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Step. Another step.
He made his way to the stage. One step at a time.
Step, step.
He could do this. How long had he prepared for this very moment? All he had to do now was just do it.
Step, step.
Hours, days, weeks, perfecting every note, chord, timing, dynamic, everything. He could practically play it in his sleep. He played it perfectly.
Step…step.
So why…why was he hesitating? Why couldn’t he stop shaking so much? Why was everything getting further and further away?
…step…
“Next contestant, Souji Seta. Please make your way onto the stage.”
He barely heard the announcement over his labored breathing.
Just calm down. You’ve done this before. You know what you’re doing. Deep breaths. In. Out. Just what are you so afraid of?
“ …so talented…”
“ …don’t let it go to waste…”
“ …expect no less…”
“ …perfect son…”
No…don’t think about that right now…dammit! Not now!
He hadn’t even realised that he’d stopped walking a while ago. He was leaning heavily against a wall now, the sound of the people and chaos muted and yet still pounding on his head all around him.
In. Out. In…Out. It’s fine…everything’s under control…If only…his hands could just stop shaking already…and his sight wasn’t so blurry…and he could just…take another step onto the sta–
“Last call. Next contestant, Souji Seta. Please make your way onto the stage.”
His breath got caught. He tried to take a breath in.
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t breathe.
He–he…
He had to get out.
He ran.
Somehow, his trembling legs managed to move. He ran. Farther and farther. He didn’t stop. He didn’t stop until he couldn't recognize anything around him anymore, not looking back.
He ended up near a river, quiet and lonely. Just how he wanted it.
Finally, his shaking body sat down after what felt like hours, still painfully gasping for air.
Sitting whilst tightly hugging his legs, he looked out to the stream, admiring its serenity. How he wished he could be like it right now. His eyes were burning but he refused to let them tear up.
He…doesn’t even want to know what his parents were thinking right now. Today was one of the only days that they were going to be back in Tokyo, and now he just ruined it with his own patheticness. What a sorry excuse for a son he was.
He chuckled out humorlessly, the sound hollow and empty.
If only they gave his birthdays that much importance. No, they only wanted to see when their perfect son was going to make them proud–satisfied–like they always expected of him. And now, he was only going to be treated with detached disappointment, if any acknowledgement at all…
He almost wishes that they would yell at him–scream at him–instead of the empty silences that would always permeate whenever he sensed that he hadn’t quite lived up to their expectations.
Because he wasn’t enough.
He was never good enough.
He didn’t notice when the tears started. Nor when they ended. He only wished to feel as calm as the flowing river before him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life in Inaba had been pretty good, all things considered. The change in scenery had been drastic and intense, but he found that he much preferred the slow pace of a town than the hustle of the city.
But the most important thing that he had found was a real family and genuine friends.
Flawed, chipped, and mismatched, but still, all his.
He smiled at the thought.
But still, that doesn’t mean that all of his demons were completely laid to rest.
Far from it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Umm S–Seta-senpai, do you know how to play any instruments?”
He didn’t hesitate.
“No I do not, Ayane-san.”
~~~~
“Hey Senpai, you should listen to some of these songs, get you updated on some of the current hits! Why do you only know classical music, anyway?”
He kept staring straight ahead.
“No particular reason.”
~~~~
“Wow, you sure know how to be efficient in building your models so quickly. You know, Partner, your hands would be great for the keys. You really got them long and slender fingers, perfect for piano. You know what I’m talking about?”
He tried to keep his voice utterly still.
“I don’t really see what you mean, but sure, Yosuke.”
~~~~
“So you ended up choosing us instead, good choice! But I have to ask, why did you quit the band?”
He lied through his teeth.
“Music’s not for me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Perhaps he would’ve been fine, gone through his year, having fun with his friends and family, just barely enough to cover the hole in his heart that only the feeling of a melody at his fingertips could fill. But it would’ve been enough.
But that’s not how it happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey Big Bro, can you help me with this?”
Nanako spoke from within her room. Immediately, Souji was standing out her door.
“Sure, Nanako, what do you need?”
Souji saw her sitting on her bed, holding a small keyboard. He froze.
“We have a school project coming up. We have to do something that is special to us, and I wanna play the piano, just like my mommy used to play for me.”
She looked at him with clear, innocent hope in her eyes.
“So can you please help me learn this song?”
Souji could only stare back, holding his breath.
He wanted to come up with an excuse, say he was sorry, walk away, and never be faced with this again.
But…
…how could he possibly say no? To his little cousin–no–sister? His little sister with her big, pleading eyes that relied so much on him–that trusted him?
He couldn’t do that to her. No matter what he felt, she was counting on her Big Bro, and he would not disappoint her. Not after she’s been disappointed all throughout her life, time and time again, just like him. No, he has to do this, because that’s what he would’ve wanted for himself too, all those years ago. If she still had hope in her eyes, then damn him if he were to be the one to put it out.
He let out the breath that he’d been holding in for who knows how long.
“Of course, Nanako, whatever you need.”
He would do anything for her. Even through his own fears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Everyday’s great at your Ju~nes~. Yay! Thank you for taking me to Junes, Big Bro! I love hanging out with everyone!”
He gently held her hand as they made their way to the group.
“It’s no problem. Everyone loves hanging out with you too.”
She smiled a bright and happy grin as she swung their joined hands up and down.
“Hey, Souji-kun, Nanako-chan, you guys made it!”
They all sat down on their favorite table, chatting about everything and anything. Nanako, as always when she went out, looked as if she was having the time of her life, talking, smiling, and laughing with everyone. Souji felt his heart at peace.
At some point, Nanako wanted to look around the store, and Yosuke put on a comedic salesman role to entertain her. Teddie joined in too, wanting to be part of the game that they were playing, although he was terrible at acting because he kept on laughing in between his lines. Rise and Yukiko would bring her clothes that they thought would look cute on her, and a friendly competition arose at what they thought that Nanako would think was a cuter outfit from the two. Chie naturally picked her best friend’s side and Kanji sided with Rise, stating that they would pick out the "cutest fricken outfit you’ve ever seen!”.
Souji watched it all from a slight distance, enjoying his friends’ special kind of chaos.
Yeah, he would never grow tired of this.
“Look, Big Bro, a piano!”
Souji stopped in his tracks.
No, wait…stop before they–
“That’s not a piano, silly! That’s a keyboard! It’s electric,” Yosuke kindly told her, before remembering his salesman persona, “We just got those in too! It seems like it’s your lucky day today, miss!”
“Oh, a keyboard, Big Bro! You can play it, just like you did before!”
Everyone turned to look at her in surprise.
“Big Bro helped me learn some songs for my school project. He’s really good, even if he didn’t play a lot, but I’ve never heard someone like him before!”
Then everyone turned their heads at him in open astonishment, multiple pairs of eyes all around him, suffocating him.
It almost seemed as if someone had taken out all of the oxygen in the room, leaving none left for him.
Why now of all times did she have to remember that? And why does everyone look so surprised? It’s not a big deal, just forget about it!
His hands started trembling the slightest amount, barely noticeable if you weren’t looking.
“Woah Partner, so you can play the keyboard? Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“That’s amazing, Souji-kun!”
“Wow Souji, why haven’t you played us a song before?”
Everything started to sound like it was getting farther away, like he was stepping deeper and deeper into a dark, endless blue.
“Senpai, can you please play us a song? Pretty please~?”
“Is there anything you can’t do, Senpai? You’re one talented dude!”
“PLAY US A SONG, PIANO MASTER SENSEI!!!”
His friends were now pushing him closer and closer to the very thing that represented both a curse and blessing in his life.
“ …so talented…”
“…you know how to play any instruments…”
“Come on, Senpai!”
“ …don’t let it go to waste…”
“…only know classical music…”
“Play it! Play it!”
“ …expect no less…”
“ …perfect for piano…”
“Guys, can you stop–”
“ …perfect son…”
“…why did you quit…”
… ｗｈｙ ｄｉｄ ｙｏｕ ｑｕｉｔ… ?
…
He was drowning.
…
He…
He–
He can’t breathe.
He can’t breathe and he’s trapped, forced to play like he always is but he doesn’t want to play but what else can he do he doesn’t have a choice he’s never had a choice in his entire life so why would this be any different but its okay since he was made for this he’s perfect for it and has all the talent for it so he can’t really complain so why is it so hard to just do it he doesn’t want to disappoint them not again he’s always disappointing them and that’s why they’re always leaving him they don’t even want to see him their only son because he’s not enough and he’s never been enough and never will be enou–
“Partner!”
He heard a familiar voice call to him, like an anchor in the storm. He emerged from the depths of the raging sea, but he was still far in with no way out.
“I need you to breathe for me, can you do that? Please?”
He was being tossed about the ruthless currents, water clogging up his throat, eyes, and ears, leaving him defenseless to the elements.
“I–I can’t–I–!”
“It’s okay, Partner, don’t talk, just follow me, okay?”
He nodded shakingly, hoping to be guided out of the terrifying deep by his familiar, unwavering anchor.
His trembling hand was placed on something warm, comfortable. He felt it move, up and down, gently, over and over. It was then that he also realised that there was audible breathing next to him, softly coaxing him to do the same. A scent was slowly entering his nose, a smell that he associated with warmth, safety, and trust, something profoundly dear to him.
He breathed in deeply.
Yosuke.
Of course it was him, it was always him.
“Partner…” Yosuke smiled gently at him, voice underlined with concern, “How are you feeling?”
It took a while before he could manage to finally open his eyes again, long since burning wet with tears.
“…Yo…suke…”, he whispered hoarsely, wearingly looking up at him.
Souji crashed into him in a desperate embrace.
“…Thank you…”
He missed the slightly embarrassed squeak from his Partner, but he was hugged back nonetheless. Hearing the soft and steady heartbeat beneath him calmed him and washed away any remaining voice that he had in his head. He smiled at the soothing melody of his Partner’s heart.
“ …Anytime, Partner…”
He would be okay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After all of the crazy and impossible events that had occurred up until then, Souji was somewhat surprised that they managed to have a normal Christmas party with everyone. It really was a miracle.
After everyone had their fill of their shockingly delicious cake (another Christmas miracle) and chatted for a while, they all eventually went home. Except Yosuke stayed behind, claiming he had something to talk about with him.
“Yo, Partner, can we go up to your room?”
Souji shot him a curious glance.
“Does this mean you do want to be my Christmas date?”
Yosuke flailed around as expected as his face turned the color of mistletoe.
“That’s on Christmas Eve, you doofus! But anyways, stop distracting me, it’s important.”
He decided to go easy on him. For now.
“Alright then. Let’s go.”
When they got to his room, Souji saw that there was a large rectangle box on the floor, completely wrapped in Christmas paper with various cats in tiny Santa hats. Souji chuckled at the sight.
“What is this?”
Yosuke looked at him with a serene smile.
“Why don’t you find out for yourself?”
Souji went to the gift and tore at it cleanly and delicately. This was one of the best wrapping papers he had ever seen and he was definitely keeping it.
“Come on, Partner! The paper doesn’t have feelings! It’s not gonna cry.”
Souji laughed at his Partner’s impatience and tried to be quicker. What he saw was something that he wouldn’t have ever expected. Not at all.
“T-This is…”
His hands shook as he read the large black words on the box.
“That’s right, it’s a keyboard.”
Souji was speechless, staring at the object in his hands with wide eyes.
“But…why…?”
Souji turned to look at him, confused beyond belief.
Yosuke now looked somewhat conflicted.
“Souji, I’m not trying to force you to do anything, especially after what happened in Junes that time. And no matter how many times you deny it, I still feel partially at fault. I could have done more to stop it, you know? And that look on your face, the way you looked so vulnerable, so scared, I never want to see it again. I feel like I failed you that day.”
He looked down in pained guilt and regret.
“Yosuke, you know that’s not true, you’ve never failed me.”
Yosuke clenched his crossed arms around himself tightly.
“And even if we can’t agree on that, it’s fine. But I remembered seeing something in your eyes. Ever since I met you, there’s always been a longing hidden within, and I just couldn’t figure out what it was. A moment stood out to me, when I told you that you’d be great for the keys, and your eyes clouded over for a second and your voice wavered, just barely, but I caught it. I thought it was kinda strange since you’ve never been unsure or secretive about anything up until that point, but after what happened back in Junes, it all started to make sense.”
He finally looked at him again, with deep compassion in his eyes.
“I know you have complicated feelings with music, Partner, but that doesn’t mean that you should just give up on it. If it makes you happy–and I know it does, from one music lover to another, I can tell, like when you’d stare at the new keyboards in Junes for too long or start playing an imaginary piano when you thought no one was looking–then you should do it. You shouldn’t let anyone stop you from enjoying the things that you like. And if you need to take it slow, then that’s understandable. No one should expect you to suddenly be okay with facing your fears and past traumas, that takes time. That’s why I thought to get you a keyboard. You can connect it to headphones and stuff and have it just for yourself, with no one else in between you and your music…”
Yosuke stopped in his rambling to take a breath. He hadn’t realised that at some point he had turned his gaze away from his Partner, his familiar embarrassment catching up to him. He smiled bashfully at him.
“ …So, what do you think, Partn–”
Right as he was going to look back up at him, he was suddenly prevented from continuing his sentence by a pair of soft lips against his own.
It was short and sweet, but Yosuke still couldn’t process what had just happened. He stood there like a gaping fish, completely flushed from head to toe.
“P–P–Partner?! What just…What?”
Now it was Souji’s turn to get embarrassed.
“Sorry, Yosuke, I should’ve asked first. But I just couldn’t hold back anymore…”
Souji smiled with a pink hue to his cheeks, something which was truly a rare sight on him.
“Thank you, Partner, I love it.”
If Yosuke had any functioning brain cells before, then he definitely did not anymore.
“I–I…Yeah…I’m glad you…I…Yeah…”
He tried his best to come back from his bombshell of a revelation. He gathered his remaining brain cells and shook his head.
“I mean, what I’m trying to say is…I’m glad you liked it, I was hoping you would and maybe not hate me for it…And also…you don’t have to be sorry…as I also…liked it…”, he said as his confession ended in a rushed squeak.
Souji’s smile seemed to rival the sun’s, full and bright. He went to grab Yosuke’s guitar-calloused hands, the same ones that would always help him up, whether in the TV World or in the real world.
“I’m glad it was you, Yosuke. It’s always been you. You’re the only one that’s ever really seen me, understood me, even when I would put up my walls and never talk about myself. Somehow, you’d always see right through me anyways, you’d always know what I want or need even before I would…And I couldn’t ask for a better Partner.”
Yosuke looked at him as his eyes turned misty, a wavering smile sneaking up his lips.
“Wow Partner, you always manage to surprise me, don’t you? I never expected my gift or my first kiss to go like this…No, this is way better than anything I could’ve ever imagined.”
Souji tenderly put his forehead against his Partner’s and closed his eyes. He could almost hear their heartbeats, harmonising together, beating into one.
“I feel the same way.”
~~~
As he went to leave for the night, Souji stopped him in his tracks. He took a deep breath.
“Yosuke…One day…I…I’ll play a song for you, I promise.”
Yosuke gave him an easy smile back.
“I’ll look forward to it, Partner.”