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Vanessa Shelly considered herself to be a brilliant woman. She was wicked smart, a great cop, and reliable to a fault. She had survived so many horrific things. She was so strong and she knew just how capable she was.
But there was one thing she knew that she was terrible at.
Talking to kids.
It was a friday night, the Mikes had wanted to go out, and who was she to deprive her baby brother and her best friend from a thing like that? They were young and in love, and Vanessa cherished the fact that she was able to create an environment conducive to that. So she volunteered to babysit.
Vanessa loved Abby. She was a super smart kid and she had an imagination unrivaled by anything Vanessa had ever seen. Vanessa just… didn't really know how to hold a conversation with her.
When she got to the house she let herself in with the spare key that Mike had made for her when Michael moved in. She clicked the door shut behind her and deposited her shoes and jacket at the entrance before making her way towards the living room.
“Youve really got to learn how to do this yourself,” Michael was saying, he was facing away from Vanessa and hunched slightly, stooping in order to tie Mike's tie for him. “I mean, seriously, you're a grown man, this is embarrassing.” he finishes, punctuating his point with a light slap to the knot of the tie. He let his hand linger there, looking into Mike's eyes. Vanessa couldn't see either of their faces but she could guess at the feelings displayed on them.
Neither of them had noticed Vanessa yet, but she didn't want to interrupt this display of domestic affection. She knew both of them needed it, craved it, and it made her feel nice to see them like this. These were two of the most important people in her life and them being this happy, in turn made her happy.
“I don't think that's what you actually want,” Mike said, stepping impossibly closer to Michael "I think you like having your face this close to mine.”
That was something that Vanessa did not want to see. She cleared her throat to make her presence known, awkwardly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. Michael spun around frantically, a look of fear and surprise evident on his face, before evening out at the realization that it was just Vanessa.
“Vanessa, hey!” Mike said, flattening his shirt with his hands somewhat awkwardly, “how, uh… long have you been standing there?”
“Not long,” Vanessa chuckled, “you guys are cute. Now go, get out of here, go have fun.” she said, signaling towards the door with her hands.
Michael grabbed both of their jackets off of the back of the chair in the living room that they were resting on. He shouldered on his own before holding mikes out to help him put it on. It was not lost on Vanessa that Micheal had complained about helping with Mike's tie but was now putting his jacket on for him unprompted.
“Ok,” Mike started, after his jacket was on, "there's pizza in the oven for the two of you, Abby is in her room, ill go get her, no tv after nine, and we will probably be home around midnight. If you can get her to go to bed before then, that would be awesome but sometimes she gets jumpy at night, you can make her a cup of tea, that sometimes helps, but if anything happens and you need us to come home just call and I’ll-”
“Mike,” Vanessa cut him off, “we’ll be fine. Go say goodbye to your sister.” She tried to make sure her face was steeled in reassurances, and not to let her own nerves show though. She knew everything was going to be fine, she just worried about her own awkward nature and Abby not having any fun. She would figure it out. Definitely.
Mike looked to be reassured nonetheless, and gave Vanessa a small apologetic smile on his way out of the room. He made his way down the hall to Abby's room, leaving Vanessa and Michael alone in the common area. Vanessa turned back to Michael, who was smiling fondly after Mike.
“Finally gone soft, huh?” Vanessa said, moving to nudge Michael playfully in the ribs. They had had their differences, sure but it had been a few years since their father had passed and they had worked it out. Especially when Michael started seeing Mike, Vanessa had decided it was really time they talk everything out. She loved Michael, she always had. All she wanted was for him to be happy, and if he got to find that happiness with her best friend, that just made things better for her, right?
“Eh,” Michael shrugged, "there's just something about him that does that to a person, I think” he said, eyes still trained on the door to Abby's bedroom that Mike had disappeared into.
“I think that's true,” Vanessa said, “I also think you're secretly a big ol’ cheeseball”
Michael turned to face her at that, rolling his eyes, but he didn't have a comeback. Probably because he knew it was true, deep down.
“Where are you guys going tonight anyway?” Vanessa asked, genuinely curious. She had jumped at the opportunity to give them a night to themselves without even knowing what they were going to do with it. Michael waved his hand dismissively.
“Some sticky-floored bar that he loves,” he said, faux exasperation heavy in his voice. “Hes been going there forever, knows all the bartenders by name, the works. It's a fine place, they play all the songs he likes. But we're getting dinner at this new Italian place that I found first. Don't want him drinking on an empty stomach.” Michael finished, crossing his arms, a fond smile resting firmly on his lips.
Before Vanessa got the chance to respond, Mike and Abby came out of her bedroom. Abby was trailing mike chattering at him to stay safe, drink water, dont talk to strangers, make sure him and michael got home safe, come into her room when he got back so she knows he was home, and Mike was responding with things like “yes, yes, I know, yeah, I got it, I will.”
Vanessa couldn't help but chuckle to herself as Mike and Abby entered the room, knowing that Mike had almost definitely given her a very similar set of instructions moments earlier.
“You ready to go?” Michael asked, turning to Mike. Mike nodded, hugging Abby a final goodbye. Michael gave Vanessa a side squeeze and patted Abby on the head on his way towards the door.
“You guys have fun!” Vanessa called after them.
“Not too much!” Abby added, drawing a snort from Vanessa.
“Bye!” Mike yelled, rolling his eyes as he shut the door behind them, leaving Vanessa and Abby alone in the house. Abby rounded on Vanessa expectantly.
“So…” Vanessa started, trailing off because she had no idea what she was even trying to begin to say.
“So.” Abby repeated. They had known each other for so long, why was this so difficult?
“Pizza?” Vanessa asked.
______
Vanessa and Abby sat at the dingy kitchen counter on wobbly wooden stools, cheese pizza situated between them. She was happy that Mike had remembered that they both preferred plain pizza. Too many toppings made Vanessa uneasy, she didn't like how all the textures mixed in her mouth to make an unpleasant cacophony she couldn't ignore.
“Is that coffee?” Abby asked, gesturing to Vanessa's thermos that she brought with her.
“Yes, it is.” Vanessa responded.
“Isnt it a little bit late for coffee?” Abby asked, quirking an eyebrow and gesturing at the kitchen clock which now read 7:43.
“I don't want to fall asleep on the job.” Vanessa teased. Abby rolled her eyes, exaggeratedly.
“I told Mike that I don't need a babysitter. I'm thirteen, I'm not a baby. And besides, I'm sure you have something else you'd rather be doing with your Friday night.” Abby says, bringing her slice of pizza to her mouth to blow on it before taking the first cheesy bite. But Vanessa just shrugged.
“Not really,” she said, “you are far more interesting than any reruns on tv, or eating dinner by myself again. And you know how Mike is, I'm sure he feels much safer with you being here with someone who has firearms training.”
Abby just giggled at that, and they fell into a comfortable silence, munching on their dinner. Vanessa found herself silently thanking God for plain cheese pizza, which she thought He probably didn't get much thanks for. She hadn't been to church or really been religious at all in a very long time, but you could never be too careful. And she thought He deserved kudos for such a wonderful invention as frozen meals.
“You know,” Abby started, after a minute of relative silence aside from their chewing, "I always thought it was going to be you and Mike.”
This caused Vanessa to splutter around the sip of coffee she had just taken.
“I- what?? He’s- Mikes- Mike, he's my best friend. Nothing like that ever happened between us. We went on one weird, sort of date once but decided it was really better for us to stay friends for,” she half laughed to herself, “a myriad of reasons. Also, wouldn't it be weird for him to date my brother if something had happened between us?’
Abby seemed to think about that for a moment, face twisting in something Vanessa had to guess was deep consideration before she shook her head as if wiping a thought from her mind.
“Yeah, I guess.” she finally responded.
“Do you like living with Michael?” Vanessa asked, steering the conversation away from herself. She hoped that she could get Abby going, talking about something she was interested in. That way, Vanessa could dodge hard to answer questions from this ridiculously smart child sitting in front of her.
“Yeah, he knows a lot about robotics, he makes really good popcorn, and he's a really nice guy underneath all his,” she gestured vaguely with her hand that wasn't holding her pizza, “Michael-ish-ness.” Vanessa knew what she meant.
“Sometimes I hear him screaming at night. Mike says he has nightmares.” she paused, taking a bite of her pizza, chewing and swallowing before she continued, “But, I think being here with us has softened him out a little bit. And I think him being here has made Mike better, too. He listens more now.”
Vanessa nodded in agreement, waiting for Abby to say more, but it appeared that her thoughts had run out. She scrambled, trying to get her talking again before the conversation could turn back to her.
“How is school going?” easy, a question everyone ages 5-18 had to answer daily and a great way for Vanessa to find an interest of Abby's to talk about.
Surprisingly, Abby groaned, throwing her head back dramatically.
“That is such a boring question,” Abby sighed, “school is fine, I'm legally mandated to be there every day and they teach us the same boring shit as every year. I can't even take an art class or a robotics class this year because my elective is P.E.! Can we please talk about anything else?”
Vanessa balked. Visibly shocked not only Abby's harsh response, but her use of profanity. She knew that the kid was almost in high school and she was supposed to be the fun cool aunt who let her get away with stuff like that, but it still caught her off guard. She stared at Abby, mouth and brain both trying and failing to find the right response. Eventually, she gave up, perplexed. She was usually much more articulate. She knew Abby had been known to explode, but it had never been directed towards her before.
“Sorry,” Abby added after a minute, “sorry.”
“It's fine.” Vanessa found herself saying, expression easing into something more pleasant and neutral. They had finished their pizza by now, Vanessa began to clear away the dishes.
Vanessa moved to the sink and turned on the tap before starting to scrub their plates. The sponge really needed to be replaced, it was starting to get gross. She knew she had some extras at her apartment, so she added a note in her mental list of things to bring next time she came over. She often did things like that, replacing small household necessities in order to take a few small things off Mike's plate and make things easier for him.
Abby got up from the counter. Vanessa looked up briefly from the dishes to see her leave the room. Oh god, she hoped she hadn't upset her. She knew that Abby wasn't exactly well liked at school, but she had friends. She had a friend over a couple weeks ago when Vanessa came over for dinner. Vanessa didn't know his name, but he seemed like a nice kid, and Mike liked him.
Vanessa scrubbed at the dishes angrily, trying to get the dried cheese that seemed to have congealed completely off the plates. Maybe that was the downside of frozen pizza.
She didn't mean to make Abby upset, she just wanted to know more about her life. Middle school is rough. Hell, Vanessa remembered. She knows people always ask kids about school, but when they're young and the only places they go are school and home, what else are you supposed to ask about?
Vanessa gave the dishes a final rinse and grabbed a towel to dry them off. She guessed that Abby had gone to her room. She would let her cool off and then go say she was sorry and wish her goodnight in a little bit. If she wanted to be left alone then Vanessa wanted to respect that.
She replaced the dishes back in the cabinet, silently cursing her poor conversational skills. But, when she turned back around she found that Abby had returned to the kitchen counter. She now had a big box of art supplies that she had gotten for Christmas and a pile of blank printer paper. Vanessa silently celebrated as she returned to her seat across from Abby.
Abby's art skills had improved drastically over the past few years. She had taken an art class last year and learned about colors and perspective. Her taste in supplies had also gotten significantly bougier after she had been able to use acrylic markers and nice charcoals and pastels in class. Vanessa, Mike, and Michael had all pitched in to get her a big set of fancy set with markers and pastels for Christmas. Vanessa also got her a nice sketchbook that she knew had filled up almost immediately. She would have to get her another one for her birthday.
Abby was bent over her paper, she would scribble something and then, looking unsatisfied, erase it.
“What are you drawing?’ Vanessa asked.
“It's supposed to be a portrait of Mike, but I can't get his nose right.” she said, frustrated. She groaned and erased the line that she had just drawn. She looked over at Vanessa and silently slid a blank sheet of paper towards her. She then started rummaging around in her supplies box and produced a small pack of crayons and handed them over too.
The crayons were pretty old, the box was dirty and some of the crayons inside were broken or worn down, clearly well loved. Abby obviously didn't trust Vanessa with her fancy supplies. Fair enough. She was a cop, not an artist.
Vanessa picked out a yellow and a light blue crayon and started doodling small flowers across her piece of printer paper.
“Why are you making them all blue?” Abby asks.
“Theyre forget-me-nots.” Vanessa explains, "They're my favorite flower.”
“Huh.” Abby says. She returned to her own page, moving on to a different part now that she had seemingly gotten Mike's nose to her liking.
Vanessa continued scribbling her little flowers until they formed a nice patch. She dug around in the crayon box until she found a green that would do nicely for the stems of the flowers.
“So are you and Michael like… ok now?” Abby asked tentatively after a moment of silence.
Vanessa stiffened slightly. She readjusted her grip on the crayon, not moving her eyes up to meet Abby's.
“What do you mean?” Vanessa asked.
“Well,” Abby started, struggling to find the words, "I mean, like, your father is gone, but I think when Michael has nightmares, it's about him. But you guys have normal lives now. What was he actually like?”
Vanessa took a deep breath in, finally averting her gaze from her little purple-blue flowers to look abby in the eye.
“My father was a very bad man-”
“No, I know he was a bad guy. Like a really bad guy. But was he a good… dad?” Abby rephrased. Vanessa almost laughed.
“No.” she stated plainly, “no, he wasn't a good dad. It was worse for Michael, but Abby, I really don't think Mike would want me to be having this conversation with you.” Vanessa shook her head, as if to dispel the thought from her head.
“Oh, Vanessa, please?” Abby said, “all of the important adults in my life have been affected by this guy and I don't even know the full extent of it. I just want to understand.” she pleaded.
“Abby-”
“You don't have to tell me details.” she cut her off, "I just want to know what he was like.”
Vanessa sighed. Deeply. There was absolutely no way she was wriggling her way out of this question. She could just tell Abby to go to bed? No, it was 8:30, too early. She could just flat out refuse to tell her anything? No, that wouldn't work either.
She decided her only option was to tell Abby what her father was like. Vaguely. Very vaguely. Hopefully she wouldn't have too many questions. Fuck.
“My relationship with my father,” Vanessa started, haltingly, “was less like parent and child, and more like a show dog and trainer. He told me that I was his favorite, that I was good, but it was like using a clicker when training a dog, so they'll keep listening to you, doing what you ask.”
“Oh.” Abby breathed out. She stopped herself quickly, clearly wanting Vanessa to continue.
“He wanted me to be just like him. He wanted to keep me right at his heels. He didn't actually care about me, I was just the best at following directions.” Vanessa explained. “It was different for Michael. He…” Vanessa shuddered, there were so many things she could say, and she didn't want to think about any of them.
“It’s not my story to tell.” she decided, "you'll have to ask him, but I'm not sure he's ready to tell you. But I can tell you it was bad, Abby. He's been through a lot.”
“Like you haven't?" Abby questioned.
“What?” Vanessa asked.
“Look,” Abby sighed, “all I'm saying is; I know you're like this bad-ass-cop-self-made-woman-awesome-hero and I know you want to protect Michael and Mike and me, but you've been through a lot too.”
Vanessa knew that. She knew what she had been through, but it was behind her. She has other things to take care of. She was an adult, she was fine.
“You keep saying it was ‘worse’ for Michael but you went through something too. Your father is a terrible man, whatever happened to the two of you, it wasn't better, or worse, just different." Abby turned back to her drawing as if she hadn't just blown open Vanessa's entire worldview.
Like, yeah, ok, but objectively. It had to be worse right? Like “its just different” is just a thing people say right? Father never laid a hand on her. Michael had scars to prove the abuse. She just had a messed up head that she had gotten pretty good at protecting herself from.
But there's not any growth in that. She hadn't actually processed all of the things that had happened to her, just shoved them down. This is not an epiphany to be having in the middle of babysitting. She'll cry in the shower later.
“Thank you, Abby." Vanessa lands on. “Youre a really smart kid.”
“I know.” Abby responds, not looking up. Little shit.
_____
When Vanessa finally gets Abby to bed, after a couple hours of shitty reality tv and Abby telling Vanessa all about the stupid projects for school that she doesn't want to do, Vanessa sits on the couch by herself. She has never allowed herself to sit in her feelings. When she lived with her family, there was just no point. She was the eldest, she was the favorite, there was no reason for her to feel anything. She would pick herself up and move on to the next thing she needed to do. As an adult, she found that letting herself feel for long periods of time was a surefire way to get to a breakdown that would leave her unable to do anything for days. But now, she was safe. She was in her best friend's house, she had a support system and people who loved her, and she didn't need to be the guard dog. She let herself feel whatever she was feeling.
She was feeling sad. Sad about her family, sad about living by herself when this house was so full of life, sad about whatever Abby was dealing with at school. But she also felt hope. She had people who loved her, and for the first time in a long time, she wasn't in any danger.
Maybe she was finally at a place where she was ready to work through all her bullshit. She had spent so long treading water and trying to keep her head above the rising tide that she had never had a moment of peace. Now, she was out of the storm, the water was around her ankles and she could finally breathe.
When Mike and Michael finally stumbled back into the house, faces flushed, and limbs tangled unelegantly, she didn't rush out the door like she normally would. She didn’t lunge at the opportunity to go back to her solitude, she stayed. She talked to her brother and her best friend about her night and listened raptly about theirs.
She knew she wouldn't be able to just fix everything immediately, but she was going to work on it. She was going to be present and enjoy her time with the people she loved. With her family.
After a little less than an hour of talking to the boys, she could tell they were fading and needed to get to sleep. Vanessa gave hugs and earnest ' ‘i love you’’s before eventually falling into the driver's seat of her car and letting out a long breath she didn't realize she had been holding.
Maybe everything was going to be ok? Well, at least it was starting to.