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Delicate.
Stelle would describe her current resolve as delicate, lifted by the lilting calm of promises of something new. Opportunity felt like a piece of paper in her hands.
And she could shape it into a serrated blade or a poorly done craft, or not touch it at all.
But it was paper, it was like her mind- also delicate.
Healing with time, nightmares less frequent but still striking sagacious surrender into her bandaged heart. She must reapply them after a particularly dreadful night.
And maybe that was okay.
She no longer wanted to rip her heart out from her chest, and to cease to nothingness rather than feel wretched numbness. She preferred to envision rest, to rejuvenate under something away from it all. The realization shook that she needn’t ignore her loneliness, only learn how to speak with it, how to compromise.
Peace would come, not a void.
Stelle had just woken up from one of the dreamless sleeps she’d succumbed to as of late. An empty mug of herbal tea on her end table from the night prior, a recommendation from Himeko-
Himeko deigned the consumption of extreme portions of caffeine before bed, and had an extensive collection of herbal tea as a result. She preferred the ones that alleviated pain or calmed her down, and had offered to the express that they were allowed to use it.
Stelle was skeptical at first, partially because she didn’t want to be a burden. But more likely because if Himeko’s coffee was any indicator, her taste in tea would likely not be the greatest either.
However, that reluctance disappaited upon the first sip of a calming chamomile with milk and honey. It felt like the tea evaporated into a mist that slowly but surely cascaded through Stelle’s body, hugging her mind and massaging her limbs with the utmost care.
Falling asleep became much easier. Stelle no longer felt as clouded by unfortunate thoughts.
She left the mug on the table to be dealt with later, pulling her ashen hair up into a lazy ponytail and smoothing out her pajamas.
Getting out of bed became less of a chore as well.
Yet not everything was pristine, healing a devious rot takes time. Every now and again she’d hear the cries of her old friends in a quiet room, her head would bounce up, and she wouldn’t be quite the same after realizing it was but a trick from her mind. Sometimes she would be caught by a memory and stare blankly off into space. A few chains of the past may have rotted, but her captor always found a way to hook them back together.
When meeting The Dahlia a few months prior, she thought of asking for the cremator’s service. The sultry woman could practically read her mind from one glance.
“Oh I sense quite the ghost chasing you, I could alleviate it- for the right price.”
Stelle’s heart ached to say yes, but faltered.
It wouldn’t be the same.
Her mind would seek out the illogical holes in itself, the discrepancies with others, and truth always has its ugly way of making it out alive.
Her travels would mean nothing had she not learned that fact.
So she refused.
“For a higher one, I can manipulate the memories of your companions, to reflect your new reality.”
No. They were handling this in their own way.
As he taught her,
We handle things in our own way.
Her desperateness to rid herself of memory doesn’t give her a pass to instill on others a burden to bear.
The Dahlia murmured something along the lines of “your loss”, and continued to weave her tale- or at least that’s how Stelle remembers it.
She could never be sure.
Stelle also found herself interacting more with the other crew members. Her late nights with Dan Heng became weekly at the minimum, she began to speak to March again, read alongside Sunday and Welt in a pseudo-official Astral Express Book Club (although they were the only members, Pom Pom gave up on learning to read quickly and March was annoyed by a lack of romance- but that’s change soon, as their next book was much more carefree than a bloody action or a self help book, the latter Sunday’s influence), and Himeko and her shared tea.
It got easier with every interaction.
And with every day that passed.
Stelle checked her clock, and her eyes caught the calendar next to it. Tomorrow they’d depart for their next stop.
Opportunity.
It wouldn’t be immediately easy, nothing ever was, but she felt excited to leave. To be able to focus her mind on a whole new location and another world to save.
This time, hopefully with less death.
She realized she hadn’t processed the time, and her eyes jolted over to see it was nine am.
Everyone except for March was already up. Welt, Himeko, and Sunday were likely in the party car and Dan Heng likely in his room.
Stelle smiled, as she knew who she would greet first.
————
“Come in, Stelle.” Dan Heng said, not even looking up from the notes on Amphoreus he was still working on.
Stelle had stopped before arriving to bring the two of them coffee, neither with any sugar nor creamer.
She extended one of the mugs to him, and he shot her a sideways look.
“Please tell me Himeko didn't sell you on her coffee.” He muttered.
Stelle chuckled. Dan Heng smiled warmly at the sight of it, not so long ago had she been incapable of smiling at all.
“No, it’s a blend I got the last time I went to the Luofu. I think you mentioned it in passing once.” Stelle replied
Dan Heng nodded, pleased. He took in the beverage’s cozy aroma, before taking a large sip of it. Stelle’s face lit up in surprise, as the drink was still quite hot. She sat on the ground beside him, crossing her legs and placing her mug on the ground in the middle.
“It’s as I remember. I’m surprised you remembered, I don’t recall mentioning it that much.” Dan Heng took a smaller sip of the coffee. He began to stare at her, taking note of the way her shoulders were slumped and her eyes contained actual light. The way her hair wasn’t matted. He’d begun to compare her to the images in his mind of her right after a traumatic story like no other.
“It may not look like it, but I do pay attention to what you say.” Stelle tapped her fingers on the mug, almost shrinking underneath his gaze. He had no idea how fixated he was on the trailblazer.
He’d had his own troubles, sure, but nowhere near as bad as she had it.
She’d withdrawn herself completely, a soul ripped into shreds and bandaged with wet adhesive. He offered his support when he could, but it never felt like enough.
Yet she appreciated it regardless, and offered hers in return.
His immense care for Stelle became a weapon against him.
But he would stab himself with it a thousand times over, as had he didn’t he wasn’t sure if he’d see her smile again.
Either she’d completely draw away from him or the stress of losing someone close to her would burn away whatever fragments she had left.
Nobody could bear to lose her, it wouldn’t be a tragedy in the books but a family defining event.
Nothing would be the same, without her goofy humor or her chaotic tendencies or her propensity for trashcans or the enthusiastic way she swings her bat or the determined look in her eyes when challenged by a foe or the silver strands found laying around or the stairs or the express itself or himself or
The world.
He’d thought at that time- oh.
This experience had let such realizations simmer.
Nearly losing her at the beginning of a traumatic story like no other had made him much more aware of how important she was to him.
And, she found him important as well.
The lines between them had remained blurred since the night both of their nightmares were quelled from proximity.
Yet, it hadn’t been official. What is it that the chronically online call it, a soft launch?
“Dan Heng?” Stelle titled her head, and he shook out of deep thought.
He cleared his throat and focused his gaze forward on the wall.
“I’m sorry, I get wrapped up in my own mind sometimes.” He took another swig of his coffee to hide his lightly flustered expression.
“Was it about Amphoreus?” Stelle asked, finally taking a sip of her own coffee. The flavor reminded her of a gentle brush of wind.
Dan Heng swallowed. “Yes.”
“You get a look in your eyes when you’re thinking of it.” Stelle took another sip, this time longer
“You do too. It terrifies me to think of what could have been, yet it has been getting better. Logically, we should be moving forward. Yet that doesn’t necessarily mean we will in practice.” Dan Heng took a deep sigh, and stared at his mug- which was now empty, he sat it aside and turned to Stelle. “You’ve gotten better.” He noted.
“You helped a lot. Nobody else could understand.” Stelle sat her mug aside as well, although it was still half full, and turned so she was facing him as well.
“I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.” Stelle muttered. Dan Heng’s expression lay unfaltered despite his heart rate’s increase.
They sat in silence for a moment, before he replied.
“I don’t know what I would’ve done without you either. When you began to deteriorate I found myself afraid that you’d die for real this time.” Dan Heng’s voice withered, and he reached his hand for hers. Stelle quickly grabbed his hand, and squeezed it- holding it between them.
“I won’t go down so easily, after all- I am the galactic baseballer.”
Dan Heng paused for a moment, sadness leaving him.
“You’re unbelievable.” Dan Heng rolled his eyes, “it makes me glad to see you’re back to some semblance of normalcy. The world felt bleak without your cheesy humor.”
“So you’re saying you’re a fan of it?” Stelle smiled
“I’m a fan of you, I’ll always try my best to support you.” Dan Heng corrected.
Stelle slightly jumped from surprise, sheepishly attempting to cover up how much that statement hit her. “Me? I guess I see the appeal- hah. Although wouldn’t it be weird for me to be close with a fan?”
“Right. Not prudent.” He thought for a moment, and found himself drawn to something he’d thought about for a while.
“Ah, we are closer than that, are we?” Dan Heng mentioned, lacing Stelle’s fingers between his. He hesitated before doing the same with their other hands.
“I’d assume, yeah.” Stelle agreed. “Our relationship is different from the one I have with any other of the express members-“
Oh.
March had been hounding her for a while about this.
“Oh. We’re finally having this conversation?” Stelle looked to the side, and then noticed her cold coffee cup. The damned thing was cold.
“I don’t think it even classifies as a conversation, more so a confirmation of commitment.” Dan Heng followed her gaze. “You’re thinking about coffee at a time like this?”
“It’s cold.” Stelle pouted. Dan Heng laughed.
“What am I going to do with you?” He whispered.
Stelle practically jumped into his lap, extracting a sound of surprise from him. “You’re stuck with me now. March is going to be extra adamant about that. Wait until she hears about the way you ‘asked’.” Stelle giggled.
Dan Heng shook his head. “She knows that what’s in her novels does not fit me. Besides, what’s it to her anyway?”
He removed one of his hands from hers and traced her jaw with his finger. “I’d suppose this obligates you to handle me in return.”
“Eh you’re not that bad.” Stelle wrapped her arms around his neck and pecked at his cheek. “I could always spend all of my money on stellar jades and live a gambling addict.”
“Please don’t.” He pleaded.
“I won’t.” Stelle reassured, feeling her phone buzz in her pocket. She peaked at the notification, to see that March was finally awake.
“I’m going to drive her insane.” Stelle grinned mischievously.
Stelle lifted her phone and snapped a pic of the two together, and sent it to her.
She clicked it off, and the device began to blow up with notifications. It didn’t matter though, as it was soon all the way on the opposite side of the room.
“I’ll leave you to handle that later. I still have much to document.” Dan Heng smoothed out a piece of Stelle’s hair, admiring it. “I’ll still have time for you, of course.”
“Awww, thank you for including me in your busy schedule-“ Stelle quipped, but Dan Heng caught her off guard by pressing a tender, soft kiss to her lips.
“It’s no problem.” He spoke against them.