Chapter Text
Say what you wanna say
Leave it all away
For the gods of wonder
The God of Wonders - Colours In The Streets
"Hey guys!" Ilya said, with a smile, moving smoothly towards them and hooking an arm around Sierra.
He'd met her at this video games café a few months ago and they'd become friends along the way. When Svetlana had mentioned she wanted to throw some kind of party with their friends, Ilya had suggested that they could invite her. This had absolutely not been an excuse to invite Rose, because Svetlana clearly did not have a crush on her. It always made Ilya laugh how his roommate and best friend would always completely deny how she always looked at Rose, how she'd always talk about her. He liked to tease her about it.
"Rose," Ilya added with a nod in her direction to which she replied with a polite one and a soft smile.
Then, a guy he didn't know stepped up and tapped his shoulder somewhat forcefully.
"Hey, I'm Hayden," he said, pulling Ilya into an awkward hug, "and this is Jackie, my girlfriend."
But Ilya wasn't really listening anymore, his eyes had fallen on another person, who'd been hidden behind his group of friends until now. He was looking away, most likely taking in the room, but Ilya could still see the deep brown of his curious eyes and the plumpness of his cheeks where a collection of freckles spread out.
"This is Shane," Rose said, pulling him out of his study.
Ilya finally turned his head to look at Jackie and smiled at her, then glanced at Rose once more until his eyes were drawn again to the quiet boy.
"I'm Ilya," he said, "Sveta's roommate, but Sierra probably told you. She'll join us in a minute."
Another glance at Rose and he was pretty sure her cheeks had gained a faint tone of pink. But he had other things in mind, right now, such as the boy still not looking at him.
As if he'd read his thoughts, Shane finally turned his gaze to him. Ilya just felt himself blink. He was never left speechless like this and the silence, despite being only seconds long, made him feel uneasy.
"Didn't know we'd have more guests," he said awkwardly.
Fuck, he was never awkward either. And now he'd lost it again, that pretty boy's gaze on him. He slapped himself mentally.
"Svetlana was aware," Rose said, "I asked her if that was okay."
"Oh," Ilya answered, then: "yeah she’s the mastermind when it gets to organizing stuff. Says it's her virgo rising or something."
Sierra huffed and made her way into the apartment, followed promptly by Hayden, Jackie, Rose, and finally, a step behind, Shane.
Ilya quickly caught up with him.
"Hey, so, do you live with any of those guys?"
Shane's eyes went to him with something Ilya couldn't read, but before any of them could think of anything else, Rose's voice interrupted them. Suddenly, she was right next to her friend and her whole demeanour screamed of protection towards him.
"He lives with his parents, still. I live with Sierra."
"I was asking him," Ilya pointed out.
Okay, maybe that sounded a bit passive aggressive, all things considered. It did not seem to bother Rose, though, as she answered right away:
"He's not gonna answer you."
"What? Why not?" Ilya asked, genuinely confused. Rude, he thought. His eyes went from Rose to Shane, his brows frowning.
"He just doesn't talk."
"Oh."
Now Ilya felt dumb. What an idiot. Thinking that he was being rude to him when the boy just couldn't speak. His first idea was to apologise, but wouldn't that be weird? He hadn't said anything wrong, did he? Then, he raked his brain and started moving his hands.
"What are you doing?"
"Sign language?"
He only knew how to sign 'hello' and 'how are you', but that was a start, right? But now, Rose was looking at him with an amused look on her face.
"What?"
"He doesn't know sign language. He's hearing you perfectly."
"Oh." Disappointment could clearly be heard in Ilya's voice. "So he just can't talk?"
‘Just’, oh this sounded bad and ableist. Another mental slap.
"He can..." Rose started, making Ilya even more confused, "He just... Rarely does."
"Oh, okay. But there's plenty of other ways to communicate, aren't there? If he's not comfortable with talking, surely there’s other ways for him to express himself."
And then, his eyes truly met Shane's. The boy had lifted his head and gaze to meet Ilya's, and something in his pupils definitely radiated this same curiosity Ilya had noticed earlier, along with... Hope? Gratefulness?
Ilya was about to open his mouth again when Svetlana called his name from her room.
"Shoot, I must go but I'll be right back. Make yourselves at home guys.”
- - -
Shane took in those few moments of peace. Finally, all of his friends were done overprotecting him. Hayden and Jackie were too busy drowning in each other's eyes on the other end of the sofa. Rose was chatting with Svetlana while mindlessly tracing the rim of her glass with her finger. Sierra was playing some video games with two other guys he didn't know because they had not really taken their time introducing themselves, and anyway, Sierra would always leave him space. Another girl was watching what they were doing, bent over them. There was some noise, of course, but it was quieter than when they'd all eaten pizzas together a few moments ago.
His friends had not really left him any choice but to come with them, pretending that they had not been out together for ages. Okay, they might have been right on that one. Shane didn't exactly liked parties. They'd argued that this would not be a big party, 'ten people is hardly a party' Hayden had said, that it would be 'chill', that nobody would be drunk out of their mind. Shane had tried telling them about his thesis, his usual excuse, but they had taken none of it. He didn't exactly know Svetlana, but he knew she was one of Rose's colleagues.
Actually, he probably knew more than he should have. Rose was so smitten with her that Shane usually just shook his head with a little smile as she ranted about that 'amazing girl with the prettiest hair and radiant personality' colleague. Most of the time, he'd just let Rose talk about her and only half listen, his mind going some other places instead, but other times... He wondered what his friend felt for Svetlana. Shane had never really been interested in people. Or, well. He loved his friends, dearly. He was so grateful for them. But he was never the one to actively try to make friends. And whenever Hayden – because he was like this – would tell him about how happy he was with Jackie, or when Rose was coping with her yearning for Svetlana, he'd just assume that romantic feelings probably weren't for him. He didn't want to put a label on this, he knew Sierra was all into those but he didn't get them, either for sexualities or for gender. What even did they represent anyway? Wasn't he allowed to create his own? To figure them out in his own time? Even if that meant never? What if he didn't want to figure them out? He'd been assigned labels his whole life anyway. Weird. Awkward. Stressed. Picky. Obsessive. Anxious. Asperger. Autistic. Screw that, they got rid of the Asperger terms – who would want to be diagnosed with a nazi's name? Nowadays it seemed like autism was considered a spectrum.
Shane quite liked that. Everything was eventually a spectrum, wasn't it? Words were never precise enough. 'I'm angry', but how much? Just irritated? Wanting to throw punches and burn the place down? 'I'm thirsty', but like, I could use some water or mouth and throat feeling like sand paper? 'I'm a boy'... As in behaving like the stereotype of what a man apparently should be according to society? What did that even mean? Strong? Muscular? Hating pink? Avoiding anything labelled as female and mocking it? Shane had absolutely no idea. All of this made no sense. He'd rather just take things as they were and not try to limit them to a label.
He almost jumped when someone sat next to him. He'd been so lost in thoughts that his hypervigilance hadn't even registered Ilya approaching, he believed that was his name.
"Sorry, did not mean to startle you," the guy said, his eyes reflecting some honest sympathy.
Shane just shook his head and gave him a little smile, that was okay.
"So, uhm... are you-"
"Ilya, leave him alone, will you?"
Rose had somehow teleported a meter away from them and was looking pointedly at the curly haired boy with a fierce expression on her face.
"What? I just wanted to chat! He was alone and-”
"He needs to be alone sometimes," she said, then she opened her mouth again but Shane was waving his hand in her direction to let her know that this was okay.
Rose would always come to his rescue. Sometimes Shane appreciated it because people would be... Pushy. Well, most people usually just ignored him, but some would ask him tons of questions or take it as a challenge to make him talk. Sometimes, though, she just scared everyone away without exception and Shane got a bit frustrated with her being so protective of him. He had enough of his parents for this. Said parents who still played his friends' game so he'd come to this party tonight.
Rose sighed.
"Okay, let me know if he's being a pain in the ass, though."
"Hey! I'm never a pain in the ass," Ilya said, and Shane could hear how his accent got sharper than earlier.
"That's not what Svetlana says..." Rose continued as she walked away.
Shane noticed Ilya's frown and pout, but as soon as he turned to face him again and took in Shane's amused expression, his traits softened and his lips curled slightly into a smile.
"Shane, right?"
Shane nodded, looking at him expectantly.
"I'm Ilya if you don't, uh, remember."
Shane nodded again, a pinched smile on his lips.
"How are you doing? If you want some quiet you can always... Go on the balcony or... I can let you in my room."
Shane studied his face, looking for something. He didn't really know what. Mockery? Dishonesty? All he seemed to find was pure concern, though. He shook his head and folded his legs in front of him so his feet rested on the sofa now. Ilya watched him and after a few seconds also folded one leg to sit on top of it, making himself comfortable.
"I mean, I get it, sometimes people get too much. I love being around people, I love partying, but sometimes I just want to have some time with myself, you know?"
Shane didn't even nod, he felt like he didn't need to. Ilya's smile felt genuine and like he kinda understood Shane's need to isolate. Maybe not to his point, but some place on the spectrum of tolerating people's presence that ranged from 'can't spend one second alone' to 'I'm so overwhelmed with everything I need to be tied in bubble wrap and live on a secluded island for the next few business days'. For now, Shane was more on the 'it's getting a bit much and I'd rather be home, but this boy is making me curious enough that I want to hear what he has to say' of that spectrum.
Then Ilya proceeded to narrate a story of that one time when he was at a party trying to find a quiet space for a few minutes, and every door he pushed opened on the most random situations – and that he’d rather have not seen any of them.
Shane listened. Ilya had a way to tell things that was quite original. His English was good, but sometimes he’d stop to think of a word, or use words Shane didn’t hear often. And his accent was deeper on some of them. And the tone he was using was making the whole recitation so much more alive. And without even noticing, Shane had started to chuckle softly at what Ilya was saying.
“Anyways,” Ilya sighed dramatically, “that was one hell of a night. At least this makes it a fun thing to tell, I guess.”
Shane huffed but his gaze never left Ilya’s face. That was until Ilya’s eyes met his for longer than two seconds and Shane had to look down.
“Okay.” Ilya cleared his throat. “Your turn now.”
Shane instantly felt his guts cramping. There he was. Being asked what he just couldn’t do. His lungs felt like he’d just hit a wall and all the air had flown out of them at once.
“No! Sorry, I forgot,” Ilya quickly said when he seemed to realise, “I’m not… You don’t have to speak, you know. I just wanted to say… I wanted to…”
Then he fell silent and stretched towards the coffee table to grab his phone. While he was unlocking it and tapping on the screen, Shane swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to ground himself.
He was rather surprised when Ilya presented him with his phone, open on the note app.
I just wanted to get to know you, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make you panic :( I’m a dumbass
Shane read the sentence and looked up tentatively to meet Ilya’s pleading eyes. He looked so much like a sad puppy that Shane could feel himself relax with that thought. He watched as the boy took his phone back to type some more.
Can I ask you about what you do? Do you work? Study?
Shane looked up again, this time the gaze crossing his looked imploring. Instead of taking out his own phone, Shane grabbed Ilya’s and typed his answer before putting it back in the boy’s hands.
Yes
He waited for the look of confusion that deformed Ilya’s eyebrows to get the phone back again.
I’m joking, you should see your face. One could draw a question mark on it and it’d look the same.
He waited for Ilya’s reaction when he pushed the mobile into his hands again, which was promptly followed by a frown.
“Hey!” Ilya grumbled.
But it only made Shane laugh. Silently. But he had both arms wrapped around his stomach, which didn’t cramp for the same reasons anymore. Ilya rolled his eyes with an annoyed expression that could have been credible if only a tight smile hadn’t accompanied it.
Sorry, I misjudged you. I thought you’d be boring. I didn’t think someone who can’t speak could be funny, Ilya typed.
Fuck you.
“No, but for real,” Ilya’s voice broke the silence again, “but now typing this makes me realise that it was such a dumb misconception.”
I don’t work and I’m done studying, but I guess you could say my thesis feels like a full time job at this point.
Ilya looked at him with wide, impressed eyes.
They kept going for a while. Shane learnt that Ilya worked full time at a shop he shared with Svetlana – who also worked part time with Rose at the theatre –, that he was from Russia (this explained his accent) but had been living here for the past two years. That he and Svetlana had known each other since they were kids and had moved in here together. He could tell there was some deeper aspect to what Ilya was sharing with him so far, but he didn’t want to question it. He’d only met him two or three hours ago after all.
Then he explained what his thesis was about, how he in fact liked spending time with his friends as long as it didn’t include too many people or too much drama, how he still lived with his parents but would quite regularly sleep at Rose and Sierra’s or Hayden and Jackie’s.
Once he felt like he trusted Ilya enough, he apologised for Rose’s behaviour earlier.
She can be like… A bit too much when it comes to me. She won’t let anyone show any rudeness towards me, even in the slightest form.
Is she your girlfriend?
Shane raised an eyebrow and looked up before he huffed loudly.
No, she feels more like a big sister or something.
Ilya nodded and took his phone again, visibly back to a serious conversation.
But if she has to behave like this around you, I suppose she has her reasons…?
Shane stared at the phone in his hands, didn’t really know how to answer this question. Words wouldn’t really be enough to explain. He just shrugged with a sad smile.
Why are you typing and not talking, though?
“What?” Ilya said out loud when he read the sentence. He still grabbed the phone, though. Well, you’re not speaking so…
But you can.
I figured we could use the same form of communication? Is it dumb?
Shane bit the inside of his bottom lip as a smile crept in. He’d never felt… Heard that much. His friends did treat him as equal, and he didn’t mind them speaking out loud while he’d type or just react. But never in his life had someone gotten willingly to his level.
It is sweet. I appreciate it. Thank you. You can still speak, though, I don’t mind.
Ilya seemed a bit relieved, Shane could tell from the relaxing muscles in his shoulders. The boy smiled at him sincerely, his eyes travelling on several parts of Shane’s face.
Shane tried to ignore it and put his head down again to type some more.