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1. hand holding
Dan grabbed Phil’s hand as they wandered down the street, a casual occurrence still foreign to the both of them. The weight of it, as solid as Dan’s palm gripping Phil’s, made Phil shoot his partner a sideways glance, trying not to display how much it was affecting him…
…which immediately became obsolete when he stumbled over nothing.
The hand Dan was holding clutched on tighter and pulled Phil back to an upright and stable position. “Sorry,” Phil murmured and Dan laughed and pecked his cheek.
“It never fails to surprise me just how clumsy you are, Philip Michael Lester.”
Phil grinned sheepishly, squeezing Dan’s hand as an additional physical apology. Dan squeezed back, the fondness in his gaze enough to send Phil probably stumbling again if they’d continued walking.
“You don’t like seeing me fall for you, Daniel James Howell?” Phil responded, giggling as Dan rolled his eyes and continued on down the street, still holding Phil’s hand. Probably more of a precaution now than anything else.
Probably.
“I’d rather see you fall into our bed than onto the pavement and have us end up on our thousandth trip to the hospital.”
“Stop it!”
2. cheek kiss
They’d been out for a couple of dinner dates since announcing to the world (or at the very least the online world) that they were in a relationship, including the infamous phone scrolling dinner that they’d mentioned on the podcast. The second one had gone slightly better… until Phil knocked his sauce ramekin onto his lap and made the spill worse by trying to clean it off with a napkin. Almost thirty-nine years on earth and Dan gave himself credit for keeping his clumsy partner alive for sixteen of those years, as Phil then proceeded to spill his glass of water onto the floor as they stood up to pre-emptively end their date.
“I promise this time it won’t happen,” Phil said as Dan’s watch hit the eleventh minute past when Phil began putting his shoes on. “I swear, you can hoard all the dips on your side like you do at home.”
Dan shook his head slightly as Phil finally stood up, linking their arms together. “You’re not gonna have a choice bub, we’re not leaving early this time, not on my watch. The watch where I have literally timed you taking eleven minutes to do your shoes up. How does it possibly take you this long to put on one clothing item?”
“I am a man of many talents, you know this.”
“Now’s not the time for sex jokes, we have a booking to get to.”
“Why is everything a sex joke to you?”
Dan raised an eyebrow with a smirk. “I am a man of many talents, you know this.” They reached the taxi and Dan opened the door, gesturing for Phil to slide inside first as he gave the taxi driver a small wave. Phil smiled at the gesture, removing his linked arm and sliding his fingertips down Dan's arm to connect their hands instead.
“What a gentleman,” Phil murmured, pressing his lips to Dan’s cheek before sliding into the backseat. Dan bit back what he knew was an absolutely lovestruck grin before ducking in after Phil, immediately grabbing his hand again.
Phil looked over, his look of surprise quickly morphing into a radiant grin that Dan returned.
“First date tonight fellas?” the taxi driver asked, smiling a toothy grin at them in the rearview mirror. Dan glanced at him and then back at his partner, who he was about to spend a public, phone-less and hopefully spill-less dinner with.
“Our third date, actually,” he replied, squeezing Phil’s hand. He received an enthusiastic squeeze and a grin in response. “With many more to come.”
3. dancing
They very rarely did this.
In fact they never did this, unless someone in their lives forced them to.
And that was exactly the predicament Dan and Phil currently found themselves, sandwiched against one another in a sweaty, packed club on a rainy January evening. Their friends that were staying with them that weekend had forced them to come out to gay club in central London, where they proceeded to pull them both onto the busy dancefloor. One of them had gone to get drinks, which was fine for the lightweight that was Phil, but not so much for Dan, who knew he needed something stronger than a watered down vodka-raspberry to get him even the tiniest bit tipsy.
However, it was the first time they’d been out in a club like that without having to be wary of how close they stood to one another, how often they touched, how many phones were in their line of vision and trained in their direction. And as the night wore on and the drinks piled up, they found themselves almost giddy with relief at the fact that they didn’t have to be cautious anymore.
Phil wrapped his arms loosely around Dan’s neck whilst Dan’s own slid down to Phil’s waist, pulling him closer. They leant their foreheads against one another, eyes closing, letting the thump of the music and the intimate press of the other wash over them; a sense of peace in an otherwise chaotic environment.
They relished in it. Because they finally could.
Dan’s eyes were sparkling when Phil looked into them, and Dan wished he could go back in time and tell the younger version of himself that this was his life now; that he’d overcome his fears and was enthusiastically grinding against his boyfriend in a gay club, surrounded by others like them. That he loved Phil as much today as he did back then. That he is so proud of himself, of Phil, of them, and of the online community they’d created and helped discover their true selves along the way.
Phil will tell Dan all of this later, in the comfort and solitude of their bed with bodies covered in glitter and sweaty from exertion. He’ll curl into him in the aftermath, whisper all of these sentiments into Dan’s ear like he’d reached into Dan’s brain and plucked out each of those thoughts one by one. He’ll feel the shake in his partner’s shoulders and hear the sniffles muffled into his bleached hair. They’ll fall asleep like that, despite their resistance to cuddling in bed, and wake in the morning still tangled together.
But some days they needed this; to feel the arms of the other around them as their eyes blink open on a brand new morning, grumbling at the body glitter spread throughout their bedsheets that’ll likely still be there no matter how many times they (Phil) will run them through the washing machine. They’ll go about their day with their friends, saying their goodbyes in the evening before collapsing into their sofa, social and physical batteries drained. They’ll jokingly tell themselves that clubs are not their element, but punctuate the conversation with grins that reveal everything that was shared the night before.
And when their friends come to stay at theirs again for Dan’s birthday five months later, there may not be as much hesitation as they’re dragged to a club at midnight, spending the warmer summer night with their bodies intertwined and encased in glitter once more.
4. physical touch
Phil gets a migraine when they’re out running errands.
Usually he’s aware of when they’ll appear the moment he wakes up, but he and Dan had already slept in later than they would’ve liked and the morning was more rushed than usual as a result. The signs Phil was usually aware of were pushed to the back of his mind as they got themselves together and set off into the London crowd.
Phil realised his mistake an hour into their trip, pushing a shopping trolley behind Dan in the freezer section of their local Tesco. He was watching his boyfriend alternate between looking at the list in his hand and perusing the shelves, his tall, lanky figure morphing from clear as day to blurry around the edges as the migraine began setting in.
“Shit,” Phil murmured, squeezing his eyes shut tight against the sudden, jarring brightness of the store. He should’ve known that morning, with the dull ache in his skull that he woke up with. He should’ve stayed home, or worn the Doomed cap, or take Ibuprofen or-
“Phil, hey bub, you okay?”
Phil opened his eyes, though it took some effort and was barely more than a squint. He’s greeted with Dan’s face, features pinched in concern as he brushed the back of his hand across Phil’s forehead. He unconsciously leant into the touch, Dan’s hand cool from the manhandling of freezer section supplies. Dan said, “migraine?” and Phil hummed absentmindedly.
“Okay, we’re going home then.”
Dan manoeuvred himself so he was pushing the trolley with one hand and pushed Phil into his side with the other, walking at a slower speed to the front of the store so as not to jostle Phil too much. Phil buried his head into Dan’s shoulder, one eye open only slightly so he could have some semblance of where he was walking, but otherwise letting his partner take the lead. Dan booked them a taxi as the store clerk scans their items, eyes flickering towards Phil worriedly.
“Is he okay?” she asked as Dan began helping her bag the items at an impressive speed. Dan nodded and murmured something in response that made her shoot them both sympathetic glances. They finished up and Dan repositioned Phil against his side, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and lugging the two grocery bags in his other hand.
Through the painful throbbing, Phil vaguely registered that Dan had never been this affectionate in public when Phil’s been in that state before. Those times themselves are rare, occurring only when their lives have been so busy he’s neglected his basic healthcare. But where Dan would usually have a hand grazing lightly against Phil’s back to guide him, that time it was his entire arm holding him close enough Phil could smell his shampoo. Where there’d be space in between their bodies as they walked to the checkout, this time Dan made sure Phil’s entire body weight was leaning into him. And where the Dan from ten years ago would panic at the thought of having his lips anywhere near Phil’s face, he now had them pressed to his forehead as they waited for the taxi in the mild London heat.
“‘M sorry,” Phil mumbled into the clutch he had on Dan’s shirt, the harsh light of the sun far worse than the artificial one in the Tesco. “Should’ve known. Should’ve stayed home.”
“No, none of that negative talk about my boyfriend, please,” Dan responded immediately, and Phil’s mouth twitched into a smile despite himself. “I should’ve paid more attention, or made us slow down, or something. We’ve been busy, one of us was bound to feel the effects sooner rather than later. I’m sorry it was you, bub.”
Phil wanted to say that none of that was Dan’s fault, either, but his brain was too foggy to form words and all he could manage was a small shake of his head that he hoped Dan understood. If the soft, lingering press of his lips against Phil’s forehead, followed by a whispered “I got you”, is anything to go by, Phil thought he did, and he held onto Dan tighter until the taxi pulled up beside them.
5. kissing
Valentine’s Day for Dan came with… mixed emotions.
For one, he was fortunate enough to have spent the past seventeen of them with the love of his life. How many people could say that? How many people who were not yet forty could say that? And for their relationship to still be as healthy and strong as it was after everything?
Yeah, Dan would take every opportunity he could to celebrate that.
On the other hand, the one he held over a pot of boiling water, ready to dive straight in on Dan’s command, he and Phil could never celebrate the holiday properly. The theories that would spread if there was even one spotting of them out and about on Valentine’s Day. The pictures that’d be analysed, no matter how mundane and devoid of detail they were. Not to mention the year Phil’s video dedicated to him had leaked and almost tore them apart.
Whilst that fear had lessened over the years, as fans matured and more pressing worldly matters emerged in people’s news cycles, it still lingered at the back of Dan’s mind. Besides, he and Phil were never the romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant type, even if they weren’t in the public eye. Their first date, before anyone knew who they were, was at a Starbucks followed by a Tesco frozen meal. They were hardly the pinnacle of luxurious romantics.
But this one, their first one out as a couple, Dan knew was important. It was special. He wanted it to be special, like every other milestone of theirs that they no longer had to hide. And he wanted them to be out in public. He wasn’t scared anymore.
“I’m not gonna lie, I was not expecting this to be our first stop for the evening,” Phil said as the London Eye came into view on Valentine’s Day. Dan raised his eyebrow but said nothing and Phil continued.
“Not that it’s bad, of course, it’s just that last time we got the free private - well, sort of private - booth, and you know I’d be more annoyed than anything about spending all that money on a private booth. Shit, sorry, we’ve not even started and I’m already ruining it-”
“Phil.” Dan stopped them, pulling them to the side of the footpath and rubbing his hands over his tense shoulders. “It’s okay, bub. Just trust me, okay? I have this under control.”
There’s a pause, Phil letting out a breath and lowering his shoulders beneath Dan’s touch. He smiled and nodded, grabbing Dan’s right hand still resting on his shoulder and lacing their fingers together. Dan smiled in return, kissing the hand Phil threaded through his and continuing towards the towering circular structure. Around them, other pairings were doing the same, strolling hand in hand in the same direction as Dan and Phil. Dan caught the eye of a woman beside them, her arm slung around the waist of a shorter, blonde woman. Her eyes flickered briefly to Dan and Phil’s intertwined hands before she glanced back up, a fond, knowing smile on her face. Dan returned the gesture, a warmth spreading through him that had been there for a long time now, but never that powerful. The woman’s look had been one that’d been mercilessly directed to him and Phil over the years, but Dan’s response was never warmth, always a cold, existential dread.
But now. Now, tears prickled at his eyelids for a completely different reason, and he nestled his face into Phil’s hair. Phil squeezed his hand.
“You okay?” he murmured and Dan nodded into the crown of his partner’s head.
“Never better.”
When they reached the Eye’s check-in, Dan took notice of Phil’s face, noticing his expression morph from one of caution to one of excited surprise. “Oh hey, it’s you guys again!”
The employees from their anniversary experience greeted them much the same way as the previous time; with giant grins and a wicker basket. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” one of them said cheerfully. “You should know the drill now, please follow us.”
Phil raised his eyebrow at Dan with a smirk. “What have you done, Daniel?” he chuckled.
Dan grinned, butterflies swooping in his stomach as they approached their destination. The only butterflies he liked, because they appeared as a result of the man beside him, staring at him like he had his own butterfly swarm inside of him. It never failed to make Dan thank his eighteen-year-old self’s internet stalker dedication every time he saw Phil’s smile. “You don’t know the half of it,” he responded, biting back a grin at Phil’s curious stare.
Dan’s gaze, like almost every time he looked at Phil, travelled to his lips shortly after. They stood out against the pale glow of his skin and white of his hair, and Dan had said once that if Phil put strawberry flavoured chapstick on them then he’d probably end up biting them off. It’d caused Dan immense pain in the past that he couldn’t just lean in and press his own lips against them, people and their phone cameras and corresponding rumours as a result of both those things combined be damned.
But that’d all changed four months ago.
So this time, he doesn’t hold back.
Phil’s lips don’t taste of strawberry-flavoured chapstick, because Dan had accidentally bitten too hard into them when Phil did put some on, just as an experiment. But that was the furthest thing from his mind as he pulled Phil in closer, feeling the other man’s own arms around him when he eventually registered what was happening and reacted. Dan chuckled, smiling into Phil’s mouth.
“Shut up,” Phil murmured back, before kissing Dan again.
Vaguely, in the background, Dan thought he heard someone go “awww!” And maybe, once upon a time, he would’ve immediately retreated, grabbing Phil’s hand and using their long-legs to their advantage to speed away from the situation.
But in that moment, on a day that had once upon a time brought up so many mixed emotions he’d been too afraid to confront, he only cupped Phil’s face in his hands and kissed him harder, the small weight in his coat pocket an exciting reminder of what lay ahead. For Valentine’s Day that year, and every single one after.