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Captain Cortex sighed, peering past the doors of the pre-stage room that led to Cranium Command’s stage.
He knew very well that he wasn’t supposed to be out of the storage closet before closing time; he just couldn’t help himself.
Buzzy was sitting in the command center, looking pristine as ever. His wide eyes were sparkling as a genuine, bright smile sat plastered on his face, his hands delicately dancing over the control panel as he navigated Bobby over to his soon-to-be girlfriend.
The guests watching him from behind wore similar expressions of pure wonder and engagement, fully entranced by the spectacle before them; the brown-haired commando really was nothing short of a showman.
Captain Cortex adored Captain Buzzy. It was irrefutable by all means, he truly did. Ever since the other man had found him abandoned, the two of them had managed to grow closer and closer by the day, to the point where they were practically stuck to each other like glue.
However, despite all the affection he felt, there was a painful twinge of jealousy that was always close behind.
Cortex wasn’t sure if he wanted Buzzy, but he knew for a fact that he definitely wanted to BE Buzzy.
He was pulled out of his trance when the guests sitting in those pink seats of replica brain matter stood up and began rapidly advancing in his direction; the show was over.
Cortex immediately scrambled inside and dove underneath one of the benches for cover, watching from below as everyone showed themselves out.
“…Are we in the clear?” He heard Buzzy whisper to Hypothalamus after a prolonged amount of silence.
The robot most likely gave him a nod, because Cortex then heard the sound of Buzzy shuffling out of the chair and landing on both feet.
“I’m going out for the night, I’m heading down to the Imagination pavilion. I promised Figment I’d help him with festival preparations, I promise I’ll be back before Bobby’s field trip tomorrow. Bye!” He said in an enthusiastic whisper.
As he saw the other man walk by, multiple thoughts ran through Cortex’s mind. As much as he wanted to support and congratulate him for a job well done, he also wanted to grab his leg from below and hear him scream.
…No.
As much as his brain was begging him to, Cortex wasn’t going to be mean to his only friend today. He’d come to do one thing, and one thing only.
Once he was certain Buzzy was gone, he emerged from underneath the bench and rapidly made his way over to the front of the stage, hoisting himself up onto the chair immediately.
“Hello to you too, Captain Cortex.” Hypothalamus sighed as the black-haired commando sat down and made himself comfortable, sighing as he stared up at Bobby’s dreamspace.
He aimlessly began to stroke and tap on meaningless filler buttons, quietly humming the military song General Knowledge had drilled into his head all those years ago.
Despite the clock going from 10pm to 11pm to 12am, Cortex was counting the minutes passing like nanoseconds. He wasn’t going to be there for long; it was just to feel something, he told himself.
Suddenly, a loud burst of static rang out from above his head, causing the Captain to gasp and jump what felt like ten feet high.
“Scuzzy? Are you done for the day?” The voice of General Knowledge rang out from atop the loudspeaker, before the transmission of him appeared clear as day.
“Uh, hey…! Mr. Know-It-All!” Cortex greeted him in an impulsive panic, immediately giving his presence away.
“Oh no, Captain Cortex?! Not you again!” The General groaned, facepalming; this was FAR from the first time they’d encountered each other this way.
“Heh heh…IIIIII’ll just go ahead and show myself out-“ Cortex forced a nervous smile, swinging his leg over the side of the chair as he prepared to make a getaway.
“No, no, NO! You leave that chair when I TELL you to leave that chair! Let me have a word with you first, TEN HUT!!!”
Cortex flinched, saluting loyally.
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed your determination! You wanna pilot a brain again, dontcha boy?!”
“Oh, I sure do General! Any brain’ll do!” Cortex’s eyes practically sparkled with excitement.
“Well then, listen up Captain! The current state of the world is REPUGNANT! HQ has been producing a ton of failures as of recently…with some being more orange than others...AND WE’VE GOTTA FIX THAT!!!” General Knowledge jammed a finger down on his desk.
“Yes, sir!” He impulsively giggled.
“There’s nothin’ funny about this, you laughin’ lunatic! The world as we know it is falling to pieces, we can’t have this! These bumbling behemoths that keep getting put in power are turning all my top-tier pilots into MORONS!!! Their ignorance IS A CLEAR, TERRIBLE OFFENSE TO GENERAL KNOWLEDGE!!! …Ooh, that’s me!”
“Understood, General!” Cortex stiffened up, stifling his playful urges.
“Normally, I give chickens to my worst recruits. Those who do terrible, horrible things in HQ before even getting up in a human, or the ones that I just don’t like! That…will not be the case with you. You see, when I was trainin’ your little boyfriend, Fuzzy, I kept tellin’ him he was going into one of THEM if he didn’t sharpen up!!! He got his act together, which is great and all, but I have my concerns about the current state of what could’ve been his chicken.”
The General held up the white and red bird, holding it close to the transmission screen as it locked eyes with Cortex.
“A brain pilot?! I told you General, I’m going into politics like my father! No commando is going to sit in my brain, no-sir-ee!” He squawked.
“See what I mean?” General Knowledge raised an eyebrow.
“A politician without a brain?! In today’s society?! Oh geez, the world’s practically overflowing with those already!” The severity of the situation finally hit the Captain hard.
“Now you get it, eh?! That’s what I’ve been SAYING!!! This is a serious situation, one that only a Top Brain can handle! Your new job is to STOP THAT CHICKEN FROM GOING INTO BAD POLITICS LIKE THE REST OF ‘EM!! Now get into the launching bay…or should I say, launching pen…and TAKE OFF!!!”
“Sir, yes, Sir!” Cortex shouted, before lunging out of the seat and running to the command bay.
The chicken was sitting there miserably, sentient and defiant even with the top of its head screwed off. Climbing into it and getting it prepared for takeoff took him a few hours due to having been retired for so long, but there was no way the Captain was going to admit the struggle; it was a small price to pay for the fresh start he so desperately wanted.
Once the top hemisphere of its head was screened back on, Cortex felt a rush of adrenaline within his own body as the chicken rapidly took off; this was it. This was his big chance to contribute to the world again, to become a star within the Cranium Command in his own way. He was going to-
“Bawk.”
Cortex was torn from his fantasy before it even began, looking up at the chicken’s transmission screens with a start.
“Bawk.”
Sure enough, instead of a sentient Left Brain, he found himself staring directly at another chicken.
“Yeah, right. Very funny, Left Brain. Right Brain, come in!” Cortex scoffed at the chicken on screen, before attempting to call on the brain’s other half instead.
“Bawk.”
In came Right Brain.
Then the rest of the craft.
AKA; all chickens.
“Ha ha…damn it.” Cortex grit his teeth as he realized just how screwed he really was.
He forcefully opened the craft’s eyes to feel less suffocated, only to freeze at the sight before him; he was shut tight in a pen, surrounded by none other than a bunch of other chickens.
“W-What the?! WHERE AM I?!” Cortex shrieked, grabbing his head in horror.
“We’re at the zoo, Captain. We live here.” A monotone voice spoke up, pure relief flooding through Cortex’s veins despite the situation.
“A Hypothalamus that doesn’t speak chicken! Nice!” He celebrated exasperatedly, resting an arm against the top of the robot as he moved the craft’s neck around to observe the full extent of his surroundings.
“Y’know what actually, this can’t be that bad. Yeah, it’s probably going to be more boring than if I were a chicken in the wild, but it’s not like my mission is to pilot a Disney adult or whatever.” He shrugged.
“That’s correct, Captain. Before you came along, I was the one who ran this craft; blink blink, breathe breathe. That’s all it really does, day in and day out. That, and consider running for President.” The Hypothalamus sighed.
“Well, it’s time to kiss those preliminaries goodbye! Top Brain’s in charge now, I’ll show you what a real fun time is…oh boy, a pile of dirt!” Cortex suddenly fixated on a cloud of dust nearby, the body crew clucking in delight as he went over and began to roll in the dry soil it came from.
“Ha! This is easy!” He scoffed, sitting back and folding his arms behind his head.
“Alright class! Let’s split up here, shall we? This is The Petting Pen, everyone meet me back here in an hour!” An obnoxious, grating voice suddenly echoed from outside the pen.
Cortex quickly shot up and turned his head to see none other than a teacher abandoning a line of middle-schoolers behind her, all of them staring directly into his pen.
“Judging by the look on your face, I’d assume you were unaware of this.” The Hypothalamus spoke up.
“Yep.” Cortex sighed, biting his lip as the kids rushed forward and stuck their hands into the coop.
All the other chickens fled the scene, quickly rushing to the secluded area of the enclosure with ease. However, Cortex, being new to the chicken controls as a whole, was unable to escape on time; he was left right in petting territory.
Almost immediately, a girl with dirty blonde hair knelt down and rested a hand on his head, before starting to stroke his feathers as if he were a dog.
“HYPOTHALAMUS, HELP!!!” He cried, only for the structure to omit a loud, deep sigh.
“Sorry, Captain. That’s all I know how to do.” He said.
“Awww, this one’s cute! Isn’t he, Bobby?” She turned to another kid standing above her.
“Yeah. Chickens are great, we eat them for dinner sometimes!” He said.
“Bobby! Don’t say that in front of him!” She playfully scolded him, elbowing him in the side as they laughed.
The boy knelt down beside her as well and second the they made eye contact, Cortex froze.
That wasn’t just a random kid named Bobby; it was BUZZY’S Bobby.
“Hey, I think he likes you! His pupils constricted the second he saw you!” Annie noticed.
“Oh, that’s so cool! Hi little birdy!” Bobby reached a hand in too, joining in and petting him on the back.
Meawhile, Cortex was practically screaming inside the command center.
“BUZZY!!! BUZZY, IT’S ME!!! TOP BRAIN!!!” He howled aimlessly, too humbled to hit the mic. He wasn’t about to reveal himself and fail the mission, but there was no way he was just going to stand there and let this happen.
In a frenzy of flustered clicks and clacks on the control panel, Cortex somehow managed to force a wing up.
“Oh, he’s saying hi!” Annie cried, clutching Bobby’s arm excitedly.
“Woah! Wait, look, he’s doing something else!” Bobby pointed as Cortex managed to slightly slant his wing against the side of his forehead, striking the former Cranium Command salute from his time on the force to make himself known.
He’d taught it to Buzzy when they were alone one night; he knew with full confidence he would recognize him from it.
“Wait…CAPTAIN CORTEX?!” It instantly broke the other commando, the words uncontrollably slipping past Buzzy’s lips.
“Captain Cortex? Who’s that?” Annie laughed.
“Oh, uh, nobody! Just…a friend!” Buzzy saved it, despite sounding visibly nervous.
“Why do you sound so nervous? Are you sure it’s a friend, or is someone being mean to you again…?” She sounded genuinely concerned at his tone of voice.
“No, no! I-It’s just the name I decided to give this chicken! Captain because it kinda looks like he’s saluting, plus… his head’s kinda big! Which is why he’s called Cortex! Sorry!” Buzzy winced out a discreet apology to the Captain, who was slamming his head against the controls in humiliation.
As a result, all Bobby and Annie could see was the chicken slamming its head into the dirt bath.
“Oh, that’s cute!” Annie was thankfully subdued fast, before going on to wince at the sight of the Captain tweaking out.
“Is he okay? Do chickens do that often?”
“Uh…no.” Bobby cringed.
Cortex quickly stopped the banging and stiffened up, refusing to look any stupider the he already did around Buzzy. He had to prove that he was on par with him as a pilot, and FAST.
“Hmm…oh, of course! I’m a bird, I’m gonna show him I can fly!” Cortex concluded.
“Sir, chickens can barely-“ Hypothalamus began, only to be cut off by the Captain making tweaks to the muscular system.
Slowly but surely, he managed to get the craft up and hovering off the ground…only for its wings to flap up a massive dust cloud that went straight for Bobby and Annie.
The two kids immediately burst into fits of distressed coughing, quickly turning around and staggering away.
So much for an ego boost.
“Lovely job, Captain. Please get us down now.” The Hypothalamus told him sarcastically.
Cortex groaned in mental anguish and began to crank down the tension in the wing muscles, only to briefly lose control and plummet down slightly faster than he anticipated.
In the midst of the falter, a brief flash of G-Forces hit the Captain, a rapidly falling feeling entirely unbeknownst to him. He impulsively scrambled for something to hold onto, his hand clutching a bar on the control panel that slid down the second he came into contact with it.
Thankfully, the bar helped catch the chicken midair before it hit the ground. Cortex was able to lower it down carefully, sighing in relief once its feet touched the dirt…only for a loud alarm to start blaring off.
“Wait, what?! I didn’t even do anything, why is this thing-“
Next thing the Captain knew, he had been violently ejected from the top of the chicken’s head.
The last thing he heard before he landed in the secluded area of the coop was, “Autopilot mode, selected.”
“N-No…NO!!!!” He hissed under his breath, watching on in horror as the chicken slowly stood up on its own. It steadily walked over to the gate of the pen and lifted a wing, undoing the latch keeping it confined before hobbling away with zero hesitation.
Cortex face-palmed aggressively; the chicken was on his way to a campaign rally.
It was over.
It was-
“Oh, hey! One of the chickens got out!” Bobby’s voice suddenly rang out.
Cortex looked up, realizing the kids hadn’t run off far from the pen after all. Bobby lifted the chicken up into his arms as gently as possible and showed it to Annie, who gasped.
“It’s Captain Cortex!” Annie recognized him. “He’s saying sorry for getting dust in our eyes!”
“Silly Captain!” Bobby laughed, carrying him back over to the pen and placing him back inside uneventfully.
“Hey Tex. This is…really surprising, honestly, but I’m real glad you got to be back in a craft again. Chickens are so hard to pilot, I could never. I’m proud of you, okay? See you back at WoL.” He whispered, still under the impression that Cortex was inside, before turning on his heel and rushing back over to Annie, the two of them leaving hand-in-hand.
The Captain couldn’t help but reel back.
Buzzy, THE Captain Buzzy that the corporation deemed “superior”, just admitted that he could never be able to do what Cortex was doing.
Buzzy was proud of HIM.
He and his ego had officially made it in life…but not for long.
Once it was sure the children were gone, the chicken immediately waddled its way over to where Cortex was lying in the pen, putting its wings on its hips and narrowing its eyes at him.
Desperate to break the silence while also fearing for his life, Cortex winked and threw up double finger guns playfully.
“…Eh? So, what do you say? How did you like being piloted by Top Brai-“
He was answered with a sharp peck to the head. Much to his horror, the sound that came from the impact was dull and hollow.
“Top Brain?! More like, Birdbrain!” The chicken squawked, before abruptly powering down and falling limp; autopilot had immediately drained all its battery.
“There goes my ride back to HQ.” Cortex grumbled to himself, sitting up and picking up the chicken. Once the zoo was closed and he was able to sneak out, he was going to have to endure an excruciating, agonizing walk back to Epcot.
Whatever; at least he hadn’t gone into politics.