Work Text:
“Ilya! Where were you Saturday night?!”
Ilya could not think of words fast enough. In Russian or in English. Well, that was a lie, actually. He thought of many words, in Russian, that just so happened to be very vulgar swears. Shane appeared in the doorway of their bedroom before Ilya could think of something that was not a swear.
“You said you were out with Svetlana Saturday night,” Shane started, his tone startlingly neutral after his shouting a moment ago.
“Yes.”
“Mom sent us the strangest article this morning,” he continued, stepping over to the bed. “Something about Montreal losing their cup banners. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you, Ilya?”
Shane sits down on the bed, a small smirk on his face. Clearly Ilya is not hiding his panic very well. Ilya is torn between throwing the blankets over himself and hiding or escaping the bedroom. Although, as Shane’s smirk grows, Ilya is presented with a very promising third option: kissing his very sexy husband into the bed until he forgets that Ilya may or may not have committed some acts last night that may or may not constitute crimes. The lines are blurry.
Ilya’s not a lawyer, but he and Shane do have a very nice, and very expensive lawyer. Not that Ilya would ever need one. Because again, the line on if crimes were committed or not is very blurry. The banners should never have belonged to Montreal in the first place. Although, once again, he is not a lawyer.
“Ilya?”
“Yes?”
“Nothing to say on that?” Shane scoots closer, his thigh bumping against Ilya’s knee. “No comments? Really?”
“You want me to feel bad for Montreal?”
“No,” Shane answered quickly. “Just seemed like something that you would be fast to quip on.”
“‘Quip?’ Like joke?”
“Yeah.”
Ilya fought back a smile as he focused on his hands. He would break if he looked at Shane, so he twisted his wedding ring and ignored the urge to grin. “Is tragic they lost the only reminder that they were ever a good team.”
“Right, right. So it was just an accident, or some crazy fan that took the banners?”
“I don’t know about ‘crazy,’” Ilya mumbled under his breath. He looked up to see Shane grinning. “Yes, yes, is very sad for Montreal, but they are a sad team, yes?”
“You always liked to say they were really my banners anyway,” Shane pointed out.
“Yes, because I am a smart man,” Ilya reasoned.
“That’s funny. Because the comments section seems to think you’re involved for some reason. But you’d never do anything crazy like that, right?”
“Yes. Totally.”
“That was the least convincing ‘totally’ I have ever heard," Shane said with a flat stare.
“Lies. You are liar.” The words were unconvincing, even to Ilya himself.
“So if I call Svetlana, she’ll back you up?” Shane asked, raising a brow.
“Of course.”
Ilya had seen Sveta last night. Over a Facetime call. While he was waiting for Dykstra to show up at the Centaurs’ arena. She was excited about the plan. Although, she was mad at Ilya for not waiting until she was up in Canada, so that she could join.
Shane hummed noncommittedly. “You don’t trust me,” Ilya stated.
“I trust you,” Shane answered. “Just not about this. You always call me a bad liar. But you’re also a bad liar.”
Ilya held his hands up. “No crimes were committed.”
“So you were there!” Shane exclaimed triumphantly, his face lighting up.
“That’s not what I said! I said nothing about Montreal!”
“Do you think I’m mad?”
“I’m getting mixed signals, yes.”
“You took the Lambo to Montreal?” Shane continued, like Ilya hadn’t even spoken.
“How the fuck did you know that?!” Ilya blurted.
Shane smacked lightly across the chest. “So you did go to Montreal!” he cried. “All I knew was you took the Lambo to see Svetlana!”
“And I did see her!” Ilya said. “Over Facetime,” he added with a mumble.
“Oh my god. Did you seriously do a run to Montreal and back overnight?”
“It was in Lambo! It was very quick!”
“You’re crazy,” Shane laughed out, dropping his head against Ilya’s chest. Ilya gently wrapped an arm over his shoulders. “Did you seriously break into the Metros’ rink?”
“It was not a break-in,” Ilya protested. “We were let in.”
“‘We?’ You broke into the Metros’ rink with people that weren’t me?” Shane smacked him again. “I’m divorcing you.”
“No, you aren’t. I figured you would be mad about maybe potential crimes or boring stuff like that.”
“Okay, yeah, maybe. But I’m still mad. Who did you bring?”
“Hayes. Dykstra. Baby Haas.”
“You brought the rookie?”
“He called you the ‘patron saint of hockey gays,’” Ilya shared proudly.
Shane barked out a laugh. “You are all crazy.”
“You’re not mad?”
“I’m mad you didn’t include me. But no. I’m not mad.” To emphasize his point, Shane picked his head up and kissed Ilya softly. “I love you so much. Thanks for committing crimes for me.”
“It was a maybe potential crime!” Ilya said, before kissing him again.
“I can’t believe you got some of the guys to agree to go,” Shane said, pulling away slowly to settle in Ilya’s lap properly.
“They were very excited, actually.”
“I feel like I should be concerned about the enthusiasm around crime. What kind of team environment are you fostering, Mr. Team Captain?”
“Maybe potential crime,” Ilya corrected. “You going to turn us in, Mr. Nice Canadian?”
“Ha. Nope. This is going to secure you that favorite child spot with my parents, though,” Shane sighed.
“I already secured that spot, baby. It’s all mine. I am number one Hollander child.”
“I hate you.”
“No you don’t.”
“No I don’t. Where are the banners, anyway?”
Not in Montreal,” Ilya said with a smile.
“Seriously? Did you forget them in the car?”
“I would not treat them with such disrespect! They are in trophy room, moya lyubov.”
Shane blushed. Ilya kissed his freckles on each cheek. “You’re crazy,” Shane repeated.
“Crazy in love with you.”
“Oh my god.”
---
Gayest Team in Hockey
Bood
link to: Mayhem at Montreal Arena
👀👀👀
Troy
👀👀👀
Young
👀👀👀
Holmberg
Damn Montreal got hit
Troy
assholes
got what they deserve
Ilya
barrett you are my favorite
Wyatt
your opinion is easily swayed Cap
also
fuck montreal
Luca
fuck montreal
Dykstra
fuck montreal
Bood
Okay
Where the fuck was everyone last night
I need locations, time stamps
Dykstra
Are you the feds now bood?
Luca
He’s a mole
Bood
yall are suspicious
Dykstra
we didn’t do anything
Shane <3
uh huh
Bood
????
Shane
What do you know
Boyle
🍿
Young
🍿
Shane <3
I know nothing
Bood
Shane Hollander’s Husband!
Ilya
yes
Troy
Damn full name
Wyatt
its his legal name now
Bood
Cap
I don’t trust you
Ilya
that’s good
good instincts
they will protect you in the wild
Bood
wtf
Chouinard
i do not know what is happening
Wyatt
entertainment
Bood
was anyone in montreal last night
Ilya
i must speak with my lawyer first
Bood
what did you do
Ilya
nothing
Dykstra
i believe you cap
Bood
you’re not off the hook either dykstra
Dykstra
What did I do???
Bood
Suspicious
Dykstra
come out and say it
Bood
Who the fuck stole montreals cup banners
Ilya
you mean shane’s banners
Bood
oh my god
you did not
i was mostly joking
YOU WENT WITHOUT ME
WTF
ROZANOV
Ilya
I confessed to nothing
Wyatt
if one were to visit montreal overnight
in a purely hypothetical scenario
it would be strange to see an empty rink
hypothetically of course
Luca
It would also hypothetically
be fun to go out on enemy ice
hypothetically
Dykstra
if one were to repeat this hypothetical experience
one should hypothetically take a bigger car
Ilya
all lovely hypotheticals
Bood
i’m going to kill all of you
Troy
i’m in too bood
🫡
cant believe you guys didnt invite us
Shane <3
You all have a weird relationship with the law
Chouinard
you are all crazy
goddamn
Bood
murder
Ilya
i would hate for you to be in prison
making Cassie a single mom
Bood
she will also murder you Rozanov
Ilya
hot
Bood
🖕
Shane <3
There’s something wrong with you, Rozanov
Ilya
awww
Luca
I'm so glad I'm on this team!
Dykstra
suckup
Troy
I can’t believe you went without us!!!!
Bood
are you at least going to show us pics of the banners
Ilya
i don’t have any banners
because i did not commit any crimes
Troy
you can keep saying that
it doesn’t make it true Roz
Shane <3
Innocent until proven guilty
Troy
you’re okay with this?
Shane <3
Here me out…
Were the banners ever really Montreal’s?
Wyatt
preach
Ilya
not that I have committed any crimes
but i am open to unknown crimes in the future
moy pomidor
Shane <3
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, but
❤️
Ilya
❤️
Bood
This doesn’t change the fact that you went without me!!!!
Dykstra
someone's jealous
Wyatt
once again, not that we did anything
but it was fun
hypothetically
Luca
I agree. Hypothetically.
Troy
if someone uses the word hypothetically one more time istg
Luca
Hypothetically
Troy
i liked Haas better before he met Roz
Ilya
Luca is favorite now