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Fletcher: Uh so does this count as the kind of thing we should speak up about? Because I personally find it discriminatory that we have to face Ottawa with their first and second lines having some combination of Rozanov-Hollander-Barrett-Haas
Rozanov: thank you for putting me first Fletcher
Rozanov: was correct
Boodram: Hey what about me
Fletcher: Right and Bood. Genuinely wtf???
Vaughan: Seems like the kind of thing we should’ve been warned about in advance
Hollander: Sorry, guys! And sorry for not warning you, I guess? I barely wanted to think about it much less talk about it, much less talk to anyone on any other teams about it.
Hayes: Can confirm. He didn’t tell us until he’d signed either!
Hunter: Leave Hollander alone everyone. It’s not easy to have to leave your team, as we all know from simply being in the league.
Leblanc: Yeah I got traded three years ago. Sucked.
Taylor: I left Buffalo when I became a free agent. Best choice ever.
Fletcher: Well yeah you went to LA
Marlow: I remember when Roz left us for Ottawa and we all thought wtf but now I guess they’re probably going to be favorites for the cup this season.
Boyle: Hey! Ottawa is not that bad!
Marlow: Not anymore…
Rozanov: yes
Rozanov: is my leadership I think
Dykstra: stfu Roz
Boodram: Sadly he’s right though I do think it was his leadership
Young: Don’t discount a brush with fiery death
Hayes: I actually never want to think about that again
Rozanov: me either
Barrett: Me either
Boodram: Me either
Hollander: Me either.
Clarke: Okay we get it you guys almost died
Rozanov: this doesn’t seem very “decent guy” of you Clarke to make fun of traumatized people
Rozanov: Hunter you need to be more picky with who you let in
Boodram: Who taught you the word “traumatized”
Hunter: I can’t police everything that goes on in this chat
Rozanov: Bood I am about to marry a man who gets traumatized by the dishwasher being loaded wrong I have known this word for nearly a decade
Haas: Hollanov lore? 👀
Demant: What the fuck is Hollanov?
Haas: It’s their ship name
Demant: Man I have three kids I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Hayes: It’s like a name you call a couple, usually a famous or fictional couple
Vaughan: Like Brangelina
Demant: Who the hell is Brangelina?
Fletcher: Bro do you live under a rock?
Hollander: Hey wait I know this one! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
Demant: Whatever
Carmichael: I think we moved on from everyone in the league suffering too quickly
Rozanov: you’re just jealous
Brophy: I think we are all jealous and terrified
Post: Can confirm I am very terrified and also jealous of Hazy.
Hayes: Well I do still have to practice with the first two lines of hell
Dillon: I like this name
Rozanov: Dillon you barely count
Dillon: Rude.
Hayes: I cried when we signed you Hollander. Some of your goals will haunt me for life.
Hollander: Thanks!
Rozanov: what about me?
Hayes: Idk I didn’t have to face you as much because I spent most of my time in Toronto on the bench.
Weber: Honestly not a loss. Imagine having to help those guys
Hayes: God, I love Ottawa
Barrett: Same
Taylor: Fuck Toronto and fuck Kent!
Boodram: Agreed
Vaughan: Agreed.
Brophy: Agreed
Pike: Agreed!
Hunter: Ok we all agree that’s why we are here please let’s not spam the chat with everyone saying it
Rozanov: ok but first I want to say fuck Toronto AND Montreal
Clarke: Wait what’s up with Montreal
Fletcher: Bro what do you mean? They gave up Hollander and we now have to face the first two lines of hell
Clarke: I kinda figured you wanted to leave Hollander. Was that not the case?
Hollander: I mean I did want to leave, but only because the team and organization made it very clear they did not respect me or my relationship.
Rozanov: Montreal is full of homophobic douchebags
Pike: Hey!
Rozanov: and Pike who is not homophobic or a douchebag but is a bit of an idiot
Rozanov: also Boiziau is not homophobic or a douchebag
Pike: Hey! I’m not an idiot
Marlow: Bro you did out them via FanMail
Yates: So just to be clear, Hollander wanted to stay with Montreal but they pushed him into the waiting arms of Ottawa and now the rest of the league has to pay the price for them being assholes???
Rozanov: basically
Fletcher: Wait so petition for everyone to check Montreal extra hard any time we play them? Hollander, give us names
Hollander: You guys don’t have to do that, really. This is all so surreal still honestly. I mean I’m grateful to get to play with the Cenaturs but I really thought I’d have my jersey hung in the rafters at Bell Center when I retired.
Boodram: Eh, we’ll do it here instead
Vaughan: Sorry Hollander but it’s not just about you it’s about the rest of us too. I mean we are all going to suffer now
Pike: Please don’t hit me guys I have four kids
Fletcher: Nah Pike you’re chill
Fletcher: The rest of Montreal, it’s on sight
Rozanov: 🔪
Hollander: Ilya don’t encourage them
Timberg: Wait I am just catching up what do you mean I have to play my second season ever in professional hockey against both Rozanov and Hollander on the same team????
Vaughan: Okay but you have us also
Haas: Oh it’s your second year too, Timberg?
Timberg: Yeah
Haas: Same
Rozanov: rookies please flirt on your own time
Haas: We are not flirting!!!
Hunter: Rozanov, leave the kids alone.
Timberg: Okay I am an adult not a kid
LaPointe: I have so many notifications
Hayes: Nick is in Mexico with his family. Imagine how many he’s going to come back to between the Cens chat and this
Dykstra: His fault for deciding to do an unplugged vacation
Fletcher: Tbf like half the people in this chat haven’t been responding so I feel like that’s going to be a common occurrence
Pike: Yeah J.J. is in Europe with Camille he’s going to be sad to have missed this flurry of activity
Post: Is there anyone other than the three of us from Boston who isn’t from NY or Ottawa, speaking of?
Clarke: Bro there’s like fifty people in this chat of course there’s people from other teams and also Taylor and I both play for LA
Hunter: We have Pike and Boiziau from Montreal, Brophy is from NJ, Yates plays for Detroit, Fletcher from Buffalo, and a good chunk of the roster from Seattle and San Jose is in here too. Sorry, I don’t know exactly who’s who
Demant: Yeah I play for Seattle
Demant: Some of the Vancouver guys are chill too, I think, but idk their phone numbers
Vaughan: It’s mostly people I know in here rn and then Ottawa
Rozanov: because Ottawa is the best
Hunter: Yeah, yeah, whatever
Fletcher: Vaughany how do you know everyone anyway
Vaughan: I’m just social 🤷♂️
Carmichael: You could add St. Simon. He’s offended he didn’t get an invite to your wedding Roz
Rozanov: no he hates Shane
Marlow: Apparently not. He thought you knew he was joking
Marlow: Oh also Smitcherman who joined us this season is chill
Yates: Yeah Smitt is a nice dude
Hunter: Yeah sure add anyone who’s aligned with our values
Rozanov: Fine. Victor can come to my wedding
Rozanov: whole chat is invited actually
Rozanov: anyone who wants to come it is at our house in Ottawa
Hollander: Oh god he’s invited everyone we know.
Hollander: But yeah I guess if you guys want to come we will be catering it but it’s NOT going to be anything fancy just us literally standing in Ilya’s backyard. But please do let us know so I know how much food to buy.
Rozanov: *our backyard
Pike: He invited everyone on Twitter too
Hollander: Please tell me you’re joking.
Rozanov: No no is not true
Rozanov: Only invited gay hockey players
Rozanov: But then a bunch of not hockey players DMed me
Hunter: Who didn’t see that coming
Rozanov: I wanted to make a safe space for queer players!
Hollander: Oh that’s a nice idea, actually.
Rozanov: So other mini Shane’s have an example to look up to and do not have to come out to their top of many years
Hunter: Wait what? And also TMI
Rozanov: Oh so you are homophobic now?
Rozanov: I cannot say things like who is top?
Rozanov: is obvious anyway
Hunter: Of course I’m not homophobic you asshole, I’m gay
Hayes: Wait how long have you two been together anyway?
Vaughan: Yes please tell us we have a bet going on our team
Dykstra: Same
Rozanov: Shane?
Boodram: Are you guys not together?
Rozanov: No Shane is at a stupid photoshoot
Rozanov: He and Yuna they say he has to increase sponsors now that he is taking pay cut
Rozanov: I say we are going to be married in a week Hollander let me pay for whatever you want but no
Hollander: You can tell them whatever you want but keep it PG Ilya. Nice talking to all of you but my break is ending now!
Marlow: Ok so does this mean you will finally tell us if Hollander was Montreal Girl?
Rozanov: Honestly Marly he was obviously Montreal Boy
Carmichael: Ok Jessica says she needs more details than that. Specifically exactly how long have you been together and how serious were you at the start
Dykstra: Caitlin wants to know also
Fletcher: Sorry are you saying you guys were together when Rozanov still played for Boston
Marlow: Yes
Carmichael: Yes
Marlow: Don’t get me started on how head over heels Roz was for this Montreal chick
Marlow: I mean I guess now we know he was just head over heels for Shane Hollander which is wilder
Rozanov: yessss the first time I saw those pretty little freckles I was done for
Boodram: Which was when?
Rozanov: 2008 but we didn’t hook up for the first time until 2010
Hunter: Jesus Christ
Hunter: You mean to tell me I was going to random clubs in Europe, terrified out of my mind and meanwhile you two had been sneaking around with your arch-rival for your entire careers???
Rozanov: yes
Pike: I’ve never understood this either because Shane is first of all a huge stickler for rules and second of all the most oblivious person I’ve ever met he never knows when anyone is hitting on him
Brophy: I always wondered about that too. Kid was always so uptight.
Hayes: He is still in this chat, Brophy.
Rozanov: Is okay
Rozanov: Shane is uptight and oblivious we all know this
Rozanov: I was very obvious
Vaughan: …how obvious?
Rozanov: Very.
Haas: How obvious is very?
Rozanov: Haasy are you asking for tips?
Haas: No, I am just curious!
Rozanov: my method would not work for you anyway Haasy
Rozanov: and you should not be trying it either
Dykstra: …why am I scared of your method?
Barrett: Please tell me you didn’t like just straight up proposition him after a game
Rozanov: there was nothing straight about it Barrett
Hunter: That joke is seriously overdone
Rozanov: but no
Rozanov: I learned the two most important things to know about Shane Hollander in a hotel gym after draft
Rozanov: 1 he is very competitive
Rozanov: 2 he likes men
Boodram: Sorry are you saying you hooked up with Hollander in a hotel gym the night you were drafted
Rozanov: no of course not Shane would never do this
Rozanov: just ran on treadmill and shared a water bottle
Dykstra: Thank god because I was starting to get worried about playing on the same team as you for a moment there
Post: Fr I was thinking maybe Ottawa people were the unlucky ones after all
Rozanov: Shane is very professional all the time
Rozanov: is annoying
Taylor: I mean apparently not since he was sneaking around with you his whole career
Rozanov: nothing unprofessional about that
Rozanov: we are always professional on the ice
Barrett: Idk in retrospect you were sort of shamelessly flirting with him whenever we played Montreal
Pike: Can confirm
Rozanov: that makes it fun
Rozanov: being together has never made us go easier on each other
Marlow: I can confirm that at least. Roz played like an absolute beast whenever we played Hollander
Pike: Same with Shane
Rozanov: exactly
Rozanov: but yes we got together for first time before rookie season
Rozanov: not at draft
Rozanov: but before rookie season
Haas: At the CCM photoshoot?
Rozanov: fanboy Haasy!
Rozanov: yes you are right
Timberg: Bro how did you know that that was before we had access to the internet
Rozanov: he is my number one fan
Haas: Okay not number one
Demant: I hope you’re joking about that being before you had access to the internet
Timberg: I was like ten man
Demant: Jesus I feel old
Hunter: Same
Rozanov: you should be used to this Scott
Rozanov: since you were born with big bang
Hunter: I should’ve known better
Boodram: You really should’ve
Haas: This is blowing my mind a little, that you guys hooked up at the CCM photoshoot. I had that poster on my wall
Rozanov: another poster of me!
Rozanov: you had multiple?
Rozanov: Haasy I am honored
Rozanov: but you should not know what hooking up is you are a baby
Boodram: He’s apparently older than you were when you were doing said hooking up
Carmichael: Bro I know what you got up to your first year with Boston when you were younger than Haas
Rozanov: yes but I am special
Marlow: And what you got up to every year after that
Rozanov: I did not say I was good example
Marlow: I totally thought you were
Rozanov: yes well you are stupid too Marly
Rozanov: Haasy is smarter than us
Hayes: Well yeah
Haas: Thanks guys
Hunter: I can’t believe you’ve been together your entire careers
Rozanov: but not exclusive
Rozanov: Shane says is important to tell people this
Rozanov: only exclusive since 2017
Fletcher: This has really been a whirlwind day. We learn that Hollander and Rozanov are going to be on the same team, then we learn that Montreal has caused this new form of punishment for us, and then we learn that the new form of punishment has been together their entire careers and also we’re invited to their wedding
Taylor: Yup basically
Fletcher: I feel like I need time to process
Hunter: Same
Clarke: How did you guys even manage to keep a relationship up like that? Christy and I did long distance for six months and it sucked
Rozanov: was casual
Rozanov: we met up when we were in same city
Clarke: Yeah but that’s like what four times a year
Rozanov: whenever we played each other and all the All-Star games and most of the awards ceremonies
Rozanov: all but two of the awards I think
Taylor: Must be nice to be invited to all those
Boodram: I’ve never been to the awards or an All-Stars
Vaughan: You’re not missing out. The awards especially are usually really boring
Rozanov: this is true
Rozanov: All-Stars is fun though
Marlow: Wait when I heard you having sex at All-Stars this year was that Hollander that was with you
Rozanov: obviously yes
Rozanov: would never cheat on Shane
Pike: Please don’t tell me things like this I don’t want to hear about my best friend having sex
Rozanov: also I promised Shane PG
Marlow: Oh my god I heard you guys having sex
Marlow: How am I supposed to recover from this
Rozanov: you didn’t mind at the time
Rozanov: you are about to get uninvited from my wedding for being homophobic
Marlow: I’m not homophobic I just don’t know if I will ever be able to look Hollander in the eye again. When I thought it was a random chick I thought I’d never have to see her again
Rozanov: good
Rozanov: this will help us win
Carmichael: GET OVER IT MARLOW WE NEED TO BE AT FULL POWER WHEN FACING THEM
LaPointe: …aggressive
Young: Who us?
Boyle: Little old Ottawa?
Yates: Stfu y’all know you’re like the scariest team in the league now
Fletcher: God damn Montreal
Post: I can’t believe we could’ve avoided this nightmare if they could’ve just been decent people
Carmichael: Roz you and your boy can come to Boston
Rozanov: I like Ottawa
Rozanov: Boston did not offer Shane anyway
Carmichael: What!
Marlow: That’s crazy actually
Fletcher: Can we ask who did?
Rozanov: Ottawa, New York, Seattle, Denver, Winnipeg, Edmonton, Vancouver, Buffalo, Detroit, Chicago, San Jose, Los Angeles, Tampa, Philadelphia, and Calgary
Rozanov: to any queer players in the chat these are not all safe teams these are just teams that care about winning more than their athletes being gay
Hunter: Good clarification Roz. Yeah New York and Ottawa are the only proven safe spaces sadly
Demant: Our PT is gay and the team is chill with it so I think we’d be good too
Hunter: That is a good sign but you never know until it happens for real
Rozanov: or until they start dating their rival
Hunter: I really hope that’s a unique situation
Taylor: How many other people even have rivals though?
Fletcher: Excellent point
Rozanov: can recommend it personally
Boodram: Whatever you two were doing was NOT a normal rivalry
Carmichael: Dude Roz always played like a madman against Hollander tho we had NO clue
Rozanov: well yes beating Shane is my third favorite thing in life
Rozanov: second is sex after beating Shane
Pike: TMI
Marlow: You know that actually makes a lot of sense
Carmichael: Do we want to know the first thing or?
Hunter: No we do not
Rozanov: first thing is just Shane
Haas: Relationship goals
Hunter: …why was that so romantic??
Barrett: Harris is reading this over my shoulder and that made him cry wtf Rozanov
Rozanov: hello Harris!
Rozanov: I will miss beating Shane I think
Rozanov: he is very hot when he is mad about losing to me
Hunter: Please stop talking before you scar me for life
Carmichael: Is it weird that I missed Roz oversharing about his sex life?
Boodram: Is that something he does?
Marlow: Does he not do that with you?
Dykstra: Not really no
Rozanov: was because it was a secret
Rozanov: but it’s not now 😉
Hayes: Something to look forward to
Pike: I wouldn’t worry too much. There’s no way Shane will go for that
Rozanov: Shane isn’t the boss of me
Pike: Dude he definitely is
Hayes: Can confirm from what I’ve seen that yes he is
Barrett: Yeah, he totally is
Marlow: We all remember how whipped you were for Montreal Girl brother
Rozanov: lies
Fletcher: I’m finding this so hard to envision
Hayes: Pay attention when you play us you'll see it
Fletcher: Great thanks for reminding me I have to play you guys
Rozanov: Fletcher you are dramatic
Rozanov: you are on third line you will hardly play us
Rozanov: the rest of the team maybe yes
Fletcher: I’m literally on the first line???
Hayes: Chirping is Roz’s love language just ignore him
Fletcher: Good to know
Taylor: Wait were you being serious about inviting us to your wedding, Rozanov?
Rozanov: yes of course
Rozanov: anyone from here is welcome
Rozanov: you are all our friends even if we haven’t officially met off ice
Taylor: My wife’s family immigrated from Russia when she was two and she’s also bisexual so she’s convinced you are going to be best friends if you ever meet
Rozanov: yes yes please come I will meet your wonderful wife
Rozanov: Barrett and Hunter you are required because we are taking a picture of all four out queer players at my wedding
Barrett: When you put it like that it sounds sad. All the out players can fit in Harris’s truck with him there.
Hunter: What about Bennett and Price? Aren't they coming?
Rozanov: yes we will get pictures with them too
Rozanov: and any closeted players also but we will not post those
Rozanov: and straight players too
Rozanov: photos with everyone
Boodram: Oh so did you hire a photographer after all?
Rozanov: no
Fletcher: This wedding sounds chaotic ngl
Pike: I know. It seems so unlike Shane, to not have this meticulously planned. And Yuna tbh
Rozanov: is a celebration of love Hayden
Rozanov: love exists without plans
Rozanov: our wedding exists without plans
Fletcher: So maybe not an event to fly across the country for with one week of notice, is what I’m hearing?
Rozanov: of course it is
Rozanov: will be hockey wedding of the century
Hayes: That is probably inevitable, yes
Fletcher: Can someone live-tweet it for me? Or live-text if Rozanov and Hollander don’t want it to be public. Either is fine but I want the details
Rozanov: you can come and get details in person
Fletcher: I would, seriously man, but my girlfriend is having surgery and I need to be around to take care of her. I will be bored at home while she sleeps it off though so I’m not kidding about the live updates
Rozanov: hope she recovers quickly!
Rozanov: send address I will send a recovery package
Fletcher: That’s nice of you. She’d like that, thank you
LaPointe: Okay it got sweet time to log off
Rozanov: hockey players can be sweet LaPointe is dangerous stereotype to think not
Marlow: Seriously, where is this vocabulary coming from?
Rozanov: just because you have pea brain does not mean I do Marly
Young: Back to our regularly scheduled programming
Hunter: No, LaPointe is kind of right we shouldn’t be texting all day
Clarke: It’s summer and we’re in the off-season what else should we be doing?
Holmberg: I’m playing video games at my place if any of the Ottawa guys want to drop by
Young: I’m in
LaPointe: I’m in
Post: Okay when other teams start planning their hangouts in the big groupchat it really is time to call it a day
Rozanov: Shane should be home soon anyway
Young: #whipped
LaPointe: Which is why he’s the one getting married next week and you’re hosting team videogames
Young: touché