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“I think we can do this long distance thing.”
Even in the busy chatter of the airport crowds, Scott’s voice had been so earnest that Theo had fooled himself into believing him. For hours, days, weeks he believed that whatever he and Scott shared wouldn’t be affected by the almost two-thousand miles between Beacon Hills and New York. It was a strange time, both hopeful and mourning but like all things that hope came to an end and so did his relationship with Scott.
New York had simply been too good of an opportunity for Scott to pass up. He’d been gunning for a promotion at his tech company for months and he’d impressed his bosses enough for his name to go right up to the CEO and sure enough he was getting the promotion of a lifetime complete with a swanky office and a significant pay rise. The downside, of course, had been that the offer came with relocating from his home in Beacon Hills to New York City, which suddenly seemed so cold and so far away. Scott had put off his decision for days as his heart and mind fought a vicious war and in the end it had been Theo who had made the decision for him.
“This is your dream, Scott,” he had said, holding his boyfriend’s hands in his own one late summer evening. “This is everything you’ve worked for. You can’t give it up now, not for me.” He didn’t quite believe the words he was saying, in fact there was a large part of Theo that hoped that Scott would see through his words and decide to stay but instead the Brit just smiled serenely and leaned in to press the most delicate of kisses against his lips.
In an ideal world Theo would have gone with him, holding his hand as they explored the Big Apple together, but this was not an ideal world. He had his own responsibilities, his own job to work and his family to look after. His mother was sick and his colleagues too overworked to abandon. “Maybe next year,” he’d said when Scott asked if he’d be joining him, a weak smile accompanying the words that already seemed like a lie.
They struggled from day one. The near-constant texting wasn’t a new development but there was almost something cruel about it, knowing that he wouldn’t be able go home to his boyfriend at the end of a long day. The only company that awaited him at home was the quiet buzz of a cell phone as Scott’s latest message came through. “I’ve been invited out for a drink!” or “There’s this cute bench in Central Park I think you’d like.” Each time Theo’s heart hurt a little more and the smile became tighter and more forced.
“Are you guys still good?” Lydia asked over coffee after a long morning of doctor’s appointments with his mother. Theo smiled as brightly as he could manage but otherwise didn’t answer. A look of sympathy flashed across Lydia’s face. “When’s he coming to visit?”
“He hasn’t decided yet,” Theo replied after a moment. “He’s using his first holiday to go back to the UK,” he added, sharper this time. Lydia’s look sunk further from sympathy to pity as she reached out to squeeze his hand. Theo forced the smile back onto his face, doing his best not to think about the fact Scott hadn’t text him at all that morning even though he knew about the appointments and he knew just how worried his mother’s condition made Theo. He knew and yet still Theo was met by nothing.
A text arrived late that evening but by then Theo was two glasses of wine too deep to reply.
He awoke the next morning to a frowning emoji and an uncharacteristic bad mood.
Nights without Scott were tougher than Theo had ever expected. His skin longed for contact, his mouth begged for gentle kisses and yet he had nothing to give them. Scott haunted his dreams whether they were playing in bed to dancing in the rain, from the rollercoaster ride of their first night in bed together to their last July 4th camping under the fireworks. A particularly harsh dream placed them back in Theo's college dorm, alone and naked only every time Scott moved to kiss him their bodies passed through each other as if they were nothing more than ghosts longing to repeat the past.
“We should Skype soon,” he text Scott a few days after. “Maybe tonight?”
The reply came three hours later: “Can’t tonight. Dinner with my whole team.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yeah, maybe!” arrived another hour later.
They didn’t Skype until the following Friday. The sight of Scott's face didn’t quite warm up Theo’s heart the way he’d expected it to. For hours he listened to Scott talk about his new big city life from getting lunch with Allison, his personal assistant, to his bowling nights with Michael, his neighbour. Theo smiled throughout it all but his eyes continually darted to the small clock in the corner of his computer’s monitor, counting down to the moment he could claim it was too late to feasibly remain awake and could escape from what suddenly seemed like an uncomfortable conversation.
The texts slowed even more dramatically after that. Twice a day, once a day, once every other day - soon days would go by and Theo would hear nothing. He, of course, was not cruel enough to pin all the blame on Scott for this one because he was certainly just as much to blame for their lack of communication. He would purposefully turn his phone off while visiting his mother in hospital and leave it in his back pocket when he hit the bar with Liam.
Drinking was an unexpected result of Scott's departure. Liam had offered him drinks countless times before but Theo had only laughed and waved him off until a few weeks after he’d dropped Scott off at the airport and he felt desperately lonely one night. The offer of a beer was not passed up this time and for the first time since he turned seventeen and lost his virginity at a high school party, Theo got drunk. He woke up feeling like shit but it didn’t stop him from drinking with Liam that weekend, nor did it stop him from getting friendly with the bar staff and being recognized as a regular just a few months later.
“Come back. I need you,” he typed out at an ungodly hour, one cold November night. His fingers hovered over the ‘send’ option before settling on ‘delete’. There was no lie in the words but he just couldn’t bring himself to ask that of Scott. He’d never forgive himself for putting his own need first, that just wasn’t the type of guy he was.
“Maybe you should go to New York for your birthday,” Liam suggested somewhere between his fourth and fifth beer, pulling him out of his miserable thoughts.
Theo had laughed it off at the time but the suggestion stored itself in the back of his mind, eating away at the back of his brain until he booked return flights for the weekend of his thirty-sixth birthday.
“Have you told Scott yet?” Lydia asked the next morning, her lips curved into a frown. Theo tried his best not to think too much into her expression. It was much easier said than done.
“I was going to surprise him,” he explained, shrugging his shoulders in a manner that was far too casual for the manic thoughts in his head.
“You old romantic!” Jackson chuckled on his other side, his face lit up in a bright smile. “Seriously, you guys are so adorable it's almost nauseating.”
Once upon a time Theo would have blushed and laughed it off, made excuses even, but that time was gone. Instead he let the faintest of smiles tug at the corner of his lips before excusing himself from their morning coffee to make an early journey to work.
New York was colder than Beacon Hills. Theo had known that well in advance but it hit him like a brick wall the moment he stepped off the plane. It was more than just the temperature though, the coldness seemed to linger in the city’s residents and its architecture, turning every pedestrian into a ghoul and every building into a prison. It all felt so wrong and Theo despaired at the thought that Scott now called this place home. How could he turn his back on the warmth of their city, on all their hidden spots and favourite restaurants for this? It seemed too bizarre to possibly be true.
“Scott? Oh no, he’s out of the office right now,” Scott's personal assistant told him when he arrived at the other man’s office. Allison was beautiful and kind but her face had lit up with surprise and confusion when he’d explained who he was. “I don’t think he’ll be back in for the rest of the day.”
Theo should have taken this first hurdle as a sign that things were not working in his favour and flown back to Beacon Hills, allowing himself to dwell under the comforting blanket of ignorance. He didn’t. Instead he made his way to Scott's apartment.
The moment the apartment door opened and their eyes met, Theo's heart awoke from the deep slumber it had been under for months. The city, as cruel and uninviting as it was, had been kind to Scott. He had grown his beard out and had seemingly even put on a small amount of lean muscle. If it was possible he was more handsome than he’d been that moment they’d parted at the airport and Theo felt the hungry want and need growling inside him.
Scott's lips fell open, surprise drawing a pleasant picture across his face before the perfect illusion was shattered by another voice deeper inside the apartment.
“Who is it?” they asked, casual and unaware of the scene playing out in the doorway. Theo's heart stumbled and fell as Scott's lips pulled up into a hard, thin line.
“It’s not…” he started, voice dropping away as if he couldn’t commit himself to the lie. “Theo, I didn’t know.” His words offered no further explanation but Theo's brain didn’t need any suggestions towards making a conclusion. A part of him had guessed it long ago, the idea creeping and crawling in the back of his mind until now. The hurt felt every bit as bad as he’d been dreading even with the preparation and Theo's jaw felt unsteady as he fought back the tears brewing in his eyes. His nails dug into the palm of his hand, the stinging pain reminding him just how easy it was to break, to make a fool of himself and let Scott know just how deep he’d wormed his way under his skin.
“You said you thought we could do this,” he replied finally, still holding onto whatever strength he had left.
The guilty smile that appeared on the other man’s felt like a slap to the face. “I thought we could. I really did.”
New York’s ghosts followed Theo the whole journey home. They followed him to his apartment, observed as he packed up Scott's remaining stuff and pitied him as he finally broke down in tears.
Scott came back eventually, years later with apologies and gifts in hand, only to be met by Lydia's sad smiles and a shake of Jackson's head.
After his trip to New York, the parts of Beacon Hills that had always felt like home to Theo suddenly began to feel more like memories than reality. The lamppost they had shared their first kiss under, the restaurant they had taken Scott's parents to when he finally came out, even the office he used to meet Scott outside of every day for years. He had been living in a highlights reel of his life and it was simply too much.
So, as his love had done so long ago, he packed a suitcase and jumped on a plane.
New York had never been his home. Beacon Hills no longer felt like it either. Theo didn’t despair though. It would take time but he knew that somewhere out there, thousands of miles away there would be a place he could really start again. Maybe he’d never feel the same spark of love he’d felt whenever his lips had met Scott's and perhaps being held in another’s arms wouldn’t feel like being embraced by the inviting ocean but he had to give it a shot.
Hadn’t he earned that much?