Chapter Text
Jax paced.
I should just f#@%ing abstract already. I should be gone I should be de-
Nope. Hold it together. He had to hold it together when the others saw him. He couldn’t stand the thought of Pomni giving him that Look, the one that bores into him, flaying away his walls, seeking out the depths of his soul. He had to avoid that. He can’t be known.
So, he needed to stay calm.
He could do that.
Want to die want to die want to die
His hands shook, clutching at his thin, tubular arms. He dug his gloved fingers in as hard as he could.
Conceal, don’t feel, don't let them know- eww now Disney songs are playing in his head. A mistake.
The rabbit took a breath.
Alright.
Breakfast.
He could do that.
Smile properly in place, he eased his door open, glancing out. Instantly, he saw the Pomni door, with that little face and those huge eyes.
He slammed his door, making it shake in its digital wooden frame. The grain of the wood had gotten more realistic since he had been trapped. It was still fake. Like everything.
He can’t do this today.
The past week had been h#ll, with Caine trying to “make it up to them” after That adventure.
The one where he had been right.
Pomni kept bugging him, trying to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk.
Jax just wanted to not.
To not deal with the stupid circus. The stupid bright colors and loud sounds, the stupid adventures. They didn’t offer any escape, not anymore.
I should die i should die i should die i should die i should die i should die i should-
He sank to the floor, back pressed against the digital door. His breath came more and more rapidly. His hands clenched. The thoughts got louder.
NEED TO DIE NEED TO DIE NEED TO DIE NEED TO DIE NEED TO DIE NEED-
He curled up. And waited.
— — —
Hours had passed when Jax unfolded himself and stood up.
The others would be off by now, unless it was an in-house. It probably wasn’t. He couldn't hear any destruction, or screams, or anything.
Alone.
Perfect.
He sauntered out of his room, down the hallway, just letting his feet carry him. He walked. And walked. Not thinking. If he started thinking-
Failure need to die go die just die abstract and be gone for good just-
He exhaled. Kept walking.
Jax found himself at the digital lake.
He glanced around, standing in the sand. The sun was nowhere to be seen, yet everything was still sickeningly bright. The blue water reflects the sky, cool and inviting.
This used to be a place that he… enjoyed. That… They enjoyed.
Drown yourself
Jax stepped forward.
Drown yourself
The water was cold.
Drown yourself
He stepped forward again.
Drown yourself
And again.
Drown yourself drown yourself drown yourselfdrownyourselfdrownyourselfdrownyourselfdrown-
And again.
As the water closed over his head, over his ears, he didn’t try to float.
He just kept going.
He let out the breath he had been holding.
Dying wasn’t permanent. As soon as he died, he would pop up again, probably nearby. Sure, he would probably feel like s@&t, but that was the point.
He let the cold digital water into his digital lungs.
And
Drifted
Away