Work Text:
i.
“Dear God, today I met a boy.
I’ve seen him at church but I didn’t know he lives down the street. His name is Han Jumin. He bumped into my house with his toy car and we spent the rest of the day playing together. He’s funny because he’s so serious. He wanted to pay me for the damages to the house. It was a toy car and it didn’t even leave a scratch. But he agreed to be my friend instead of paying me, so today I can say that I have a friend. Dear God, thank you for giving me a friend. I told my dad before bedtime and he said the Han family is a good family.
I want to go over tomorrow and play with Jumin again. I think I’ll bring my marbles over, but maybe he’d like action figures more. I also want to play hide and seek. I want him to find me but he probably doesn’t like running around that much. He’s probably really good at gonggi. Maybe we could go to the park. I don’t actually know the route there. Maybe Jumin does. He looks really smart, he even wears a suit when playing.
But I’m not only thankful for Jumin. I’m thankful for my home and my health. I’m thankful for being able to eat every day. When I came home, my dad had gone back to work, but the TV was playing a show about aid workers. One of the kids they helped was so thin that he couldn’t even cry, so I ate my whole meal, even though I don’t really like kimchi. It’s so bitter.
I’m thankful my mom is healthy. I saw her at church recently, but dad said I shouldn’t talk to her because she wouldn’t be able to hear me. I’ll ask him if I can bring a notepad next time so I can write something for her. Apparently my handwriting is bad, but if she can’t hear me, maybe I’ll try to get better. Maybe Jumin can teach me. I think his handwriting could look machine-printed.
I really want to go outside tomorrow. Dear God, can you make it sunny tomorrow? Or maybe add some popsicles to our freezer? I keep getting brain freeze when I eat alone, so maybe it’d be more fun if Jumin got one too.
Dear God, please protect my mom, my dad, the staff, all the animals, my friend Jumin, and Jumin’s family. Please let us all live long and healthy lives. Please let my mom hear me someday. I’ll try my best to be a good son too.
Goodnight and amen.”
ii.
“Dear God, I’m sorry for giving up on my bedtime prayers. I think I outgrew them. Please forgive me and let me confide in you now.
I think I stopped praying regularly when I met my mom, which is funny, because usually I prayed for her to be doing well. She is, I think. Thank you, God. Honestly, she can be a bit much at times, but it feels nice not to feel alone at home.
Jumin met her, too. He learned sign language for her and when he told her he could play the violin, she had to excuse herself before she could start crying. Jumin apologized profusely, but mom said she’s so happy someone dear to me can still play for me. It was a little awkward, honestly, and I don’t really care for classical music.
…I’ll still listen if Jumin ever wants to play it for me, though. I’m grateful for him, even if he’s more comfortable speaking to my father than my mom. He’s softer with my mom, though. I like when he smiles genuinely, and it is thanks to him that I even got in contact with her in the first place.
Anyway. I’m confiding in you because I’m scared. I mustn’t disobey my parents, right? But if they’re guiding me in two different directions, what am I meant to do?
My father wants me to go to business school, and honestly, I was ready to do that. I like to draw, sure, but that doesn’t pay the bills. I didn’t even consider there was any other choice for me before Jumin pointed out I kept doodling during social studies. He said I’m not cut out for anything that requires statistics or a clear structure.
It kind of hurt, especially because those are things he’s so good at, but he’s right. My grades are good, but lately I’ve kept picturing myself working an office job and it makes me so anxious I want to throw up.
I can’t let my father down, but my mom keeps encouraging me to draw. She bought me paints and later Jumin wanted to watch me paint, so I guess he’s on her side. That kind of surprised me.
It’s weird to think that he’d encourage this since he basically has his entire future planned out. I don’t know, maybe I thought he’d shut it down and tell me to be realistic. It’s not like I’ve told him that I want to do art for the rest of my life. It’s more like he saw through me, but I don’t know what there is to see.
I don’t know if I want to do art forever, especially if I can’t make a living with it.
I joked to Jumin that maybe I should live in his fancy home and paint all day while he goes to work, but he thought I was serious, and didn’t seem nearly as appalled as he should’ve. I feel bad now. I wish my future was mine instead of it affecting everyone around me.
I got off-track, sorry. I guess I should pray more.
Dear God, please, please, give me the strength to make a choice. I keep zoning out during cram school and soon there won’t be a choice to make, because I’ll just…
I don’t know. Please grant me strength. Please protect my family and Jumin. Please forgive me for being a bad son. I swear I’m trying.
…Amen.”
iii.
“Dear God, please excuse my language.
I know it’s not allowed because I’m meant to respect you. You’re supposed to love me and make everything turn out okay, but honestly, I don’t respect you right now. I’ll repent for that later.
I’m so fucking mad and the only thing I actually want to ask from you is to make all of this stop. But you won’t listen. Have you ever listened? Who am I even talking to?
…To myself, right? I’m talking to myself, because you don’t exist, so I can’t even be mad at you. But if I can’t be mad at you, I can only be mad at myself, but my body is already burnt and I don’t know how much more I can take, so I feel like blaming something that isn’t there is much easier.
You met her, right? She arrived on a cloud to greet you. She was probably crying and hysterical and you had done nothing to stop it.
I’m never drawing again, you know. Just to spite you. I’m never drawing again because my mom is dead and you did nothing. And I did nothing. And no one else did anything either and I thought I was going to die and maybe I should have.
Dear God, I was at my mom’s funeral and I kept imagining the church burning down and killing everyone inside it. Myself, my father, even Jumin. I kept wondering if I was the start of it all and if this was like some curse that could be removed if everyone who had ever cared about me died as well.
And then I cried and I couldn’t tell anyone that I wasn’t crying over my mom. Because it’s not about my mom in the end, is it? I was so cruel to her and she still saved me.
When I was painting, I kept thinking that maybe if there was one person who saw my work and was impacted by it, that’d make me good. Because I’d be leaving a mark. I could maybe make something beautiful.
That painting burned down in my mom’s house, along with almost everything else. I don’t think it matters what I do with my life because it won’t be anything good.
I’m back at my father’s house. Jumin doesn’t live down the street anymore but he’s showering right now, and that makes me feel worse. He won’t leave and I can’t ask him to leave and as much as I want him to leave, I also don’t.
But I can’t scream when he’s here. I think he’s scared I’ll do something stupid now that the funeral is over.
I won’t, I don’t think, but I guess I’ve thought about it.
I wonder if he’ll be grossed out when he sees the bandages. Well, I know he won’t. I think the only way Jumin would be disgusted by me was if I kissed him or something.
Which I won't. And you wouldn't approve of that, right? Even if you see right through me. I wonder if there's a single thing about me that's right. I’m glad you're not real because at least that means there's no possibility of me seeing my mom again. I'd rather there be nothing after I die than know I'll go to hell.
…The shower turned off. It’d probably be pathetic to escape my own bedroom through the window.
Dear God, if I’m no good, then someone like you hardly has the authority to condemn me for that. I’ll do it myself.
Amen.”
iv.
“Dear God, it’s been a while. I should probably do this differently now, but you’re still you even if my surroundings have changed.
Recently, I met someone. She’s beautiful and kind but I can tell she’s been through a lot. It’s a bit endearing, in a weird way. I’ve found myself enjoying just observing her. She brings me to Mass with her every Sunday, which, I suppose, is why I’m now praying again.
I want to see the world through her eyes. Is it love when you meet someone and they feel like the missing piece of a puzzle?
I also met the twins. They’re bright young boys and it seems like my presence is helping them. They always want to spend time together before going back home after church, and while I always stay, I wish I could do more. Things have been fine for now, though.
It feels like I’m painting something with everything I do. Every little detail adds to the story, and I can just hope and pray that what I’m doing is right and the final result will be cohesive.
Maybe this is a first step. I hope you’ll guide me.
I haven’t actually… told Jumin about her. Them. He’s busy abroad, but Rika wants to meet him. I’m not against it, I mean — my girlfriend and my best friend? Those are the two people I’d want to get along the most. So, yeah, I’ll tell him soon. I promise I will. And then he’ll visit during his break and… And we’ll see.
I guess I’m happy. I think so. I hope so. I’m not sure if you’re the one to thank for this, but… I’ve met wonderful people because of you, or at least because of the idea of you, so that’s something.
Um, I guess I’ll see you in Mass. I hope you’ll accept me again.
Amen.”
v.
“...God. Are you there?
I don’t… know what I’m doing. I feel so pathetic that all I can do is laugh. Sorry.
She left. That’s a fact. I’m trying to calm myself by listing everything that is true: I let her down, and I wasn’t enough to make her stay, and I made sure my clothes weren’t bloody when I left the apartment, and I tried to find a church but I couldn’t make out the street signs, and I…
I’m sitting on the curb. Like I was a kid again, waiting for Jumin to come out and play.
Ha… Jumin. How do I even…
God, I’m tired. It hurts and it felt like my entire life flashed before my eyes when it happened. I saw Jumin and I saw my mom and I guess I’ve known him for longer than I ever knew my mom. Was that your doing? What were you trying to tell me?
I’ll find her. I have to. I can’t… let anyone else get hurt because of me. I’ve been complicit for too long. Haha… I can’t tell if I’m crying. It still burns.
I should call Jumin. Or someone, at least. But he’d just…
I don’t want him to see me like this. I think, for the first time in my life, I’m accepting that I’m hollow. I can’t even be alone with my own thoughts so I’m talking to you. I don’t even think I believe in you. But she does, at least she used to, and I just wanted something more.
Did I want to save her? Or save myself? Is there a difference? I can taste blood.
And even now, as I’m thinking about finding her, I’m really only thinking about myself. Once she’s safe… and once Saeran’s safe, and no one else is getting hurt…
There will be nothing else for me to fix. This will be my final good deed, or maybe my first.
How do I explain this to the others? Where she went? They’ll ask, and maybe even try and go after her…
It’s not their business, though. They’ll get hurt and — ha. Right. I forgot. I’m selfish. What will be left of me if someone else fixes the destruction I’ve caused?
…I wonder if I should leave a note once it’s over. What do you think, God? If we ignore that it’s a sin, as maybe by now we both understand that I’m not the most devoted follower, what should I do?
Are you there? Have you ever been...?
I don’t even know if that matters anymore… Amen.”
+ i.
“Dear God... Sorry, you’re the last thing I want to reach out to right now. Maybe the feeling is mutual.
I don’t know where my phone is. I’m not even looking. It hurts too much.
...Would I call you? If I could?
Would you answer?
I know you would. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I treated you like this. I'm sorry I had to be your best friend and I'm sorry that I wouldn't change that for the world.
Did you know? I tried to improve my handwriting by writing you letters. I think, eventually, they burned. I think I could remember every word, if I just tried.
I couldn't stop her. I'm sorry. But I also never got to kiss you and I'm starting to think my life has just been full of regrets.
Haha… My hands are shaking. I can't see but the blood has already dried.
I miss you. You think I'm dead but I held out and you'll never know I'm holding my gut thinking of you.
Maybe we can play hide and seek when the sun rises. I won't be able to find you, but you didn't find me, so maybe we're even.
Do you think… we can play together again?
I want to play with…
Haha. God.
Does the prayer count if I never finish it? Will it have been for nothing if I don't… Ha.
Dear God, please, protect my mom. Protect my friends. Let them live long and healthy lives.
Please, God, can you make it sunny tomorrow?”