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Jason stared into the mirror. Blinked slowly, ran his fingers over the stubble on his jaw.
He looked like shit.
The images were still fresh in his mind. The Joker, the pain. The dying, and the coming back. The flashbacks were hard enough to deal with. But when they entered his dreamscapes, when they were allowed to be twisted and deformed even further, that was the worst.
He gulped, and leaned over the sink. Splashed the water into his face. Heard Damian babbling from his highchair, and for once, it didn’t make him smile. Threw more water onto his face, and then held his hands there. Breathed deeply, slowly.
He can’t hurt you anymore, Jason told himself. A mantra he used often, though rarely believed. However, he had hope that one day he would. Joker can’t hurt you. He doesn’t know you exist, he doesn’t know you’re alive, he cannot hurt you.
Without warning, he heard his front door clatter open, a drawled, “Hellooooo!” Damian instantly let loose a high pitched squeal, followed quickly by the thumping of his kicking feet, and the voice continued, “Well, there’s my favorite little pumpkin!”
Jason frowned behind his hands.
Just what he needed.
Because this wasn’t a nightmare, oh no. Quite the opposite. It was a fantasy. One he knew would never happen. He knew that, the logical part of his brain knew that – knew he wasn’t good enough, knew he was too messed up – but the emotional part just didn’t care.
It kept on wanting. Kept on wishing. Kept on hoping.
But it was the last thing Jason wanted to deal with today.
“Where’s Baba, hm?” His guest asked the toddler, who was no doubt already in his arms. “Where’s our favorite Baba, baby? Can you say ‘Baba, come here’?”
“Baba, com’ere!” Damian recited gleefully. “Com’ere, com’ere, com’ere!”
He had to eventually, he supposed.
He quickly grabbed a towel, and wiped his face off, before stepping out into the hallway and glancing into the living room. Sure enough, Damian had been taken out of his highchair in the kitchen, and was contently in the embrace of one Dick Grayson, being bounced jovially against his hip.
Dick glanced up at him and grinned. “Hey, bro.”
Jason inclined his head in a return greeting, attempting a smile as he leaned into Damian’s reaching fingers and accepted a kiss from the toddler, before swerving around them both, and heading for the kitchen.
“Sorry I’m late.” Dick explained. “Things got a little crazy at the station. There must have been something in the air; do you know how many speeding tickets were written? Or how many car chases were radioed in from the freeway?”
“I’m guessing a lot,” Jason returned flatly, opening the fridge door.
“At least four car chases that I know of, and over seventy-five tickets.” Dick sighed, and Jason didn’t have to see him to know he was nuzzling Damian’s nose. “Just when I think this town can’t get any crazier.”
“Yeah.” Jason hummed, debated reaching for the beer in the back of the fridge.
“But, yeah. Anyway.” Dick was smiling, Jason could hear it. And he found himself hating it. “Do you have the grocery list ready? Or were we doing that tomorrow?” Damian cooed, and when Jason stood up, an apple in hand instead, he watched Dick kiss his cheek. “We should go out anyway. They’re setting up for some sort of autumn festival this weekend, it looks like, and looked like they had a little pumpkin carving booth? Or something.”
“Is that so.” Jason sighed, unable to keep the annoyance from his voice.
“Yeah.” Dick shrugged. “I don’t know if they were done with set up or not, but it might be worth checking out. Damian might enjoy it.” He smiled at the infant again. “And if not, the leaves are changing color. That might be worth a nice stroll through the park. For you and me, anyway.”
“Sounds fascinating.” Jason snapped, coming back into the living room and sitting against the arm of the sofa. And it wasn’t on purpose. Not at all. It’s just. He was exhausted. He wanted to go to bed. He wanted to pass out, and maybe never wake up. He wanted Dick to leave.
Dick frowned, and instead hoisted Damian higher up his hip. “Are you okay, Jay? You seem…upset.”
Jason took a harsh bite of the apple. “Oh, what do you care.”
Dick’s frowned deepened. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”
Jason chewed thoughtfully and nodded towards Damian, who was distracted by the patch stitched into Dick’s jacket. “I know you’re only here for him, so.” He swallowed, sniffed, and looked down at his snack. “You can cut the bull, Dick.”
He regretted it as soon as it was out of his mouth.
He heard Dick gape for a second. “I’m not…It’s…Jay…” Dick suddenly moved away, gently placed Damian in amongst his toys in the corner of the room. Came back, and stared down at Jason. “Is that really why you think I stop by every day?”
Jason sighed. He couldn’t do this, not right now. Not ever. He didn’t answer, instead just…shrugged.
Dick stepped closer. (Too close.) Asked again: “Is that really what you think?”
“It doesn’t matter!” Jason almost shouted, standing to his full height, pushing Dick back with just the motion. “It doesn’t…” Another sigh. “Can we…can we not do this today, Dick? I’m tired.”
He pushed past him, heading for the bedroom. But under Damian’s content babble, he heard, “What happened, Jay?”
And he doesn’t know why. Doesn’t know if it was who said it, how he said it, or just the fact that he said it at all. But he stopped, at the mouth of the hallway. Waited a second, and just hung his head.
He heard the shuffle of Dick’s feet, and closed his eyes in embarrassment as he felt Dick’s fingers skim his arm.
“What happened, Jason?” Dick asked again, soft and gentle. Caring, and Jason knew that was a lie because Dick was only here for the baby, not for him, and he’s just pretending, and don’t get your hopes up, Jason, it doesn’t mean what you think. What you want-
“Nightmares.” He blurted out. Kept his eyes squeezed shut. “About…you know.”
Dick did, Jason could tell by the way his fingers twitched against his arm.
“It…it happens, from time to time.” Jason tried to brush off. “It’s not a big deal, it just…it just exhausts me, when it happens. Makes me a little cranky.” He opened his eyes, glanced up. Tried to smile. “I’m glad you’re here, actually. That just means you can watch Damian while I take a power na…”
He trailed off when he looked into Dick’s eyes. They were fierce, and protective, but also worried and concerned. But most of all they were strong. Knowing. Could hold the weight of the world, if they needed to. Were ready to, right now. If Jason let him.
They were also beautiful, and that hurt a little bit.
“…Do you want to tell me about them?” Dick asked quietly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There…isn’t much to talk about.” Jason mumbled, under the blaring sound of Damian’s firetruck. “Really, Dick, it’s fine.”
“…Here.” Dick suddenly stepped away, rushed over and plucked Damian up off the floor. He came back to Jason, and took gentle hold of his hand, suddenly dragging both man and child back towards the bedroom.
“Dick…” Jason chuckled. “Really, you don’t have to-”
“I do.” Dick whirled around, stared up at him. “I want to. Because Jason, I…” He deflated, just a little. Voice was barely a breath, sounded nervous, when he spoke again. “Jay, I’m…I’m not just here for Damian.”
Jason inhaled, and held the breath, as Dick stepped back into his space, and squeezed his hand.
“I’ve never been here just for Damian. I’m here for…” Dick whispered, with a sincerity that made Jason practically weak at the knees. A sincerity he doesn’t remember ever being shown before, ever having directed at him. Dick didn’t finish his thought, though, as his eyes suddenly darted down to Jason’s mouth. But Jason didn’t get a chance to analyze it either, before Dick suddenly spun back around, and regained focus on his mission back to the bedroom. “Never mind. Let’s just get you laid down. And Dames, how do you feel about naptime?”
The baby pursed his lips. Obviously didn’t feel great about it.
Dick smiled, though. Distracted the infant with kisses and coos as he gently pushed Jason to a sitting position on the mattress, and danced back out of the room, and into Damian’s nursery.
Jason sighed, as he listened to Damian’s whines and protests, and Dick’s gentle soothing. Closed his eyes and dropped his head back as Damian shouted and Dick chuckled. Actually did what he was told for once, and flopped back onto his bed. Twisted a little to get his head against the pillows, and toes shoved into the rolls of his blankets. Trying to clear his mind. Trying to relax.
Hard, when your head is still echoing with laughter. With that man’s laughter.
What if he finds out I’m back? What if he finds me? Finds Damian? What if he’s angry that I ruined his punchline, and takes it out on Damian? What if he kills Damia-
The mattress dipped next to his hip, and his eyes shot open. Dick was staring worriedly down at him. Fingers twitching in his lap like he wanted to reach out, but was scared to do so. Finally, though, after a second, Dick dared to reach out, and put his hand tenderly over Jason’s.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Little Wing.”
It was like the nickname was magic, because suddenly, Jason wanted to.
But still. He had a front to put up. A reputation to uphold. He pulled his hand away and rolled to his side.
“Nothing, Dick.” He mumbled. Closing his eyes. Bad idea, because all he could see was that stupid. Fucking. Smile. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not.” Dick said gently. “And don’t say I wouldn’t understand, either.”
“Well, you wouldn’t.”
That hand came around his side. Gripped his fingers once more. His voice was soft and sincere and close, and it tugged at Jason’s heart. “Try me.”
Damian gave a whine from his crib. Dick didn’t even turn to look at the door.
Jason sighed. “Nightmares. Just nightmares.”
“About?”
Jason wanted to be sarcastic, and biting. But there was that sincerity again.
“Dying, mostly. Some of the before stuff, some of the after.” Jason explained, finding his voice going tighter the more he spoke. “The Joker.”
“…Was this what your last one was about?” Jason nodded. “…Okay.”
Dick paused, and Jason kept his eyes closed. Near jumped out of his skin, when he felt a thumb stroking along his hand.
“I know it probably won’t help, but.” Dick whispered. “You’re okay, Jay. You’re safe.”
“I know.” Jason breathed.
“And I’m not. I’m not saying you can’t still be scared. That it can’t freak you out or anything. If that’s what happens, then that’s what happens.” Dick continued. Jason felt him shift, and suddenly his voice was even closer, breath cascading across Jason’s shoulder, as he rested the arm of his hand holding Jason’s against Jason’s stomach, leaned his side against Jason’s back. Basically pinned him to the sheets, now. “But just. Just know. No matter how bad the dream is, you’re safe. I’ll keep you safe, no matter what. No matter what threat it is. I promise. ”
Jason’s eyes flew open. After a pause, he twisted his head, looking up at Dick. Dick’s eyes were practically half-lidded, darting across his face like Dick was trying to memorize it.
The air was suddenly sizzling.
Stop Jason, his mind was shouting, even as his own eyes glanced down Dick’s throat, and into the shirt that was hanging loosely away from Dick’s chest. Stop right now.
“You can talk about it, but you don’t have to.” Dick murmured, sounding half seductive – or was that just Jason’s imagination? “But either way, you just let me know, and I’ll take care of everything. I’ll take Damian for the afternoon if you need me to. I’ll stay here and make you dinner if you need that too.”
Jason stared a second longer, and when he felt his mouth start to drop open, felt his tongue pressing against the back of his teeth, threatening to pop out and lick his own lips – he ducked his head away, closed his eyes once more.
“…It’s not.” He started. “It’s not the same every time. It’s not always like, flashbacks, or anything. Some days it’s in that warehouse. Other times it’s on a beach.”
Dick waited. His thumb still stroking.
“This last time it was in Moscow.” Jason whispered. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to Moscow.”
Dick didn’t speak still, and Jason realized his breathing was loud. Shaking. Filling the silence between them.
“It.” He gasped. “I’ve learned to expect it every time. There’s always a certain point where I know. I know what’s going to happen, I know what to expect, but-”
He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, felt his knees curl up a little, his hands ball into fists.
“But it still hurts.” He whispered. “I still get scared.”
The feeling of Dick’s thumb pushed through the panic, as the elder asked, “…Do you ever wake up? Before you die again, I mean?”
Jason could only shake his head.
“Okay. That’s okay.” Dick cooed. Suddenly, the hand holding his squeezed, and Dick’s breath was brushing across his cheek. “You’re okay, Jason.”
“I just.” Jason felt tears welling behind his eyelids. “I want them to stop. I just want the dreams to go away.”
“I know.” Dick soothed. “I know you do. And I can’t promise they will, but you’re okay. You’ll make it through. I believe in you, Jay. I know you will.”
And he felt like a child, as he began to babble, “And what if I don’t? Dick, what if I don’t make it through this time? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twi-”
“It’s okay. You’ll make it through.” Dick reiterated. And suddenly, without warning, there was the press of lips against his cheek, right along his jaw. A small pop a second later as Dick released. “I promise.”
Jason felt his eyes shoot open, an errant tear release down onto the sheets. He paused, and then jerked his head around. Dick was still there, still close. His eyes were soft and bright, his lips pursed.
Without warning, Dick’s eyes darted down to Jason’s mouth.
And surely, surely, it didn’t mean that. Dick was just looking, just couldn’t hold eye contact. Maybe Jason involuntarily mouthed something, and Dick was just trying to figure it out.
“…You’re okay.” Dick whispered, eyes never returning to Jason’s. And maybe he had something in his teeth. Maybe Jason bit his own lip and didn’t realize it. Maybe he was bleeding, and Dick was mesmerized. Surely there had to be an explanation. Surely it was not-
Dick dropped his weight against Jason’s. His thumb resumed the stroking it had stopped in this moment, while his free hand shifted up to rest at the side of Jason’s head, practically boxing him in.
Dick shifted, and leaned closer – not that there was much room left. He took one more breath, a deep inhale, and a hot exhale, and finally he looked back up.
Jason hadn’t blinked, Jason felt like he was staring into the universe, into a black hole as Dick’s pupils dilated in attraction.
“Oh,” Dick murmured. The hand holding Jason’s suddenly released, came up along his cheek closest to the bed. Held it, wiped away another tear or two, remained. “You’re okay, Jay. The dreams can’t hurt you here. I won’t let them. Don’t cry.”
Jason had forgotten he was, honestly. Forgotten everything. The dreams, the bed, Damian. Was focused on Dick’s eyes, and Dick’s face, and Dick’s affection only.
And after what seemed like forever, Dick’s voice was no louder than a breath when he whispered, “May I?”
This wasn’t real. Jason could not believe this was real. He’d have screamed yes from a mountaintop, if he could. Called in to the local news. Hacked Kanye West’s Twitter account and tweeted it a hundred times.
But instead, all he could do was look at Dick’s parted, eager lips himself. Tilt his chin just so.
And that was enough for Dick.
He didn’t crash down on Jason. Bite or assert any sort of dominance. He just slowly lowered himself. Brushed his lips across Jason’s once, as if testing the waters, then came back, just as gently. Pressed a little more, tilted his head the opposite direction, tried to go a little deeper, but not rough. Not forceful. Careful. Loving.
Loving.
But the time that thought came to Jason’s head, Dick was pulling back. Just centimeters, not far. Jason could still taste his breath, and it was only due to his shock and incredible self-control that he didn’t reach up and drag the man back down.
“…I told you, Jay.” Dick breathed, eyes gleaming across Jason’s face, full of adoration. “I was never just here for Damian.”
“Wha…” Jason huffed. “Does this mean…do you…?”
“Later.” Dick suddenly began pulling back completely. His hand dropped from Jason’s face, and the spot felt cold. “For now, try to take a nap, okay? Relax a little; you need some sleep. I’ll make you some tea in the meantime, and Damian and I will figure out dinner. We’ll have a quiet night in tonight. You can pick the movie when you wake up, okay?”
“Yeah, I…” Jason mumbled as Dick stood up and moved towards the door. “…Dick?”
Dick turned.
“…You just did that to calm me down, right?” Because his logic was returning, and there was no way-
Dick smiled. “Of course not.”
…Oh.
“…Then what does…what does this mean?” He asked quietly. “For you and me?”
Dick paused, the smile grew wider. “What ever you want it to, Jason.”
Dick was gone before Jason could respond, but. After a moment, he curled back into the bed and closed his eyes, determined to do what he was told. Maybe this is still a dream. Or, if not, maybe his panic is forcing him to hallucinate.
He listened to Dick hum in the kitchen as he gathered ingredients. Gently licked his lips, hoping Dick’s taste lingered there, and smelled the waft of his favorite tea as he finally drifted off.
When he woke, he could hear Damian babbling in the living room. It took him a moment to regain his bearings. Remember he’d had the dreams last night. Remember that Dick was here, and what Dick did…
He swallowed the lump in his throat and got up. Slowly walked down the tiny hallway.
Damian and Dick were sitting on the sofa, playing on the tablet. Damian didn’t notice Jason walk in, but Dick did. Looked up with a warm grin.
“Sleep okay?” Dick asked, as Jason shuffled into the room.
“…Yeah.” Jason croaked, flopping onto the sofa at Dick’s side. “It, uh…good suggestion.”
“You don’t get to be my age and not have a few.” Dick winked. “Also, mac and cheese for dinner okay?”
“Yeah.” Jason repeated, glancing down between them. Dick was holding Damian and the tablet with one arm, leaving the one closest to him open. And he still wasn’t one hundred percent sure. Still didn’t know if it was a joke, or real or…what it was.
But Dick said it could be whatever he wanted it to be.
And right now all he wanted was to hold that hand.
“Yeah, it’s…” He felt himself almost shaking as he slowly slid his hand along the sofa cushion, and across the back of Dick’s hand. Dick flipped his hand on contact, and Jason almost couldn’t breathe as he intertwined their fingers. “It’s good.”
Dick looked up at him and…Jason doesn’t remember ever seeing a grin so soft. So happy.
“Good.” Dick whispered, squeezing Jason’s fingers tightly. “I’m glad.”
“Me…too.” Jason exhaled in relief. “…How long?”
“Hm?”
Damian gave a shout, pounding his fists against the tablet screen.
“How long have you…wanted to do that.” Jason felt his face heating up, and suddenly he felt like a teenager again. No longer an adult, back in the land of ‘hoohahs’ and ‘doing it’ and penis being a bad word. “Because, let me tell you, now that it’s happened, I’ve wanted to do that for ages.”
Dick blinked, and grinned. “A while.”
“…How long is that?”
“…Maybe since that first night you let me into this apartment through the window?” Dick supplied sheepishly, with a light shrug.
Jason inhaled sharply, embarrassed and flattered and full of so many different emotions – this time all good as opposed to earlier today, where his emotions were terrifying.
“Oh.” Was all he could say, as he ducked his head, and leaned it against Dick’s shoulder. Dick squeezed their hands again. “…Thanks for making the first move.”
Dick laughed. “My pleasure. Sorry my timing is weird. I know this isn’t the most…romantic setting, I guess.” A pause. “I just couldn’t stand you being so upset, so I had to…do something, anything, to get that darkness out of your…pretty little head.”
“It helped. Really.” Jason whispered, smiling at the truth of the statement, even as his face heated more at being called pretty. He could feel Dick’s embarrassment, and it was helping to ease his own. He glanced over, and watched Damian squeal as his favorite character appeared on the machine’s screen. “…Do you want to stay tonight?”
“…I’ve stayed before.”
Now it was Jason who was squeezing their hands. “Not in my bed, you haven’t.”
He felt Dick jerk, and suddenly Dick was moving. Leaning his head down to plant a kiss on Jason’s forehead. Jason shifted upwards, to look at him, and Dick smiled, descended again, to kiss him proper. Jason accepted eagerly, and it tasted just as magical as before, if not more so.
“It would be my honor.”