Chapter Text
Alec loves Tetris. And no, not just because it was one of the only games that the Clave allowed Shadowhunters to have on their personal devices. He likes it because it is endless, and it is pointless. All day people come in and out of his office and demand he make decisions with consequences. This game has no real consequences.
So, he was a little bit distracted. Allegedly he was “working” on some paper work at the moment, but he figured he was allowed a short (hour long) break if he wanted one. Besides the work has been overwhelming lately, it feels like he can never come up for air. He and Magnus have been trying to plan a date for the last three days and its been impossible. With Alec’s crazy hours and Magnus’s own insane responsibilities trying to find even one evening was starting to look like a dim hope.
“Ahem!” A high pitched squeaky voice pulled him sharply out of his game.
“Ah! Gremlin” Alec said reaching for his stele. Standing before him was a short creature with a long pencil thin nose. Its giant violent colored eyes contrasted sharply with its neon green hair and orange skin.
The Gremlin rolled its eyes and Alec lowered his stele. These tiny creatures were not actually all that dangerous, they just had a tendency to play pranks and make general mischief wherever they went. Not worth killing, certainly, but also not generally pleasant to have around.
How did it even get in?
“You must be Alec Lightwood,” The Gremlin said professionally.
“Um… Yes?”
“Wonderful,” the creature reached its long narrow fingers into the pocket of its sport coat and places on thin golden framed reading glasses. It was only then that Alec was hit with the realization that the tiny creature was wearing a perfectly tailored suit.
“Um… And you are?” Alec said trying to maintain some politeness.
“Oh yes, of course. My name is unpronounceable to the human tongue, so please call me Mr. Banks.”
For such a tiny multicolored creature Mr. Banks held himself with a great deal of dignity and restraint.
“And.. Um… How can I help you, Mr. Banks?”
“I am Magnus Bane’s personal assistant. I’ve come to work with your schedule and his to find a time for your date.”
“I didn’t know Magnus had a personal assistant?” Alec said, mentally wishing Magnus could have warned him before sending his tiny gremlin PA.
“Neither does he,” Mr. Banks said with a slightly irritated tone of voice, “he hired me nearly a century and a half ago while he was high as a kite in Casablanca. Still, I remain on his pay roll so I continue doing my job, and doing it admirably.”
“Um…”
“Wonderful, now that that is squared away,” he pulled out a smartphone with a very color coded and highly filled out google calendar appeared.
Alec tried very hard not to come of as confused and bamboozled as he was, so he frantically grasped at his own cellphone to open his calendar.
“How do you maintain his schedule if he doesn’t know you exist?”
“Oh, he thinks he maintains his own calendar. Fairly absent minded, that one. Probably would have been a decent professor if he wasn’t such a lush.”
The Gremlin sounded vaguely disapproving which was odd for Alec. As far as he had been taught these tiny creatures were ones for chaos and hijinks, not for color coded calendars and tailored suits.
“Now, Mr. Bane has one of the most regularly irregular schedules I’ve ever maintained. Luckily my decades of study have allowed me to predict with relative frequency where he’ll be at certain times.”
Alec glanced at the chaotic calendar that could surely only make sense to Magus and his icy PA.
“Um, okay,” Alec began, “how does this Friday night work?”
The PA glanced down and muttered to himself, “unfortunately the chances are high that he’ll be with Ms. Tessa Gray in South Africa on Friday. At least if my calculations and algorithms are correct.”
Alec didn’t ask what he meant by that because it was likely that he didn’t want to know.
“Perhaps you two should stop hoping for an evening?” Mr. Banks whispered almost to himself, “perhaps lunch?”
“I can do a Wednesday lunch?”
“Ah… Mr. Bane’s mandatory two hours of meditation fall during that time.”
“What?”
“He needs to meditate for at least two hours a day to ensure that his magic remains under his tight fisted control.”
The Gremlin went back to the screen and muttered to himself, moving things around with his tiny orange finger before looking up delightedly.
“How is Thursday night?”
Alec looked down at his phone and saw that he had a few hours on Thursday evening off.
“That works for me,” Alec said delighted and relieved. Thank god for Mr. Banks.
“Wonderful, let me just add this to his calendar.”
“… Are you sure he’ll know about this? Won’t he find it weird that he has a date that he didn’t set up?”
“No, he’ll assume he asked you at some point and added it to the calendar himself. You’ll be going to one of his favorite Peruvian restaurants, the dress code is business casual. I’ll send a follow up email to confirm. Now for the important part of the conversation, the do’s and don’ts.”
Alec had the unsettling feeling he should have brought a note pad.
Mr. Banks had the same thought.
“Where is your note taking utensil?” Mr. Banks asked.
Alec floundered again as he frantically reached for the back of an old CVS receipt and a pen that he left on the table.
The Gremlin nodded approvingly.
“Conversation do’s: please talk about yourself. Magnus is very curious and enjoys hearing about people’s stories. He also resents having to carry the entirety of the conversation. Feel free to ask questions about the past, but keep it vague and general. Specifics make him melancholic. He’s also pretty funny, and enjoys a laugh- don’t be afraid to make jokes. Puns are a special favorite of his. Now….
“That brings me to don’ts: Magnus is mercurial… Keep topics away from things that make him sensitive. That includes his birth parents, the first century of his life, almost all of his past lovers, for some strange reason the entirety of the 1970’s, and cacti.”
Alec frantically wrote, trying to keep up with the quick delivery of facts.
“Magnus is a good man… But he is not a nice one. If you can not handle that distinction it is best if you learn how to. He won’t help strangers unless they pay him, he engages in petty theft and most importantly,” the Gremlin leaned forward, “people are afraid of him. They actively seek his approval and his protection. He is surrounded by sycophants. Do not be one of them.”
Alec nodded, feeling light headed.
With an approving nod Mr. Banks picked up his tiny leather briefcase and pulled out a card with his name and phone number on it.
“If you need anything, or need something scheduled please do not hesitate to give me a call.”
“Thank you,” Alec said faintly.
With a sharp click of his shiny dress shoes Mr. Banks turned around and walked out of Alec’s office.
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About an hour later, when Alec had mostly recovered from the weirdness he got a phone call from Magnus.
“So about our date on Thursday, I was thinking maybe afterwards we could go see a fabulous performer I know at this tiny club on…”
“Thursday?”
“Thursday night? Remember, we must have planned it. Its in my Google Calendar.”
Alec swallowed thickly, “um… Yeah. Right, sorry. My mistake. Performer?”
“Oh you’ll love her. I have a feeling she’ll be completely to your tastes.”
“That, uh… sounds good. I’m pretty behind on paper work now though.”
“Of course, darling. Work hard, play hard. Good lucky with the Clave,” Magnus said before hanging up.
What the hell. And maybe Alec was crazy, but honestly if this is the craziness that comes from dating Magnus Bane then sign him up. Inexplicably having a Gremlin appear in his office was the most fun he had all week.
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When Thursday eventually does come around Alec is very prepared. Mr. Banks sent him a detailed outline of how to get to Magnus’s apartment with minimal demonic encounter and also gave him several handy conversation starters.
If this is what it was like to have a personal assistant then maybe Alec should get one of his own.
“Why, don’t you look dashing.”
“Thank you,” Alec said turning his head down shyly and smiling at the floor, “you look nice too.”
Which he did, but Alec was willing to be that Magnus already knew how good he looked.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” Magnus replied and brushed a kiss on Alec’s cheek, “shall we?”
The autumn air was crisp around them and Alec rather liked having Magnus’s leather wrapped hand entertained with his own.
The restaurant was colorful and complicated looking, with an art style that Alec couldn’t quite place. The food was also amazing, the complex combinations of flavors were among the best that Alec has ever had, though admittedly the food in the Institute was not the best.
Alec followed the talking points. And at the end of the night was very willing to pat himself on the back for his highly solid first date skills.
“You know,” Magnus said half way through their walk to the performer Magnus wanted to show him, “I’m rather glad Mr. Banks chose this restaurant. It is one of my favorites.”
Alec nodded absentmindedly before freezing in his tracks, “you know about Mr. Banks?”
“Of course. Admittedly for the first fifty years I truly didn’t, and after that it gave him so much pleasure to be my secret PA that we kept our relationship distant. I never know what he is up to until I see things suddenly appear on my calendar.”
“But… But…”
“Oh yes, he is quite the silly fool. I send him a Christmas gift every year and that is the only time of year he allows me to acknowledge him,” Magnus said while snickering slightly to himself. “Though admittedly those were some good conversation starters he gave you. Even if,” Magnus said with a teasing glint, “it did sound a bit like you were reading an essay prompt.”
Alec’s entire face turned red and he started to stutter, “I… Well… I…”
Magnus laughed kindly and looked up at Alec, stopping them both in the middle of the side walk.
“I’m just teasing, darling. I had a lovely time.”
Alec’s face lit up into a grin, “I had a good time too.”
“Wonderful. We should do this again, sometime.”
“Yeah,” Alec said leaning down to press a kiss on Magnus’s plush lips, “I’ll call Mr. Banks.”