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Shane kind of hates Ilya right now. He could never actually hate him; he loves him such an astronomical amount that he can't think of anything he would find genuinely unforgivable. But nonetheless, the scales are not as unbalanced as they should be.
The problem is that sometimes Ilya doesn't think he deserves to live. That, Shane definitely hates. How could Ilya not love Ilya Rozanov like everyone else does? How could he want to leave them? Shane knew he was being selfish, and above all he knew he wasn’t being fair. Especially because since he found out, he had learned every goddamn thing about depression and suicidal ideology he possibly could. Shane wasn't sure he could be enough to give Ilya a reason to stay, but he was resolved to die trying. He doesn't care to be anything else if he can't be Ilya's.
Even while Ilya constantly reassures Shane that he didn’t do anything wrong, he did. It took them almost breaking up for him to pull his head out of his ass enough to even realise just how bad it was. He clearly hadn’t been a safe person to share with. He hates that he was so oblivious.
While he knows it's unreasonable, more importantly he knows it’s unhelpful, so he packs it away the same way he does with everything that's too much. What matters now is that he doesn’t fuck up. He’s always been good at perfection, but he has a horrible track record when it comes to Ilya Rozanov. He couldn’t keep it casual, he couldn’t ask the right questions, he couldn’t stay, he couldn’t recognise Ilya’s sacrifices, he couldn’t see that the love of his life was fucking suicidal. Shane has always been goal oriented and he will do anything to achieve them. Ilya has always been the thing he is most desperate to get right (other than hockey, but Ilya has always been woven through that too), and the one thing he has consistently fucked up.
So, when Ilya is more himself and he has Galina, his meds, Yuna and David, Sveta, Rose, all of their friends and teammates, the Pikes (even Hayden) - Shane is still watching him closely. If anyone knows how to obsess, it’s Shane Hollander. He’s been obsessed with hockey since he can remember, and obsessed with Rozanov since he first saw a grainy video of him at his home rink in Russia. He also knows in the recesses of his mind that this new flavour of obsessiveness is probably not a good thing. He doesn't want to think about it, doesn’t care to. He’s so fucking relieved Ilya is so strong and is choosing to try and find ways to be happy that he completely forgets about all the shit he bottled up. Nothing matters more than Ilya, snarky, adored, and in his arms. But even so, there’s this weird staticky feeling. He is looking at everything he has ever wanted and was so close to losing because he didn’t notice, didn't pay enough attention.
Shane is a terrible liar, especially with Ilya. The problem is when he lies to himself, he is fucking excellent. People always laugh at him for being gullible. Ilya tried the joke and was very pouty when Shane didn't check the ceiling. Shane didn't mention that he only knew because he had fallen for it before. It's somewhat true - he generally takes everything at face value, but it wasn't just that he is gullible, it was that it wasn't pretending when you make yourself believe it too. He had dated Rose, convinced himself he wasn’t gay, said his diet was practical, whilst also denying being completely in love with Ilya. Worse, it almost always took someone else pointing it out for him to even acknowledge it. So, now, he notices, catalogues, admires his Ilya, the bravest person he knows, he ignores, and he hovers.
—
Ilya knows Shane like the back of his hand. Shane and Ilya will be battling (and winning, because it's them) Ilya’s depression for the rest of their impossibly long lives, if Ilya has his way. He is finally accepting that he can’t change the way his brain is, only work with it. It's not that simple, but he feels good knowing that he is on medication that helps, and that he is so far from alone. He also knows Shane probably needs time to process. When Shane’s eating got to a breaking point, Ilya felt so isolated and useless until he talked to Yuna (and Hayden, although he would never admit it), so he can see how someone you love saying he sometimes wants to die would change things. Plus, it’s very sweet the way Shane immediately learned everything there is to know and is so careful with him.
But Ilya is not used to comfort like that, so attentive, so mothering. He's reaching his limit. Although he is more used to it now, past a certain point it feels like people think he’s incapable of looking after himself. He is not. He has been alone so fucking long, fought so hard; of course he knows how to handle himself. He almost thinks, mostly in a good way but on bad days in a bad way, that being so safe has made him soft. That, and that knowing he’s being treated so delicately by the one person who he has let know exactly how fragile he can be is starting to piss him off. He and Shane could ruin each other in a sentence, and have done before, but they trust each other now. They know each others’ scars and protect them while still challenging and pushing and needling. Their whole relationship, even when they were pretending to be casual, was based on the fact that they were equals, that they were better than anyone else except each other. He doesn’t want Shane, his fucking 'nurse'. He wants Shane Hollander; his rival, his best friend, his fiancé, his whole heart.
He wants to feel normal. Most people in their lives seem to sense this, but Shane, even though he can read Ilya like a book, can’t seem to give Ilya that. It feels like their whole relationship is fragile because they lean on each other and Shane is treating him like he might break at any moment. Like Ilya can't carry his weight. He knows what Shane is like scared or sad or panicking or processing, and this isn't that. This is the absence of it all. So safe to say, it's been driving Ilya insane, and he is really fucking over feeling insane.
—
They get home after the barbecue. Ilya spent the whole night shooting the shit with everyone, sober as a judge, while Shane spent the night watching him. It wasn’t like Ilya was going to drink. He knows he can't on his meds especially when he was already feeling like shit, but he has always been a contrarian so dear god, he was tempted. Shane stayed out longer than he would have ordinarily. Any other time he, would have begged off an hour earlier and curled up with a book, waiting for Ilya. Any other time, Ilya would have spent it out with the rest of the team just to make Shane desperate for it when he got home. But, alas. Although Ilya's mood has chemically evened out, his libido is still adjusting. That, and he’s fucking pissed off and not horny enough to channel it.
“Fun night, huh?” Shane asks.
“Yeah.” Ilya can’t help the bite in his voice.
Shane's brows furrow, concerned. “You okay?”
“Yes, Shane. I’m fucking fine.”
Where he should’ve gotten catty, Shane is immediately cowed.
“Sorry. Do you wanna go hop in the shower? I can make us a snack in the meantime?”
Ilya can’t take it anymore.
“I am not going to fucking break, Shane. I survived life without you and without breaking before. She was not weak, I am not either. I am not some pathetic polite Canadian who needs someone to hold his hand.”
Shane doesn’t rise to the bait, which is even more infuriating.
“I know, I'm sorry. You are both so strong. I just want you to know I'm here, no matter what.”
So fucking Canadian. Ilya wants to scream. Stop fucking apologising. For fuck’s sake, react!
“No matter what? Huh. No matter what. What if I had gone to the club with the boys and fucked someone, would you still stick around?”
Ilya could’ve said it as a joke, as a taunt. He doesn't though. He says it mean.
Shane looks dumbfounded. His mouth opens and tries and fails to work around a response, and Ilya feels satisfied somewhat. Finally.
His hopes are quickly dashed when, after a couple of seconds and Shane visibly trying to force himself to make calm eye contact, he replies.
“I guess we could work through it. I know it’s hard for you right now. Is that something you want?”
If Normal Ilya had said that to Normal Shane, he would be getting a fucking earful about why the fuck are you bringing this shit up again, no shut up, Ilya you’re mine, I’d fucking kill you, and then Shane would be biting and scratching and staking his claim once Ilya reassured that he didn’t mean it, never had, he’s only ever belonged to Shane, only ever wants to, and he was only ever saying it to rile him up for this exact reason anyway. But Shane is holding himself so stiff, seemingly trying to make himself okay with the idea. Ilya is being intentionally and specifically cruel and yet, Shane is still treating him with kid gloves. Ilya's lungs fill with resentment. It does what cigarettes used to; he feels acrid and grounded.
“Da, maybe it is. Maybe I find a pretty girl, it would be so easy. You know they love me, they wouldn’t care who saw. What would you do, boring Shane Hollander? Your whore of a boyfriend fucking somebody else all over the news.”
Ilya feels feral with it. He thinks, do something moy kotenok, we both know how possessive you are, how deep you sink your claws in. He rolls his shoulders for the familiar burn, and then abruptly realises he doesn’t have any marks on him and hasn’t for a while. His stomach drops. They always had that part, at least.
Maybe this was too much, maybe he had finally reached Shane's limit. He’s been many things to Shane, but Ilya's never not been able to make him light up. Ilya suddenly can't meet his eyes anymore.
—
Shane barely hears the words. His brain has whited out. He’s so angry he’s completely bypassed every stopgap on his way to incandescent rage. He doesn’t want to be angry, he doesn’t want to hurt Ilya, and he also doesn’t think he can keep a handle on his own emotions right now. He is so fucking furious about how he almost lost him, and now Ilya’s questioning what he’d do for him?
Shane is scaring himself. He’ll have to sneak out to their gym later and find some way to get this out because he didn’t realise that staticky feeling was fury and now that he’s accidentally tuned in, it’s everywhere. He’s trying to be good to Ilya and yet here he goes, pressing on every sore spot Shane has with deadly precision. He thought they didn’t do this anymore. He wants to scream at him, he wants to fucking fall to his knees and beg him, plead for anything he can do so Ilya stays, how he can be enough to make sure he wakes up every day in a world where Ilya does too. If Ilya needs other people then Shane will fucking get over it. He will trade his soul for this man, give away every shred of everything he is if it means Ilya Rozanov breathes somewhere, safe and sound.
He grabs at the last vestiges of his infamous discipline and bites out, “If you want to sleep with other people, we could figure something out. I would prefer not to know the details, though. You're it for me. For the record."
Shane knows his smile is brittle and his eyes are probably glassy. Ilya’s not looking, so small mercies, but he feels like he has to get out of here before he either collapses or says something completely irredeemable. His heart is racing like it's trying to leave his body. It already has; it doesn’t belong to him, hasn't for years.
How does Ilya not know that he’d do anything? Literally anything. Why doesn't he know? Shane is clearly doing something wrong. The thought is simultaneously crushing him and making him feel violent in a way he’s never felt. God, he’s glad they don’t have a game tomorrow because he’s pretty sure he’d finally snap and beat the fuck out of someone just because. At least they would understand it, even if Ilya can't.
—
Ilya senses more than sees Shane’s eyes fill with tears. He chances a look. Even though Ilya’s wounded and lashing out, Shane is still so distractingly beautiful. He hesitates, but Ilya can’t deal with this placid, terribly fake version of him.
“You’d let me. You, Shane Hollander, would let me. Who the fuck are you and where did my Shane go?” He aims for something vicious but he can’t help the obvious pain that seeps into his voice.
—
“Wherever the fuck you are Ilya. Wherever you go.” Shane bites back, vibrating. He knew was going to snap but he would rather die than leave Ilya when he sounds like that. He hates that tone of voice on him, the one that belies the way Ilya's beautiful brain can't understand why he's so loved. The tone of voice that sounds like defeat, like Shane is going to lose him. Shane has never ruminated on death really, but now the idea is far too tangled up with how much he needs Ilya to live. Shane has to keep it together, to be a safe place. Or just be a place; he can lose his mind over it when everything isn't so immediately important. So, with maybe the most effort he’s ever put into anything, he brutally snuffs out everything he is feeling.
—
“Hey,” Shane says. “I can be normal,” with a fake laugh and empty eyes.
Ilya stares. He can’t help it because what the fuck was that? It's even more fake than Media Shane whom Ilya had always hated. Why was Shane hiding from him? This fiery, brilliant, menace of a man held himself together so tightly; it's such a privilege when he lets people see the truth of him that it's an even more brutal loss when he hides himself away.
Actually, this is so much worse. He's never seen Shane this numb. Even the first time, he could read the truth in Shane's eyes. Reflexively, Ilya shoots back,
“No, you can’t.”
Shane’s fists clench. He is eerily still. Ilya immediately matches him, worried he did something irreparable, but they had felt like such a poor imitation of themselves that he can't bring himself to regret fighting for the ease and comfort they had worked so hard to get to.
Finally, Shane looks at him, and Ilya is nearly bowled over by what is burning behind Shane’s eyes.
He has seen him snark across face offs, seen him pissed off because Ilya didn’t put his socks in the hamper, seen him dark and precise because someone had tossed out a slur, seen him bitchy and mean because Ilya was teasing too much. He has never seen this on Shane, and yet he knows it well. The flash he saw was hatred.
Ilya spirals a little at first. Why had he made his Shane hate him like that, what he had done to put that look in his eyes? But Shane holds his gaze, and though it softens, he is clearly still furious. He tracks Ilya like he is memorising, willing him to understand, breathing hard like he has just gotten off the ice. Like he is trying to scorch it into Ilya’s skin. Ilya freezes under the examination, his mind screeching to a halt.
He tries to see what he is missing. Galina keeps reminding him to look for other explanations before reverting to ‘everyone hates me and is better off without me’, and although he can hardly believe it, he has a lot of people who so deeply and openly love him. Recently, he and Galina had been unpacking what had happened for Ilya when his mother had passed, how scared he’d felt, how much he’d needed her. How angry he had been after. How that anger changed him. That sometimes he hated her for leaving him, for hurting him so much. How he loved her so much he hated her for making him hate her even a little. For giving him a reason to.
Oh.
Ilya didn't think about it. He never doubts that Shane loves him, but he kind of took it for granted that he could ever mean that much to someone. That someone would think he was worthy of it. And he and Shane hadn’t properly talked about the whole suicidal thing. Ilya figured it was easier not to, and Shane hadn’t pressed. But then again of course he hadn’t; it had taken nearly a decade to get Ilya to talk about Irina, let alone himself.
Shane exhales harshly, his voice low and unsteady. “No, I can’t. I can’t be normal about you.”
Shane looks up, eyes still burning into him. Ilya feels branded but in a way that makes sense to him. If he’d been quicker with his mother, if he’d had a chance to talk to her after, he imagines he’d feel pretty similar. Shane is breathing heavy, but he squeezes his eyes shut, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to get himself back together. And Ilya can more than give him space enough for that after goading him so much. As he watches the man he loves, he tests the hypothetical of Shane ever contemplating ending his life, and promptly wants to burn the whole world down. He bails out of the scenario immediately, irrationally angry at an imaginary Shane. But mostly himself.
“Oh Shane, I’m sorry. We should have talked about it.”
Instinctively, Shane answers, “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
—
Ilya flinches a little. Shane notices. He realises what he’s been doing now. He’s so fucking scared that he didn’t let himself be angry, and that just made him suffocate Ilya because he couldn’t find anywhere else to put the fear. Ilya had been so good with him when it was his emotions, he was just trying to do the same. Shane had been there through the worst of it. He loves being there for him, cherishes the trust he’s been given, and he has always felt so proud that he could be a safe place to crash, where Ilya would feel a little better after. He just hadn’t realised that at some point, he has to let go a little. That even though Shane is terrified, Ilya has to be his own person again. And that he has to trust that Ilya would ask for help if he needed it, would try to stick around, to know that he is strong enough to. If he wants Ilya's mental health to get better, he has to stop treating him like it isn't.
Well, shit. Another one on the scoreboard for ‘bad at Ilya’. Ilya is quiet, waiting. His perfect Ilya who had gone and pissed him off so much he had to snap out of it. It was fucking mean but very effective. God, Shane doesn’t deserve him. He will never stop trying to, though. What can he say, he’s obsessed.
Truly, Shane loves Ilya enough for the both of them. If he has to, he will. He knows it down to his bones.
He straightens up, still thrumming, “Gonna preempt the boring Canadian thing but I’m the one who should be apologising.”
—
Ilya lets out an amused huff, watches him. He seems more natural, more like the Shane who will check him into the boards brutally because he knows Ilya can take it, and he likes the competition. The Shane that knows how they make each other better, that knows how to destroy him, that knows how to put him back together. Shane makes him feel alive in a way nothing else has. After all of the hovering and the worry, and that weird blankness he’s now realising was Shane masking his terror and anger, Ilya feels like they're on a level playing field again.
“Maybe you should have said something, but maybe I should have noticed. Anyway, the you sleeping with other people thing, low blow you fucking asshole. Which I’m sure is what you were going for," Shane snarks. He cocks an eyebrow and Ilya's lips quirk sheepishly, completely and correctly called out.
“Crude but effective." Shane pauses, eyes tracking Ilya, burning with intensity.
"I would do it though. I would hate every fucking second and it would drive me insane, but I would. I will do anything for you.”
Ilya can read the truth of it in his eyes as easy as breathing. Oh thank God they’re back.
"I was being asshole. I will never ever want anyone but you."
Shane rolls his eyes, mouth twitching.
“You really can't help it, huh? Yeah, yeah, me neither as you already know.”
Shane steps into Ilya’s space, cups his face with both hands, thumbs splaying across his cheekbones, fingertips sinking into his hair, and Ilya couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. His hands fit to the curve of Shane’s waist like they’re designed to be there. Maybe they were. Maybe they had carved out their place.
Shane swallows harshly. Ilya thinks if Shane had heat vision, he'd be incinerated.
“More importantly. If you ever leave me like that, I will be angry for the rest of my life. Not at you, but for you, for me, for us. I will be angry the rest of my miserable fucking life that I will force myself to keep living because I love you. I will live for you Ilya. Do you get it? I will carry you with me. Everything I do, I will do it for you. I know you fight so hard, I know it's hard for you to stay. But just know I will be so fucking furious about what we could've had and didn't and I will be so fucking devastated that I will never get a chance to give it to you. I’ll forgive you, of course I will, but I will spend the rest of my days so incredibly angry at the universe because if I felt too much of anything else I wouldn’t be able to keep going. I will find a way to live for you, and I will hate every moment.
“So, don’t. If you ever can’t fight for yourself, fight for me. Because I’ll be right here, Ilya. The only way you lose me is if you choose to, and even then I’ll still be here. Even if you’re not. I’ll do it for you but please, please don’t make me.”