Chapter Text
“ Years- for years I have trusted you. I trusted you! Over everything and everyone else.” An accusatory finger is pointed at Merlin’s chest. Tears are burning down Arthur’s face in anger. An incredulous, exasperated scoff huffs from his ironically upturned lips.
“ And yet you stand here, having nothing to say for yourself, no excuse, no reason besides destiny! What destiny? The one where I become some historic king with not a single person by my side to trust?”
Merlin stood a pace or two away. His bony left side leans on the thick, cold wooden edge of Arthur’s chamber table. It’s like a gut punch. Morgana, Agrivaine, now he himself has proven to be just another person who abandoned him, betrayed him…Large, knighted fists slam into the back of the king’s chair, situated at the head of the table. The veins in his arms throb to the pounding of his heart.
“ I trusted you.” It’s quieter this time, calculated like he has made up his mind.
“ I did it, for you-” Merlin blurts, just as quietly with a hint of anger.
“ -And that is somehow supposed to fix everything? That every time I confided in you, risked my throne for you, was all to a stranger? All my accomplishments aren’t really mine; someone was behind in the shadows, orchestrating my triumphs? I’ve truly done nothing. I have amounted to nothing.” Arthur gestures wildly, taking no heed of his appearance. His face is fire red, wet, eyebrows brutally strained.
“ That’s not true.” Merlin twisted his head in disagreement, his voice deep and low, as if speaking to a man who yielded a sword towards his throat. Or, perhaps one teetering on the edge of a wall with a deadly drop on either side. Tears have long filled his own eyes, burning his lids with a boiling flood. His heart is thumping erratically like a bird smashing itself into the wired walls of a cage. Its panic is relentless, drawing blood, smash after smash.
“What’s not true? That you’re a stranger, or that everything I have done is a lie?” Arthur spat, droplets making their way onto nearby objects. He couldn’t wait to hear this.
“ You know me, I’m the same person as I was, Arthur-”
“ Really?” He paused. “ Because I have told you everything. My secrets, my fears -” Another scoff followed by passionate encore, “ I thought you were the one person I had on my side, who I didn’t have to be King, I could just be Arthur. And yet- you couldn’t even do me the same courtesy-..” Abruptly stopping, gesturing wildly to his own chest.
It’s the second gut punch of the evening, or realistically, the 30th. Merlin bows his head down; he can’t look at his friend, not like this.
“ I can’t do this again, Merlin-” Arthur shakes his head slowly, setting free new tears. His angered expression is replaced by pure anguish.
Merlin cleverly held his tongue. Not another word from his lips would be used to hurt his King. Mistake after mistake, he has made, all for it to lead to this place he pretended would never become.
“ What do I do?” Arthur asks, looking, searching for an answer that made sense. Because nothing- there was nothing he could think of that could fix this, make it the same as it was. A mournful expression takes over.
An influx of breath eased Merlin’s shaking respiration, and he licked his quivering lips,” I don’t know,” He spoke quickly, unsure.
Merlin looks around the room for answers, feeling lost yet knowing it better than anything else.
“ I-I leave, and I don’t come back. You live your life as king, with Gwen, and you have kids and-”
“Shut up, Merlin-!” Arthur scoffs with renewed vigor. He abruptly turns his back to his frie-sorcerer, hands brushing frantically through the sweat-matted hair on the back of his head.
Merlin bows his head, pressing his knuckles into the wood grain as hard as he could, wishing, hoping it would bleed. The pressure blanches the blood, leaving them white and empty.
“ You think that’s what I want?!” Arthur turns back around more slowly this time.
Merlin gives an exasperated sigh, arms going up in a shrug.
“ I don’t know, Arthur, what do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? That I messed up, and everything I’ve told you was just some fluke that we can forget and move on from?” Merlin shook his head, then wiped liquid snot with the sleeve of his red tunic.
“ Seriously. What do you need me to say? I can’t fix this with the wave of a wand,” He belts as his voice cracks.
Arthur huffs lightly at the irony, shaking his head. He thinks forlornly.
“ I wish you had never come here,” His voice is laced with numbly misplaced quietude.
Merlin sucks in a breath. The years flash through his head. Every laugh, fight, trial, battle… Arthur wishes it never happened. He pictures himself, rucksack in tow, just barely making it over the crest where Camelot's regal arches come into view. It all goes back there, to that one moment in time years ago.
“ That’s selfish,” Merlin blurts through his clenched teeth, begging himself to remain silent. He didn’t want to keep doing this.
“ Really, Merlin, you think I’m the one being selfish here?” Arthur asks, his tears have significantly dried, and a mask of moderate anger remains.
“ Yeah, I do. I’m not discrediting what I did.” Merlin shakes his head slowly with remorse, or anger, he can’t tell. “ But, you’re telling me you’d rather forget everything we have done, been through- because you’re hurt?” he paused. “ You don’t think I’m hurt, either?”
“ How have I hurt you?”
“ I tell you something, the one thing I have been trained since birth to keep deep inside. And you stand here claiming to wish you never knew me. In what world is that not hurtful?”
Arthur shakes his head. It’s not the same.
He continues with a new passion.
“ I have lived in constant fear my entire life, for this exact reason. I lose people close to me. They either get killed or leave me. I couldn’t keep doing it. I live every day wishing that I were born different, so that every person I meet isn’t constantly in this position of sacrificing their own safety to preserve mine. I just wanted one person whom I loved not to have to do it. I didn’t want you to be put in the position where you either had to protect me or sacrifice your father’s trust.”
“ That’s what you were worried about? Merlin, my father has been dead for years.” Arthur scowled at the expired excuse.
“ I guess- I just-” Merlin took a breath. “The longer I waited, the harder it got. The more you trusted me, the harder I knew this would all come crashing down. I didn’t want to lose you, Arthur. Every day I wondered if today was the day I lost everything.”
-
“ I guess today was the day.” Arthur says with a muted tone, face going back to a stoic king expression. His emotionless mask was anything but emotionless.
Swifter than a sneak attack, Merlin’s head whipped up. It was a cold thing to say; they both knew it. Merlin didn’t know what to do: to leave or not to leave. To breathe or not to breathe.
“ Now what?” He asks instead. He lifts his knuckles from the table, subconsciously rubbing the blood back in to start forming the bruises. His eyes avoid the king’s face at all costs, fearing what he would see in its inflection.
Arthur took a deep, calculated breath and stretched over the chair. He took a moment before letting the words out.
“ Now… I want you to leave. Don’t leave Camelot, that’s not fair to Gaius…But I don’t want you here, I don't want you by my side. I don’t want to go about my day and see you around every corner.” As if he had just said the last word of an order, he turned around to busy himself with a mundane task Merlin should be doing. The servant stood quietly, dumbfounded, not sure what he had been expecting.
“ If that’s what you want. M’Lord,” Merlin says just above a whisper. Black hair nods to itself, and he walks towards the door, opening then shutting it behind him. No guards were present outside, and for then he was semi-thankful. It’s not like news of their falling out would not be spreading like a winter fever within days, but for the moment, he could pretend all was normal.
-
The door to the physician's chambers stands before him. He’s hesitant to enter, as if stepping foot inside solidifies everything. Its old wood grain is familiar and comforting, like the home you grew up in. Yet, it’s tainted, it’s Arthur’s kingdom, Arthur’s castle, inevitably Arthur’s door. He pushes inward, met by the ambient light flickering lowly among the darkness. He walks numbly inward over the threshold, and instantly a vice tightens around his throat like hands choking him. His breath involuntarily hitches and catches Gaius’ attention.
The physician looks up from his papers. He stands at the end of a worktable littered with empty vials everywhere. His open supply cupboard reflects much the same state. He gives a small smile,” The battle is won?” It’s rhetorical.
Oh yes, the battle of Camlann. The one where Arthur was destined to die.
Gaius got no response, rather no verbal one.
A sob, gut-deep from his soul, erupted from Merlin. He stood pathetically in place, so distraught that his legs and arms felt too weak to retreat to his chambers to collapse.
“ Merlin,” Gaius whispers. He drops whatever thing was in his hands, forgotten and abandoned. The flow of his cloak waves behind him with an urgency he forgot he possessed. Old arms swiftly wrap around the youth. The action is reciprocated. Merlin’s face falls just over his father figure’s shoulder, tears and sobs echo through the otherwise tranquil stone room.
“ What has happened?” Gaius softly asks over Merlin’s trembling shoulder, meanwhile the worst case scenarios were running through his aged brain rapidfire. He knew of the prophecy of Arthur’s demise, it had haunted them both for a long time. Endless, drawn out nights were spent in this very room searching through book after book, going over plan after plan that might just rewrite the ending. Word of mouth had told him the king made it through, only making this exchange more unexpected and worrying. He soothingly rubbed his hands up and down Merlin’s shaking back.
The boy was in no state to let go. Gaius scarcely remembers any times in the past several years Merlin was as distraught as now. He was an utter mess, no thought other than the pain he felt inside expressed. A cow with wings could go by and he wouldn’t have acknowledged it. The boy’s fingers tightly grip the fabric of his cloak uncomfortably, but who was he to complain?
Realizing he never responded, Merlins shook his head sobbing with involuntary apnea, his breath stopped every few seconds. No words were coming from his lips for a while.
“ Is it Arthur, does he live?” Gaius gently asks, afraid of what his ward may say. He huffs a breath of relief when the nod of Merlin’s head against his shoulder confirms Arthur survived. Yet, it does nothing to soothe the boy. Tears of anguish seep into the fabric, and perhaps some snot Gaius chooses to ignore.
“ Boy, what is it?” He asks, not entirely expecting an answer, he doesn’t know what else to say to make things better.
–
It took a good chunk of time before Merlin’s breathing was steady enough to devise words. They had yet to let go of each other, instead comfortably supporting each other upright.
“ I think I made a mistake,” He whispers through his rough throat.
“ What, Merlin?” Gaius prompts, encouraging the words to spill. His eyes are wide, waiting to hear what had brought this on.
“I don’t know what I thought would happen. It felt right, like we would live happily ever after or something.” Merlin sniffed, and let go to lean back. “It’s stupid,” He spat, and wiped the tears away, uncomfortably rubbing against his raw, red face. The elder took the warlock’s hands in his and sat them down on the bench.
“ You’re not stupid Merlin.” Gaius raised his brown inches from the ceiling. This was unlike the lad to be so self destructive, or was it? He was always degrading himself for something or another.
The raven haired man chuckled pathetically. “ Yeah, I think I am.”
Instead of responding, Gaius gave Merlin a look. The ‘don’t be a foolish child and just tell me’ look.
“ I’m serious Gaius, I think I screwed everything up,” Merlin looked at the floor, like it may have the answers to the problems of the universe. His lips were in a pathetic miserable pout, his teeth deciding now was a good time to worry his lip.
“ And that is?” His mentor prompted quizzically.
“ I told Arthur,” He let out. It was a relief, a release of pressure he didn’t know was wound up inside.
Gaius’ face went still, a careful look taking over as he leaned back to process.
“ I take it didn’t go well,” He muttered, a hint of disapproval, yet sympathy.
“ You think?” Merlin sniffed and rubbed his nose, releasing another tight breath.
“ I wouldn’t have assumed it would,” This earned him a glare. As much as he loved Gaius, now was not the time to validate Arthur, though he knows it to be true.
“ I still couldn’t help but hope after all this time he’d trust me,” Merlin sighed, “ I know it’s foolish, but I couldn’t keep lying to him.”
“ He’s hurt Merlin, but he is your friend. You are of the same coin afterall.” Gaius mused.
“ You should have seen him, Gaius.” Merlin shook his head in disagreement, “ This was- this was different.”
“ You broke his trust,” Merlin looked at Gaius warningly from the matter-of-fact tone he used.
“ And he broke mine.” Curt and tight, he didn’t know what else to say. Yet, his need to defend Arthur kept nagging, over and over. “ I know.” He submitted angrily.
“ What was I supposed to do? Keep lying forever? I can’t- I just..I can’t. I’m so tired,” Merlin admits sullenly.
“ I know, my boy,” Gaius soothed the messy hair of his ward and softened his demeanor. Merlin closed his eyes at the brief touch. This was effecting him far past what they have handled before.
“ You did the right thing.”
His eyes opened, quick, afraid he had misheard. Gaius didn’t say more, so he nodded, accepting anything that eased the guilt and pain from festering even a little. Part of him continued to doubt. Perhaps he should have waited, or never said anything ever. He could have kept this secret to his grave and would have never had to face it.
Abruptly, Gaius stood, making his way to the crackling hearth to fetch the steaming kettle of boiled water. He grabbed two brown, clay mugs streaked earthy tones from Camelot soil. He filled them near to the brim, and dropped several herbs inside.
“ To ease the night,” He explained, placing one in front of the boy. The smell of valerian and lavender filled the air with a pleasant aroma. Merlin smirked, recognizing the recipe of ‘calm’.
“ I don’t want to sleep,” Merlin drawled, much like a child recently scorned.
“ You must, it has been a trying day.” His mentor shushed, sipping his own beverage.
Pursing his lips, a sigh escaped.
“ I’m not his servant anymore Gaius.”
The physician gave the boy a look; it was expected. How lost Merlin must feel. His duty since entering Camelot was to care for Arthur, protect and serve him. And in one night, it was gone, ripped away mercilessly.
“ What am I supposed to do now?”
“ I suppose you take tomorrow as it comes.” Gaius smiles gently, letting one hand go forward and stroke bruised knuckles.