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Cold metal railings pressed into Kris' tailbone, digging grooves into their malleable skin. They couldn't tell if it was copper, or iron, or carbon, or something. They never cared to learn the infrastructure of train rails. They didn't even know if this railway still ran any trains. Surely the stock for the convenience store came from somewhere, but they'd never seen a train pass by here anyway. Or maybe that was them not paying attention. Or just their memories blurring together.
Nevertheless, they were hoping for a train. Hoping the convenience store needed more stock. Hoping bright headlights would give them a three second long reminder, before they'd forget everything in an instant. Even in death though, it'd just be inconvenient for everyone. Someone would still have to clean the mess they left behind. They were always leaving something for someone else to fix. At least this one would be their last.
They hoped in no afterlife, no Heaven, nowhere to go. They hoped it would just be the end, that they wouldn't exist any longer.
But then, they heard footsteps behind them. They didn't turn their head.
"There you are," her hoarse voice made itself known. "I thought I'd find you here. Toriel's been looking for you, you know."
But Kris didn't answer. They could hear her click her tongue. "Kris..." She crouched behind them to rest a hand on their shoulder. "Get off those damn tracks, I'm serious. I don't even know if the trains still run here and I sure as hell don't wanna find out from you."
At least they had the same ignorance.
"Don't want to," Kris stubbornly denied, curling in on themself. They hid their face further between their arms. "Just go home."
When they heard her stand straight up again behind them, they almost thought she was going to listen. They should've known better than to doubt her stubbornness. After two or three heavy steps, they felt a body brush against their side as she sat next to them, on the cold iron or copper or carbon train tracks. There Susie was, in full view, at least if they moved their head to look at her. Sitting on their deathbed beside them. Almost as if she was going to join them.
"Why do this, huh?" Susie asked them. She had no idea. "What good's it gonna do?" Kris just shrugged, drooping their head. They didn't really care if it hurt people. They didn't care if they had loved ones hoping they'd stay alive. They didn't care if their problems were only temporary, for they had a permanent solution anyway. "Just tired of it all." Kris simply answered.
They could feel Susie's gaze squinting. "If you're going anywhere, Kris, I'm going with you." She insisted. Before Kris could scowl in their thoughts, she interrupted. "Not as in, like, an 'oh Kris, don't do it, for me,' way, but..." Kris couldn't help stifling a giggle. That was so true, they thought. She really did get it, sometimes. Susie continued, "in a 'you won't ever be alone,' way."
But Kris shrugged. "Save yourself the trouble. You've got something ahead of you." They insisted. Susie shuffled around in her place. "And you don't?" Kris shook their head. "Damn, then." Susie huffed. "No wonder you feel so lost."
Kris shrugged again. "Don't wanna be found, anyway."
They could hear distant chugging and the blow of a horn. They lifted their head to glance through their messy bangs, meeting with a faint white glow slowly increasing in a crescendo of intensity. Like the light of Heaven, coming to take them away— to nowhere, outside of Heaven. They closed their eyes. It will all be over soon. They hoped Susie would chicken out and run. They hoped she'd leave them behind. She deserved better than to die by their side, wasting her life on them.
And she did. She chickened out.
But as soon as they felt her get up, they felt her press harshly into their back, almost launching herself and them, as the pair rolled across the dirt and dead grass, scuffed and scraped by the rigid earth. The train— Kris' escape, their transport out of here, just sped on by, definitely not coming back for a while. "Huh. Looks like there are still trains here after all." Susie panted, her palms rugged against the gravel.
"Why did you do that." Kris asked, but their voice was so monotone it didn't even sound like a question. Susie's eyes darted to the tracks, then back at them. "That was— you were— it was, gonna kill you."
Kris scooted up, brushing dirt off their jeans to sit up limply on the ground. "What do you think I was trying to do? Killing me was the point. Thought you were going to do it with me or something." They'd never want her to do such a thing for them. She had so much to live for, they didn't. But they knew she knew what they wanted. If she really cared, if this really wasn't about what she wanted, why didn't they let them have this?
"Nah, didn't want to. I like being alive with you." She deflected, scooting closer to them. "Listen, I know it sucks. Just— like, everything. I know whatever's happening in that head of yours is something I can't even begin to try and just fix, but..." Kris tenses while they feel her place a hand on theirs. Hers was larger than theirs, almost engulfing their hand. "Everywhere you go, I'll be there with you. I'll die with you, if that's what you really want. But I want to live with you, and watch you get better." Her words felt like a warm embrace on their heart. "If you don't wanna be found, I at least want you to find yourself, 'kay?"
They leaned on her. They didn't need to make eye contact with her for her to know that her words were being received. "You're so selfish, Susie." They mumbled, earning a scoff in return. "Yeah? Well, you're a real dumbass if you get yourself killed out here." She fired back heartily. "Tell you what. Let's find you a new reason to live, just one every day. We'll work on the bigger stuff when we can get the hell out of this town."
Naively, her words always helped them. Even when they knew there were too many horrible things in the world, or in their head, even if they wanted to curl up and think it'd never get better, she gave them some naive hope. "Okay. What's today, then?"
"Getting you home," Susie suggested. "To your worried-sick mother. Tell her you're not dead."
"I feel dead."
"Tell her you're living."
"Mm. What else?"
"Oh, you stubborn asshole." Susie bellowed a laugh. "Fine, get home to sleep, so we can hang out all day tomorrow. We can throw rocks at trash cans to let out your anger or something."
"Sounds like a plan." They smiled.
"Sweet." She smiled back. "Did I push you too hard? Can you walk?"
Truthfully, they could walk just fine. Despite that, they shook their head, feigning fatigue. "Carry me."
"Sheesh, don't sound so demanding." She giggled, lifting them up and slinging them over her shoulder with a little effort, looping one arm around their body.
Kris smiled to themself while she walked them home. Or rather, carried them home. They could hear her speaking, but even though they should've felt assured, they still couldn't center their mind enough to quite hear her. It was all fuzzy, like shapes, in audio form.
Before they knew it, they were back in their room. They remembered their promise— to live for tomorrow, so they could see Susie, their hope, again. So they could hang out like normal, not feeling like a ghost. Not forgetting what even happened in the last few minutes. What did their mom say when they got home? Did she even know what they were going to do? What did Susie say when she left? Why did it still hurt so bad, even when she helped them? Why did that star that hung above their bed not quell them like it usually did? Hurt, hurt, hurt. All they wanted to do was hurt.
They'd never cried so hard. Never buried their face so deeply into a pillow, almost as if it'd phase through if they tried hard enough. They'd never shaken so much, dull pain flaring through their quivering forearm. After everything they talked about with Susie, after how they were supposed to be better now, they'd just gotten worse. They still just wanted to hurt, still just wanted to die. What would she think if she saw them, sleeve rolled up, bleeding over that same spot she helped clean just a week ago? What would she think about them breaking their promise? Would she think they were pathetic? Because they sure thought that about themself right now. They were careful to only wail and sob in their pillow, so their mom wouldn't hear. So the whole damn town wouldn't hear. So Susie wouldn't hear. They were careful to do it in a place they could cover with their sleeves, so they could go on pretending they felt better. Pretending they were going to hold their head high and live through every day, like they wanted to do with Susie.
They had failed at everything— dying, living, being truthful, and even lying. Now, the only thing they could do, just like they did every single night they failed at something, was bleed.