Chapter Text
Friday, 2:13 am
Seungcheol created a group This is about the couch
Seungcheol added Mingyu, Wonwoo and Chan
wonwoo: i literally just closed my eyes 😑
chan: hyung it's 2:13 am ┗|｀O′|┛
mingyu: why does this group exist
why does it say couch
this is scaring me
seungcheol: emergency council meeting
wonwoo: define emergency
seungcheol: Vernon
mingyu: knew it
chan: oh
wonwoo: ...okay, what about him
mingyu: see this is what i mean
chan: what do you mean
mingyu: he sees cheol hyung's name and wonwoo's suddenly cooperative
wonwoo: i am always cooperative
mingyu: you didnt say "define emergency" when i texted you about the sink flooding
wonwoo: because that wasn't an emergency
mingyu: THE KITCHEN WAS UNDERWATER
seungcheol: guys
chan: is the couch underwater again
seungcheol: WHY is the couch haunting this chat
wonwoo: because you keep invoking it
mingyu: like a cursed object
chan: lowkey the couch changed us
wonwoo: do not get philosophical at 2 a.m.
seungcheol: this is serious
wonwoo: i'm listening
mingyu: of course you are
wonwoo: say it with your chest or don't say it
mingyu: i'm saying it internally
chan: internal conflict is valid
mingyu: so is it about the couch?
seungcheol: it's about vernon, mingyu
mingyu: what'd he do now
seungcheol: nothing
mingyu: huh?
seungcheol: THATS THE PROBLEM HE DOES NOTHING
seungcheol: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
seungcheol: he hasn't left his room since...
checks notes
last tuesday. for class
wonwoo: you summoned us because he's existing quietly
chan: he has been gaming non stop for hours
chan: he didn't even come out for food (┬┬﹏┬┬)
mingyu: correction
he came out
stole my ramen
ate those weird cheese balls chan hoards
and vanished
chan: WHY DOES HE KEEP EATING MY FOOD (╬ಠ益ಠ)
wonwoo: you never eat them
chan: they're for emotional support
seungcheol: see???
wonwoo: cheol, to be fair, vernon's always been like this
mingyu: wow
mingyu: wow okay
chan: is that defending or observing
wonwoo: observing
mingyu: sounds like defending
wonwoo: you're projecting
mingyu: i'm SITTING
seungcheol: wonwoo's right though
mingyu: SEE
chan: there it is
wonwoo: i didn't even say anything controversial
mingyu: you breathed in agreement
seungcheol: guys
chan: can we not fight and also not ignore the fact that this is supposed to be about Vernon and not your unresolved feelings
mingyu: excuse me chan! i thought we talked about this?
seungcheol: focus guys
wonwoo: on what, his diet or his personality
seungcheol: his entire lifestyle
chan: he hasn't gone out since Tuesday
mingyu: not even to breathe fresh air
wonwoo: vernon doesn't believe in fresh air
chan: he said and i quote "outside is just inside but louder"
mingyu: see??? 😭
seungcheol: this is what i'm saying
wonwoo: okay but he's always been like this
mingyu: don't normalize this
chan: he didn't even react when the fire alarm went off
seungcheol: .
mingyu: .
wonwoo: was that a real alarm
chan: yes
mingyu: i thought it was his ringtone 💀
seungcheol: this is spiraling
wonwoo: like the couch incident
seungcheol: DO NOT
chan: the couch incident permanently altered our group dynamic
mingyu: we lost trust
wonwoo: and snacks
seungcheol: back to Vernon
seungcheol: he is becoming...
seungcheol: one with the room
chan: like osmosis
mingyu: like mold
wonwoo: stop
chan: i asked him to eat with me and he said he'd "optimize his time" ⊙.☉
mingyu: that's not a human sentence
seungcheol: SO. we need a solution
wonwoo: define solution
mingyu: food?
chan: violence?
seungcheol: something drastic
wonwoo: okay not violence
mingyu: what if we lure him out with shakshuka
seungcheol: NONE of us can cook shakshuka
mingyu: suggestion, not a plan
seungcheol: unrelated but relevant:
vernon hasn't dated since he got to college
mingyu: TWO YEARS
chan: is that bad ( ˚ ∘ - ﹏ - )
mingyu: yes
chan: it's not illegal
seungcheol: but it's concerning
mingyu: are we saying he's like this because he's...
mingyu: bitchless
wonwoo: 😐
chan: 💀
seungcheol: DO NOT phrase it like that
mingyu: i'm just saying. two years.
mingyu: every one of us has dated at least once
wonwoo: multiple times, unfortunately
seungcheol: ...
seungcheol: what if
seungcheol: and hear me out
seungcheol: the problem is that he needs to date
chan:
wonwoo:
mingyu:
mingyu: like. medically
chan: is that how that works
wonwoo: correlation does not equal causation but i'm listening
seungcheol: if he has a crush, or a date, or romantic motivation
seungcheol: he will leave the room
chan: wait
chan: from a neuroscience perspective
wonwoo: here we go
chan: dating doesn't necessarily increase socialization
mingyu: why are you like this
chan: dopamine responses vary person to person
seungcheol: chan
chan: attachment styles also matter
wonwoo: chan
chan: he could still isolate even if romantically involved
mingyu: you're ruining the plan
seungcheol: science is cancelled
chan: i'm just saying (눈‸눈)
wonwoo: the plan is stupid anyway but continue
seungcheol: if he has a crush
seungcheol: he'll shower
mingyu: FACT
chan: okay is that statistically supported
wonwoo: you think romance will fix him
seungcheol: it fixes people in movies
wonwoo: this is real life
mingyu: but imagine
mingyu: vernon getting ready to go out
wonwoo: revolutionary
mingyu: he'll touch grass
chan: maybe just the sidewalk
wonwoo: incremental progress
mingyu: he'll stop eating my snacks
chan: he'll stop eating MY cheese balls too right!!?
mingyu: he will believe me
seungcheol: romance will save him
wonwoo: that sentence is insane
mingyu: but kinda hot
chan: are we projecting
seungcheol: yes
wonwoo: at least you're self-aware
chan:
mingyu:
wonwoo:
chan: wait
chan: would vernon even want that( ,,⩌'︿'⩌,,)
mingyu:
seungcheol:
wonwoo:
mingyu: chan don't do this
chan: i'm just asking
seungcheol: he doesn't want anything
mingyu: he wants his monitor
wonwoo: and silence
chan: but consentually –
mingyu: he consented to us being his friends
chan: that's not the same 😭
seungcheol: chan
chan: yes hyung
seungcheol: he hasn't showered in two days
chan: okay that's compelling
mingyu: dating will fix him
chan: that's not medically sound
seungcheol: emotionally though
chan: emotionally i don't think he has emotions
mingyu: exactly
seungcheol: he needs a crush
mingyu: a reason to leave
seungcheol: a reason to wear real jeans
chan: what if he just... doesn't care
mingyu: impossible
chan: he literally said "if it happens it happens. if it doesn't that's fine too."
seungcheol: see that's terrifying
wonwoo: no ambition
mingyu: no yearning
seungcheol: no bitches
seungcheol: sorry
mingyu: no it's accurate
chan: this feels like bullying (·•᷄ࡇ•᷅ )
wonwoo: it is
seungcheol: but constructive
chan: i just don't want him to feel forced
mingyu: we're not forcing
seungcheol: we're facilitating
wonwoo: aggressively
chan: ...
chan: okay but what if this backfires
mingyu: it will
wonwoo: spectacularly
seungcheol: but at least he'll be outside
chan: ...
chan: fine (￣へ￣)
wonwoo: this logic is deeply flawed
seungcheol: but is it wrong
wonwoo: ...
wonwoo: i hate that i can't fully dismiss it
mingyu: well cheols never wrong for u...pfft...
chan: so we're saying
chan: dating = outside
mingyu: outside = alive
seungcheol: EXACTLY
wonwoo: this is the dumbest intervention i've ever been part of
mingyu: but you're still here
wonwoo: unfortunately
seungcheol: so it's decided
chan: decided WHAT
seungcheol: we get vernon a date
mingyu: oh this is gonna go horribly
wonwoo: spectacularly
chan: ...do we even know how to do that
seungcheol: no
mingyu: not at all
wonwoo: but we do know one thing
chan: what
wonwoo: Boo Seungkwan
mingyu: the uni's "cupid"
seungcheol: okay so
seungcheol: i call boo seungkwan
chan: WAIT!!!!
mingyu: why are you yelling like that
chan: do we have to jump straight to him
wonwoo: he is the nuclear option 💣
mingyu: like calling the government
chan: we don't even know if vernon wants to date
seungcheol: chan
chan: no listen (｡•́︿•̀｡)
chan: we've known him for years but also... do we know him
mingyu: i know his order
wonwoo: i know his gaming schedule
seungcheol: i know he hates loud chewing
chan: that's not the same as knowing someone 😭
seungcheol: so what are you suggesting
chan: we try first
mingyu: try WHAT
chan: like... talk to him
wonwoo: about what
chan: feelings i guess
mingyu: absolutely not
seungcheol: we will not survive that
wonwoo: i'd rather call seungkwan
chan: we can ease into it
mingyu: vernon does not ease
wonwoo: he either exists or disappears
chan: we could ask if he wants to meet people
mingyu: he'll say "maybe" and put his headphones back on
wonwoo: or say "sounds inefficient"
seungcheol: exactly 😐
chan: but calling seungkwan means this won't stay small
mingyu: it was never going to stay small
wonwoo: the moment this chat was named after cursed furniture it was over
seungcheol: seungkwan will tell people
chan: he'll make spreadsheets
mingyu: color-coded 😭
wonwoo: laminated
chan: this becomes a thing
seungcheol: it already is
chan: but what if vernon hates it
mingyu: he hates sunlight and he survives
wonwoo: chan you're assuming emotional resistance
chan: yes??
seungcheol: vernon once said and i quote "if it doesn't concern my grades or my gpu i don't care."
chan: that's not healthy
mingyu: neither is his sleep schedule
wonwoo: or his posture
chan: we're not his parents
seungcheol: no
mingyu: we're worse 💀
chan: i just don't want him to feel ambushed
wonwoo: he won't
mingyu: he'll be confused
seungcheol: mildly inconvenienced
wonwoo: and then adapt
chan: you all sound too confident
mingyu: because we've seen him face worse
chan: like what
mingyu: group presentations
wonwoo: the couch
seungcheol: JEON WONWOO DO NOT 😠
chan: okay but seungkwan is a lot
wonwoo: yes
mingyu: aggressively yes
chan: he'll interrogate Vernon
seungcheol: lovingly
mingyu: violently
chan: he'll show up everywhere
wonwoo: he already does
chan: he'll turn this into a campus-wide project
seungcheol: which increases success rates 📈
chan: ...
chan: this feels wrong
mingyu: it feels efficient
seungcheol: chan
chan: yes hyung
seungcheol: if we don't do this
seungcheol: vernon will spend the rest of college
in that room
wearing the same neon tracksuit
eating ramen
talking to no one
chan: ...
mingyu: alone
chan: okay don't do that 😭
seungcheol: we're helping
chan: are we
mingyu: absolutely
wonwoo: probably
chan: ...
chan: fine (￣へ￣)
chan: but if he asks
chan: i'm saying this was cheol hyung's idea
mingyu: agreed
wonwoo: obviously
seungcheol: wow
seungcheol: betrayal already
mingyu: call him
chan: not yet
chan: wait until tmrw at least
seungcheol: why
chan: so i can emotionally prepare (╥﹏╥)
wonwoo: too late
mingyu: do it
seungcheol: wait chan's right its too late anyways
seungcheol: I'll call him tomorrow
seungcheol: mingyu fwd me his number right now or you'll forget later
mingyu: on it captain 🫡
wonwoo: may god have mercy 🙏
chan: vernon won't
mingyu: he never does
Saturday, 9:27 am
seungcheol: hii, this is boo seungkwan from media dept?
seungkwan: yes 🕺✨
this is him
seungkwan: who's asking
seungcheol: i am choi seungcheol from business dept
seungkwan: OH
seungkwan: choi seungcheol???
seungkwan: wait omg you're that seungcheol
seungcheol: ...is that good or bad
seungkwan: neutral. leaning entertaining
seungkwan: how did you get my number
seungcheol: mingyu's friends with seokmin
i got it from him
seungkwan: wow social circles COLLIDING
seungkwan: okay so what do you need
i have class in 10 mins and 3 people flirting with me rn
seungcheol: 😭
seungcheol: i heard you're popular for being the "cupid" of the uni
seungkwan: popular is such a small word
seungkwan: i prefer community service
seungkwan: so why do you want a date
seungcheol: what
seungkwan: don't you have a crush on jeonghan
seungcheol: WAIT
seungcheol: WHAT
seungcheol: HOW DO YOU—
seungkwan: vibes. posture. eye contact duration. i study media
seungcheol: this is not why i texted you
seungkwan: denial stage noted
seungcheol: I DON'T WANT A DATE
seungkwan: okay okay relax 😒
seungkwan: then why are you here
seungcheol: i want you to set up my friend
seungkwan: ah
seungkwan: that kind of request
seungkwan: which friend
seungcheol: vernon
seungcheol: cs, game designing
seungkwan:
seungkwan: ...
seungkwan: YOU want me to set him up???
seungcheol: why are you reacting like that 😭
seungkwan: because that man exists like a cryptid
seungkwan: i've seen him exactly twice
seungkwan: once near the vending machine nd once as a blur
seungkwan: that boy walks through campus like a side quest NPC
seungcheol: he's just introverted
seungkwan: he once nodded at me and kept walking
i've never recovered
seungcheol: please 😭 he's just a quiet guy
seungkwan: quiet is one thing
seungkwan: vernon is emotionally on airplane mode ✈️
seungcheol: look
seungcheol: he hasn't left his room in THREE consecutive days
seungcheol: like genuinely
seungcheol: no sunlight, no human interaction... he needs to go touch some grass
seungkwan: 😭😭😭
seungkwan: okay but why me
seungkwan: why are YOU approaching me for HIM
seungcheol: because i'm concerned??
seungcheol: he eats ramen, plays games, says "if it happens it happens" about life
seungkwan: oh that's bad
seungkwan: that's very bad
seungkwan: but still
seungkwan: that's a hard case
seungkwan: even for me
seungcheol: but everyone says you can get anyone a date
seungkwan:
seungkwan: excuse me
seungcheol: like literally anyone
seungcheol: remember that snorty economics guy
seungcheol: the one who wore boat shoes to class
seungkwan:
seungkwan:
seungkwan: FIRST OF ALL
seungkwan: i REFUSE to be reminded of him
seungkwan: SECOND
seungkwan: i didn't just get him a date
seungkwan: i transformed his entire personality
seungkwan: you're welcome
seungcheol: see exactly why i came to you
seungkwan: ...
seungkwan: wow
seungkwan: you really challenged my reputation like that
seungkwan: in MY inbox
seungkwan: and that too THIS early in the morning
seungkwan: interesting move, choi seungcheol
seungcheol: so will you help
seungkwan: how long has he been single
seungcheol: two years
seungkwan:
seungkwan: TWO
seungkwan: YEARS
seungkwan: choi seungcheol
seungkwan: that is not single
seungkwan: that is hibernate
seungcheol: that's why we're concerned
seungkwan: "we" 🤨
seungcheol: ...
seungkwan: how many people are involved in this decision
seungcheol: four
seungkwan: oh it's a committee
seungkwan: even worse
seungkwan: does vernon know about this
seungcheol: ...
seungkwan: i'll take that as a no
seungcheol: he's not against dating
seungkwan: has he said that
seungcheol: not... explicitly
seungkwan: mhm
seungkwan: what did he say
seungcheol: "if it happens it happens. if it doesn't that's fine too."
seungkwan:
seungkwan: that's terrifying
seungcheol: RIGHT
seungkwan: okay but hear me out
seungkwan: are you sure he won't just stare at his date and think about graphics cards
seungcheol: he can multitask
seungkwan: questionable
seungkwan: but...
seungkwan: this is intriguing
seungcheol: you'll help?
seungkwan: don't get excited
seungkwan: i need intel
seungkwan: preferences
seungkwan: personality
seungkwan: habits
seungkwan: red flags
seungcheol: he wears tracksuits everywhere
seungkwan: that's not a red flag
that's a cry for help
seungcheol: 😭
seungkwan: ...
seungkwan: fine
seungkwan: i'll take him up as a project
seungcheol: REALLY???
seungkwan: but if this works
seungkwan: you owe me
seungkwan: and once i start
seungkwan: i don't stop
seungkwan: people will talk
seungcheol: as long as he leaves his room
seungkwan: deal
seungkwan: add me to whatever disaster group chat you have
seungcheol: oh no
seungkwan: oh YES 😈