Work Text:
Harrison,
My beautiful, perfect little boy. Oh how I wish I could have protected you from the same fate as your mother. The trauma that brought us together is the same event that pushed us apart. You had your mothers eyes, in waking and in death, till I closed them just like I closed hers. Bright blue dulling to a pale grey.
I wish I could have saved you from a violent death. Your waking life was filled with violence, why couldn’t I soothe that for you to pass peacefully? Why did you have to pass away at all? You came back into my life and for a brief moment I thought I could have a family, have love in my life, just for you to be ripped away from me, in front of me.
I destroy everyone that steps into my life. I thought maybe that if I stepped out of yours you’d be better off but it’s clear to me now that I damned you the moment you were brought into this world. A part of me does feel lucky that I was able to at least hold you as you took your last breath, that I could be there for you in the end if not for the rest of it.
You were the light of my life Harrison. I tried for so long to live without you. The pale dull boring life of isolation, the crater in my chest left by the impact of those I have loved. I didn’t deserve to live as long as I did, after everything I have done. After everything I have done to you.
You coming back into my life not only filled that crater with substance and purpose, but with love. I loved you Harrison, more than you will ever know. I never told you. I’m not sure if you heard me. You might have already been gone.
Your blood underneath my fingernails that won’t wash away is the last piece of you in my life. I can’t live another day to see that fade away too.
I miss you so much. I missed you everyday for 10 years. I thought maybe a life with you, together, would have been possible, but now I see that the person most deserving of my talents is myself.
You’re not my phantom limb, you’re my phantom heart. I love you Harrison. I love you more than a father should.
I’m sorry I couldn't give you the protection that you needed.
Love, Dad