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The voice of his teammates seems to be echoing in his head even as he leaves the locker room. Shane was quick to grab his clothes once he realized they actually believed the accusations. In his head he hears them say he tripped on purpose and how he could do that to them. Before ending it with that he should get the fuck out of their sight now.
At first he tried to make them see how ridiculous they were being. That they know him and should know that he wouldn’t throw a game under any circumstance. When he realizes that his pleas are falling on deaf ears the deviation is too much to bear and he books it out of the locker room.
How could they believe this? He had known most of these guys for ten years and they really thought he would just give up like that. Even though he is filled with a red hot rage a shiver runs down his spine. Looking down for the first time since he rushed out of the locker room he takes in what he is wearing. He still has the majority of his uniform on not having a chance to change into his normal clothes before everything went down.
Worst of all he feels the cold from the concrete floor below sinking in through his socks. His mind immediately jumps to the sight of his shoes placed neatly in front of his stall. Kicking himself for forgetting them even though he was hurrying.
Now he is stuck weighing his options, does he go back now and face the music and grab his shoes under the scrutinizing stares of his teammate. Risking them starting this whole argument again. Or does he continue with his plan to change in the nearby staff bathroom and just wait it out in there. Hoping he times it right that and that all the guys have left. That none of them will be there to watch his walk of shame.
Neither option is that appealing right now and frankly Shane just wants to go home feeling the emotions he's been trying to push down bubbling up to the surface. His eyes start to burn as he tries to blink back his tears.
Just then he hears two voices curving around the long hallway. Shane brings up his hand and makes quick desperate swipes at his eyes. Hoping that whoever it is wont be able to tell he is on the verge of tears.
He sees Troy Barrett and Wyatt Hayes make their way around the corner talking animatedly between themselves. Clearly still riding high for their win. But their conversation comes to an abrupt stop when they see Shane standing in the hall by himself still in his uniform.
Shane watches as worry and confusion crosses their faces. They look at each other and seem to be having a silent conversation. He wonders if he’s quiet enough if he can slip away before they look back over to him. Not wanting to feel this humiliation anymore as he knows he must look like a total mess standing there in his socked feet.
He guesses they decided Wyatt should be the one to take point on this as Troy gives him a pointed look and nods in Shane’s direction. Wyatt takes half a step before faltering like he’s not sure if he should approach Shane or not.
So he just smiles at Shane from where he is standing before saying, “Hey Hollander, is everything alright? What are you doing out here man?”
He’s talking to Shane as if he is a spooked horse, which makes Shane feel sick to his stomach. Embarrassed that he seems like someone who needs to be placated or coddled. He takes in a slow breath before answering, not even noticing as his hands start shaking.
“Uh yeah I’m good just um…” He trails off after that not being able to come up with a good excuse as to why he is not in his locker room right now.
He can tell by the way the looks on their face doesn't change that they don’t believe him. Wyatt decides to move past it anyways. “Alright then, do you want us to call Rozanov for you? I’m sure you would rather him be here than us.”
“No!” Shane shuts that down quickly. He doesn’t want to be a distraction to Ilya right now. Just because Shane is watching his career implode right in front of him doesn't mean he should drag Ilya down with him. “I mean uh, don’t bother, it's really okay. You guys should just keep doing what you were doing. No reason to get Ilya involved.”
Shane knows he is rambling now but once he got started talking it’s like his anxiety took over and he just couldn’t stop. The shaking in his hands gets worse as his rambling continues. “You guys have the playoff to get ready for. You don’t need me to be around as a distraction. In fact I really should just be on my way now so-”
“Shane!” Troy cuts Shane off looking slightly overwhelmed by the rapid fire pace that Shane was speaking at. “Look I don’t think either of us feel comfortable leaving you alone like this. Why don’t you come back with us to our locker room?”
Rapidly shaking his head Shane answered, “No, I can’t do that. If anyone sees me going into your guy’s locker room it will just make it so much worse.”
“Make what worse?” Troy's expression hardens as he looks at Shane now almost like he’s trying to solve a puzzle. The silence in the hallway is deafening as they wait for Shane to answer. When it becomes clear that Shane’s not going to say anything Troy tries prompting him again. “What happened? You’re honestly not looking too good right now. This seems like more than just the loss.”
“I, I can’t um,” Every time he tries to say something the words seem to get stuck in his throat. It’s like all of the emotions from earlier are hitting him all at once and it’s slowing down his thoughts.
Wyatt jumps back in when he sees Shane is struggling. “Hey it’s okay you don’t have to tell us anything. We could just walk with you back to your locker room if you want.”
“No, please don’t make me go back there!” Shane feels his breathing speeding up as his panic rises. “I can’t go back in there.”
Wyatt closes the space between them now but stops just before actually touching Shane. “Okay, it’s alright. We definitely aren’t going to make you. Just try and breathe okay?”
Wyatt then starts to take deep exaggerated breaths of his own motioning Shane to do the same. Shane follows along making himself focus on the air entering his lung. Once he is breathing pretty much normal again Wyatt asks him another question. “I know you don’t want us to call Roz but Barrett is right we can’t just leave you like this. Is there someone else we could call like your mom or a specific team mate?”
This question is what finally breaks something in Shane and the tears that he has been fighting back begin to spill over. Why is it that these two people that he barely even knows are able to show him more compassion than his own teammate. They have no obligation to him but they are taking time they should be using to celebrate with their own team to try and help Shane. The tears pick up and start racing down his cheeks. Shane brings a hand up to his mouth trying to quiet the sobs that are escaping his lips.
He vaguely hears Troy say, “Nice going Hazy you made him cry!” Only for Wyatt to quickly respond in a sharp tone.
“That’s not helpful Troy,” He then softens his voice before directing all his attention to Shane. “Hey Hollander, Shane it is okay,” He pauses looking at his hand that he has hovering a few inches above Shane's arm. “Is it okay for me to touch you?”
Shane keeps the one hand placed firmly on top of his mouth but nods his head. The second he does, Wyatt wraps an arm around Shane's shoulder giving him a tight squeeze. He then wraps his other arm around Shane pulling him in for a hug. Just holding him being a solid present not trying to make Shane say anything just letting Shane ride it out crying into his shoulder while offering the occasional words of comfort.
“Oh god,” Shane thinks. This is totally humiliating. Not only did he make a fool of himself on the ice today but now he is having a total breakdown in front of some of Ilya's teammates. They're going to think he is completely unstable and question Ilya about if he really wants to be with someone who can’t even control his own emotions. Shane knows he is spiraling right now but he can’t seem to stop it. He just keeps going from one bad thought either about Ilya or the Metro’s to another.
All of this is only serving to make Shane cry harder. He can vaguely feel Wyatt’s hand pressing down on his shoulders but it’s not enough to ground him. Now that his thoughts are out of control.
Just when Shane thinks things can’t get any worse the three of them hear some voices in the distance heading towards the hallway. They could tell right away based on how the people were talking that they were with the press. If he thought his heart was beating fast before, it is now practically racing out of his chest at the idea of the media getting a picture of him in his uniform with tears and snot stuck to his face.
He feels Wyatt tightening his hold on him before quickly saying. “Shane, let's get you out of here okay? Come on, we won't let them see you like this.”
Shane croaks out an, “Okay,” all the hesitation from earlier being zapped out of him, now that there was a bigger threat approaching. He lets himself be led by them away from the approaching voices back in the direction of the guest locker room. No way out of the rest of the Centaurs to see how much of a mess he is right now. And oh god Ilya is going to be so worried when he sees Shane like this. He knows that while Wyatt and Troy let him get away without explaining what happened there is no way Ilya will be satisfied without an answer.
As they approach the locker room door they can hear the sounds of loud voices the team clearly excited from their victory. Shane feels immediately guilty knowing that he is about to ruin all the fun they are having. He tries to force the tears to stop rubbing his eyes roughly. He was able to stop sobbing but the tears just kept trickling out. When they enter at first no one really notices Wyatt walks him over to the stall with Ilya’s gear in it and eases him down to sit. Troy then hands him the clothes that he was not even sure when he dropped. And a silence falls over the locker room as they realize he is here and they all look concerned about the tears streaming down his cheeks.
He glances around but doesn’t see Ilya. Next to him he hears Troy asking Bood, “Where’s Roz?”
Bood looks down to where Shane is sitting shooting him a look of sympathy. Before looking back to Troy, “He’s doing press right now. But he should be back any minute now.”
No one says anything after that, all of them afraid to be the first one to break the silence. He sees coach Wiebe wave Troy over, most likely to ask him what is going on. Shane just sits there feeling completely drained as the tears finally slow down until they eventually come to a stop. It's like all of his anger and sadness has boiled over now just leaving him completely numb.
He hears a shifting noise coming from next to him. He looks over and sees Wyatt sitting down holding a towel in his hands. “Hey Hollander, you can shower and change if you want. Or you can wait for Ilya to come back. Whatever you want to do.”
The way his sweaty clothes are now sticking to his frame and his faces starting to itch from the dried tear tracks, pretty much makes the decisions for Shane. He thanks Wyatt as he takes the towel from him before quickly stripping out of his uniform and heading over to the showers. Finally scrubbing off the grimy feeling from the game is helping Shane think more clearly. He’s still nervous about telling Ilya what happened but he is nowhere near as panicked as he was before.
As Shane finishes washing up he hears the door to the locker room open followed swiftly by Ilya calling out to his team. “What is the matter with you guys? We won, why do you all have such sad looks on your face?”
He hears some murmuring after that, he’s not sure what is being said but he’s pretty confident someone must be telling Ilya about finding Shane. His suspicions are quickly confirmed when he hears Ilya loudly say, “What? What happened, is he alright?”
Followed by the sound of Ilya moving towards the shower only for him to stop abruptly outside the shower area. Hearing Troy stopping Ilya to talk. “Look we don’t know what happened just that whatever it is has him really upset. It’s probably for the best not to go in there guns blazing right now.”
Ilya makes an offended noise at that, “Oh I’m sorry Barrett, are you trying to tell me you know what is best for my fiancé? More than me?”
“I’m not saying that! I’m just saying he seemed really shaken up. Maybe just give him a minute.”
Shane decides that is enough and he wraps the towel around his waist. To head out there before Ilya chooses to murder his own teammates. “Ilya leave Barrett alone, I’m okay.”
Ilay immediately forgets that he was talking to Troy all together directing all his attention on Shane. He walks over to Shane in two strides and cups his face in his palm, seeming to be inspecting his face. Taking in Shane’s eyes that are red and blood shot from the crying he did earlier. He softly drags his thumb over Shane’s freckles and lowers his voice to ask, “Talk to me moya lyubov, what happened? Are you alright?”
His eyes tear up again at the gentle gesture. Swallowing a large lump in his throat so as to not start crying again. “I’m not hurt.”
“Shane, sweetheart that is good to know but you know that is not what I’m asking. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
That’s all it takes for the words to come tumbling out of his mouth. “They think I tripped on purpose.”
Shane watches as rage crosses over Ilya’s face he pulls away from Shane and starts loudly swearing in Russian drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “What! I will kill them, how could they say such a ridiculous thing!” He goes back to angrily ranting in Russian talking so fast that Shane couldn’t figure out what he was saying if he tried.
Reaching out Shane grabs Ilya’s arm forcing his attention back onto him. “Ilya please calm down it’s-” Shane swallows again before changing what he was saying. “Well no it’s not okay. I can’t even describe how crushed and frankly furious I am. But you going down there to confront them won't help anything.”
Ilya takes a deep breath as he listens to Shane talk before reaching out and gripping Shane’s hand in his. “I’m sorry. You are right. I’m just upset at how they could believe something so foolish. It’s like they don’t even know you at all.”
“That’s very sweet but I need you to stop. I don't want to start crying again. I already cried all over Wyatt, I think I embarrassed myself enough for one night”
Ilya presses a soft kiss to Shane’s hair, “I’m sure he did not mind.”
Pulling away from Ilya Shane turns heads back into the main area of the locker room. “Okay well if we are done now. I should probably get some clothes on. I’m starting to get cold.”
Ilya reaches out and lets his fingers fidget with the chain holding the ring around Shane’s neck. “Are you sure I am enjoying the view?”
“Ilya,” Shane gives him a pointed look as he says this, the warning clear in his voice. Ilya lets go of the chain and backs off immediately.
“Alright, Alright. I am behaving, you go get dressed then.”
As Shane returns to Ilya’s stall he sees that most of the Centaurs are having quiet conversations amongst themself. Not even sparing Shane a glance which he is grateful for it would have been awkward if the room was silent again.
Once he is dressed Shane looks back down at his sock covered feet. “Well shit,” he suddenly remembers why he was standing in the hallway in the first place. He still didn’t have his shoes. Ilya sits next to him when he hears Shane curse.
“What is a matter dorogoy?” The concern in his voice is clear as day.
Shane flushes as he admits, “I don’t have my shoes.”
That wipes the worry off of Ilya’s face and he sends Shane a smile. “Okay we can fix that. I can text Pike tell him to bring your shoes here.” Ilya pauses briefly as he holds his phone, “We still trust Hayden right. He was not one of the idiots right?”
Shane quickly shakes his head. “No it’s okay Hayden tried to defend me. It’s just no one listened to him.”
“Okay good,” Ilya starts quickly texting on his phone. “While Pike is dumb I didn’t think he was that dumb.”
“Ilya be nice,” But Shane can’t hide the slight laugh while he said it.
“What, you think I am wrong? No Pike is dumb when it comes to hockey but at least he is smart when it comes to you.” Ilya puts his phone away as he says this. “Don’t tell him I said that though. Would hate for him to get a big head.”
Shane is laughing even harder now. “Well that was oddly sweet of you. Don’t worry he wouldn’t believe me even if I told him.”
“Good. Now I will be right back.” Ilya runs a hand through Shane’s hair as he walks by him. He heads over to talk to coach Wiebe. They talk for a few minutes until there is a knock on the door. Ilya opens the door and takes the shoes from Hayden. Exchanging a few quick words before he playfully slams the door back shut in Hayden's face.
He lifts the shoes up in the air pretending like he is carrying them on a tray like a waiter. “I come bearing shoes.”
“You are ridiculous but,” He takes them out of Ilya’s hands, “Thank you.”
Ilya looks back down at Shane as he ties his shoe laces. “I talked to Wiebe and he said that as long as the team is okay with it you can fly with us on the team jet back to Ottawa. Would you want to do that? So we could sleep in the same bed tonight before I have to fly out tomorrow.”
Shane just raised his eyebrow. “Why are you asking me before you okay it with the team?”
Ilya smirks at Shane, “Because I don't need to ask, I already know they will say yes.”
“I think you should make sure anyways.”
So Ilya cups his hands around his mouth as calls out to the guys. “Does anyone care if Hollander flies on the jet with us!?”
The response from the rest of the guys is adamant, all of them positive.
“I don’t care.”
“Of course he can, why would it be a problem?”
“Ooo, is Hollander going to party with us?”
Ilya just looks back at Shane with a look of I told you so on his face. “So are you going to say yes?”
Shane thinks for a second that logically he shouldn’t do this. If word got out that he flew with the team it would only add fuel to the fire about the tripping rumor. But to put it plainly Shane didn’t really care anymore he is too angry and exhausted to consider the optics of this right now. All he really wants is to be able to curl up in Ilya’s arms tonight and ignore everything else. This would be the fastest way to get to do that.
“You know what, yeah why not. As long as it is really okay.”
Ilya rubs small circles on Shane’s shoulder with his thumbs. “It’s okay, I would not have asked if it was not.”
Just then Wiebe yelled out into the room. “Speaking of the plane. We need to start heading out now to catch it. So start packing up your stuff guys and let's head out.”
As the rest of the guys move around him collecting their stuff Shane can’t stop the question from nagging him. Before he is able to stop himself he asks them, “You guys know I didn’t fall on purpose right?”
The response is immediate and explosive now that they know what had Shane so up set earlier. Troy has the same murderous look that Ilya had earlier. Looking like he was seriously considering going down to see if anyone was still in the Metros locker room so he could give them a good punch in the face.
Wyatt is quick to reassure Shane, "Of course we don’t think that. Any one who does is dumber than a box of rocks”
Bood has a look of total disbelief on his face. “Jesus Christ, did they really say that?!”
The most surprising reaction comes from Luca who upon hearing this whole face turns red and starts ranting in German as intensely as Ilya was in Russian. Looking just as intense and passionate the guys could only imagine the vitriol that was coming out of sweet little Luca’s mouth.
Once his rant comes to an end Dykstra laughs and claps Luca on the shoulder. “Dang Haasy, didn’t know you had that in you. I don’t know what he said but I one hundred percent agree with it.”
Shane finds himself having to blink back tears again but this time they are tears of joy. He is extremely thankful that Ilya has found such a supportive team. That was willing to extend their kindness to Shane as well whether it’s because of his relationship with Ilya or because they genuinely cared for Shane as well he wasn’t sure yet. But there was no doubt that he was feeling more love in the bit of time he was in the Centaurs locker room than he had felt in the entire time he was with the metros.
As they make their way out to the bus to take them to the airport Ilya leans over and quietly asks Shane. “You okay.”
And Shane isn’t even lying when he says, “I think I will be.”