Work Text:
Admittedly, falling in love with my gay nerd co-worker bestie was not on my game plan.
Especially since I thought I was straight up until I realized my crush on said co-worker. I’ve probably been bisexual my whole life, but it took until I saw Charlie Spring to realize it. There were clues, or at least my mum seems to think so. My mild obsession with one of my male rugby camp counselors, my need to watch Pirates of the Caribbean over and over ad nauseam… The more I thought about it the more I realized getting butterflies in your stomach around a cute boy was a good indication that you might not be as straight as you once thought.
It wasn’t a problem, of course. Yeah, I had a big gay crisis, might have spent several nights googling ‘why do I think my gay coworker is prettier than any girl I’ve ever seen’ along with ‘is there a platonic reason I want to keep hugging someone’ until I felt like I had some kind of answer. I even went to one of those LGBTQA+ centers run by the most chaotic nonbinary person I’d ever met, Darcy. They took me under their gay wings and kept calling me their project baby-bisexual. I even met their wife, Tara, when they invited me over for dinner one night.
So not only did I discover something about myself at age twenty-seven, I also managed to make two new friends.
Telling my mum was easy enough, I think she knew I had a crush on Charlie since I’d talk about him every chance I had. I even had him over to meet her and apparently they now text each other. I didn’t find it odd that my co-worker and mum had a text thread, I apparently thought it was a normal thing.
I think I’ve shown just how cluelessly naive I really was.
But now I’m a well-informed baby disaster bisexual and my biggest problem is if I should even bother telling Charlie how I feel. I know Charlie likes me as a friend, we hang out after work more often than not. That doesn’t even count how many times we gravitate towards each other at work either. We’re in different departments, I work as a Youth Librarian and Charlie’s in Adult Reference. We’re on different floors even, but somehow I see him more than any other co-worker. We even started doing programming together, trying to do things for the Teen/Young Adult audience libraries are always desperate to get in the door. Anytime I have a question for Reference, I just dial Charlie’s direct line and he does the same for me. Sometimes I just call him to talk too, if it’s a slow morning or something.
We take lunch at the same exact time every day too, hell, our co-workers call the table we sit at the Narlie table (a cute combination of both our names).
We hug a lot too. Like, hello and goodbye hugs. Sometimes I just hug him because he looks comfy in his jumpers. We’re always bumping shoulders too and once I even very platonically ran my hand through his hair so I could stop imagining how soft it was. He also owns a wide variety of my jumpers now, despite having his own personal collection. I can’t help it, when he looks cold I just need to fix it.
Yes, I realize most of this should have clued me in sooner than a year into it. But the point is I know now.
But also the problem is now that I do know, it’s harder not to just grab Charlie and kiss him anytime he does so much as breathes. It’s really annoying sometimes, like last week we were playing Mario Kart at my house and despite beating me every single time, he still does a little celebratory punch to the sky. It should annoy me, getting my ass whooped nonstop by the least sporty person I know but god, it just makes me want to kiss him silly. Or when he giggles. Fuck, his giggles make my heart actually ache and his eyes, I swear, I don’t know if I’m just wearing gay love colored glasses with him but I’ve never seen eyes so perfect and beautiful. They aren’t just blue, it’s like something better than blue. I tried to look it up once and the closest I came was a shade of Cerulean Blue.
And his curls. God. The one time I did run my hands through them, I thought I would explode. They were so soft and curly. I once asked him how he does it and he explained his long and quiet frankly intense-sounding hair routine to me. I asked what happened if he wouldn’t and he looked at me like I just asked him something offensive. Apparently the curls go wild and unkempt and honestly, it made me want to see it even more. That’s when I started imagining what Charlie looked like in the mornings, sleep ridden, cranky, before his proper morning coffee.
I might have suggested he sleep over a few times when we’d hang out late into the night, but he politely declined. But he does fall asleep on me sometimes anyways, especially if we’re watching a movie. His head hits my shoulder and I lose track of space and time. One time I nearly held his hand too, it was palm up and looking so inviting. His fingers are long and slender, I find them just as attractive as the rest of him, honestly. I don’t think Charlie has an unattractive bone in his body.
And yes again, I know I’m down bad.
But he’s also my best friend inside and outside of work. I don’t want my stupid crush to hinder any of that. Charlie’s the first person I want to tell anything to. He’s the person I trust as much as my own mum. He’s the smartest, funniest, most thoughtful person I know and to lose his friendship would be absolutely devastating. I’d have to leave work for sure, I don’t think I can handle being in the same building as him knowing he’s upset with me. I don’t know what would be worse, him saying he doesn't have feelings for me and agreeing to be friends or him not wanting to be friends at all.
I’d have lost him either way and I can’t… listen, I know it’s stupid, I spent twenty something years without Charlie Spring in my life but now that I have him, I can’t spend another minute without his soft melodic voice.
Darcy, Tara and mum are all Team Just Tell Him, but they don’t really understand the situation. Yesterday at lunch Charlie saw it was snowing and instead of being normal adults, we ran outside and made snow angels in the back garden behind the library. Was it cold? Fuck yes. Did it end up with Charlie wearing my favorite blue jumper all day then? Absolutely. He also had on the most adorable beanie that made his hair squish just as much as my heart does. I took so many pictures of us, which is not uncommon. My camera role is basically dogs, Charlie and maybe some other animals I see that are cute. I think there’s one of just my face that I sent Charlie when he was out sick for a week just so he’d remember me. (I didn’t need to worry, he texted me every single day so I know he didn’t actually forget me.)
Anyways, they don’t understand how much I can’t lose what we have. And another big problem is how exactly do I even tell Charlie? As far as he knows I’m just his supportive straight rugby lad. Would he be upset with me if I suddenly tell him I’m queer now too? Would he think I was lying to him for the last year? It’s so stupid because Charlie is the first person I want to tell things to and not telling him this is absolutely worse.
Can I even give Charlie what he deserves? He’s had shit boyfriends in the past, he deserves the absolute best and I’m still just a baby bi whose never even kissed a boy before.
(I have, however, dreamed about kissing Charlie. It’s my most frequent fantasy. Charlie and I are hanging out and he just casually asks if I want to practice kissing him. I know it’s teenagerish but listen, when you have your queer awakening as a young adult you need to experience a bit of secondary school all over again. And honestly if you saw Charlie's lips, you’d also dream of ways to kiss him. They look soft and full and I’m sure they taste like coconut because he keeps using this coconut chap stick. I once bought it myself just so I can stop imagining what it was like but it wasn’t the same. So I gave it to Charlie. Not the one I used, the second one that came in the pack. I don’t know how I’d explain handing Charlie my used chap stick without him calling the police.)
He deserves someone who isn’t fumbling and awkward about things. I tried searching the internet for as many tips as I could about gay sex and while yes, they’ve been uh, helpful, I still know it will be different when I’m actually with Charlie. What if I hurt him? What if I say something stupid? What if I do it all wrong? My first time having sex with a girl was a bit messy and awkward and we did giggle about it later, we were seventeen. Charlie’s an adult, he deserves an adult lover.
Darcy suggested I try hooking up to gain experience and it sort of made me want to die. Yeah, I find other guys good looking and sexy but not a single one of them holds a candle to Charlie. I think I’d rather never have sex again if I can’t have sex with Charlie.
Yeah, okay, I know that’s a lot. I’ve talked to my therapist about it too and they agree my "infatuation" with Charlie might be a bit much but there’s no turning this down. Once the switch was turned on, there’s no adjusting it, the off switch has been disabled. It only goes up higher the more I learn about Charlie and the more I spend time with him. And god, do I learn so much about him! He’s really opened up to me, something I take very seriously. I want to be reliable to him, I want to support him and if I tell him I love him and he doesn’t feel that way not only do I lose him, but he loses someone who supports him. I never want to make him feel uncomfortable around me.
He hasn’t been dating much either. He went on a few dates with a guy named Patrick he met on a dating app but thankfully that fizzled. I might have looked him up, of course, I need to make sure he was good enough. And by look up I mean searched his name, stalked his Facebook (which was really a red flag because who has Facebook anymore?) and looked at his library record. That gave me the most information, Patrick, age 28, read a lot of James Patterson books which is another red flag. He had a late fee too for not returning one on time and who on Earth takes longer than two weeks to read James Patterson? I told Charlie this before his second date and he scoffed at me, reminding me that I like “questionable” fiction too which, fair, but also mine is more age appropriate. And I don’t have late fees.
I’m not sure if it was my insistence that ended things but the following week Charlie casually told me he broke it off with Patrick. He didn’t give a reason directly, just said there was no spark.
Charlie and I have sparks. We have them all the time. I’m sure cartoon fireworks go off anytime I look at him.
Have I mentioned he plays the drums yet? He does. I’ve seen him play. I’m not sure how he doesn’t have a billion suitors after watching that. God, it makes me so… uh, okay maybe too much information. Sorry.
I read a book once about something called Hanahaki disease, a fictional disease where someone is so in love that flowers pour out of their mouth instead of words. Sounds romantic until you realize the person will choke to death on flowers if their love isn’t returned. It might sound dramatic but that’s how I feel. Every time I see Charlie I just want to open my mouth and say I love you, marry me and if I don’t say it soon I might choke on the words and die. I very unwisely told this to Tara and Darcy last week and they both rinsed me for at least an hour straight about it.
Darcy even sent me flowers to work yesterday morning. Charlie saw him and very curtly asked if I was seeing someone and when I said no, he seemed not to believe me. I really hope I haven’t upset him in some way. I thought of buying him flowers too but that felt even weirder for some reason.
Charlie has a cubicle in the back he works at most afternoons and I have a habit of visiting when I’m done with my storytime. There’s something about being with Charlie after all the chaos that calms me down right away. He’s like a soothing balm and we don’t even need to talk either. Sometimes I’ll just pull up a chair and sit at the side of his desk and watch him type or work on something until my 15 minute break is over with.
When I walk back there today, he’s typing furiously at his keyboard, the clicking is the only sound in the room. There’s no one else here, everyone’s either doing something or at the desk. His hair is a bit messier than usual today and when I pull over my chair, I see he’s got tea already there for us. I know it’s my favorite kind, he keeps bags of it at his desk so it’s always ready. There’s also a Dairy Milk Oreo bar next to it, like he’s anticipated the hectic storytime.
“Hi,” I say my voice quavers just a little.
“Hi,” he says, not looking away from his screen. “I know you said today was Toddler Time and I know you’re always a bit more frazzled after that class. I checked sign ups and saw the Johnson twins were coming in too and I know they were a nightmare last night. And that one annoying mum who keeps trying to hit on you, her son was signed up. I hope she didn’t tell you how strong your arms are again. I mean, what kind of a come on is ‘you’re really good at holding picture books’ anyways? Like, yeah you’ve got strong rugby arms but anyone can hold a picture book. Hell, I can do it and I’ve got these weak pathetic noodle arms.”
It is at this moment the damn bursts.
“Charlie, I love you.”
I might as well vomit flowers up at this point.
“Oh,” Charlie says, turns to look at me, smiles softly. “I love you too.”
“No,” I say, words blooming from my chest and up my throat. “No. I mean I really love you.”
Guess I’m going for broke because I just vomited up an entire bouquet.
There’s about sixty seconds passing and I think I’ve fucked this up so badly I might want to leave the planet.
And then.
“God, Nick, I fucking love you too.”
I’m pretty sure I’ve actually died from the flowers because there’s no way Charlie actually says that back to me.
“Really?” I ask, in utter disbelief.
“Fuck, really you idiot, get over here and kiss me.”
Kissing Charlie is everything I want it to be and more. Coconuts, soft lips and grabby hands. He kisses like he means it. We both do. Like this is the only way we can express how we feel for each other.
Admittedly, making out with my gay nerd co-worker bestie was not on my game plan, but who needs game plans anyways?