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The Dxun rain had surprisingly paused in its eternal falling, Atton saw as he emerged from the top hatch of the Hawk. After easing the hatch closed behind him so it wouldn't clang and wake the others, he walked toward the front of the ship and sat down heavily, heedless of the damp surface.
The darkness was punctuated only by the soft glow from the Hawk's cockpit and running lights and further out into the jungle, the twinkling of luminescent insects. Leaning back to rest his weight on his arms, he tried to let his mind blank out as he stared into the thick, humid night. It was almost peaceful, if one could forget why they were here. And forget the Mandalorian camp a stone's throw away. And forget the predators no doubt staring back at him even now, making dinner plans. And the Sith tomb. Oh yeah, definitely forget the Sith tomb. His efforts to still his thoughts failed as he analyzed and dissected what had happened in the tomb for the hundredth time.
At the time, faced with the heavy opposition they found, it had seemed logical to use the Dark Side to fuel his own power, efficient, in a brutal way. The all out rush as he crushed the life out of the various Sith hadn't really registered until the last Sith Lord lay dead at his feet. Then, the heat of battle over, he could neither ignore nor deny it. Visas had gently placed a tentative hand on his back. Let it go, Atton, she'd counseled. Don't succumb to it. He didn't, but oh, how easily he could lose himself in that power. Even now the visceral memory of it pulsed through him.
The Force was a tool that he wanted to master, and like any tool, since he'd committed himself to it he wanted to know it inside and out. But was he strong enough to withstand that kind of temptation? There had to be a way to use it without taking the yellow-eyed plunge.
The click of the hatch release made him roll his eyes at the impending intrusion, though he'd pretty much expected it. He knew that his brushing off Neela's question as to his state of mind earlier wouldn't work for long, not with the vibe he was projecting.
"You couldn't sleep either?" he said over his shoulder.
Neela came over and sat down next to him. "Nope."
Her eyes reflected her own troubles as they searched his for a moment before she turned to gaze out toward the trees.
"You wanna talk about what happened in that tomb now?" she asked after a minute.
"You're not gonna let it go, are you?" he replied, laying back and folding an arm behind his head, looking up at the stars peeking through the gaps in the clouds drifting by. She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, watching him expectantly. And watched. And watched. He could almost hear the seconds ticking by. He sighed in defeated exasperation.
"Ok, ok. If you have to know, it, uh.. using the Dark Side? It kind of freaked me out a little. And I don't mean like Ooo, it's evil and all. I mean I'm certainly not opposed to using the best tool for the job. It just... when it was all over... and I... I don't know." So much for his attempt to make any kind of sense. It was hard to talk when she was looking at him that way, all understanding and knowing. He reminded himself that she was far from perfect herself, but he couldn't help it. He hated the idea of offending her or worse, scaring her.
"It felt good," she stated bluntly.
He bit back the urge to lie about it, to deny it. "Yeah. It surprised me, and I don't know why, really. I guess it's different to experience it first hand. It's uh... It's been a while since I felt anything like that, and sure as hell never that intense."
"Well it definitely affected you," she observed. "And it still is." He got the feeling she was looking at his Force aura as her eyes moved over him. She held her hands out and a feeling like being immersed in warm water washed over him.
"What are you doing?" he asked, brow dipping. She shook her head dismissively as she concentrated. He sat up, anger spiking at her manipulation.
She backed off. "I was trying to help you regain some balance. That's all."
"I don't need-" A baby sitter, he finished silently, closing his eyes and taking a breath. All he was doing by getting angry was proving her right. And where was the ashamed feeling coming from? Why should he be ashamed for getting the job done? Pinching the bridge of his nose, he answered his own question: it was, as ever, her. He continued in a calmer tone.
"Just let me do it, ok?" It would take him longer since meditation was definitely not his strong point, but he was past the point of wanting to rely on her for everything.
"I'm your teacher, Atton," she said, sensing his thoughts. "I have to look out for you. That's the way it works, even for - especially for - this crazy crash course in Jedi 101. I need you and the others focused and clear in the head."
He dropped his gaze and nodded. "I know. But the tomb? With the enemies we faced? I honestly don't think I could've done it any other way. I'd be dead and you'd be having this conversation with Visas."
"Don't underestimate the Light, or your ability to channel it. It is stronger."
"For you, maybe. For me? I'm not convinced."
"Yes for you," she insisted. "For everyone. Some truths are universal."
He cast a doubtful look her way. "Maybe."
She blew out a little puff of air, shaking her head. "Force, you're so stubborn."
"No, I'm realistic. I told you from the start that I'd never be a cheerleader for the Jedi."
"And I told you I don't expect you to be, but you do need to recognize the danger of leaning on the Dark Side just because it comes easier. I need to be able to trust you to handle yourself."
"Oh. You need to trust me," he snapped, defensive sarcasm preparing to fire. "I'm sorry, did you miss the fact that I've had your back since Peragus?" He was doing it again, but her comment was out of line.
"No-"
"Have my actions given you any reason to doubt that you can trust me to handle myself?"
Her lips pursed tightly as she answered him with only a tilt of her head and a stare that he felt on the back side of his skull. He didn't budge, though.
"So far? No," she said at last. "But you've crossed a dangerous line by taking lives using the Dark Side. Couple that with your reckless-"
"Reckless?! I'm not-"
"Your reckless desire to protect me, and yeah, I'm concerned." And with that, she took all the fire out of his fight.
"I'm not reckless," he mumbled as he looked away.
"Of all people, you know how insidiously addicting that kind of power can be."
He was silent for a few moments, weighing the possible ramifications of speaking what he was thinking. All she could do was say no. Or they could end up in a huge fight. Even so, he braced himself and said it.
"You've got a crew full of new Force users and a dance card full of Sith Lords to fight. Would it be so awful to utilize every resource available to us?"
"Did you not just say it freaked you out?!" she retorted.
"Yes, but if it helps-"
"It won't, trust me. And trust yourself, dammit!" She jabbed him with her finger. "You're better than that, even if you do make some stupid mistakes. You're lucky, you know that? You're lucky you didn't get your ass handed to you, that you didn't lose Visas and Mandalore, too!"
His instinct was to yell back, to point out that he'd done neither, but he bit his tongue. He was transported back in time to a point where he was standing in formation and getting royally dressed down by his CO. This feeling was much worse, though. He rested his elbows on his knees, raking a hand back and forth through his hair as the silence stretched on.
"You're better than that," she repeated, her voice softening. "I just wish you'd believe it."
His gut twisted from the guilt, from the feeling that he'd disappointed her and was likely to do it again and again.
"What do you want from me, Neela?" he asked. "All this Dark Side, Light Side stuff... I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I don't know if I really want to most of the time. What I did in that tomb - I can't lie and say it didn't feel comfortable or natural, even if it did scare the hell out of me. I won't say I'll never go there again if I have to, to protect you, but full on falling to the Dark Side? No. I don't ever want to be that blind again, that out of control. That's as close to a promise as you'll get."
"I don't want promises. Not after Revan," she said, her eyes flashing desolate with some unvoiced memory. "I just want to believe that there's something on the other side of this, you know? Something more personal than some abstract notion of saving the galaxy, even if that is selfish. I know I haven't been the best example of what a Jedi should be, but to lose you or any of the others to the Dark Side would make it all seem pointless. And if you fell, it would be my fault ultimately."
That was the difference between them. To him it was a tool, but she viewed the Force through the eyes of a Jedi, exile notwithstanding. She might wander from the path, but it was in her blood. There was a time he would've mocked that quality, but for some reason in her, he couldn't help but admire it, and maybe even envy it a bit.
He reached out and tapped her chin, hoping to make her smile again. "Hey, doom and gloom is my job."
"Seeing Kavar just reminded me of how much I'm failing all of you in so many ways."
"Are you kidding? Look around. Look at what you've done with this rag-tag group of ex-Sith and lost souls. Hell, I even saw Mandalore smile after talking to you. You're not failing us. Not by a long shot."
She searched his eyes again as they fell quiet, the night sounds seeming louder because of it. Finally he reached out a hand and she smiled, their fingers lacing as they met. He tugged her arm as he lay back down, and she stretched out at a right angle, laying her head on his stomach.
The minutes passed with no words exchanged nor any need for them, the earlier tension having vanished like it never happened. He stared at their entwined hands, his thumb caressing hers as he acknowledged the rarity of the moment, wrapping himself in the comfort of just being with her. It still seemed like some kind of magic to him, this easy feeling. One could almost call it peaceful, he thought, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Saving the galaxy was all fine and good, but moments like this made it all worth it for him.
Some time later she broke the silence. "You did kick their ass, though."
"Hmmph. Well unlike some people, I didn't single-handedly stop a war, but yeah. I think it's safe to say we kicked their asses ten ways to Tatooine."
She looked at him and grinned. "Good."
He quirked an eyebrow. "Does that mean you're not gonna kick me out of your motley little traveling Jedi academy?"
She rolled to her stomach, bringing her face temptingly close to his. "I'm no where near done with you yet, Rand."
"Ooo, I like the sound of that," he replied, pausing only a heart beat before wrapping his arms around her and rolling them over, the sound of her laughter abruptly cut off as he kissed her.
A soft rain began to fall at some point, but he couldn't say when, only that it was very amusing and somewhat challenging trying to put on wet clothing when they finally released each other.