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"So," she begins, dropping into the seat beside him and thrusting a page of hastily-scribbled sheet music in his face, "I was thinking of adding violin to Unde, you know, because Till's doing guitar and I thought you might like to play an instrument onstage too-"
"Mizi," Luka says, giving her a long, slow look, "Not right now. I'm tired and you aren't helping."
Her expression crumples, but he doesn't have it in him to feel bad. "…Okay," she replies, softer this time, and briefly she considers saying more, because this isn't right.
Luka is a lot of things. Beautiful, angelic, a masterpiece, a pain in the neck… Depending on who you ask, Luka can be anything at all.
Mizi knows all of that. She also knows that on a good day, he ranges from monosyllabic to catty to downright mean, but he has never so suddenly dismissed her before. He didn't even sound sorry, he just pushed her away like he would Ivan or Till.
It's not that Mizi is clueless. He and Sua each have days where they ignore nearly everyone and hardly seem to realise it. They go away for hours or days and say only that they were with their guardians, nothing more. Sometimes the week after Mizi will see Sua on a billboard and think, why did I worry so much?
When Luka goes away, he always comes back tired. Mizi doesn't know why and has never thought to ask, but every now and then he has a new scar, or a new course of treatment to deal with. She knows he is weaker than he should be - there seems to be an entirely different protocol in place for Luka's emergencies, like when he got into that scrap with Till - and they run tests on his heart, but surely they wouldn't poke around his brain.
Luka has always been considered strange, for a human. He's docile, mild-mannered, but he is also clingy and easily attached. He's the oldest in their class by years, not months, despite acting far, far younger. He makes Mizi create new puzzles for him and solves them in record time. He steals Sua's leftovers when the segyeinri are not looking. He plays violin and is top of every class, and he cries when he thinks Mizi is cross with him.
Luka is an oddity. He shines.
Mizi supposes they are all oddities. Sua is from a family of sisters who look exactly like her, yet are nothing alike. Till can hardly maintain a conversation despite calling the staff every horrible name under the sun. Ivan can't grasp complex emotions, but remains popular and well-liked. Mizi thinks nothing of herself yet the world of Sua, and isn't that a funny way to see it?
Luka has a Saviour and Mizi has a God. It's only right that they met, two bitter lost souls stuck in the same gilded garden. Sometimes Mizi feels he is more like Sua, but Luka does not enjoy being crushed. He accepts it, even as his body stills and his expression sours and his bones crack and fracture under the weight. Luka has learnt to take what love he is given, draw it near and convert it to anger, disgust, whatever it is that drives him. Luka is the self-hating sort, but who in their little group can say otherwise?
Mizi does not want to hate Luka. She doesn't think it's right, to hate someone who has done nothing more than grow into what she longs to be. But she does not always like him, either.
When he does not respond, or murmurs something she does not entirely understand, Mizi thinks Luka is mocking her. He does not do it cruelly. He hardly seems to realise he's doing it at all. But sometimes he is and it hurts and there is nothing she can do about it save turn to Sua and beg for comfort. Or forgiveness. Or whatever silly human thing she wants next. Mizi is a creature of want, and she can't see how what she has will ever be enough for her.
She wants Luka's feather-light elegance and honeyed smile. She also wants to tear him apart and fix whatever is broken inside his head, but she cannot do that, and she will not try.
She wants Sua. Sua. Sua's heart Sua's soul Sua's everything. She wants to be loved by Sua. She wants Sua to hate her only so she can learn to love her again.
Helping Luka. Having Sua. Such silly, selfless desires.
Mizi has hit Sua before. She has hit Sua and cried and been forgiven again and again. Mizi has not hit Luka. She cannot bear to see the confusion on his face, the hurt and the fear. Luka fears being hated more than he fears physical harm.
"Mizi," she hears him say as she stares into space, holograms popping like stars before her eyes, "Mizi, I said I was sorry five minutes ago and you haven't even moved."
Mizi blinks. She forces down her roiling anger and self-loathing and plasters a too-sweet smile onto her face. He knows it's a lie. He does the same thing. "It's okay. What were you saying?"
"You asked me about the violin in Unde Kianko." He points at the sheet music she'd abandoned, now creased at the sides. "I don't know. We're already doing a lot of dancing and it won't work, letting you go solo like that when I play. "
"Oh," is all Mizi says, and she isn't disappointed. Not really. Luka says it so simply, a clear-cut explanation of how her idea will never work. There's no malice in his tone. He's not even condescending, and that's a rare thing. "Maybe we can pre-record it."
Luka nods, toying with the ends of his sleeves. He says nothing at all.
Mizi stands. She considers briefly the sensation of skin splitting beneath her knuckles, decides lashing out is worthless when Luka is so easily damaged, and leaves to find Sua.