Chapter Text
The WAG’s AND The Cens
[1 January]
Lisa: I felt the urge to make this chat.
Cassie: Is every super-WAG and their partner in here?
Lisa: Yep.
Wyatt: Babe, what do you have planned…
Shane: Umm Ilya I need to explain something, come downstairs really quickly…
Ilya: I can’t find my sweater?
Ilya: You know which one I mean.
Shane: No I don’t?
Shane: Which one?
Shane: You have like a million.
Ilya: The Hollander 24 one.
Ilya: Ottawa not Montreal, I burned that one.
Shane: You what?
Shane: Ignoring that.
Shane: It’s on the bottom shelf of the closet in our room on the left plank.
Shane: The middle right closet.
Shane: Wait no it’s not, it’s on the bed, neatly.
Ilya: It’s not there.
Ilya: I checked.
Shane: It is!
Shane: It’s under your pillow!
Ilya: I’ll be down in two minutes!
Zane: That was weirdly domestic.
Cassie: And sweet! The fact that he has a Hollander 24 jersey under his pillow is so cute.
Luca: Yeah.
Luca: Why does Cap have a Hollander 24 sweater?
Luca: I didn’t even know those existed.
James: Oh because you would have one if you knew 😣.
Luca: I would.
James: Wow.
James: Breaking my heart one day at a time.
Lisa: IT’S ALMOST LIKE THEY’RE MARRIED GUYS!
Cassie: Took the words right out of my mouth.
Wyatt: We never see them domestic, we just see them either killing each other on the ice or in each other’s mouths.
Troy: Yeah, that rivalry never really went away.
Harris: Anyways…why was this chat made?
Harris: Any social media scandals I should be worried about?
Lisa: No no!
Lisa: Don’t worry.
Lisa: We should have a shared chat.
Lisa: BECAUSE Wyatt keeps complaining about what I share about our life…
Wyatt: I’m still never going to recover from that emotionally.
Lisa: But that wasn’t why I made it, I want peace.
Zane: That sounds dramatic.
Lisa: No, it’s not.
Lisa: You guys have been IN OUR HEADS about this chat and what we’re saying about you, and I want that to stop. So here, this chat, so we can talk together as a peace offering.
Cassie: I agree, because Zane, who cares that we fucked in your car on your parents driveway, we’re all adults.
Zane: YOU TOLD THEM WHAT?
Cassie: I tell them lots of things.
Wyatt: Damn, Bood.
Zane: STOP, apparently you’ve done way worse, Hayes.
Zane: I would be scared that Lisa will start sharing.
Harris: Yeah Wyatt, I wouldn’t be so smug if you don’t want that shared.
Wyatt: It’s not fair that you guys BOTH care for privacy and that you have dignity 🙁.
Troy: It really is just your own fault though…
Ilya: I’m back!
Ilya: And don’t worry Shane, I know about the chat.
Shane: ??
Shane: How?
Ilya: This morning I saw the chats on your phone while you were in the shower.
Ilya: They said that they’re adding me!
Ilya: Yay!
Shane: They’re what??
Ilya: Aren’t you excited that your super sexy and hot husband gets to join the WAG chat?
Lisa: Shane, I’m sorry. But the first two seconds that that man had your phone he already proved that he should be allowed.
Zane: Why does he even have access to your phone?
Cassie: Is there a reason I don’t have access to yours?
Cassie: Are you cheating on me?
Zane: NO NO NO, I just texted you the passcode babe!
Luca: Hold on, James.
James: Yes…?
Luca: What have you shared in there, text me privately, not in here.
Luca: Or just tell me, we’re next to each other.
James: Nuh uh, WAGs secrecy.
Luca: Oh god.
Luca: Please tell me, Lisa, Cassie or Shane, ANYONE.
Cassie: WAGs secrecy.
Lisa: WAGs secrecy.
Shane: WAGs secrecy.
Luca: 😭.
Luca: PLEASE JAMES I’LL DO ANYTHING.
Luca: And you KNOW what I mean when I say that.
Cassie: Well what does that mean…
Zane: Same here, Cas PLEASE say what you’ve said.
Wyatt: Lisa what could you have said more than wanting dick picks from Roz, right?
Lisa: …
Wyatt: RIGHT?
Ilya: What did she ask more?
Ilya: But sorry Lisa, they are only for Shane.
Lisa: My heart is broken.
Shane: God. Wyatt, I hadn’t told him that she said that yet…
Wyatt: Oh, well let me explain what Lisa said about your husband .
Shane: PLEASE DON’T, HE’LL ACTUALLY ANSWER!!
Shane: You don’t want to know! Trust me!
Zane: Oh by the way I know that Troy told us like a month in advance but still congrats on your engagement !!
Zane: Assuming Harris said yes?
Harris: Of course I did…?
Harris: Why does everyone keep thinking that I said no?
Harris: But thank you!
Troy: Thanks Zane!
Wyatt: Lisa asked if your dick is actually nine inches and if you could send her a dick pick.
Lisa: And that he’s my hall pass!
Ilya: Oh well Lisa,
Ilya: Yes, yes it is.
Shane: Ilya Rozanov.
Ilya: You measured??
Zane: Oh my fucking god.
Wyatt: Shane??
Shane: NOT helping the situation with that omg.
Lisa: JEZUS.
Cassie: Oh my god, Shane.
James: This is so fucking funny omg.
Luca: Is it though?
Ilya: What’s a hall pass?
Luca: Please don’t tell me your hall pass, James.
James: My boyfriend just told me that he doesn’t love me anymore.
James: Am I not allowed to have one?
Luca: Of course you are!
Luca: And of course I still love you.
Luca: I just don’t want to know it!
Lisa: Awww.
Harris: Please don’t say that gay people are cute, again…
Troy: She did what?
Luca: She said what??
Harris: Something is wrong inside her head.
Wyatt: Well don’t say that??
Wyatt: She’s really fucking smart and the only doctor here!
Lisa: It’s really fine babe.
James: Hey! Not the only doctor!
James: I also exist.
Shane: [Responding to Ilya’s message:] A hall pass is a famous celebrity that you would have sex with even though you’re in a relationship.
Ilya: Ah, yes, thank you for telling me, Shane.
Ilya: Who is your hall pass?
Shane: I don’t have one??
Ilya: Really?
Ilya: Not even Rose Landry?
Shane: ILYA, I’m GAY! How many more times am I going to have to come out to you??
Ilya: Yeah not so gay you can’t fuck Rose Landry.
Lisa: Ilya I love you for this.
Zane: You’ve had sex with her??
Shane: Not successfully…
Zane: What does ‘not successfully’ even mean in this context??
Zane: Because she honestly, unironically, is my hall pass.
Ilya: Shane can make an appointment with her and you.
Cassie: 😭😭😭.
Lisa: Do you mean he can hook her up with Zane, Ilya?
Ilya: Yes, that.
Wyatt: You’ve not told me that before Lisa? Rozanov is your what?
Lisa: I don’t apologize for anything that I’ve done, said or heard in the past!
Wyatt: Oh okay, well then mine is Ellen Pompeo…
Lisa: Is she really the only doctor playing actress you could think of?
Wyatt: No…?
Wyatt: …yes.
Lisa: Who’s your hall-pass Cas?
Cassie: Mine used to be Shane Hollander.
Zane: Cassie…no?
Cassie: Cassie yes.
Shane: Used to be??
Shane: Up until when??
Cassie: Well, you still are, but Ilya is in this chat so I didn’t say that.
Cassie: And you’re gay, so I wouldn’t even have a chance.
Ilya: It’s okay female Bood, I know my husband is really sexy, I’m sorry and yes he is very gay for me, though I will not apologise for that.
Shane: Gay FOR you??
Shane: I’m so confused right now.
Lisa: FEMALE BOOD? I love you, male Hollander.
Lisa: Yes Ilya, yes. I’m adding you to the gc RIGHT NOW!
The WAGs of the Cens
[1 January]
Lisa: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the one and only: ILYA ROZANOV!
[Lisa Hayes add Ilya Rozanov to the chat]
Shane: God help me.
Cassie: It will be fun!
Lisa: It will, I’m excited!
Ilya: Good day ladies.
The WAG’s AND The Cens
[1 January]
Troy: This means you also must have one, right Harris?
Harris: We JUST got engaged.
Harris: I’m not telling you that.
Troy: Tell me.
Harris: Chris Hemsworth.
Luca: Damn what made him fold that fast.
Lisa: Probably sex.
Cassie: Probably sex.
Luca: Uhh…
Troy: Isn’t that Thor in the live-action movie?
Cassie: Yes, yes it is.
Troy: Now we are going to go offline for no reason at all.
Shane: Right.
Shane: No reason at all.
Zane: HOLD ON?
Zane: I skipped over that part, Cassie, HOLLANDER IS YOUR HALL PASS?
Ilya: You’re saying he’s ugly?
Zane: No, I'm saying that my wife’s hall-pass is a man that I see naked daily.
Cassie: And I’m jealous of that!
Shane: ???
Shane: Cassie we've been over this a million times, we are all married and I’M GAY!
Shane: I honestly feel like I come out every day at this point.
Shane: Never mind, every three minutes.
Wyatt: That’s how I feel, Bood.
Ilya: Don’t mention that you’ve seen Shane naked, Bood.
Ilya: That's weird.
Zane: He’s also seen me naked and I’ve also seen you naked and you’ve also seen me naked?
Ilya: And yet I am still with Shane.
Cassie: Does this imply that he thinks Zane is ugly or sexy?
Shane: I have no idea…
Cassie: [Responding to Zane’s message: ‘I skipped over that part, Cassie, HOLLANDER IS YOUR HALL PASS?’] Well always when you played against Montreal he looked sexy, and also in his ads that pop up when I’m just watching youtube, so yes, he is my hall-pass.
Ilya: Mention Montreal once more and I’m kicking you out.
Shane: Ilya, it’s fine.
Ilya: No it’s not, Я видела, как у тебя на лице появилось выражение, когда она упомянула Монреаль.
I saw the look on your face when she mentioned Montreal.
Ilya: What is the English term?
Ilya: Shane?
Lisa: Please play translator Shane.
Shane: ‘I saw the way your face pulled together when she mentioned Montreal’
Cassie: I’m sorry Shane 🙁.
Shane: It really is fine!
Ilya: It’s good that you’re gone, now they only have 14th best player of Montreal left.
Shane: Hayden finally moved up a spot?
Ilya: Well you left so it was automatic.
Luca: Let's stop talking about them then.
Luca: James I actually do want to know now, who is your hall-pass?
James: Uhh YOU!
Luca: You didn’t even know anything about hockey before you met me.
James: Fine, it's John Stamos.
Luca: Is that why you had a poster of him in your room?
James: You literally have a GIANT poster of Rozanov…
Ilya: Now, I don’t know English well, but I do know that ‘have’ is a present tense.
Ilya: Luca, you are now my biggest fan and favourite team member.
Ilya: This is the best news ever.
Ilya: You are favourite Centaur for ever and ever now.
Shane: ?? Please stfu.
Shane: And I also still exist, am I not your favourite?
Lisa: He’s just texting?
Shane: Sure, just texting while running around and screaming ‘I am the best!’.
Lisa: HAHAHA
Wyatt: She’s actually laughing if you were wondering.
Lisa: I only text that if I’m actually laughing out loud.
Cassie: ZANE, WHERE IS MILO??
Cassie: He was in the kitchen five minutes ago, I left to get more cat food from the basement and now he’s gone??
Ilya: You clearly are not good parents, I know where Anya is at all times.
Zane: He’s in the bath!
Cassie: And you are?
Zane: With him!
Zane: I wouldn’t let our child drown, don't worry.
Cassie: Okay.
Wyatt: Yes Lisa, the kids are still at your parents’ house.
Lisa: Thanks.
Lisa: Are you planning on having kids?
Lisa: Shane and Ilya?
Shane: We’ve talked about it a lot.
Shane: It’s just really hard.
Ilya: Don’t you think that I’ve tried :(
Ilya: I’m TRYING Shane!
Ilya: 🙁.
Shane: … because one of us would have to retire if we have kids.
Shane: I want at least one of us to be fully present.
Shane: And I meant with surrogacy or adoption…
Shane: I can’t get pregnant?
Ilya: Don’t remind me!
Ilya: I really am trying.
Ilya: :(
Zane: I did NOT need to know that.
Wyatt: Second.
Troy: Third.
Luca: VIERTER!
Fourth
Cassie: Don’t act like you all didn’t know that.
Lisa: You’re all a bunch of babies.
Lisa: Don’t worry Ilya, I’ll create a way for him to be able to get pregnant, I’ll even get James to help me!
Shane: ??
James: ??
James: I am NOT creating a way for real-life M-preg.
Luca: How do you even know what M-preg is?
Ilya: What is M-preg?
Cassie: 😭It means male-pregnancy.
Ilya: Oh.
Ilya: Then yes, please do.
James: How do YOU even know what M-preg is, Luca?
Luca: I’m literally gay.
James: So am I, didn’t think you would not have noticed by now.
James: Honestly thought you would catch up quicker.
James: You know, with the sex we're having and all.
Lisa: 😭😭😭.
Luca: (Okay, I had a tumblr account when I was 15 but we don’t speak of it.)
Shane: What’s Tumblr?
Lisa: Oh you sweet summer child.
Luca: People shipped you and Ilya on there, A LOT.
James: People being you?
Luca: :(
Ilya: Shipped us where?
Zane: 😭😭😭.
Zane: No shipping means that you want certain people to be together.
Ilya: You thought me and Shane were together, Luca?
Luca: Okay, gut, ich hatte einen RPF-Account auf Ao3 und Tumblr, wo ich RPF-Fanart über Shane und Ilya gepostet habe !!
Okay fine I had a rpf account on Ao3 and Tumblr where I posted rpf art about Shane and Ilya !!
Luca: But I was like 15 then, it honestly is what made me good at drawing.
James: ‘Okay fine I had a rpf account on Ao3 and Tumblr where I posted rpf art about Shane and Ilya !!’ is what google translate told me the translation was.
Ilya: What is rpf?
Luca: Alright! I hate google translate and that's all I’m sharing today!
Luca: James, I’m quickly gonna go to the store for new pencils!
James: You’re boring.
Luca: We also need new fish food!
James: That is true.
James: I’ll come with you.
Lisa: Now that they’re gone…
Wyatt: Now what?
Lisa: As a tradition I think we should share best sex stories again!
Harris: No way in hell am I going to do that, again!
Troy: Thank goodness, I love you Harris.
Harris: I love you too, future husband.
Troy: (I’M GOING TO BE A MARRIED MAN GUYS !!)
Shane: PLEASE LISA NO!
Shane: I’m still a little dignified, Ilya will make it much and much worse.
Cassie: Oh so you have done worse than at the Olympics where Wyatt was practically IN THE ROOM!?
Wyatt: They were very discrete at least! I didn’t hear a thing.
Ilya: Because Shane can be a very good boy and quiet.
Shane: Ilya one more word and I’m taking away your phone.
Zane: They did what at the Olympics??
Zane: Cassie, please, I’ll do anything.
Zane: Don’t say anything, please.
Cassie: Fine, we’ll move over to the WAGs chat again.
Lisa: Like actually, I thought you wanted to know what we shared?
Wyatt: No, that’s worse, I don’t want people talking about THAT!
Shane: Wyatt, you don’t have anything to worry about, I haven’t even told Ilya.
Ilya: Told me what?
Ilya: That you’re finally pregnant?
Shane: NO! Ilya I can’t GET pregnant not EVER.
Shane: Get over it!
Ilya: You hate me.
Ilya: Everyone, my husband hates me.
Zane: Please tell us what Lisa told you guys about Hayes.
Wyatt: PLEASE DON’T PLEASE.
Cassie: WAGs secrecy.
Lisa: WAGs secrecy.
Shane: WAGs secrecy.
Wyatt: The one time I’m fucking gratefull for that.