Chapter Text
There’s a very specific kind of humiliation that hits harder than all the other ones, and that’s the silent judgment, where people assume the worst about you without even knowing more about literally anything, their view is twisted simply by gut feelings, which always sucked ass, but for Kyle? it seems like God himself has a judgment of his own.
…thirteen, that was the amount of dates the redhead went only this year and they were all failed attempts of getting himself a goddamn girlfriend once and for all, but he simply couldn’t, it was seriously like a divine curse. Was he destined to become a monk or something?? he certainly thought this could be possible at this point. The worse of all is that he’s almost 20 years old and still hasn’t done anything romantic! not even a fling, he was desperate, was is that hard to get a single peck nowadays? doesn’t seem that hard for guys like Kenny or Stan but honestly Kyle didn’t have the time of the day to be jealous of his best friends and since he really needed a hand at this point he basically begged Stan to help him out, he has a girlfriend for god’s sake! so why not get his super best friend a cute little friend of Wendy’s? It turned out that it was harder than he thought it would be, sure his curse already makes it insufferable but really? how can somebody have so many grannies and how tf can they all die at the same time?
The redhead was so done, he promised himself this would be the last date he would attend before turning himself into a priest or isolating himself at some forest.
Kyle arrived at the café at 3:45 p.m, he wasn’t that nervous it was just another date like any other
He would make small talk, he would be lucky if she looks at him in the eye instead of her damn phone and maybe just maybe she won’t excuse herself to the bathroom and disappearing without a trace, but really, at this point he’s being too optimistic.
He took a deep breath, glancing at his reflection for the last time adjusting his hair before leaving his car. Kyle straightened his clothes, he looked just fine, his mom and Ike said so before he left, but he wasn’t that sure about that, his self esteem hasn’t been the best lately. Anyway, he gathered some of the courage left in his body and entered the small café, immediately the scent of coffee and biscuits attacked his nostrils, it seemed pleasant enough, he hopes his date thinks that too. The boy took a look around to spot her, anxiously expecting to be bailed once again but he’s glad he spotted her already waiting for him at the corner, he let out a sigh of relief but still he was tense, there’s s lot to happen yet. Slowly, he made his way towards his date, as soon as she spotted him she waved and offered him a welcoming smile, Kyle’s heart flutters at the sight and he mustered a shy smile of his own in return, finally sitting down in front of the girl.
“Hey, you must be Kyle, right?” Says the pretty lady with the warm smile, her radiant eyes and dark skin are absolutely stunning and her aura is comforting by look, Kyle let himself relax a bit as he looked her. He composed himself, not wanting to look like a creep by ogling her like that, so he cleared his throat and extended his hand for a friendly handshake.
“Yeah, that’s me, and you must be Nichole right? Stan has been saying nice things about you.”
He watched as her cheeks got a bit pink and she waved the compliment off
“Oh c’mon, Stan’s just too kind he and Wendy are great huh? I heard they have been together since elementary.”
Kyle smiled a bit more, the girl is really sweet he’s got a good feeling about her already.
“Mhm, Stan really loves her, i can’t really see him with anybody else at this point.”
It’s true, Stan has been a total simp for Wendy Testaburger since they were like 10 or something around that age. The two had a phase of going on and off for a while but now the couple was finally steady and Kyle was sure he will get to be a groomsman very soon or he hopes for that, it also depends if Stan won’t mess up again or something. But anyway, he didn’t wanted the only subject to be Stan, maybe he can try to find something that both enjoy?
“So um” Kyle started, clearing his throat to hide his nerves “What do you like to do?” Good job Kyle, way to be a complete dork, he’s glad that Nichole seems unfazed by his lame way to start the convo
“Oh um, i really like to go out with my girlfriends and sometimes i play basketball.”
Basketball? is she from heaven? Kyle was in awe, he never got the opportunity to meet a girl that enjoys basketball too. “Wow, really? i-i well, i used to be team captain back in middle school” he says, trying to hide how excited he truly is by the news.
The beautiful girl in front of him smiled at him, those majestic olive eyes of her sparkled with her grin, Kyle was enchanted already maybe going out today wasn’t as unpleasant as he thought it would be, she followed that sweet reaction with words of her own
“Team captain? must have been very busy for you back then huh? i would’ve loved to be captain someday too, sometimes is nice to tell someone what to do, right?” she let out a cute laugh at her statement and the redhead was swooning, maybe his pale cheeks got a bit red, he wouldn’t check though.
The boy chuckled back, nodding his head politely, things are great this is better than any other date he went before normally girls wouldn’t even laugh like that with him
“Hah, yeah the pros of being a captain be an asshole for free and receive discipline right back at ya”
He was rewarded by another little laugh from the lady, Kyle felt a bit smug by now but he needs to hold his horses, this date just started, so deep breaths Broflovski! remember what you learned in class, don’t let it get to your head. Anyway, the redhead assumed it was his lucky day, they ordered their food and the chat didn’t died out in the middle of the digging, wow, this girl must really like me this time, that’s all the little ginger could think about while making another silly joke that made her chuckled.
Nearly one hour passed, Kyle was so fucking happy maybe he finally found the girl for him, he was about to ask her if they could walk in the park or something romantic as that but suddenly Nichole spoke first
“Kyle i really enjoyed our time together today, you’re really pleasant to talk with.”
Good, this is leading to a good conversation, Kyle smiled back
“Although…” she adds a bit reluctantly and Kyle’s face immediately dropped a bit, goddamnit no, here it goes, he knew this phrase all too well already he just knew this beautiful/smart girl was about to bail on him for whatever reason inside her pretty head, but of course he remained stoic waiting for her to continue.
“I really need to confess you something, i wasn’t about to tell you this cause you seemed like an awesome guy but i debated with myself while we were here and i think you deserve to know the truth.”
Holy, of course a smart woman like her would have a huge and articulated excuse just to be fancy about her rejection, just what the redhead needed right now.
“I’m a lesbian.”
Huh? did he heard it right? a lesbian? okay this is definitely new, who goes around leaving the closet for people you just met like that? nobody! but still.. Kyle feels like it’s serious from the way she’s looking at him, so he took a deep breath and asked
“Wait, really? but um.. don’t mind me asking but why did you accepted the date in the first place then?”
Nichole looked down at her hands and fidget with her fingers
“Well, my family is very much against homosexuality back home, my father is like a huge homophobic and would go nuts if he found out i like woman so um when Stan told me you were looking for someone i thought that maybe i could… um.. use you so i could sneak out with my girlfriend? ugh, i know is shitty but i’m desperate!”
Kyle stared at her in disbelief, okay, not only she just admitted she’s a lesbian, fair enough but using him as a cover up? oh no, he might be a loser but he’s not an idiot he won’t let her insult him like that, his ego spoke louder than anything else in the moment, he felt wounded and utterly betrayed for failing for her charms, so with impulses of a gorilla, the tall boy blurted out
“Alright Nichole, since you admitted this to me so bravely i might as well decline your offer because.. i’m gay, and i have a boyfriend too.”
As soon as he heard those words falling for his own lips and the face Nichole did, Kyle regretted his choice so much but soon she opened a huge smile and almost yelled for the whole café to hear
“OMG I NEVER HEARD OF A GAY GUY AROUND HERE BEFORE!! THIS IS SO CUNT AAA!”
Yeah, he’s screwed, the girl he was admiring a few minutes ago now thinks they are besties and would do makeup together in a random sleepover at her house
“Umm, haha.. yeah” he adds awkwardly, and for the first time in his life, he’s the one who wants to escape the date from the bathroom right now
“Omg omg, maybe we could go out in a double date! me and my girlfriend had been trying to hide ourselves for so long but maybe seeing another homosexual couple together we could be more comfortable! eeek! what do you think Kyle??
Absolutely not! he just lied! what boyfriend? there’s no boyfriend he likes girls, girls like the one in front of him how could he possibly think this would be a great idea? great work being dumb as a mule Broflovski your ancestors are probably slapping their foreheads at your stupidity right now, but as he took notice of how excited this girl looks he felt bad for lying so bluntly, he literally just said that so he wouldn’t be the sore loser once again but goddamnit how can he just open his dumb mouth again to tell her it was fake all along? so he did another mistake.
“Sure Nichole, when do you wanna go?”
It’s over for him, definitely, Nichole celebrates by standing up and giving him a warm and tight hug, Kyle wants to scream but at least she’s hugging him and she smells like good feminine perfume, he sighs, wtf he’s going to do now? The two parted ways, Nichole scheduled their double date to two weeks ahead due to her work but Kyle felt restless, two weeks to find someone to pretend to be his boyfriend so he won’t embarrass himself in front of probable two cute girls? he could just bail and pretend he forgot or something like that, but he couldn’t, she’s one of Stan AND Wendy’s friend he wouldn’t hear the end of it if Nichole got upset with him, so what to do, what to do??! Kyle pondered his options for a while, but none made sense for him, he could ask Stan himself but Nichole already knows he’s whipped by Wendy so it wouldn’t work, with a sigh, Kyle realizes that he could try with Kenny maybe just maybe his blond friend wouldn’t leave him in hanging, but only fate will decide that.
….
The walk to Kenny’s was excruciating long for him, his brain was buzzing negatively from all the choices he made today, he saw a pole and smacked his head against it murmuring he was a moron before keeping his track, it was cold as fuck today and the redhead was shivering but nothing will stop him from persuading his friend to come down with him into this mess. Finally, arriving at Kenny’s new small apartment he rented for him and Karen thanks to his two part time jobs, Kyle knocked on the door and waited, trembling a bit from the cold wind that just passed right through him Expecting to see his aloof and tall friend Kenny, he saw the displeasing view of Eric goddamn Cartman, of course he would be here in a time like this, he should’ve expected it, it was Friday and the two normally met at Fridays to do god knows what, as if it was an instinct, Kyle frowned
“Oh my god, not you.”
Of course that only made the bastard smirk, that infuriating shit eating grin that always makes Kyle want to smack it out of his face with his fists “Ohh look what the cat dragged in, a lanky little jew rat, how cute Kahl~” He coos in that sarcastic manner that send Kyle’s fists to immediately curl into balls
“Look you insufferable fat asshole, i wanna see Kenny and i’m NOT in the mood for you today so can you please just go get him before i lose my mind here?!”
Cartman only laughs “Oohh somebody’s in their period, calm down Kahl i think Karen might have extra pads for you sandy and bloody vagina.”
That’s it, Kyle punched him hard on the stomach and when he let out a “AUGH” Kyle walked pass him already fuming as the shithead started to laugh obnoxiously loud behind him, god, he really needs to see Kenny right now. As if an angel had just walked from heavens gate, Kenny appeared from the kitchen wearing his casual attire and eating yogurt, he raises both eyebrows at the appearance of Kyle
“Kyle? damn dude! what are you doing here?” he quickly licked his fingers (which disgusted Kyle) and came in for a bro hug, the redhead held himself from trashing at Kenny for putting his wet with saliva fingers next to him, but he held back since he do needed the boy for a huge favor and hugged back
“Hey Ken, i’m sorry am i interrupting something?”
Kenny smiled brightly as a day, showing off his charming tooth gap “Nah man, of course not! mi casa es su casa! me and the big guy were about to start playing Mario Cart”
Kyle side eyed Cartman for a second, noticing the boy still there, lurking around just waiting to humiliate Kyle, but he needed to be strong and get this over with already
“Kenny, i need a huge favor from you man.”
Kenny blinks “Eesh, sounds serious, what is it baby doll?”
Kyle deadpans “Don’t call me that, but um..” he sighs heavily, preparing himself “i need you to pretend to be my boyfriend”.
Immediately the immature fat guy started to crack like a goddamn hyena
“HAHAHAHAHA WHAT? OMG KAHL! I KNEW YOU WERE A HUGE FAGGOT BUT NOT FOR KINNY HAHAHAHA”
Kyle really restrained himself this time, focusing on giving Kenny the pleading eyes to make him help him, the blond looks confused as hell, he couldn’t blame him though
“Huh? dude, why do you need me to do that?”
Kyle huffs, still trying to ignore Cartman’s loud laughter and “fags” he keep saying at him
“Dude, i went on a date with this girl okay? she was really really cute and you know my historic with girls right? Well um she suddenly told me she was a lesbian and had a girlfriend and all that shit and kinda was using me as a cover up, so i freaked out and told her i was gay and i was also dating a guy! i would never guess she would plan a fucking double date after i said that”
Cartman interrupted Kenny before he could even muster a response and said
“Of course we all know your historic being a pathetic loser HAHAHA oh my god Kyle, you just made my day!”
Kyle yelled at him “OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BIGOTED FATASS!”
Unfazed, the brunette kept going while Kenny just sighed at Kyle
“Dude look, before you say it, i’m sorry man, but i can’t.. i don’t really have the time of the day for that, seriously if i could i would help you but i have my job and take care of Karen so yeah man, i’m sorry.”
Kyle’s face falls completely, he stares at his blond friend and reluctantly he nodded in defeat “Oh shit Kenny, ugh, thank you anyway dude.”
Kenny looks at him with a sympathetic look that only Kenny could muster “Dude maybe someone else can help you, you’ll find it in no time i’m sure of it.”
The redhead was unsure, maybe he’ll just lie his way out and that’s it
“Yeah, i um, i gotta go now dude.”
Kenny nods “Bye man, good luck.” Kyle turned around to leave and already felt hopeless again, he didn’t say bye to the huge asshole and left, leaning against the corridor wall as he thought about what to do, he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. The door opened beside him and Kyle looked up, only to find Cartman staring at him, he frowns again
“What the fuck do you want? didn’t humiliated me enough for the day?”
Cartman was quiet for a moment just looking at Kyle then he says
“I’ll do it.”
Kyle raises an eyebrow “What?”
”i will pretend to be your boyfriend.”