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Two weeks after his dad gets angry again, Aaron runs away.
He tells Sandra that he’s going out to see some mates and gives the baby a cuddle. Liv smushes his cheeks together and giggles, and his heart hurts a little at the idea of leaving her behind. But she’ll be fine, they always did love her more than him.
Then, when Sandra goes into the kitchen, he raids her purse for whatever cash he can find and uses it to buy a bus ticket to Emmerdale.
Chas is surprised and not all that pleased to see him. He’d been prepared for that, since every visit he’s had with her since reestablishing contact had been nothing short of disastrous, but it still stings. She insists on taking him back to his dad, but the idea of being brought back to that house when his dad’s wrath has only just begun to settle has Aaron so terrified that it stops Chas in her tracks, the horror on his face clear even to her.
He doesn’t tell her, doesn’t even have the vocabulary to describe why he doesn’t want to go back, but he begs her to let him stay and locks himself in the pub bathroom until she agrees.
What follows is weeks of back and forth between his parents, trying to settle on some kind of custody agreement. Chas explains that there hadn’t been a formal one before now, so there’s no law forcing him to go back. That makes Aaron feel a bit more at ease, and while the Dingle house is dirty and there’s practically a revolving door of people coming through at all times, it’s better than the tense silence of his dad and Sandra’s perfectly curated home.
He can’t say he particularly likes the Dingles, but they close ranks around him immediately. When his dad shows up at the house three days after he’s gone, Lisa refuses to let him through the door and Gennie steps in front of Aaron when she notices his resolve wavering, shielding Aaron behind her until his dad eventually gives up.
He doesn’t really get it, but Zak keeps talking about some code and how family sticks together no matter what, and there’s something about that that Aaron could get used to.
It takes some time, but finally, his dad relents. Aaron sits at the top of the stairs and listens to Chas speak to him on the phone, trying to make sense of the tone of her voice and her short phrased responses.
Once she’s hung up, she finds him on the stairs, sitting down next to him and grabbing her ankles with her hands. “Looks like you’re stuck with me, kid.”
“Really?” Aaron looks up at her, suddenly breathing a little lighter.
Chas nods. “Yep. Your dad’s agreed to let you stay here with us. If you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want.”
“It is,” Aaron says quickly, not wanting to leave any room for miscommunication. “I want to stay here with you.”
“Well then.” Chas puts a hand on his shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. “That’s what we’ll do.”
She heads back downstairs, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts. He can’t quite wrap his head around it, the fact that he doesn’t have to go back, that he can stay here with people that don’t know him but took him in anyway because he’s family and you always look out for your family. For the first time in a long time, he feels safe.
He doesn’t want to go to school, but Lisa is adamant that if he wants to stay in her house, he needs to go to school and stay out of trouble and be an all around good boy, so he puts on his uniform and lets Zak drive him to Hotten Comprehensive, sending him off with the reminder to keep his head down and it’ll all be alright.
It’s good advice, and it plays on repeat in his head throughout the whole day, until he’s walking out after his last class of the day and sees a girl being followed around by a boy who’s just begging for a decking.
“I’m not telling you again, Eddie,” the girl spits as he approaches, “leave me alone.”
“Oh, come on, Vic,” the boy smirks, pulling on her shirt. “Stop being such a tease.”
“Oi!” Aaron cuts in, making both heads turn towards him. “Are you deaf or summat? She said leave her alone, so do one.”
The boy, Eddie, scoffs, straightening his back. He’s a good three inches taller than Aaron, but Aaron’s taken on bigger lads than him before, so he doesn’t back down.
“And who are you to tell us what to do?” Eddie sneers. His blond hair is in a buzz cut and the way he lip curls makes Aaron grit his teeth.
“Oh believe me, mate,” he says, his voice as low as it can go, “you’re about to find out.”
Just as Eddie is about to swing for him, the girl gets in between them, pushing Eddie back and kneeing him in the crotch. Eddie collapses, and the girl turns to Aaron, something wild in her big green eyes and a few strands of hair coming loose from her ponytail.
“Well, come on then,” she says matter-of-factly, grabbing Aaron by the arm and pulling him with her as they leg it down the street, finding sanctuary behind the shop two streets down.
The girl leans against the wall, trying to catch her breath while Aaron rests his hands on his knees. “What’d you do that for?” she demands. “I was dealing with him.”
“Right, and you were doing a right good job of it n’all,” Aaron pants. “Why're you so bothered, anyway? I was trying to help ya.”
“Well, I didn’t ask for your help, did I?” the girl says. “I’ve got enough of my brothers trying to fight all my battles for me, I don’t need the new kid to do it too.”
“How’d you know I’m new?”
“Well, first off, I’ve never seen you before, which is a dead giveaway on its own, but my friend is in your class and she told me during lunch, so.”
Aaron stands up straight, finally able to breathe properly. “Ya do a lotta gossiping?”
The girl laughs. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She reaches out her hand towards him. “I’m Victoria, by the way. But everyone calls me Vic.”
Aaron looks between her face and her hand, hesitating a little before taking it. “Aaron.”
That’s all it takes to make him and Victoria inseparable. Aaron’s delighted when he finds out that Vic lives in Emmerdale too - her family runs the big farm just on the outskirts of the village - and there’s something about her that intrigues him; she’s feisty and opinionated and funny, but also soft and kind in a way that draws Aaron in.
They get in trouble for the Eddie thing, and while Chas has a go at him for not even making it through one day before getting into something, Zak pulls him aside and tells him that he did a good thing, standing up for a girl. There’s pride in his eyes and he gently pats Aaron on the shoulder, and Aaron tries to remember the last time someone told him he did a good job. He comes up empty.
After that, Aaron begins settling into the routine of the Dingle house. Falling asleep in a house that creaks and makes noises and where there’s always at least two people talking is a little difficult, but he massively prefers it to the silence that would etch itself to the walls of his dad’s house.
He takes a liking to Belle, her big grin and light hair reminding him of the little toddler he'd left behind. She very quickly becomes somewhat of a replacement sister, eagerly tagging along for whatever mischievous antics Aaron comes up with on a daily basis despite the disapproval of Lisa and Chas. She's the first Dingle he admits to loving.
School is fine. His teachers seem to have it out for him, and Chas doesn’t make it any easier when she never believes his side of the story, but he's suffered through worse than her whiny screams, so it doesn't bother him that much. At least he has Vic, who takes him under her wing and brings him up to speed on the unwritten rules of Hotten Comprehensive, which takes the pressure off a bit.
When he’s known Victoria for three weeks, he’s finally allowed to go visit her at the farm. Chas has been firm on him coming straight home from school every day, so he’s been effectively grounded up until now, and he’s extremely eager to exchange the walls of the Dingle house for literally anything else.
Chas eyes him suspiciously when he suggests the visit, and he knows that she thinks he’s got a crush on Vic, but he doesn’t. Vic’s great, but he doesn’t like her like that.
They take the bus home from school and walk all the way to the farm, laughing and playing around like they’re two normal kids doing normal kid things. Aaron’s never been on a proper farm before, so he takes in the fields and barns and animals and tractors with big eyes, marvelling at how massive and different it all feels.
Vic’s dad and step-mum are nice, even if her dad has a stern look to him that makes Aaron stand a little straighter when he greets him. Jack gives him the same look that Chas did, and Aaron wants to scream that he isn’t Vic’s friend because he fancies her, but because she’s cool and different and just gets him, but getting off on the wrong foot with Vic’s family seems like a stupid thing to do so he settles on not being the first to break eye contact instead.
They’re watching telly in the living room when the door opens and a boy a few years older than Vic bursts through it. He’s got dark hair and a big nose and his thick eyebrows shoot straight up when he sees Vic and Aaron on the sofa.
“Who’s this then?” he asks, giving Vic a pointed look.
“This is Aaron,” Vic replies dryly. “He’s new at school. Aaron, this is my brother Andy, who’s leaving now.”
Andy laughs. “So it’s like that, is it?” He turns around towards the front door. “Oi, Rob, you’ve gotta see this! Vic’s got a date!”
Vic starts mouthing off at Andy, insisting that no, actually, this is not a date, but what she says next and what Andy replies fades out when Aaron sees another figure come through the door.
It’s another boy, about Andy’s age, and Aaron realises that this must be the other brother that Vic keeps talking about. He wonders if Andy and this boy could be twins, except they look nothing alike. While Andy is short with dark, sharp features, this boy is taller, with blond hair and softer edges.
Looking at him, Aaron almost forgets how to breathe. He’s never seen someone quite so striking before, and it makes his tongue feel too big for his mouth.
He’s ripped out of his thoughts when the boy joins in on Andy’s laughter, the melody of it sending a shiver down Aaron’s spine.
“Oh, come on, Vic,” he smirks, ruffling Vic’s hair, which makes her even more angry, “don’t be shy, you can be honest with us.”
Vic glares up at him. “Sod off, Robert.”
“And miss out on the chance of getting to know my future brother-in-law?” Robert sits down on the backrest of the sofa, theatrically leaning across it towards Aaron. “So … Aaron, was it? What are your intentions towards my sister?”
Aaron’s jaw clenches as he stares into Robert’s eyes. They’re green too; paler than Victoria’s, but just as intense - Aaron has to work hard to not fold under the weight of them.
“I’ve not got any intentions. We’re just mates, so get that through your head,” he spits, hoping that his voice is as steady as he wants it to be.
Robert’s eyes narrow just a little, and Aaron tries his best not to squirm. He feels ridiculous and small under Robert’s gaze, as if Robert can see inside his head by just looking at him.
“Fine,” Robert chuckles then, getting off the backrest. “If you say so. But if I ever hear wedding bells, I’ll be reminding you of this conversation.”
Vic throws a pillow at him, and both Andy and Robert clear out, snickering to themselves while they grab some snacks from the kitchen and disappear up the stairs.
“I’m so sorry about them,” Vic sighs. “They’re so annoying.”
Aaron thinks about his own family, how big and yet small it feels in comparison. The closest thing he has to what Victoria has in her older brothers is his cousin Debbie, who's fifteen and too cool to give him the time of day. She doesn't really give a stuff about him, which is fair enough since he's practically a stranger to her, but he realises that it makes him a little jealous to watch the familiarity and protectiveness in how Andy and Robert treat Victoria, when he will never have anything remotely like it.
“They’re alright,” he tells Vic. “Brothers are meant to be annoying, ain’t they?”
What follows is years of Robert taking up, if not all, then a good chunk of Aaron’s waking thoughts. The memories of his cocky grin and pretty eyes and silky voice settle in Aaron’s chest and he carries them around with him everywhere he goes, and they only grow larger the more he tries to ignore them.
And he tries plenty. He realises pretty quickly that whatever it is he feels whenever he looks at Robert Sugden isn’t natural, or at the very least not acceptable. That would make him one of those words that the kids at school like to throw at each other, and he's already weird enough without adding fag on top of it all.
He shouldn’t find excuses to spend more time over at the Sugden farm with the secret intention of seeing Robert, his heart shouldn’t skip a beat whenever Robert walks into the room, he shouldn’t fantasise about what it would be like to hold his hand. There are so many things he shouldn’t do but does anyway, and he hates himself for it.
He expects it to pass, that it’s all some sort of delayed response from getting out from under his dad, but it doesn’t. Instead, the thought of Robert etches itself into his ribcage, the tissue around it growing stronger and stronger every day, and he’s unable to do anything to stop it. It also doesn’t help that Robert also happens to be the most incredible person he’s ever met.
Aaron catches on to the fact that Robert is sharper and cleverer than the whole Sugden family put together pretty quickly. He’s beautiful and witty and can run circles around pretty much anyone by just using his mind, and even though he starts working at the garage instead of continuing with school, he seems destined for something greater than a simple life in the country.
It doesn’t really matter to Aaron that most of the village considers Robert a troublemaker, or that he seems constantly at odds with both Jack and Andy for what sometimes feels like no reason - because he’s also seen him with Vic, how he always treats her well even when he’s teasing, and there’s something about how Robert never seems to get the benefit of the doubt that Aaron deeply relates to, so he’s almost always on Robert’s side, even if he never says it out loud.
There’s something unobtainable about Robert that makes it all feel safer. Because he’s so much older, he’d never look at Aaron the way he wants him to even if he was a girl, and Aaron realises that even when people clock that he seems stuck on Robert - which they do - they chuck it up to him finding an older boy cool or whatever, and that becomes an easy fact to hide behind.
Before he knows it, two years have passed and whatever life Aaron lived before Emmerdale has faded, locked away like a bad dream - he’s even managed to get his surname changed to Dingle, to fully cut his dad out of his life. He’s doing a decent enough job at school, and his mum finally came to her senses and gave Paddy a shot and now they live together at Smithy Cottage like a proper family. Things are good.
His days look practically the same; go to school, spend the afternoons with Vic up at the farm or at Smithy, try to stay out of trouble. It’s a little boring and he aches for more excitement almost all the time, but a tiny country village doesn’t offer much in the way of entertainment, so there’s not much he can do.
It’s Saturday afternoon when he strolls up towards the farm on that year’s first properly warm spring day. Vic’s convinced him to spend the day watching some girly movies he’s never heard of, her big pleading eyes too hard to say no to even though he would rather do literally anything else.
He’s taking the shortcut from the village, across the fields rather than following the main road; it’s a trail he’s walked plenty of times before, so many in fact that he could probably walk it blindfolded. It’s usually a solitary walk, the only person he's ever bumped into is Jack and even that is a rarity - which is why he’s surprised to hear hushed voices coming out of one of the usually empty barns.
Aaron knows he should just let it be and keep walking - it’s probably nothing and he’s already late - but his curiosity still pulls him towards the sound, sneaking up towards the door so he can take a peak through the tiny gap.
It’s Robert, there’s no doubt in Aaron’s mind about that. He’d know his face anywhere, still sees it every night before he falls asleep, but he can’t quite reconcile the image he has of Robert in his mind with the fact that Robert currently has his arms around another boy.
“You sure we’re alright here?” the other boy asks. Aaron can only see the back of his head, so he can’t make out any details of him apart from his dark hair, and he's speaking with a voice Aaron has never heard before.
“Totally sure, don’t worry,” Robert muses, pulling at the boy’s collar to bring him along until his back hits a stack of old boxes. “No one ever comes by here, we’ve got the place to ourselves.”
The boy chuckles, his hands trailing down from Robert’s waist to his hips. “Then I guess this is my lucky day.” He leans in, and Aaron almost gives himself away when the boy's lips meet Robert’s.
This is the part where Aaron runs away. He knows that he should, that he’s intruding on something so intimate and so personal that Robert would probably kill him if he saw him now. But he can’t look away, too mesmerised by what he’s looking at.
Never in a million years would he have guessed that Robert might be into boys. It doesn’t quite make sense, since Aaron’s seen him chase Katie Addyman and various other girls around for the better part of two years, but he also can’t deny what’s right in front of him.
Robert, kissing a boy, and by the looks of it, really enjoying himself.
Aaron stays frozen in place, completely unable to move at all until Robert pulls away, resting his forehead against the other boy’s.
“You okay?” the boy asks, genuine concern in his voice.
“Yeah,” Robert responds quickly. “Just … a little overwhelmed, I guess.”
The boy chuckles, brushing his nose against Robert’s. “Me too.”
Suddenly, Aaron feels a little nauseous. It had been bad enough that he’d seen the two kiss, but now as they keep talking, so clearly wrapped up in each other and the security of being all on their own, he feels like a massive creep standing just outside the door like this.
As carefully as he can, he puts some distance between himself and the barn before legging it the rest of the way to the farm, earning a very confused look from Vic when he walks into the house out of breath.
The memory of Robert and the boy follows Aaron around for the next couple of weeks. It refuses to leave him alone, appearing every time he closes his eyes; he can’t shake how happy Robert had looked, the wonder in his eyes as he pulled the boy close, not a hint of shame anywhere on him. He’d acted like kissing a boy was the most natural thing in the world, not something to be pushed aside and corrected.
It lights a flame inside Aaron, and fills him with an almost overwhelming sense of longing. Not for Robert, per se - that pining has turned into a bruise that only hurts if Aaron presses down on it - but for what Robert had been allowed to do.
Aaron wants to kiss a boy too, and for the first time, he doesn’t feel the urge to walk into traffic when he admits it to himself. It’s not enough to make him dare voice or act on that want, but he feels a little less alone with it now.
He tries to study Robert, to see if he can notice any outward changes in him, but Robert is his usual self: smug and confident and, by all accounts, completely heterosexual. It’s like the barn is a figment of Aaron’s imagination, real only to him and no one else.
Things move along as they always do, the world keeps turning as normal despite Aaron feeling like his has been thrown off its axis.
It takes a year for the rest of the world to catch up.
Aaron’s at home at Smithy, mindlessly playing the video game Paddy got him for Christmas, when the door opens and Vic comes flying through it. She’s sobbing loudly, face red and contorted with tears, which quickly gets Aaron on his feet.
“Hey,” he says, wrapping his arms around Vic. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Vic cries into his shirt, sobbing so violently that she’s shaking. “It’s Robert,” she finally manages to croak. "He’s gone.”
Aaron grows cold. “What do you mean gone?”
“He’s run away.” Vic tries to regain some amount of control over herself. “We all went to bed last night but this morning … Dad found a note from him, saying that he’s had enough of us and can’t stay in the village anymore. He didn’t even say goodbye.” She starts sobbing again, and Aaron has to gently guide her to the sofa so he can sit down and hold her.
He tries to make sense of it, how Robert can just be gone from one day to the next. Something must have happened, a final blow up with Jack or Andy or maybe both, because why else would he do something this dramatic? Of course, Robert’s never been one to do things by halves, but Aaron can’t shake the feeling that something must have triggered Robert’s sudden departure.
They don’t hear from Robert for several months, and when they finally get a sign of life, it’s just a postcard with Manchester landmarks on it and Robert’s signature on the back. Nothing more - no return address or hint that he might want to come home some day.
Robert doesn’t come home when Jack drops dead from a heart attack, nor when Andy has his breakdown and almost loses the farm because of it. Aaron isn’t sure if Robert is even made aware of it, since they have no means of contacting him, but he can’t say for sure that Robert would’ve come back even if he did know; the Sugdens are known for their grudges, and Robert is as stubborn as the best of them, so whatever had happened, he won’t be the one to budge.
With time, Robert fades until all that remains are the pieces that still live inside Aaron. Aaron still thinks about him, wonders where he is and what he’s doing, but the times in between when he does grow longer and longer until Robert starts to feel made up, like he’d never existed at all.
When Aaron is seventeen, he and Vic sneak into a bar in Hotten and inside, Aaron meets a boy with curly hair and bright eyes that turns his whole world upside down.
Jackson reignites the longing inside Aaron and suddenly he just wants and wants and wants, more than he’s ever wanted before. He remembers Robert’s face in the barn, and thinks that he’d like to look at Jackson like that.
Coming out is hard, but worth it. He tells Vic first, and she comes with him when he tells his mum and Paddy. The world feels like it’s about to collapse for a minute, but it doesn’t; Paddy hugs him tightly and his mum kisses him on the head, and when he introduces them to Jackson, something finally clicks into place and Aaron’s life feels a bit more complete.
Jackson is Aaron’s first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first shag - at every milestone, Jackson is there, holding Aaron’s hand to help him climb another step. He's kind and his dry sense of humour is easy for Aaron to bounce off of.
They date for just over a year. It’s a lot longer than it probably should’ve lasted in hindsight. They’ve grown apart, Jackson says, but Aaron reckons that they were probably too different to begin with, the chasm between them too great to ever fully close.
That doesn't make it hurt any less though. It's like Aaron's heart is tearing itself apart, and there's nothing he can do to soothe the pain. He cries and he cries and then he cries some more, surprised that one single person can produce this many tears.
Through it all, Vic is there. She’s the rock he leans on when the wind is about to knock him over, the arms where he feels the most safe. It's thanks to her that Aaron finally sees the end of the tunnel and slowly starts getting back up on his feet, no longer completely weighed down by heartbreak.
It isn't just Vic either. He feels at home with the rest of the Sugdens too, so when his mum’s relationship with Paddy breaks down and she buys into the pub, it feels correct to move in there and live with Vic and Diane, the four of them forming their own little unit.
It’s also why he’s so quick to offer help to Andy a couple of months later, in the spring after he’s just turned nineteen. Andy’s back with Katie again and she’s a couple of months shy of giving birth to their first child, but has gotten some kind of complication that’s put her on bed rest. Andy’s already struggling with keeping the farm afloat as is, so Aaron offers to help him when needed, which makes both Andy and Vic happy.
Farm work isn’t what Aaron grew up dreaming about, nor is it something he can say he particularly enjoys. He doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty, but he prefers the dirt and grease that comes from working with Cain at the garage to the smells and textures he comes into contact with at the farm.
Still, he wants to be helpful, so he heads up to the farm on a Saturday in early April, dragging his feet a little. He frowns when he spots a car he’s never seen before parked in front of the house, but figures that Andy might have had to change out his old one.
“Hey,” he says as he walks into the kitchen, “what’s with the new-”
His heart stops.
Sitting by the kitchen table, dressed in overalls and nursing a tea cup, is Robert. Aaron’s voice fails him, his words melting into nothing, and he feels like he’s about to collapse - it’s only by some miracle that he manages to remain standing.
“Aaron!” Robert grins. “Andy said you’d be coming ‘round to help. Good to see ya.”
He looks good. He’s lost most of the baby fat around his cheeks and he looks more like a man now than the boy he’d been when he left four years ago, but he’s still fundamentally the same; the same cocky curl to his lips, the same look in his eye that dares you to challenge him.
It’s Robert, and Aaron almost forgets how to breathe.
“Hi,” he manages, a second too late. “Wh- what’re you doing here?”
“Nobody’s filled you in?” Robert chuckles. “Andy called me, said he needed my help on the farm now with Katie being ill n’all. And, good brother that I am, I came to his rescue.”
So Andy has Robert's number then. Aaron wonders how long he's had it, if he's called him before, why Robert hasn't come back before now if that's the case. A million different questions run through his head in the span of a second, none of the answers to which he's entitled to.
He clears his throat, settling on the one question he actually can ask. “Does Vic know you’re here?”
“Not yet, thought I’d surprise her. So I’d like you to keep your mouth shut about it, or are you one of those boyfriends that don’t keep secrets?”
At that, Aaron has to laugh. “Don’t worry mate, I won’t say owt, seeing as I’m not Vic’s boyfriend.”
“No?” Robert raises his eyebrows. “Why not? My sister not your type, or what?”
“Since she’s not a bloke, you could say that.”
There’s no time for Robert to respond, since Andy comes into the kitchen to go through the work that needs doing, but Aaron notices how his eyes widen just for a second before he schools his face back into its relaxed expression. Whatever he’d expected to hear, Aaron being gay hadn’t been it.
Robert’s return causes a bit of a stir in the village, which is to be expected. He wasn’t liked by everyone, and the way he’d left the village was so dramatic that most people had assumed they would never see him again, so to some, seeing Robert walk down Main Street must be like seeing a ghost.
Aaron’s not sure how to feel. On the one hand, Vic is ecstatic to have her brother back and she deserves every possible happiness - but on the other, all the thoughts and feelings that Aaron thought had been buried for good rise to the surface again, throwing him right back into his fourteen-year-old self with full force.
His heart acts as if no time has passed at all, jumping up into his throat whenever Robert comes too close and skipping a beat when Robert’s fingers brush against his hand when he hands Aaron a cuppa.
But time has passed, so things are a little different.
For one, Robert actually talks to him.
Before, Robert would mostly ignore Aaron, only humour the odd conversation here and there since Aaron was nothing more than Vic’s friend; now, his eyes fix on Aaron as soon as Aaron walks into the room, his gaze heavy as he looks at Aaron during conversation.
Another strange thing is that they actually get on quite well.
Aaron has always found Robert interesting and funny and smart, so that part isn’t new. What is new is that Robert seems to find him interesting in return; he laughs at Aaron’s jokes, drags him down to the pub for pints and seems genuinely interested in what Aaron has to say. Some of the things he says and does could even be mistaken for flirting, but Aaron isn’t delusional enough to believe that Robert would actually flirt with him, so tries to get the thought out of his head.
Robert has changed during his years away, that much is obvious. While so much of him is the same, he carries himself differently now, with an edge that wasn’t there before. Aaron supposes that’s natural, since for all they knew, Robert had left the village with nothing, and starting a life basically from scratch would change anyone. Or maybe it’s because he’s allowing Aaron to actually know him now, the truth of him overtaking the ideal Aaron’s had in his head for years.
Three weeks after his return, Robert turns twenty-three. He tries not to make a fuss about it, but Vic insists on at least making him a nice meal, and invites Chas and Aaron to join them in the back room. Aaron has never felt more relieved when his mum insists that she has to work.
The dinner is nice. Vic goes all out with three courses and as the Sugdens all bicker and laugh, Aaron keeps glancing over at Robert, who’s sitting across the table from him. More than once, their eyes meet and Aaron tries to tell himself to stop looking, only for his eyes to wander back to Robert again.
Andy and Katie retire early since Katie’s not supposed to be up on her feet for very long, Diane is taking over from Chas and Vic is getting up early for work the next morning, which leaves just Robert and Aaron. Robert begs Aaron to grab a pint with him, which Aaron playfully resists until Robert gets down on his knees in front of him to beg even more, which short circuits Aaron's brain.
“Come on, let’s go for a walk,” Robert says when they’re three pints in, getting up on his feet before Aaron can so much as blink.
“Right now?” Aaron asks, confused. “Why?”
Robert shrugs. “Because I want to. Come on, Aaron, it’s my birthday and you can’t say no to me on my birthday.”
Aaron sighs, slowly getting up too. “Fine. But if we freeze to death, I’m gonna kill you.” Robert just laughs at that and heads for the door, not waiting for Aaron to follow.
They walk in silence, Robert taking the lead and walking them out into one of the fields surrounding the village.
“Where are we going exactly?” Aaron demands, hiding his hands in his pockets to keep them from freezing.
“I dunno,” Robert says cheerfully. “Anywhere. It’s one of those things you miss about the country once you’re in the city, y’know, all this open space. There’s no space in the city, so I’m trying to enjoy this while it lasts.”
Aaron frowns. “What d’you mean?”
“Well, it’s not forever, is it?” Robert replies, turning to face Aaron, his face solemn. “I’m only here until the baby’s born, then I’m going back to Manchester.”
“For good?” Aaron can’t stop himself from asking.
Robert shrugs. “I dunno. It’s nice being back here, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t fit in here anymore. I don’t think I ever did.”
“I get what you mean,” Aaron says, surprised at how easy it is to open himself up to Robert - he tells himself it's the beers. “I used to think I didn’t fit in here either. I didn’t like most of my family when I first came here and I always felt out of place, y’know? Still feel like that sometimes.”
“Because you’re gay?”
The question catches Aaron off guard. “Um … yeah. I mean, not just that - being gay didn’t make it easier, but I’ve also always felt … I dunno, different, even without the gay thing. Like I never really belonged anywhere.”
Robert steps closer to him. “Sounds lonely.”
“I suppose it is.” Aaron is suddenly acutely aware that Robert is only inches away, so close that he can make out the freckles that have started to appear on his face despite the dark.
He dares lift his eyes, his breath hitching slightly when he meets Robert’s. Robert's eyes are intense, quizzing and curious, like Aaron is a rubric's cube that Robert is trying to solve. He isn’t actually that much taller than Aaron, but it still feels like Robert is towering over him, making Aaron feel small and bare under his gaze.
Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, Robert kisses him.
Aaron stands frozen in place for a moment, unable to fully comprehend what’s happening. The thing he spent so much time dreaming about, the fantasy he spent years trying to suppress, is suddenly coming true; Robert Sugden, real and in the flesh, is kissing him, Aaron Dingle, on purpose, and it’s better than any dream could ever be.
Just as Aaron starts to properly kiss back, Robert pulls away. “I’m sorry,” he says, panicked. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
Something heavy and uncomfortable drops in Aaron’s stomach. “Why not?”
“Because…” Robert murmurs, running his hands through his hair. “Because!”
“Because you don’t actually like kissing blokes?”
“Yes!” Robert exclaims, his face instantly contorting with regret. “I mean, no. Ugh, it’s complicated!”
“I can tell.” Aaron crosses his arms. “I didn’t mind, for the record.”
Robert frowns, the panic easing somewhat. “What?”
“I didn’t mind. That you kissed me. And I’m not gonna tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Really?” Robert’s shoulders relax, and he looks so relieved that Aaron feels a little nauseous. Did he think Aaron was going to out him?
“Really,” he says, gathering as much courage as he can before reaching out to place a hand on Robert’s arm. “I also … wouldn’t mind doing it again.”
That’s all the encouragement Robert seems to need, since he practically throws himself over Aaron, taking his face in his hands while kissing him hungrily, his tongue warm in Aaron’s mouth. He tastes like beer and smells like farm, a smell Aaron suddenly loves more than anything.
Thus begins the sneaking around. Robert doesn’t seem eager to come out, and Aaron’s not about to rush him, still too shocked by the fact that Robert wants him at all to care about anything else. He allows himself to revel in it, no longer feeling shame when his eyes linger on Robert and fully gives himself over to the whirlwind of emotions that swirl up in his chest whenever Robert kisses him.
It’s stupid and careless, since whatever they’re doing has a deadline and Aaron is only setting himself up for heartbreak, but he can’t find it in him to care.
A week later, when Andy and Katie are at the doctors all day, Robert invites Aaron over and fucks him so hard into the guest room mattress that Aaron sees stars. It’s all Robert, his hands and teeth and tongue picking Aaron apart with ease, his presence engulfing Aaron so completely that he can’t tell where he ends and Robert begins.
It’s surprisingly easy to go behind everyone’s backs; the only eyebrows that are raised come from Aaron’s mum, who’s more concerned about Robert being a bad influence than anything else, and Vic, who playfully quips about how jealous she is that Aaron has switched her out for her brother. But on the whole, people see what Aaron and Robert want them to see: two young men striking up a platonic, not at all romantic, friendship.
Secrets have never been something that Aaron’s been very good at, or found very enjoyable - until now. For the first time, keeping a secret doesn’t feel like a heavy weight being put on his shoulders, threatening to disrupt his whole life if exposed. Instead, it feels exciting to be in on something nobody else knows about, to catch Robert’s eye across the room and know that only he is in on the joke while it goes under the radar for everyone else. Every touch, glance and innuendo form a sort of secret language that only Robert and Aaron speak, and Aaron could go his whole life without translating it to anyone else.
It’s all fun and games until they almost get caught for the first time.
They’re up at the farm - because where else would they be? - Aaron with his hand inside Robert’s overalls while bending him backwards over a stack of hay. Robert is grasping tightly at the hairs at the back of Aaron’s head while his own is tilted back, exposing his neck so Aaron can bite and suck on the skin. Robert is sweaty and delirious and keeps muttering Aaron’s name and Aaron’s about to come untouched.
“Robert!”
Katie’s voice is heard from outside, and they only just manage to compose themselves before the door opens and Katie waddles inside, heavily pregnant and clearly agitated.
“What’re you doing in here?” she asks suspiciously, and Aaron hopes that she doesn’t take notice of just how dishevelled they both still look.
“Working,” Robert replies flatly, seemingly unbothered despite the hard-on he’s hiding by standing behind the stack he’d been bent over a second ago. “What’s it to you? Shouldn’t you be resting?”
Katie rolls her eyes. “I’m allowed to get up and walk, it’s actually encouraged. Anyway, I only came out here because I need your help to get some stuff down from the loft. I’d get it myself, but I’m not supposed to carry anything heavy and I don’t think I’d even get up the ladder.”
Robert chuckles dryly. “Anything for my favourite sister-in-law. Go back inside and put your feet up, I’ll be in in a minute.”
Katie leaves, and Aaron watches as Robert’s expression hardens. “That was close,” he says, hoping it will get Robert to look at him, but Robert just huffs and walks around inside the barn, moving things purposelessly for a minute before going inside, all while promptly acting like Aaron doesn’t exist.
Aaron doesn’t hear from Robert for several days after that. He sends a text, then another one before feeling like an idiot and instead contemplates deleting Robert’s number. Maybe that would make him feel better and less like he’s coming apart at the seams, alone and with no one to pick up the pieces.
He tries not to think about it, act normal despite it all. But he’s not sure how successful he is, since he can feel his mum’s worrying looks even with his back turned. She doesn’t ask, knows him well enough to know that she won’t get anything of substance out of him until he brings it up himself, but having her look at him like he’s about to break at any second doesn't exactly help his current predicament.
It’s been five days when Robert finally finds him alone in the back room, Aaron making himself a cuppa and some toast as an afternoon snack when Robert walks in.
“Hi,” he says, looking around the room uncomfortably while Aaron takes a seat at the table.
“Hi.” Aaron bites off a piece of his toast, trying to act casual. “Vic’s in the kitchen if you’re looking for her.”
“I know.” Robert looks out the door towards the pub, hesitating a second before closing it. “I’m here to see you.”
Aaron huffs, holding his arms out. “Well, you’ve found me.”
“Aaron,” Robert sighs. “Come on, don’t be like that. I’m sorry, alright?”
“Sorry about what, exactly?” Aaron leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “Dumping me without a word? Acting like I don’t exist? Be specific.”
“All of it.” Robert slowly takes a couple of steps towards him. “I freaked out. I thought Katie might’ve caught on and I just … needed to make sure she hadn’t.”
“So the radio silence is fine then?” Aaron asks, trying to ignore how his heart is trying to make its way up his throat. “I'm not a toy, Robert, you can't just drop me and then pick me up again whenever you feel like it.”
“I know, and I'm really sorry.” Robert grabs the chair next to Aaron and sits down. “Come on, I didn’t mean to hurt ya. Please, Aaron.”
It’s not a proper apology, or at least Aaron would’ve liked it if Robert had grovelled more, but his heart takes charge of his body and leans it forward, closer to Robert. “Fine. But this is your only chance, alright? Do it again and we’re done.” It’s an empty threat, he knows it, but saying it makes him feel a little less like a doormat.
“Deal.” Robert’s face lights up and Aaron’s heart does a somersault in his chest. Robert looks over his shoulder and then back at Aaron, something wicked in his eyes now. “How about I make it up to ya? Upstairs?”
If Aaron hadn’t been convinced before, that offer seals it.
They get back to it, and Aaron can tell that Robert’s trying; he’s more attentive, pulls Aaron back to bed to keep him longer, he even notices when Aaron is having a bad day and holds him while Aaron silently cries into his shirt. He doesn’t ask why he’s sad, and Aaron doesn’t feel like sharing that it’s his and his ex’s anniversary with the guy he’s currently seeing. Or whatever it is they’re doing.
The next time they almost get caught, Robert doesn’t freak out as much. It still rattles him, but he doesn’t push Aaron away as forcefully, even if he is more irritable over the next couple of days. He’s trying, and Aaron would love him for it if it didn’t mean setting himself up for further heartbreak.
Time moves too fast, and suddenly it’s mid-June and Katie’s only weeks away from giving birth. The clock is ticking, getting ever closer to zero, and Robert and Aaron aren’t talking about it. Aaron doesn’t want to, since it means acknowledging that he has to let go of Robert, but knows he has to. They have to, no matter how much Aaron would like to keep pretending it isn’t happening.
He finally breaks when Robert takes him to the barn at the edge of the farm, reluctantly pushing away when Robert goes in for a kiss. “I think we need to talk.”
“Why?” Robert slips his hands inside Aaron's shirt to squeeze the skin of his waist, hot and bothered and eager. “I can think of several better ways to spend an afternoon.”
“Robert,” Aaron's voice is more stern this time, and he shoves Robert back a little more forcefully. “I mean it. You’re leaving soon and we can’t keep ignoring it.”
Robert huffs, both hands coming up to scratch at the back of his neck. “Fine. Fine, go on then. Say what you have to say.”
“Oh come on, don’t start. You knew this was coming the whole time, so you don’t get to act like that. You came after me, Robert, and I know this is probably just some fling to you or whatever, but it’s not to me. It’s more than that.” He’s being too honest, baring too much of his heart, and Aaron instantly wishes he could take it all back when Robert’s face does something he can’t quite decipher.
Robert shakes his head. “It’s not,” he says weakly, barely loud enough for Aaron to hear it. “It’s not just a fling to me. Maybe it was at first, but not anymore.” He groans, starting to pace slightly back and forth. “I don’t- this wasn’t meant to happen. You weren’t supposed to be so … you.”
Aaron frowns. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Irresistable?” Robert replies, exasperated. “Impossible not to fall for?” He seems to realise what he’s said as soon as the words leave his lips, because his eyes widen and his mouth falls open. “I mean…”
Aaron just stares at him, dumbfounded. Somehow, even after almost two months of being showered in Robert’s affection, he hadn’t actually believed that Robert viewed him as worth falling for, so hearing those words from Robert now leaves him at a genuine loss for words.
“Aaron,” Robert keens, suddenly scared. “Please say something.”
Aaron swallows, trying to get back control over his facial muscles to form any words at all. “I…” is all that comes out. And then. “I love you, I think.”
Robert blinks. “You what?”
Aaron feels like he’s floating, not quite attached to his own body anymore. “I love you, Robert,” he says again, with more certainty this time. “I’ve been in love with you for years. Since the first time I saw you, really.”
Then, Robert is kissing him. He’s kissing him like he’s a dying man gasping for air, one arm wrapping around Aaron’s shoulders while the other pulls him close by the waist. It’s hungry and erratic and new, unlike any other time Robert has kissed him before.
“I love you too,” Robert murmurs in between kisses. “I love you so much.”
If Robert wasn’t holding him, Aaron would fully collapse. It’s too good to be true, that the same Robert that Aaron has loved for as long as he can remember, the Robert he pined after for years and years, actually loves him too. It shouldn’t be possible, yet it is, unless Aaron has somehow ended up in a coma and this is how his brain is coping as it slowly shuts down.
When Robert finally releases his hold on him, just enough so they can look at each other, Aaron once again takes a second to revel at the sight of him; his eyes, pale green and beautiful, the curve of his smile, the tanned look to his skin. He’s the most beautiful thing Aaron has ever seen, and he’s all Aaron’s. At least for now.
Robert scrunches up his nose and there’s a teasing pull to his lips. “Years huh?”
“Shut up,” Aaron grins. “I can’t believe you never noticed.”
“I noticed that you were, like, obsessed with me, but I just thought you were clingy.”
“You did not!”
“I did! Vic’s annoying, clingy friend. Who’d’ve known we’d end up here, eh?”
That phrase centers Aaron back in his own body, reminds him why they’re here. “So,” he says, anxiously biting his lip. “What now?”
Robert sighs. “I don’t know. I have to go back, you know that.”
“Do you though? Have to go back?”
“Well, yeah. You could come with me, if you’d like.”
Aaron frowns. “And leave my family? I can’t do that.”
“Why not? I did.”
“And yet you're still back here, Robert. Why?”
“What do you mean why? Andy asked me to - he practically begged me to come, and I couldn’t say no.”
“But you didn’t come when he had his breakdown. And you didn’t come when your dad died.”
Robert’s expression hardens, his arms around Aaron growing stiff. “Why are you bringing all this up?”
“Because I’m trying to understand.” Aaron tries to read Robert’s expression, peek past the mask he’s putting on. “We barely got a word from you for years, but suddenly you decide to come back. Why?”
“It’s complicated.” Robert’s arms fall to his sides, their absence around Aaron making him feel cold despite the summer heat.
Aaron sighs. “So you've said. But you can talk to me, y'know? Please, Robert, don't shut me out.”
Robert looks at him, eyes calculating and intense. Then he groans again and walks away from Aaron, taking a seat on top of some old boxes and rubbing his face in his hands. Aaron slowly follows, getting down on his knees in between his legs; the rough ground digs into his knees, but he doesn’t care, since it allows him to look Robert in the eyes again.
“Talk to me.”
Robert shakes his head lightly. “I don’t know how.”
“Sure you do. You’ve always got a way with words, so I know you can do this.”
Slowly, Aaron manages to drag the whole story out of him; how Robert had been wanting to leave for months but that the final push didn’t come until his sexuality became the latest nail in Jack’s battering ram; how he’d tried to carve out a life for himself in Manchester, being more open with who he was; how he’d refused to go to Jack’s funeral and only regretted it when it was too late; how old grudges kept him from coming back when Andy had his breakdown.
“So when he called again,” Robert sniffles, a tear slowly falling down his cheek, “I couldn’t say no. I knew how much it took for him to reach out, and I thought that if I said no this time, I’d lose them all for good. And I don’t actually want that, and it’s been nice to be back, way nicer than I thought.”
Aaron smiles softly, bringing one of Robert’s hands to his lips to kiss it. “Then why do you have to leave? You could stay, move back.”
Robert chuckles sadly. “What, and keep sneaking around with you forever? That’s not sustainable. And I don’t really belong here anyway, not really.”
“But you could. You could move back here and tell your family about who you are. They’d support ya - just because your dad was a prick about it doesn’t mean the rest of them will be. They support me, don’t they?”
“Yeah, but you’re not me.”
“I know. But give them a chance, Robert, they might surprise ya. And if they don’t, fuck the lot of ‘em. You’ll still have me.”
Robert frowns. “I don’t know, Aaron.”
Aaron chews on his lip, trying to figure out a different tactic. “Did you know that you basically started my coming out journey?”
Robert chuckles sadly. “I mean, since you had a crush on me, I figured.”
Aaron shakes his head. “No, not like that. I liked you, sure, but I was so ashamed of it that I didn’t want anyone else to know. I thought it was unnatural, that I’d been … made wrong, somehow. I was gonna take being gay to the grave. But then I saw you. With that boy, in the barn. This barn actually, come to think of it.”
Robert looks like he’s been slapped across the face. “What?”
Aaron blushes, his face hot from the flush. “I- I was coming over the field to your house, I always took that route, and I heard ya. I never said anything to anyone, but seeing you together … I dunno, it made me feel normal for the first time. You looked so happy, and I wanted to feel like that too. You helped me start to accept myself, Robert, so please, let me do the same for you. Trust me, being fully open with who you are is miles better than hiding.”
Robert takes his face in his hands and kisses him. “You watched me, you little creep?”
Aaron blushes harder. “Just for like … a minute.”
“Didn’t know you were into that,” Robert smirks, his thumb softly running along Aaron’s cheekbone as his expression softens. “Was I really that important to you?”
Aaron nods. “Yeah. I don’t know if I’d be out now if that hadn’t happened.”
He thinks about Jackson. He probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do anything with him if hadn't seen what he saw, he wouldn't have gotten to experience any of those firsts that Jackson gave him. First kiss, first boyfriend first shag.
Not first love though. Aaron's first love is right here in front of him, silent and more serious than Aaron has ever seen him.
Robert doesn't say anything for almost a minute, Aaron can see the cogs turning inside his head as he contemplates. The silence is thick and Aaron’s knees are starting to go numb, but he doesn’t want to rush Robert - not with a decision as important as this one.
Finally, Robert speaks. “Will you come with me? When I tell them.”
Aaron can’t stop the grin from spreading, it feels like it reaches his ears. “Of course.”
Robert kisses him again, his lips so full of love that Aaron no longer cares that he can barely feel his legs or that his trousers definitely have dirty spots on them. All he cares about is Robert, and how much he loves him.
They're going to make it through this, Aaron's going to make sure of it. Robert's going to tell his family and Aaron is going to be there, right behind him, daring them to say a single bad word about him. They're going to build a future together, be everything to each other. Maybe Aaron will even tell Robert about his dad someday.
It feels right, and Aaron can’t imagine ever wanting anything else.