughest times we’ve faced together. I suppose that, more than anything, is what started it.
It annoyed me, at first, because it seemed almost naive, almost immature to hope so strongly. I believed he was lost in a constant fantasy, a world where everything would end up alright in the end.
But… it’s strange. As time went on, I started to believe that hedgehog. After all, if everything goes right in the end, and things aren’t going right, then it must not be the end yet. That’s what he said to me, when it seemed like the world was gonna end.
Eventually, I found myself trusting Sonic. Trusting that, even if I disagreed with his methods, he’d do the right thing, and we’d make it out on the other side.
What’s even more strange, though, is when he started to trust me.
When I first heard those words, I could hardly believe it. What had I done to earn his belief? But then it began to dawn on me.
Because I trusted in him, in his words, I began to follow them too, in my own way. Freedom has never meant the same thing for both of us, but disagreements stopped becoming heated arguments and eventually became small nods of understanding, which, in turn, became their own kind of trust.
Sonic knew, even if I believed in a much different method, that I would also do the right thing. I’m not sure if I ever told him about my promise to Maria, but it didn’t really matter, because with our little system, I made another promise, one neither of us said out loud, but we both understood.
I promised to trust him, and he, in turn, promised to trust me, when the time was right. And though “the time” has often been vague, we’ve always understood when to defer to the other.
In trusting Sonic so deeply, I began to feel other things around him, as well. At first, I called my feelings a burden, as they were unnecessary, and they hindered me. After all, what use was being practically frozen in his presence when we had battalions of robots to fight?
But then it dawned on me while we were raiding one of Robotnik’s bases…
He felt the same way.
It was so odd, to realize that. To see him freeze in the same way, it felt… unnatural.
I wasn’t quite sure what it meant, initially. At first, I thought it to be frustrating, because now there were two hedgehogs stumbling along, instead of one, and that wasn’t very helpful.
Then, as always, almost as if it had been planned from the start, there was the race.
It was just like every other race we’d ever done. The same rush, the same taunts, the same bragging and the same stunts.
That race reminded me, though. It reminded me of that feeling, that feeling that I hardly wanted to escape, the rush that I enjoyed the most.
The same rush I got with him. The one I thought was useless.
I felt so stupid that I hadn’t realized before, but then again, I think I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe it came from him, of all people, the most annoying hedgehog in the world.
…Why did I feel that way, anyway? Looking back now, it was so… immature.
Then again, it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve run headlong from the truth.
It was in that realization that we embraced. I didn’t fall on purpose– I had tripped over a rock in my carelessness, but Sonic, that hedgehog I trusted… he caught me.
I don’t know why I expected him not to, but for some reason, I doubted. I doubted, for just a moment, that fleeting instant, that he would keep his promise.
That’s not the Sonic I know, though. It never has been and never will be.
I still remember what happened that day. We had raced all the way to a remote island that he had fought Robotnik on years ago, and there was no one around.
It wasn’t our first time embracing. There had been brief moments, during the time when I still thought my feelings to be a burden. It hadn’t been like that before, though.
For the first time since I lost Maria, I felt loved.
I’m not sure how long we spent there. It was probably at least a few hours that we sat together in utter silence, enjoying each other’s warmth, but it felt like only a few minutes.
Lucky for me, though, I got to experience it as many times as I wanted. I suppose I could say I fell in love, as if love were some trap, waiting to be sprung on me.
…You know, I’ve been running for twenty minutes, and I still feel no closer to my target than I did an hour ago as I skid to a halt again. And as nice as it is to think about my partner and our moments, it’s not particularly helpful to tracking my target.
What is helpful is that I can smell a musk, emanating strongly not far from where I stand.
I’ve smelled many kinds of musk on my missions before, and this is a forest, but… it’s different. Musks are usually somewhat environmental, dragging strong scents from the region in question, but not this one.
If this musk came from a creature of the forest, it would be earthen, muddy, yet gentle, and this musk is none of those things. It’s salty, sweaty, and rough, so bitter I can almost taste it as each whiff lingers in my snout just a little longer than usual.
Well, it seems as if wandering aimlessly paid off. It was a bad idea, but, then again, it was the only idea I had.
Strange. Despite this scent being so abrasive, so different compared to its surroundings, I don’t mind it. Typically I tend to be disgusted by an out of place smell, but this…
Hm. Something has just occurred to me, and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. If I recall correctly, there are two types of musk on Mobius, broadly speaking.
The first and most common is for camouflage, disguising a creature by making it smell like anything else in its environment.
The second type of musk is produced by specific creatures to calm their prey. It’s intense, entrancing, and much more noticeable than other smells around it… just like this musk, in other words. It’s dangerous, because usually creatures who use it are much more vicious than your standard beasts.
I’ve gotta tread carefully, then, if I’m right and this is my target. I can’t get caught with my guard down around a monster, no matter how calming its scent is. I’ve got a mission to complete, one that begins and ends with taming this beast. Nothing less, nothing more.
…It doesn’t help that this is my first encounter with such a scent, meaning I’m far less prepared than I’d like to be.
Focus. I can do this. I can do this.
It’s not that far away. Not much longer, and I’ll be done with this mess.
I can do this. I can do this.
I’ve done much harder things before. I can do this.
Just a few more steps, and I’ll–
W-what is that?
It’s… it’s shaking gently, not looking at me, but it definitely noticed I’m here, I heard it snort. Probably in part because I accidentally stepped on a branch, but I was going to have to introduce myself to the beast eventually.
“Why are you here, Shadow?”
It… it knows me? This hulking, spined, fluffy wolf-thing knows my name? That’s never a good sign. I should’ve said no to this mission. I should’ve known this was a bad idea.
…No. I can’t back away now because of a little fear. I don’t give up that easily. It’s so close…
“I was told you were causing trouble,” I say firmly, “so I’m here to tame you.”
No reason to beat around the hedge– I’m making my intentions clear.
The beast scoffs.
“Who gave you that order?”
“The commander did,” I say shortly, “and I intend to follow it.”
“She sent you?”
“She was going to send a squad, but she changed her mind last minute and assigned me.”
The beast chuckles softly.
“Of course…” it trails off wordlessly. “I knew something like this would happen. I knew it.”
“Why? Are you familiar with G.U.N. operations, beast?”
The beast turns itself towards me, its soft green eyes glowing in the faint moonlight.
It kind of reminds me of… but no, it can’t be him…
“Intimately,” it says simply. “I’ve heard what the new commander wants plenty of times from you and from Rogue. She wants me dead, Shads.”
“I was only told to tame you,” I reply, “you might notice that doesn’t include killing you.”
“No, but that’s what she meant,” it says bitterly. “She wants me out of the way so she can have more power. She knows as long as I’m around, I’ll keep causing her trouble, because I’m not going to allow her to control any part of this world, no matter how bad she wants to.”
That sounds so familiar… but this beast, it’s not– no, that’s ridiculous. He’s still at home, probably with Miles, playing games or something.
“Problem is, she’s persistent,” it continues. “And she promised me last time we met she’d take me down, so tonight… I ran. I ran as far as I could, so that Tails wouldn’t have to be in danger… So that you wouldn’t have to be in danger. Turns out, I didn’t account for her sending you after me anyway.”
It-it’s…
“Sonic,” I say hoarsely.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, scratching one of his massive ears. “I didn’t have time to tell you what was going on, but I wanted to…”
“W-what’s all this?”
“Oh, you mean this?” he asks pointing to himself. “Hah… It’s a long story, but I call it werehog, though it’s probably more accurate to call it wolfhog, since ‘were’ means man… whatever. In any case, it’s back, which means Dark Gaia’s presence is strong tonight.”
Dark Gaia… I’ve heard of that before, from Tower. If I remember correctly, it’s something Robotnik was thinking of toying with, though, knowing his history, I can guess how well that went.
“I suppose that means the commander knew about this,” I say flatly. “Though, that does make me wonder… how did she know?”
“I was thinking that, too,” Sonic says, crossing his long, stretchy arms grumpily. “I think G.U.N. might be involved with the increased Gaia activity lately, because I’ve been feeling some of the werehog’s effects during daytime recently.”
“That’s odd…”
“It’s not just me, either. Whatever they’re doing, it can spread. Tails accidentally nicked himself on one of my claws and he’s been acting up since then…” he trails off, shaking his head. “Chaos, I hope he’s alright…”
“So, why here, then?”
“I was here a lot the last time I transformed into this,” he explains. “It’s a bit of a hideaway for me, one that not many know about.”
“She did, apparently.”
“Yeah, I know… It’s just, this place is so large, she probably gave up looking for me.”
Ah. That would make sense. This place is rather huge.
“So, do you feel alright? Does anything hurt?”
“No, I’m fine,” he says casually. “At least, as fine as I can be running for my life.”
“That’s good…” I trail off, mumbling quietly to myself.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do now,” I say flatly. “I came here because of a mission from the commander, and I was asked to tame a beast. I thought I’d encounter some vicious thing, but instead, it’s you.”
“Well, I am a beast,” he says quietly.
“You can’t be tamed, Sonic,” I say pointedly. “People have tried a hundred times and failed, because you resist the idea of control with your very being. The commander must’ve thought that I’d be capable of the task, with my strengths, but I’m not. I am going to fail this mission.”
“And?” Sonic asks, looking up at me. “What would happen if you did complete this mission?”
“I-I don’t know…”
“Do you have to complete this mission, Shads?”
“It was assigned to me.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I’ve never failed a mission before,” I say shortly.
“It’s not your purpose,” Sonic says gently.
I…
“What?”
“It’s not your purpose,” he repeats. “You told me that yourself, remember? You’re not a weapon or a cure or anything like that. You might’ve thought so in the past, but you definitely don’t think that now. It’s funny, Shads, because I do resist control by my very nature, but so do you. Did you forget that, Mister I-Rebelled-Against-My-Creation-To-Choose-My-Own-Path?”
“I… I suppose I must have,” I say solemnly.
“Failure is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of imperfection, which you can’t escape,” Sonic recites. “A certain hedgehog I know said that a long time ago.”
Heh… It’s been, what, over two decades since then? I’m not really sure, anything further than a few days ago tends to fade into the abyss of my memory, lost and discarded.
Well, almost anything, anyway.
“Thank you, Sonic,” I say with a smile. It used to be rare that I smiled like this, especially on purpose. I thought I never would again, until I met him.
“No. Thank you for coming out here, Shads. I know I told you to go away, but… I appreciate the company.”
“Well, I didn’t exactly come here by choice,” I remind him.
“Heh… I know.”
“I’ll deal with the commander at a later date,” I say, taking a few steps closer before sitting across from him.
Sonic simply nods, the same nod we’ve both done for a long time, the nod that says, without saying: “I trust you.”
“You know, she never told me to come back by a certain time,” I say slyly. “And it’d be a shame to leave now, knowing your fate.”
“Shadow,” Sonic says suspiciously, “is this your roundabout way of doing it anyway?”
“Maybe,” I say with a shrug. “Though, it has been awhile, Sonic, you must admit.”
“That’s true…”
“She had the wrong logic, but the commander ended up picking the perfect person anyway,” I continue. “I can’t control you, Sonic, nor would I ever want to, but I can keep you in check, just as you, tonight, have kept me in check.”
“To keep me from running too far, right?”
“Exactly. I’m more than capable of catching you, but I don’t want to have to chase you. Not again.”
“Heh… I used to afraid, y’know. Of this, I mean. I thought if I stuck it out, I’d lose what got me running in the first place, the drive for adventure. Turns out I didn’t have to, though.”
“Likely a consequence of your stubbornness,” I say dryly.
“And yours,” Sonic adds. “You’d never settle for someone that tried to control you, either.”
“Hmph. I suppose.”
“Guess it’s a good thing you stayed stubborn then, huh?”
“It certainly didn’t hurt me that time,” I concede.
“Oh, c’mon, Shads. There’s no reason to be grumpy. You’re safe, and you’re doing fine.”
Safety. A luxury that felt a world away not that long ago, but one I’ve found myself getting used to again.
With safety comes the room for failure, the room for imperfection.
I am not the Ultimate Lifeform. No such thing ever has or ever will exist. To achieve that goal would be to create a husk, a body living without a soul.
But I have a soul, I am alive, I have feelings, and I am me, which is to say I am imperfect, flawed, far from Ultimate in any sense of the word.
Though my body shall persist forever, my being, my self might not.
Black Arms aren’t invincible, after all, despite what Black Doom thought.
On that day, the day that I die, the Ultimate Lifeform will exist, exactly as intended, to serve nothing and no one, for to be perfect has no definition, no standard.
That day is not soon, and it is my hope that it never comes.
That is what I have gained, in trusting him. Hope.
Hope that one day, some day, when everything has changed, I can keep moving forward.
But I must not get lost in what may or may not, in the possibilities and “what-if”s of my future. The joy of my life is in the present, and it is a gift I intend to cherish.
“You’re right,” I say gently. “I’m not being tracked, after all…”
“You said yourself she never said when to come back,” Sonic says. “Maybe for tonight, we can pretend things are normal again, and another night, it’ll be true.”
“That’d be nice. That’d be really nice.”