Work Text:
Apprehension was the best way to describe the emotion Yuta felt as he stared at the slightly aged and crumpled piece of paper in his hand. There were things in his past that he vehemently wished would stay there and the letter felt like a pile of rocks in his hand, heavy with the weight of its contents rather than its material mass. He'd thought about reading it many times over the past 17 years but never made it past the faded smiley face sticker that formed a weak seal and taunted him until his hands shook and he was forced to replace the item in its hiding place.
How easy it would have been to retreat now, say he wasn't ready and stow the offending piece of stationary in a dark corner where he didn't have to acknowledge it's existence. Yuta knew he couldn't do that thought because he wasn't alone this time, his other hand held securely between both of Jaehyuns. The younger man watched him, eyes full of silent encouragement and affection which was likely a response to whatever repressed fear and apprehension he saw reflected in Yuta's own eyes. It had been Jaehyun's idea to finally read the letter. They'd gotten engaged the month prior and they both decided that he'd be happier when he finally removed that last memory of the darkest period of his life so that he could move on with the next chapter of it.
In his hands, Yuta held a letter that he'd written to himself when he was just seven years old, a letter that he was terrified to read because he wasn't sure that he was ready to relive those days even after all the time had passed. For Yuta, his childhood was something that he'd rather forget but it was time to face those memories and replace them with better ones.
Yuta wanted to live again and this was the first step in what was sure to be a lifelong journey but he wouldn't be travelling it alone.
"You don't have to..." Jaehyun muttered soothingly, drawing circles in calming motions on the back on Yuta's hand.
Thumb already pushed under the seal, it look little effort for Yuta to remove the faded sticker but instead of discarding it carelessly like he'd initially wanted to, Yuta took the time to carefully press it onto the off-white wall next a photograph of himself and Jaehyun from Jaehyun's senior prom. The smiley face didn't look out of place and Yuta momentarily wanted to mirror the expression before his attention was drawn back to folded piece of paper that weighed so much in his hand.
He unfolded it with care, unwilling to damage the thin sheet for all that he wanted to rip it to shreds. The history contained there was horrible but it was still his and it happened so he wanted to protect it.
"Dear Yuta," Already his voice shook as he spoke the first line aloud and Jaehyun's hand was like an anchor to the here and now as his own shook.
"Dear Yuta..." He started again after a deep breath, fist clenching around the paper in an attempt to quell the overwhelming urge to crumple the sheet and never look at it again. "How old are you now? Did you grow up well?" The words were difficult to define, the ink smudged in some places and the childish scrawl of hanja not entirely correct but obviously a lot of effort had gone into writing it and flashes of smaller hands grasping tightly to a silver pen with a bobble on top flashed through Yuta's mind in rapid succession. "You did it..." The words came out choked and Yuta forced himself to look away from the letter for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing heavily through his nose in a concentrated effort to stay seperated from the memories that threatened to overwhelm every one of his senses.
"It probably feels silly reading this now, right?" A strained chuckle slipped from his lips upon reading the sentence because it did feel strange to be reading a letter that he'd written to himself with no intention of ever reading it in all technicality. The chuckles turned to a broken sob as he read the next line aloud, "Even if feels silly... it means so much because if you're reading this it means that you made it. I-I'm so, so proud of you..." Yuta squeezed hi eyes shut once again, trying to stem the tears that slipped relentlessly passed his weak display of strength.
"I'm proud of you," Jaehyun echoed the words in the letter, pulling the smaller boy closer and wrapping him protectively in his arms as if he could safeguard him from the world there and maybe he wished that he could. They didn't speak, Yuta revelling in the feeling of safety that Jaehyun's embrace provided, soaking up the warmth that was a constant reminder that he wasn't alone anymore and that he didn't have to face his demons alone if things became too much. Bringing the letter up again but making no move to remove himself from Jaehyun's embrace, he continued to read. "You found your light at the end of the tunnel, you're not stuck in the dark place anymore..." His voice cracked as he read the words and he brought his other hand up to trace the next words with shaking fingers. "You, Nakamoto Yuta, are a s-survivor."
It was surreal to read those words, written by his own hand a lifetime ago and wonder were he'd found the strength to write them in the first place while he struggled to get through each day wondering what he'd done that was so wrong that he deserved this punishment.
"It's true," Jaehyun murmered, running a hand through Yuta's hair in soothing movements and ensuring that he believed the words that he'd waited so long to read. Jaehyun knew the story of Yuta's childhood, the way in which he struggled to place his trust in others because the people he'd wanted to trust the most had betrayed him so badly that the scars would likley never fade. If he could, Jaehyun would give everything he had to ensure that Yuta lived the rest of his life knowing how much he deserved to be loved and never went a day where he experienced the same hurt he'd been forced to experience as a mere child.
Realising that Yuta was unable to read more, Jaehyun took the letter from his hand, waiting patiently for the older boy to loosen his grip and yield the sheet to him before reading the next part. "I hope, more than I ever hoped for anything that you finally realised that it wasn't your fault. I hope that you stopped blaming yourself."
Reading the words that Yuta himself had written was different from being told the basics of a story that he'd never had to experience. It made Jaehyun's blood boil that any innocent child would be made to feel as though they were at fault for not recieving the love a parents should give to their child without a second thought.
The next words were a sincere plea from Jaehyun himself as well as a recitation of what seven year old Yuta wanted to say. "Please, please, please be happy because happiness is both the hardest and most important thing to achieve in life." Yuta shook his head in response to the words, turning to face Jaehyun but the look in his eyes gave way to the fact that he wasn't only speaking to his lover in that moment.
"I am-- I am happy," He admitted, eyes still glassy with tears both shed and unshed and although the words were quiet, there was a conviction behind them that made Jaehyun want to believe them more than he'd ever wanted to believe anything else before.
"Don't-- Don't give up." Yuta spoke the final words, smudged to near illegibility by what had probably been tears of pain, a child wondering why his parents didn't love him. Wondering why he wasn't good enough or when the pain would finally stop but too afraid to speak out and put a stop to it himself.
It didn't create an instant feeling of relief, in fact, it felt as though the wound had been ripped wide open once again but even though the pain was fresh, Yuta thought that maybe he would finally be able to begin healing. He wouldn't be doing it alone, the tears in Jaehyun's eyes speaking volumes for his understanding.
"I'm sorry that you ever had to think that way." Jaehyun whispered, wiping furiously at his own tears because he was supposed to be the strong one here but his voice still shook and Yuta understood.
"I'm not," he murmured in response and locked gazes with the younger, "It was horrible but it led me to you. I'd still be in Japan right now if not for the events that happened 17 years ago and I think-- I think that maybe I'd be able to go through it all again if I knew that you were waiting for me at the other side. My light at the end of the tunnel." And even as he was saying them, Yuta knew without a doubt that he meant every word.
"Any child we ever raise will know how much we love them." Jaehyun stated, tightening his arms around the older boy and pressing their lips together in a kiss that didn't make them feel fireworks or sparks but rather, the comfort of home.
"I know," Yuta replied, pulling away and leaning his forehead against Jaehyun's because he knew that anyone blessed with Jaehyun's love the way he had been would surely feel like the luckiest child alive.
Yuta had been dealt a bad hand in life but someone must have been watching over him because somehow he'd managed to meet the most amazing man who loved him despite how broken he'd been and stuck by him when things got hard.
The bad memories would never completely vanish but now he could replace them with happy ones of a life without regrets and they were bound to make mistakes but they would make them together.
That, Yuta had learned, is what love really meant.