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Pomni didn't quite know how long she'd been staring at the dreadfully blank ceiling above her, an uncomfortable mattress on a hospital bed below her in a room she wasn't used to. For a second there, she hoped it would help her sleep better. And only for a second, because, for once, she was able to recall that that kind of hope was a bad idea. There was a time and place for optimism, and this wasn't it, because she knew she'd only let herself down.
The jester had never been very good with change. The static nature of the circus was something she'd grown incredibly used to, and whenever something threw off the status quo, she was thrown right along with it. So being in a hospital surrounded by alternate dimension counterparts of her… castmates? It… it wasn't the easiest thing for her to handle, if she was being honest. Sure, Pomni wasn't the most comfortable at the circus either, but if she had to pick between there and here to be a comfort zone of some kind, it would be there. And so here she was, completely out of her ‘comfort zone', and it was kicking her ass, to put it bluntly.
She'd already been lucid a few times today. One had been somewhat calming and pleasant, whilst the one prior to it… lets just say that Pomni didn't think she left a very good impression on the other Pomni and Jax, nor the other Caine. The latter was nice enough to not let it show, though. She wasn't so sure about the other two. She dreaded her conversation with her Jax after the morning. She was certain he'd inform her of all the weird looks their counterparts were giving her. Damn it. The jester hadn't even been here a day and she'd already gained a reputation for being, well… her. Which is a reputation no one wanted to have.
And whilst she would love to get some shut-eye after something like that, and get in one more positive experience in the dark before the day was out, some really important aspects of her nightly routine were missing, and it was tearing her apart. Just two pieces of paper, gone, and she was already crumbling. It was pathetic, really.
One was an easy fix. All she had to do was ask for paper, a pen, and some tape, and she was golden. However, she didn't really have a way of doing that whilst lucid, and whilst she could trying and get her non lucid self to do it, the paper and pen were also pretty important for that, too. She could only hope her Jax would be willing to get her some. Pomni would rather solve this particular issue as soon as she could.
The second issue was a lot more difficult to handle. It was a note from someone else, someone… special, and she knew it would basically be impossible to try and sleep without it. It was the most important thing in the digital world to her, and not being able to feel that cold, desperate buzzing in her hands and against her chest as she recited it's words like a mantra was possibly the worst part about this situation.
She moved the pillow under her head, choosing instead of clutch it tight to her chest as she focused her gaze back on the ceiling, focusing on the tiniest little dent to keep her gaze from wandering. Usually it would be a small sentence, scribbled long ago, with its entire purpose being to preserve the humanity she was so scared she'd already lost. But right now she didn't get to work with the usual. She could only work with what she had and hope everything would be okay. This was one of those times where optimism was necessary, and she clung to it with all she had.
As she transfixed herself on the dent, her mouth started to move, methodically, mechanically, and with a melancholy that kept her grounded. The words were wistful and charming and spoke of her as if she were the last woman in the world…. Back then, she was. But the voice that spoke them aloud sat at a brisk monotone. Not removing their power, but dimming it. Pomni knew she didn't deserve them, but she desperately clung to them all the same. It was something she could never forget. Someone she could never forget. She didn't keep them because they spoke of her so highly. She kept them because they reminded her that there was someone who was kind enough to think of her that way, and to want her to know that. She kept them because they reminded her that he existed, and to kill the person who kept her life going would be the cruelest thing she could ever do.
But then, on her fifth rhythmic performance of this man's last gift to her, she tripped up. The word escaped her, and Pomni searched her mind desperately to recall what it was. And yet she couldn't find it.
As terrible as her memory was when she wasn't lucid, her memory issues when she was were nothing to sneeze at either. The whole reason she had these words to hold tight to her chest and never let go of were because her mind let go far faster than her heart would like. And this was her problem.
She couldn't forget them. She couldn't lose him like this again. She spoke him aloud once more, and then again, tripping and stumbling over more and more words with each repetition. She clutched the pillow tighter and tighter to her chest as syllables escaped her faster than ever before, and she had no hope of ever reaching them. She gripped them tighter and tighter, praying they wouldn't slip through her grasp, and yet they continued to, because why wouldn't they? Why would she be allowed to have this? How was she ever allowed to have this? It was a miracle it had lasted this long. How was she only losing it now? She didn't have much else to lose. She was lucky she had been able to grip it this long. She should just let go. It would be easier.
And yet, his words grew faster and faster, and the holes became wider and wider. It was nonsense now. It only made sense to her. It only ever made sense to her. But now there was no possibility of anyone else understanding. Not that she minded. It had always been only for her, and so it would remain that way as it decayed into a shell of its former self. She let its hollowed out form shape her lips, opening and closing them around it for as long as she could-
The pillow popped. Feathers leapt into the air above her, before slowly yet surely falling back down, as they were always meant to. One stuck to her wet cheek. Since when had she been crying? It was so quiet. She hadn't noticed. Maybe that was for the best.
Maybe everything should just be quiet for a little while. It wasn't as if she had anything else to fill the room anymore. A popping noise always signalled that things had come to an end. That it was going to be quiet for a little while. She could respect that. Pomni couldn't even remember what she had been talking to herself about, honestly.
It couldn't have been that important.