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Subaru wakes up..

He's- he must've returned right? His last memories are of him screaming, voice hoarse as he wailed against reality itself...

He must've returned, but to when? Whilst his eyes are still closed, he can tell by the noise around him he must be in a dragon carriage, there’s at least one person with him if the weight pressed against his side is anything to go by.

Subaru allows himself to open his eyes, fortunately for him, he’s graced by the sight of Emilia peering down at him, almost like an insect, indicating that she must be allowing him to borrow her lap as a pillow, although…

Emilia looks… rather exhausted, her eyes are peering at him with an emotion he can’t quite decipher, her lip is quivering, she has a twig stuck in her hair, which rouses a tug of the lips from Subaru.

He… definitely returned right? His memories would match with that, everything was- it was- the gaps shouldn’t be able to be closed. It should have been an ending. His head is killing him, the outside of the carriage seems to imply it should be daylight, but what that exactly means evades him-

He can't think of any recent memories of him in this exact position, propped up in Emilia-tan's lap, head pounding, chest tight from… perhaps strain… with a weight on his side.

Actually… upon further a shift of his vision, it seems said weight is Beatrice who… also, much like, Emilia seems rather distressed, what is he FORGETTING-

“Subaru?” Emilia’s voice rings from above, reminding Subaru of wind chimes from his childhood backyard. Subaru turns his head back to her. That look on Emilia’s face… Subaru must be forgetting something rather notable, especially if it could generate such a look from Emilia.

“Em-” Subaru tries to force out, his voice giving up partway through, like it was its own conscience entity, one which has become little more than a scared, pathetic animal, cowering in his throat.

Emilia’s expression shifts- to one of panic as she presses her hand to Subaru’s throat in an attempt to heal whatever damage is causing it to cower. Beatrice shifts higher up, tiny hand clasped in Subaru’s left. Whatever happened Subaru needs to remember-

If he wasn’t so exhausted… he’d remember… what- does he-

Beatrice, sensing his rising panic, tightens her grip and leans over his chest, essentially using him as a mattress. Emilia moves her free hand to his cheek, gently caressing it, Subaru can feel himself melting into her cool hand- his body giving into the exhaustion whilst his mind tries to still fight as Beatrice manages to force her tormented face into his field of vision.

“Rest Subaru, we won’t be back at the manor for a while, I suppose” Beatrice reassured- a subtle oath that Subaru could wake later.

And with that, Subaru could feel his mind give up on its fruitless battle as he fell back into the waves of slumber.

-

Subaru wakes up.

He's- he must've returned right? His last memories are of him in this carriage, whilst he doubts they are at the manor he’s still definitely situated on Emilia’s lap-

Subaru’s eyes snap open, and a gasp escapes him, drawing Emilia’s attention to him, she looks… somewhat better compared to his last loop- no

No this must be later, Emilia looks more put together, and with that Subaru attempts to push himse-

And the strain in his chest SWELLS like a rotting watermelon under the humid air- as the air in his lungs escapes him-

“Subaru!” Emilia shouts from above, clearly panicked by Subaru’s foolish attempt to push himself up like a bug trying to fly in the rain-

“Sorry-” the word escapes Subaru’s lips before he’s even aware of what he’s saying and before he can wrangle his tongue back under his own control-

“No! No no no! That’s enough, no apologies.” Emilia intercepts his own attempts at self-depreciation as she pushes him back into their prior position, this time with her right hand over his chest as he manages to get his lungs to fill with air.

“...I was going to say that-” Subaru attempts to get his tongue to explain himself.

“Ah!” Emilia’s left hand pinches his cheek ever so slightly, “Dunderhead…” Emilia whispers, as if it’s a heavy word.

“Nobody says ‘dunderhead’ nowadays” Subaru attempts to tease, but to no avail…

The sour expression Emilia wore earlier is back, with Subaru’s more clear mind it’s clearly something contemplative, as if she’s reading a mystery novel and attempting to fit together all the clues.

But beneath that, there’s something else, something more messy, an emotion that is liquid in its form. Something akin to grief if Subaru had to put a name to it.

Subaru, in an attempt to provide some sort of pillar, reaches his left arm up, mimicking Emilia’s own hand on his cheek.

A brush- and then a press into her cheek as they share a stare, Subaru unable to decipher the source of Emilia’s grief whilst she purses her lips, emblematic of her internal struggle to get the words out. A release of air passes through her lips. Another pause is shared between the half-elf and her knight.

“I…I told myself I’d be ready for this when you woke up…” Emilia starts, she breaks their eye contact and stares out the window, Subaru allows his left hand to crumble on top of Emilia’s right still laying on his chest, and opts to share her interest in the sky outside the carriage window, he hadn’t noticed it earlier but the moon is now out.

As Subaru moves his head back to look at Emilia’s side profile, he starts- “Emilia-tan… you don’t need to tell me if-”

“No!” Emilia responds with her head jerking back to Subaru, leaning down to ensure her face fills his field of vision, peppering his face with a slight blush as they’re close enough to be breathing the same air.

“No! No! I refuse!” she declares, as if the very idea itself is sinful. As if the mere suggestion was a brand on her soul.

Subaru feels even more lost, although… he’s a bit more stunned by how close she is, her silver hair framing her overhead, caging Subaru like a mouse.“E-Emilia-tan” Subaru squeaked under her gaze, his breath becoming tight-

“Ah!” Emilia quickly lifts her head up, shakes her head, yet continues to keep her gaze locked onto Subaru, despite the newly forming blush on her cheeks. Subaru feels his lungs exhale, as he gives her a meek smile.

“...Subaru…” Emilia tries again, “Subaru what… What do you last remember?” she tentatively begins.

Subaru isn’t sure what happened in this loop. Where his memories of a failed loop begin and where they end. He’s hoping that his work on Meili’s newest plush wasn’t erased, he hopes that him and Garfiel joking about Otto mispronouncing cushion wasn’t erased and it remains as an inside joke he HOPES-

The hand underneath Subaru’s intertwines with his own, and tightens. “Subaru…?” Emilia whispers, her voice and expression matching. Fear. Subaru feels himself blink, once, twice, thrice. Emilia’s appearance remains the same, he needs to answer, fast. No time to wallow in self-pity.

“I-... I remember…” Subaru shifts his head in Emilia’s lap, attempting to mime a thinking expression for extra emphasis. “I remember being with everyone in the manor! Beako was enjoying the Mochi Nee-sama made!”

That happened, hopefully, hopefully it wasn’t washed away, hopefully Beako got to enjoy the Mochi him and Ram had worked so hard-

“You’re lying,” Emilia states. Not a question, a fact. Her fearful voice was now instead a mask for her emotions, her face having something dark behind her eyes, a young girl wailing behind her eyes, a dam ready to burst.

Subaru needs to fix this, “I- I remember us heading out! We were heading to talk with the rest of the former royal candidates!” He was getting lucky! Not as much got erased as he had initially thought! His head was splitting open like someone had taken a mallet to it, like they wanted to feast on his innards-

The hand intertwined with his tightened, Emilia’s expression became darker, there’s more- “I remember us all enjoying dinner! Everyone went to bed that night” Subaru smiles! It was a good night, the royal selection was over yet everyone was satisfied! They all laughed and shared good company with one another! Yet as he rambles Emilia’s hand gets tighter, the child behind her eyes gets more hysterical-

“What was it for dinner…? Sorry I’ve always been bad at remembering what I had the night prior!” Subaru adds a giggle at the end for good measure, he’s lying, he used to be good at it, had to be to hold a conversation once his classmates started seeing him as the “weird kid” and it was a good space filler!

He’s no longer good at it. Dinners can melt together if you end up dying. Emilia’s expression is dark. Her grief is going to burst forward. Subaru’s failed-

“Emilia-tan… what… What do you want me to-”

“Subaru I know”

Subaru used to watch a lot of anime, read a lot of manga, and play a lot of video games. There are tropes he’s aware of. He’s thinking of that one trope in western media, where the driver slams the brake and stares at their fellow passenger right now.

“Eh?” Subaru startles. The hand intertwined with his hurts at this point, he moves his hand in a gesture to pull away, Emilia loosens her grip, but doesn’t let go. Emilia places her free hand onto his cheek like she had earlier, and traces his jaw with a finger.

“Subaru” Emilia begins, “Subaru where did you go that night? What do you last remember?”

“I- I had to save… s- someone” Subaru decides on. Emilia stares at him, a silence between them, her expression essentially keeping the door open for him, beckoning him to continue, to pass through. “I- promised- and well-” he forces a laugh, it’s unconvincing.

“I- I left the building, I started going and-” Subaru feels nauseous but- “Well- I got where I needed to be- I- it- I didn’t really think I just did-” Subaru was vaguely aware of the time of what he was doing, who he was leaving behind, but he had to- she- “and by the time- I was- well aware- I- there was no turning back.” Subaru can’t continue the words are too much. He never reset this- this is!

“Subaru” Emilia blinks, she’s holding strong, she knows. She knows. SHE KNOWS-

“E- Em-” she knows he’s a fraud- a pathetic CHILD who did all of this- who MANIPULATED-

The hand holding Subaru’s tightens, clearly Emilia’s-

“Subaru… that’s enough.” she whispers, her grief is overflowing the dam, she’s crying, the dam hasn’t broken yet, just overflowing.

Clearly whatever dam she has in place is generating energy, as she repositions Subaru and her, she’s slow with it, Subaru feels far away, like someone else is piloting. He’s not sure he can even say anything.

They end up both sitting up, Subaru still aches, but the physical pain is nothing at this point, it’s grounding, it’s helpful. His head is killing him.

“Subaru it’s been… a week”

What?

“Subaru I was reallyyyyyyy worried” Emilia adds, she stares at him, both of her hands on his shoulders, “I knew something was up and it was reallyyyyy bad, something that you felt you had to do” she swallows, Subaru wants to answer but- “You left a note. You did, you told us to not worry. I just. I felt something had to be wrong, you wouldn’t have left Beatrice behind, you wouldn’t just leave, not unless it was something reallyyyyyy bad.” she ends.

She looks away, clearing away some of the tears and snot that are building up. “Subaru… I- I’m feeling a lot. Especially after…” there’s a pause “do you remember screaming?” she inquires.

Subaru gives a shrug, he remembers the sensation of screaming, of wailing in his little hole he had dug himself, a nice place to be buried, in his own mind, but he wanted to stay, to remain in the warmth the Emilia camp had given such a pathetic person such as-

“It… it wasn’t pretty…” Emilia sniffles again, she’s not a pretty crier, at least right now she isn’t, Subaru would likely find it cute, if he could feel past the terror gripping his heart right now.

“... Subaru… You can say it now…” Emilia stares at him, the tears are starting to slow, she makes a weak smile, one that you give someone to tell them it’s going to be okay now. “Subaru you’re no longer under a Taboo.”

Wait.

“Emilia I-” Subaru begins, he lifts his left palm and places it near his heart, and grips, Emilia grabs his open right with her left, and intertwines them once more. Her right lays on Subaru’s knee, already massaging comforting circles into his muscle.

“Emila I can-” Subaru tries, but the terror grips his heart and he can feel his throat tighten preemptively, ready for punishment.

Emilia’s staring, she’s not crying, the embodiment of a leader, holding strong when those need it most, Subaru feels even more pathetic. Her tear tracks are starting to dry at least.

Subaru’s throat feels dry, despite being hydrated. “I can Re-” the words feel sinful, although Subaru supposes they are.

He laughs, not because this is funny, but because there’s only one sentence he CAN say, the one sentence he always wanted to say, but he’s still scared, he knows Emilia isn’t lying, he’s sure of that. It still just doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like he’s real.

Emilia tightens her hand, she knows what he wants to say, she wants him to say it, she wants him to walk out of this cage, he wants to he’s scared to.

“Emilia-tan I can Return by Death”

Subaru feels his throat tighten, the hand he himself has on his heart grips into the fabric of his garb, Emilia presses into the muscle of his knee, enough to ache, but in a pleasant way, their intertwined hands are tight, and he’s probably hurting Emilia with his death grip but-

“Emilia I can Return by Death” the sentence can be said, it can be said! Subaru can confess, spill his guts, expose the rot in his very core.

“Return by Death, Return by Death, Return by Death, Return by Death, Return by Death!” the cursed phrase pulled from his lips, Subaru found himself spitting it out again and again, like a child spitting out rotten food. The horror from it all piloting his body instead as he found both his hands free, now moving to sink into his forearms, distantly he was aware that he shouldn’t be doing this in front of Emilia but the revulsion ended up drowned out by pure mania.

Emilia’s distant cries fail to register to his frenzied mind, as blood leaks under his nails, his voice going hoarse once more from his repeated mantra, as he coughs on his own saliva. A bite of his own tongue could be felt as his delirium ran its course. Subaru could faintly feel Emilia’s palms on his back massaging up and down as a bid to get his mind free from its own hysteric bindings.

Subaru could perceive himself wheezing as he managed to get his voice back under his sane mind’s control. He swallows his own saliva, somehow despite his hysteria he’d managed to not draw blood from his tongue if the perceived lack of iron in his mouth was anything to go by.

Emilia, clearly out of her element, moved her hands down to heal the damage Subaru inflicted on his forearms, likely thinking it to be just a product of Subaru’s rather embarrassing breakdown, meanwhile Subaru pushed onwards with his mangled mess of a confession, “Emilia, I can Return by Death” he begun once more, desperately wanting to get the full sinful admission out, “I can Return by Death, when… when I die” he could feel himself choking on the word, “when- when I die, I go back to a set point in time” he’s still feels miles away, he can’t believe this isn’t some sort of, end of life dream his brain decided to cook up, but it can’t be, it wouldn’t be this… freeing.

Emilia purses her lips, satisfied by the work on Subaru’s forearms she focuses her gaze back onto Subaru’s, and allows her hands to slip back into Subaru’s, allowing both of their hands to be threaded together. She looks determined, like Subaru’s the final boss of some video game. She seems to want him to continue, to get out any lingering feelings, so Subaru opts to continue, “It… it, before you met me” Subaru decides on, “before…that, I’d met you” Emilia eyes widen, slotting a puzzle piece into place, “and…”

“Subaru… I-” Emilia tries, looking dizzy almost with the implication, the hands between the two of them become tighter, the both of them tighten their death grips on one another. “The alleyway…” Subaru decides to clarifies, “We met there, I was being robbed, you were the first person in this world that…” he lets the words peter out, not knowing what that implies, as he swallows, his words like a tangled knot, like a charger cord he would’ve used for his DS as a kid-

“It- it was Elsa, I didn’t know who she was, obviously” Subaru feels a tug of the lungs, inhale, he lets his hands relax, trying to soothe Emilia, “I just- I- Rom was already- not sure about Felt” he can’t help but once more clutch at Emilia’s hands in his “but- I wanted to stop you from coming in and-!” and exhale.

“Subaru- I- you- it’s not- that’s-” Emilia attempts, before finding her positioning, “It’s- not your fault, that wasn’t… why… why didn’t you-” she shakes her head, and strengthens her resolve, leaning forward as she attempts to finish, “Why didn’t you run? Get far away from here, use your knowledge from- from- from beyond the Great Waterfall to just-”

Subaru lets out a weak huff, finding since it was so long, even longer for himself, it’s just… there now “Would you believe me if I said it took me a few tries to even figure out what was happening?” he replies, opting to look away from Emilia as he confesses, “I just thought I forgot something, and you were back at the loot house and- well, Rom was alive then, things… went differently, I guess…” as Subaru turns to face her once more she looks confused, likely realizing that time neither of them had even met, “and well, I learn things, was more… aware of dying that time” Emilia shivers at that.

“Then, well I was just- well confused, made a few mistakes… uh- failed a few times, then after that I realized, and well, decided to call it… Return by Death” Subaru opts to slide past that death, it was so pathetic and rather meaningless in the long run, all Subaru had managed to do was call Emilia-

“So then why-” Emilia presses, leaning back again to give him room, as Subaru contests- “It- I wanted to help you” Emilia seems… conflicted by that answer so Subaru clarifies, “Sure you had saved me- and I know later on I-” Subaru cringes at that memory, of how entitled he had been back then “But thinking back even then I just- I wanted to help, I wanted to be in your orbit if that makes any sense.”

Emilia looks bewildered, Subaru opts to add, “I… I was a lonely kid… I- kinda sucked at making friends, honestly I still do-” Subaru lets out a cough, “and well, I mean, some pretty girl helps you out, despite you being the weird one and you get attached you know?”

Emilia looks… horrified if Subaru had to choose a word, “Su-Subaru…” Emilia practically creaks, “And well, yeah I know, I’m well aware that’s a kinda silly reason but…well I wanted to help you? Because I wanted to and I mean- yeah sure I felt indebted to, you did save me but, I also just wanted to help, I- maybe that makes me manipulative, or a fraud but-”

Emilia let out a gasp at that last part, as if she had been burned, and shook her head, “No- no- Subaru no- just no- I- I never wanted you to feel indebted or-”

Subaru starts pushing against that, like a bull seeing red, “Oh! No worries! The first time we met you told me something similar, or well, you made it out to seem like you- well that you got something out of me, quite literally having no information so-”

“Subaru- I- I never wanted- I just- I wanted you to be-”

“And yeah I was being foolish later, I acted like you owed me- when well- that wasn’t- well-”

“...Su-”

“And well- I mean- I wasn’t really- I wasn’t thinking clearly-”

“...”

“And? Emilia-tan?”

In Subaru’s rambling he hadn’t realized, Emilia looked, baffled for lack of a better term, or well, baffled is the most clear emotion, she also looks devastated, horrified, and hysterical as he tries to understand how she’s feeling in that moment.

“Subaru… I- you never- I don’t think… you ever were manipulative, not to me or-”

“Emilia-tan… I asked your name for a reason, I didn’t know it” Subaru lets out, Emilia looks confused at that, but he opts to dodge her silent question “Nor did I know how to cure a curse” at that Emilia lets out a a breath “...or where the White Whale was. Emilia-tan… I don’t know things, I learn them” Subaru emphasizes, trying to make it crystal clear what Emilia needed to realize, and as her eyes stared at his deathly serious-

“Subaru that doesn’t make you manipulative” Emilia states, with no room to argue, “It just… it makes… well if I had to admit it makes me rather sad, and… angry.”

“Angry?” Subaru inquires, his gut twisting with a feeling, something unpleasant.

“Angry… because all of this- you- I wanted… I wasn’t… I know I wasn’t always dependable, and I know that we all… we all noticed you struggled to rely on others, Rem, Garfiel, Otto, Ram, Beatrice… myself. We all noticed it but-” Emilia breathes, like the air itself could give her strength to fully articulate everything she is feeling, “But… you couldn’t- that Taboo- you- we could have never, truly, helped you- I wanted to help you, you are mine to cherish, to love to protect and yet-” Emilia lets out a weak sob, her tears flowing once again.

Subaru, can’t bring himself to respond, knowing the words that’ll come out might just make it harder for Emilia, he remains quiet, opting instead to massage his thumbs into her own hands.

“And I know, I know it wasn’t your fault, or well, you not telling us wasn’t your fault and none of this- none of this is something that could’ve been avoided, maybe at best mitigated but definitely not avoided- at least by the time you and I met-” Emilia exclaims, “But I just- I’m angry and hurt and I feel like a little girl again, painfully unaware of everything! Not just of what the future holds but of what- of what happened!” Emilia weeps, winter chimes falling to the ground, making a noise that makes Subaru flinch.

“I want to know everything, but I know that’s not- you might- I don’t- I know it’s not going to happen- I want to understand who you were, who you were forced to become, who you actually are Subaru! I want to know you fully and truly because-” Emilia laments, her emotions spilling over the rim of a glass.

“Because, despite the fact I feel like- I truly do love you- I feel like I don’t- I feel like I’ve fallen in love with someone I don’t know well enough” Emilia forces out, “I think I understand now, that feeling you claim to feel, that feeling you refer to as love, but- I feel like- I feel like I fell in love once I saw you hurting, and- I don’t want to treat you as a project- or-” Emilia stammers.

Subaru’s heart is pounding, his mind can’t fully understand how Emilia could see these parts of himself and find them appealing, find them lovable but-

“Emilia-tan-”

“No! Let me finish!” Emilia interrupts, “I- I don’t think- I- I feel like- I’m getting to know you- and- I want to- I want to cherish you- my knight- as- as someone I love a lot! And because of that- I want to help you! Not ah-” Emilia looks shocked, like her brain is catching up with her tongue. Her head turns away with a bashful expression reminding Subaru of a school girl in a romance anime he watched oh so long ago.

“...This is not how I wanted to express this…” Emilia murmurs, allowing herself to catch her breath after essentially spouting all her feelings. Giving a nod to herself, Emilia turns back to Subaru, her deadly serious expression back, “But… I’m being honest, I don’t- not right now- I want to help you not as a liege and her knight, not as lovers, but as just- as Emilia and Subaru, I want to know everything you’ll find the strength to tell me and I want to find a way for us both to- to find that happy end as you put it!”

Subaru finds it difficult to reply, like he’s both been held close and punched in the gut, he was getting pretty sure that whatever happy end they found would end with him having to leave her but now that his fate as a sacrificial lamb has been prevented… He feels… guilty, like he didn’t really deserve this, not only that- the memories of a timeline long since erased are flashing behind every stunned blink- Subaru needs to stay in this moment- unloading any of this anguish onto Emilia-tan would be-!

“Subaru?” Emilia says, likely as a result of Subaru not responding, “Is someth-”

Subaru closes the blinds of the windows to the soul, leaving him vulnerable to the past, he shakes his head and laughs answering- “No! No no, not at all Emilia-tan!” a shitty shattered mask plastered on his face, his eyes looking almost hollow as he opens them to try to sell his facade, “I just- well, hm, I’m not really sure how a guy’s suppos-”

“Subaru.” Emilia interjects, eyes piercing through Subaru’s very being, clearly not falling for Subaru’s masquerade, “I don’t want ‘a guy’s’ response, I want Subaru’s response.”

Subaru finds himself unable to give her said response, no he can just stare.

“And if you don’t have one right now… That’s fine! You waited for a long time for me as well, and well, I’m not… I’m not a total dunderhead- I know you still love me, that much is clear” Emilia smiles, a sweet one, like the one he’d managed to get from her so long ago on their first date, it makes his heart feel full.

“Emilia-tan… I- I’m not- fully sure what… ‘Subaru’s response’ would be” he answers, allowing himself to stare at his forearms, “I wasn’t… really sure I would be able to get to the point to hear your response, considering, well, yeah… And now that I have, I- I feel a bit lost, I assure you I still- I adore you, I really do, from the way you laugh to the way you get angry, to the times where you get caught up in your head to the times where you stand strong and just- just tell people what they need to hear. From that first day where you opted to save me, and continued to shower me with concern I felt treasured, and I knew even if you never reciprocated I would be satisfied just trying to get you to achieve your goals.”

Subaru breathes in before finishing his messy response, “and- I- I do want to know why you fell in love with this Subaru, and I can’t, I can’t really find it in myself to love him, I don’t think I have for a very long, time, long before I even met you, I wanted to be someone else, and even with everything I was so tempted to just- throw him away, but everyone kept insisting that there was something worth treasuring and I- I still can’t claim to see him but… what type of idiot would I be if I threw something away that people loved? And well, as a result, I guess, I’m trying to say, I get it, you want to get to know this Subaru, the one who– well I guess- hid from you for so long, and whilst I can’t claim to get it, I want to learn why you love him so- I guess- is that…” Subaru finds himself staring back at Emilia’s face, trying to get her to understand-

Emilia looks conflicted, “I… I want to teach you why I love him, I do, and I will… but in that case, I want you to promise me something.” she states, “I want you to promise me to not hurt him, to not just hate that Subaru, because, well he means a lot to mean, he stood by my side, and he listened to me, and treated me as Emilia, just Emilia, and that meant so much to me, and I want that Subaru, and the Subarus who all… died, trying to just, survive and protect everyone, to feel love, and not just mine, but all the camps’, and… especially your own love. I want to teach you what I see and I want to learn more about you!” by the end Emilia has tears streaming down her face, clearly overwhelmed by the flood of emotions, but still holding strong, allowing said flood to become energy she uses to fight for what she wants.

“Okay” Subaru manages, “Okay I- I can’t- I suck at keeping promises as you know-”

“I doubt I know that, seeing as there’s likely context accessible to me now, I want to reassess that” Emilia intercepts, her eyes demonstrating a clear understanding of her lack of information.

“...I mean I am, I suck at keeping them, that much has always been true, I want to, and I fear I’ll break this one so-”

“It’s okay” Emilia says

“I- huh?”

“It’s okay if you happen to break it, I’m not asking for perfection, I just- I want you to try to not break it… Maybe I should’ve worded that better…” Emilia peters off, deciding to look away as her bashfulness returns.

“I- okay, I can promise that” Subaru replies assuredly, despite his nervous stammering.

“Okay, Subaru, I’m glad” Emilia cheerfully responds, clearly understanding his nervousness as a result of his situation and not a lack of resolve.

A beat passes, then another, as they both let their hands fall to their lap, spilling out, grounding and comforting for the both of them, before Emilia speaks once more, “Subaru- I’m sure… you’re exhausted still. It’s been… rough, not just this conversation but, well everything, and after all of that, I don’t think I want to force anything out of you… I don’t think anyone will want to for a while at least, at most they might- well might want to have a conversation, just to understand you, and where they need to meet you-” Emilia explains, satisfied for the time being, “but well, at this point- I’m sure you’re exhausted and anything else I would have to say can wait for now, and well that is to say, would you like-”

“Subaru!” cries a high pitched voice cries out behind Subaru, coming from the carriage’s entrance, “I-”

“Beako!” Subaru turns to face the small spirit who’s now just getting back from- wait actually-

“Ah! That’s right…” Emilia begins, “Beatrice was insistent whilst you were out that she was to learn all of your favorite meals” Emilia giggles, Subaru can feel his heart swell with appreciation as Beatrice runs over to him and he makes room for her in his lap, “What was that one dish…” Emilia peters off, mind wandering.

Beatrice is quiet as she gets herself settled in Subaru’s lap, leaning back as she basks in his presence. Subaru finds himself wanting to knit something as a gift or apology for her… though he doubts he’d be able to get a sewing needle and some cloth to work with right now.

So he lets himself fall into a peaceful silence, he can’t find it in himself to start a conversation, there’s a nagging part of him screaming to fill the silence, just so he can’t think but well- he’ll shut it up by…

“Emilia-tan… hm… Do you have a story you could share” it’s clumsy, and an obvious plea for any sort of distraction but Subaru hopes Emilia understands what exactly he’s asking for with his request.

“Hm… Did I ever tell you what I was doing on that day we met?” Emilia inquires, and now that Subaru thinks on it, she never did, he was so caught up trying to make it out alive or just getting to know everyone in that week after they met so it kinda fell by the wayside.

He gives her a shake of the head, and she looks… happy almost, as she starts to talk, luckily aware that Subaru is less listening and more basking in her voice, an unspoken request to tell this story again later once Subaru has more energy as he finds himself focusing on her, his aches and strains melt into the background as he relaxes.

Being so caught up in the moment, Subaru doesn’t notice the sudden look in Emilia’s eyes as she interrupts herself, “I’m going to go check on everyone else in the camp… Is that alright?” Emilia starts to get up, clearly wanting to give the two some space for… whatever conversation they need to have.

“We’ll be alright Emilia-tan!” Subaru exclaims, giving a signature thumbs up. Beatrice makes a similar pose, though much less extravagant.

Emilia responds with a smile and nod as she gracefully leaves the carriage, heading outside to return to the rest of the camp, whilst Subaru turns to look at Beatrice, her back turned and her shoulders now starting to shake.

“Beako,” Subaru tentatively begins, nervousness making him carefully consider his words, “Did you finish that book you were reading?” he tries, wanting to make Beatrice comfortable, and dreading the inevitable conversation the two of them will need to have.

“...Betty finished it last week” she responds, clearly trying to suggest that she wants to have this conversation now, but still allowing Subaru an out, Subaru refuses to let her down, so he asks-

“How was it?”

“...It was good, I… I wish I had gotten to finish it with you” Beatrice laments, Subaru allows himself to wrap both hands around Beatrice like a teddy bear.

It’s oh so selfish, but Subaru’s glad he can’t see her face, he’s barely holding it together himself if his foggy vision is anything to go by.

“Subaru” Beatrice tries, Subaru’s aware she’s going to struggle to ask, he’s not sure how he should answer her. Though, perhaps he should start with this.

Subaru lets his head fall on top of Beatrice’s, clearly spooking the small spirit as she tenses up, awaiting his next words, “Beatrice. I can Return by Death” Beatrice maneuvers her own small hands to Subaru’s forearms even more tightly wrapped around her form, likely allowing her own mind to think about Subaru’s Authority.

“When I die” Subaru feels himself still choking on the forbidden words, even after his earlier breakdown this still feels like something that should be impossible, “I return back to a set point in time” the explanation feels heavy, like he’s underselling it which he supposes he is in some ways.

Beatrice is quiet as she thinks about how she should ask her questions, “Subaru… When we first met…was that-” she croaks out, likely having these thoughts bounce around her head since whenever she first learned of Return by Death’s existence.

“Well, when I woke up, that day in the manor, I’d not met Rem and Ram yet” Subaru answers, able to sound light when reminiscing here as long as he doesn’t think how that first loop had ended, “and I felt I should look around so- well I ended up in and library and…” at the time neither him and Beatrice had any idea how close they would end up, it’s just funny at this point, even if the mana drain hurt like a bitch at the time.

Subaru finds himself laughing at the memory, it’s sweet, sweeter than most, since it stuck. Beatrice notices the laugh that came from him and opts to turn around, revealing her watery eyes, trying much like him to hold it together.

“After that… Well… I figured it out eventually” Subaru adds, giving a small weak huff to hide his inner turmoil as well as not wanting to think about that first loop at the manor, of what he lost. Of what will foreve-

“No” Beatrice whispers, cutting him off from his own thoughts, her look becoming more determined, “No, No in fact!” she exclaims, ensuring Subaru’s eyes are locked onto her increasingly distraught expression, “I want to know it all! Every time in fact! From the peaceful moments to the violent ones I suppose!”

Subaru finds himself taken aback, and… horrified, she- he knows she doesn’t want to know, and hell Subaru himself hates to think about he betrayed them all so many times in Vollachia and even prior to that-

“I want to know! I want to-” she chokes on her words, tears now flowing freely, “Betty wants to know she wants to be able to share those experiences with her contractor please- please” her pleas petter out, being replaced by heartwrenching sobs, unable to hold herself together.

Subaru feels out of his depth, but the sound of Beatrice’s cries wrenches his heart so he attempts to hold her close, guiding her weeps into his chest, he’s not sure what to say that’ll comfort her- telling her the truth is too much, and he doubts he could lie his way through, especially now that everyone is going to be taking him much more seriously he’s sure.

It hurts, to be seen, he wanted this for so long but even then he knew it would be as much as a blessing, an ugly ugly part of him is satisfied seeing Beatrice’s tears feeling grieved for ails a deep sinful part he tucks away as to not hurt anyone. He doesn’t want to feed that part of him, he doesn’t want it to control his voice, nor his thoughts, he isn’t sure what to do here.

But he is aware of how he wants Beatrice to feel, he wants her to be angry, not for him, but at him, how DARE he leave her behind like he did, how dare he get away with manipulating her-

No but instead she’s weeping, maybe some of that is anger, but he’s angry at himself for not just this but leaving her behind when he promised time and time again he wouldn’t. He can’t forgive himself for this, never for this.

Beatrice continues to weep into his chest, her sobs shaking Subaru’s very core, he needs to say something so- “Beako… I- I betrayed all of you, I’m sure you can piece that together” he starts, he needs her to understand what he’s done to her, he’s hurt her so many times, maybe intentionally maybe not maybe a bit of both but still, “Time and time again I left you behind, and I just did once more, at the time I presumed for good.”

Subaru, massages a heart shape into her back, focusing on drawing the shape rather than his own thoughts as he continues, “I want you to be angry, Beako, you deserve to be angry, I- I never wanted to leave you behind sure but that’s what kept-”

Beatrice weeps at that, as she shouts, “I don’t care! I don’t care! Betty still wants to know! She’s angry, yes! But she’s more hurt than anything else in fact!” she’s practically falling apart in Subaru’s chest, begging for him to let her in, to just trust her.

Subaru’s petrified, Beatrice shouldn’t have to deal with his sins, his mistakes, she doesn’t deserve to have to deal with his rotting being, he wants to keep her far away from all of this- not-

“Subaru, please- please I know I haven’t- I wasn’t able to-” Beatrice chokes, “I wasn’t able to protect you but-”

What?

“But please, please let me in don’t- I know I’ve been a bad partner but-”

“No!” Subaru snaps, “No! Beako, No no no no.” He can feel his hands clench into her dress, “Beako, never- never have you been at fault for any of this- I-” Subaru can feel himself panicking his tongue once more running far ahead of his brain “Beako- I never blamed you for any of this- god you were the third person I ever tried to tell- I wanted to tell you so bad, everytime I woke you up- I just- I felt awful and you’ve had all of this placed on you when-” Subaru breathes in air running dry as he rambles “I just wanted you to be able to be a young girl who was finally free from her prison.”

“I don’t want to suffocate you even more, not even just you but… Emilia-tan and the rest of them” Subaru tries, his heart pounding, his mind raw and hurting from it all, a desperate wish to just protect those who accepted him as him.

Beatrice sobs once more into his chest before pulling back finally, “Subaru, Subaru, you- Betty promised to stand beside you, she meant that, she wants to be there for you, she wants to be there when you’re hurting- or sick- or even when you’re happy in fact.” Beatrice gives a shake of her head, removing a hand from Subaru’s garbs and wipes her still flowing tears and gives Subaru a look he can’t decipher, “Please let Betty stand beside you, she can stand beside you can still enjoy her sweets and be your contracted spirit in fact!.”

“Beako… I can’t- I don’t want to hurt you with everything- I’m still not sure how to talk to everyone about things I’ve seen and lost- it’s a mess and-”

“That’s okay in fact!” Beatrice interrupts, “It’s fine if you struggle, or if you need to take breaks, or if you cry, Betty will grieve with you, she’s wanted to for so long, to be let into her contractor’s most heinous memories, to learn what haunted him, and she finally gets it and-”

“Beako!” Subaru yells, “Beako, I don’t want you doing this out of guilt or shame, or fear, or- any of that!” Subaru shifts both his hands to her shoulders, she looks so small like this, would this have been how his mother would’ve comforted him had he’d been open with them?

“Beatrice, it’s- a lot. I’m not- that insane-” he huffs, “I’m not insane enough to be unaware how… gory my memories are, let alone how distressing most of them are. I can’t-”

“But you can! Betty’s sure of it- she knows it- she wants to be let in, and she’s- she’s already aware they must be violent- and-” she cries, and she’s right Subaru supposes but- if she’s doing this out of guilt then-

“Beatrice.” Subaru breaths, “You are the best contracted Spirit I could’ve asked for, and not just because you’re adorable” he states, trying to get his love across, “Not just because of that, but because even when you see me at night, trapped in some of my worst moments, digging into my own-” he forces himself to take a breath, not wanting to finish that sentence, “you remained by my side those nights, not disgusted, not horrified, just worried” Subaru feels a self-deprecating smile paint his face “Even when I couldn’t find it in myself to love myself, or when I was unable to see myself, or scared, or- whatever, just having you by my side, having your unconditional love meant the world Beako.”

“And as a result, I can’t stand by and let my dearest little sister hate herself, even if that makes me a hypocrite” Subaru ends.

Beatrice seems… overwhelmed with emotion at that as she pushes herself back into Subaru torso, “Betty gets it, she hates when Subaru can’t see how much she loves her in fact, but she doesn’t want Subaru to deal with those thoughts alone so she tries to refute them in fact… She- Emilia was saying how she was angry that- perhaps, your Authority hurt your ability to love yourself, and I- it clicked when she said that I suppose. That you couldn’t- that you always had different context- and even with some new context- Betty doesn’t see your achievements as less in fact” she weeps, “Betty sees them as more bloody, but not lesser, I suppose” she clarifies.

Subaru wishes he could argue with that, hell he has an argument nestled deep in his chest about how he manipulated so many people, and a part of him hates that they just don’t understand that.

They’ll never understand what it feels like to see someone cry over your dying body, to take your own life in front of someone you love, all for “the greater good” as you tell yourself that you won’t let anyone die.

Subaru hates that he resorted to that, hates that he ever did that to his Beako, forgot about the people who will grieve when he dies, but he’s here now, with those painful memories forever lodged into his chest.

But, he’s aware that Beatrice can handle it, even if she grieves, she won’t be grieving out of pity, but out of pure unconditional love for her brother who ripped her from her cage, kicking and screaming. As much as she looks at it, she’s not a little girl, she’s a Great Spirit who was caged by her own greedy mother. Much like how Subaru was caged by the Witch herself.

Plus… he promised Emilia he’ll try to love Subaru, and… wouldn’t that mean letting his precious sister… in? Somewhat at least?

“Okay Beako.” he soothes, “I’ll… try, to explain everything, it’s going to take a while and I can’t- I doubt I remember every detail” aside from each of his deaths, his memory opting to remember the pain and agony rather than the feelings of sun on his skin more often than not, though that isn’t to say he can’t remember broad strokes, “But I can- I can try to get it all out, though it will be slow going, probably will be like pulling teeth but-” Subaru stammers out

Beatrice moves to look him in the eyes, her butterfly pupils glimmering with the last of her tears, “That’s- that’s okay in fact. Betty understands that memories are fickle, she’s more- she more wants to know what Subaru has going on in his mind, what has been planted there that she never knew or remembers I suppose.”

Subaru can manage that, although, “You’ll tell me if you need a break right?” he asserts, “I get it. Obviously at the time, I wasn’t gonna get a break, but this is supposed to be therapeutic? Not just that, but it’s supposed to be informative and if you need a break you need one.”

“Betty… will try to ask for breaks, that is. She isn’t sure when she’ll need one I suppose”

“That’s alright, how about this, I’ll… try to make predecided breaks myself, but as we talk you can ask for more, we can even discuss emotions here and there to just- break the pace if that makes sense” Subaru suggests, he knows how hard it can be to set limits, he himself is a great example of how not to, so he wants Beatrice at the very least to learn, and maybe this could teach her how to, well he hopes so at least.

So then… Now what? Subaru is forced to ask himself, he’s now staring at Beatrice the two of them just… staring at one another.

“Should… Beako are you ready now? I… I’m exhausted but I did give Emilia a brief explanation of my first day in Lugunica but well…” he looks away shame flaring up, “It… uh, it wasn’t perfect, I mean I got there! I just- well” Subaru gives a shrug hoping he can shake off all that shame that’s eating him whole.

“No, no it’s fine, Betty’s sorry for pushing Subaru in fact” she replies. Subaru finds himself looking back at her, she’s no longer crying but her tear tracks are still wet so Subaru finds himself helping to wipe some of them away with his thumb as she continues, “I want to know, but I think it would be best for Subaru to tell Betty later when he hasn’t just woken up from everything, I suppose”

Subaru can deal with that, but he knows that due to well, everything he’s going to need-

“Betty assumes you’ll need a distraction then, well in that case, Betty will tell you about her culinary experiences I suppose”

And that was that. Subaru chose to bask in Beatrice’s presence as she detailed her last experience in attempting to replicate barbeque. Eventually his arms found his way around her waist in a display of appreciation of her efforts.

By the time Beatrice had finished Emilia had returned, with dinner for all three of them, some of Ram’s steamed potatoes which he deeply appreciated, it’s been a while since he’d had it.

As he finished he found himself listening to Emilia’s retelling of what happened whilst she was out, he’s glad she was doing so since he was finding himself nodding off whilst sitting up, at some point nearly falling asleep as Emilia made a noise jolting him awake.

“Ah! Subaru… Sorry to bore you…” Emilia states as she stares at Subaru’s exhausted face, his headache from earlier coming back as he fights off the waves of exhaustion crashing down on dirtied shores.

“No no. Emilia-tan” he softly answers, he can’t even be sure if his words are slurred together at this point, he’s that exhausted, but a part of him is scared to rest like always. Beatrice is staring at him from her spot in his lap, having focused on Emilia but changing her focus as Emilia shifts the conversation to Subaru.

“Subaru…” Beatrice begins, “Betty and Emilia can set up the bed if you’d like to rest I suppose”

That… sounds nice actually, of course it won’t fix the anxiety induced insomnia but, well it couldn’t hurt, he gives an affirmative sound, leading to Beatrice leaving his lap and Emilia getting up as well to prepare a spot for him to actually rest in the carriage.

Whilst the two girls do that Subaru finds himself staring outside, the moon is out, and looks rather gorgeous, he doesn’t think he ever got used to the stars in this world, despite him not even remembering all the stars of his own.

It’s... rather depressing staring outside, he finds himself thinking of his parents, and whilst he’s sure that he’s grown past that young boy who first found himself in Legunica, he shivers thinking of some of his more than cringeworthy past mistakes, he still doesn’t think of himself anywhere near his father nor his mother.

Thinking about them makes his heart wrench, a homesick feeling clawing itself out of his chest, numbed slightly by his aches and general sleepiness. He hopes he dreams of his family tonight, even a nightmare about them would be pleasant he’s sure.

He fears he’s forgotten their faces at this point, what did they look like in Echinda’s trial? At that he realizes it’s been nearly 3 years ago at this point. He’s at least able to remember what his school uniform looked like, though at this juncture he just finds it more infuriating than anything else.

“Subaru…?” Emilia breaks him from his thoughts as he finds himself letting out a yelp, she looks apologetic as she reaches her hand out to him.

Subaru finds himself taking it as she leads him to the makeshift bed, Beatrice already prepared when-

“Subaru, would it be alright if I joined you and Beatrice tonight?” Emilia asks, her eyes showing no sign of what her preference would be.

“Mhm… I’m- actually well, it’s fine but… I might wake you up” Subaru replies, his mind reminding him at the last minute of his awful sleep habits, he can feel Beatrice tense next to him, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Emilia.

“Hmmm, well maybe I can help as well, Beatrice is that alright with you?” Emilia answers, still standing above the two of them.

“If it’s fine with Betty’s contractor she’s fine with it too I suppose” Beatrice says, as she starts to curl up in Subaru’s arms, practically using him as a pillow much like when he awoke the first time.

“Alright, in that case I’m going to change, I’ll do so out of view”

Subaru throws a thumbs up to that as he turns away his face focused on Beatrice’s small form in his arms, he holds her close like a plush from his childhood, if he’s tired enough he could pretend he’s back in Japan, falling asleep holding a toy like a kid again, unfortunately for him Return by Death comes with a desperate need to be aware of one’s surroundings so no dice.

Whilst Subaru is turned away from her, he can still sense Emilia’s presence through Cor Leonis, not just her either, he can sense other members of the Emilia camp nearby, neutralizing some of his paranoia towards the others feelings.

Subaru hears Emilia taking her place behind him, he’s expecting her to just lay next to him but he’s surprised when she opts to hold Subaru and Beatrice as well.

“E-” he tries, getting cut off by his own flustered emotions.

“Subaru, is this alright?” Emilia inquires, her face pressed into Subaru’s shoulderblade as she speaks, leading her voice to reverberate through Subaru’s body. He opts to give an affirmative hum in response, not sure if he could give a dignified response in his flustered, tired, and frenzied state.

He lets himself drift, his thoughts still wandering back to his parents, he’s stricken by the grief of never seeing them again, it’s not uncommon but he’s sure all of… whatever this is has brought the two of them back to the front of his mind.

Beatrice shifts, and whilst he isn’t looking, he’s sure she’s looking at him, piercing butterfly pupils seeing into his very soul, “Subaru? What’s wrong?” he can hear her whisper, still loud enough for Emilia to hear behind him.

“Mm, it’s… nothing much really” he deflects, not wanting to push their sleep back any further, though if he was more awake he’d see how idiotic this attempt was by now.

“Subaru…” Emilia whines behind him “If it’s on your mind now of all times, I doubt it’s truly nothing much as you say”

“Just…mm, thinking of my parents I guess” he surrenders, “It’s… I saw them in Echnida’s trial, if you include that, it’s been nearly three years”

“Oh. I- hm” Emilia seems deep in thought at that, “What were they like? I only remember my parents from when I was quite young, and then Puck for the rest, I’m not sure what they’d be like…”

Subaru mulls on it, how could he explain Kenichi and Naoko Natsuki to someone from quite literally another world? He’s done it before with Beatrice but even then, they’re- well, they’re the people he misses most, so almost all his descriptions feel inadequate to everything they were to him.

“They…” Subaru clutches the fabric of Beatrice’s dress, unfeeling the insufficient descriptions already building on his tongue, “They loved me very much, more than I honestly deserved at the time.” he murmurs, his drowsiness loosening his tongue as he reflects.

“I was… a weird kid, sucked at befriending people, probably came off too clingy, or possessive, I was basically trying too hard at friendship” he explains, “Made the others, slink away… eventually, anyway point is…” he shifts a bit, past anxieties from going to school being brought to the present, “I eventually just… stopped going, to school that is. Which probably doesn’t make sense to you, but… think of it as someone no longer participating in society at large I guess” he clarifies, feeling self-conscious speaking about all of this.

Beatrice curls closer to Subaru, already hearing bits and pieces of this story before, she’s always had difficulty believing her contractor struggled making friend’s Subaru’s aware, but well, it’s not always that simple as Subaru’s already painfully aware.

“Subaru…” Beatrice condoles, her small palms massaging the area between his arms and torso. He can feel Emilia as well wrap herself tighter around him.

“I… I remember the night I left, I didn’t wash the dishes, despite Mom asking me to” Subaru meekly answers, the pain gnawing at his chest, it’s always so simple, and yet he remembers it so clearly, even more after- the library. Subaru finds himself curling up, growing smaller at the confession as the waves of guilt crash onto rocky shores.

“It’s… Subaru it’s- I’m sorry” Emilia croaks, unable to do much more than to share Subaru’s grief. An egg taken from its nest far too soon, she slips a hand into Subaru’s hair as she plays with the strands still loose from the recent events.

It’s all too much, Subaru feels his anguish from his undesired transportation bubble from the depths once more, yet despite the wave of agony he can’t even cry as his body’s numb from all the tears he’s already shed.

He finds himself continuing despite the tugging at his heart, “Mom was a bit of an airhead” he huffs, “kinda like you Emilia-tan” there’s movement behind him, a light wet snicker, “but she had these moments of… well it felt like she saw right through me, she could be weirdly perceptive” Subaru finds himself staring at Emilia’s arm wrapped around him, “Dad on the other hand, well I wanted to be just like him, Kenichi Natsuki’s kid! The man of the town” he wheezes, he still wants to be like his dad, strong and reliable, the picture perfect image of masculinity.

“They both never gave up on me, even when I’d-” he chokes, the words always sting, he’s still bitter they didn’t maybe that could’ve saved them the trouble of grieving him.

“...Betty supposes they miss you in fact”

“Mm, as do I, I guess I just- with everything that happened, and I’m getting off my chest this- this is just one of those things”

Emilia is still playing with his hair, it reminds him of his mother, sweet and tender, he can imagine still playing pretend with her and dad, he can remember them searching for monsters under the bed, even when he didn’t ask to be comforted.

The ache likely will remain forever, of premature goodbyes that is, but Subaru’s fine building a shrine for them in his heart, a part of him wondered long ago if it would be ok to make a grave for them once he’s sure they’ve passed on.

“Ah- where I’m from, in Japan… the average life expectancy is around 80? 85? I think.” Subaru mumbles, “I- Emilia-tan, would it be possible to do some sort of… I don’t know, ceremony years-”

“Oh! Of course Subaru, I think we can manage that later on” Emilia replies, her arm laid on top of Subaru moving to massage his own in a supportive gesture, “It likely wouldn’t be too hard, we could have as many or as few people come out, we could do it likely anywhere, and we could make it so you could be buried with them as well wh- uh if-” Emilia stumps at that last part, Subaru can make a guess as to why though he himself isn’t sure how to respond to her unasked question at the end there.

“I’m… not sure myself actually on that actually Emilia-tan.” he opts to say, “I haven’t thought about that part yet, and… would prefer not to, m’sorry”

“No no! That’s enough! Don’t worry about it, but my point still stands- we can make space for that or whatever you’d like” Emilia’s practically cuddling into Subaru’s backside, if he was more awake he’d likely fluster at the display of affection but at this very moment, Subaru instead finds himself just thinking it’s adorable.

“Betty would love to give offerings to those who raised her contractor” Beatrice squeaks from Subaru’s hold, “I wonder what I could give them…”

Subaru feels slightly overwhelmed by the sweet sentiments as he gives a weak, “Thanks”.

Emilia gives a shift at his voice, her hair tickling his neck, “Subaru?” she pries.

“It’s- I just… appreciate it” Subaru opts to answer, hoping that satisfies Emilia’s concern.

“Subaru” Emilia replies right into his shoulderblade, “You… struggle with affection don’t you?”

“Ah! G- got in in one Emilia-tan”

Emilia’s reply seems strained but light, “I don’t- I wish that wasn’t the case, but that also means it’s something to work on, I’ll compliment you every day if that’s what’s needed to get it through your head, okay Subaru?”

“E- Emilia-tan…” Subaru can feel a whine coming out, as he practically shakes from the overwhelming affection, god he’s pathetic.

Emilia seems to understand as she opts to instead continue playing with Subaru’s hair, rather than respond. It’s rather relaxing, the tingling at each touch being pleasant rather than something vile. Subaru can sense that underneath this action is a request to continue this conversation another day, Subaru finds himself complying as he lets himself melt into Emilia’s touch, allowing his drowsiness to finally claim him like eroded rocks falling into an ocean.

-

Subaru wakes up to sunlight.

He’s not unused to that, not at all, actually. His body has adapted to waking up to sunlight ever since coming to Legunica, he can’t really play video games all night either anymore so there’s also that.

But… he’s not used to being so warm. That’s for sure. What’s going on? He’s certainly not in a carriage anymore as there’s no noise indicating that sort of movement.

Did- no did he Return-

He finds his eyes shooting open, but due to the multiple bodies around him he can’t move-

Oh.

He’s back in the manor, Emilia is holding him, Beatrice is pressed between them and- wait who-

He shifts his head slightly to look at his backside and he finds Meili practically wrapped around him like a koala, he feels his pounding heart start to relax, he’s not sure he’s ever been in his room with Meili, Emilia, and Beatrice before, hopefully meaning he hasn’t Returned by Death.

As he shifts his head back to Emilia he can see there’s more people in the room, all sound asleep like a large slumber party.

Ram is asleep on a makeshift bed, likely a futon, poised in what Subaru can only imagine is the most comfortable position for her, next to her is Rem who’s flayed out like a starfish, her left splayed out over Otto’s face next to her, both of them making their own makeshift beds out of gods knows what.

Frederica is asleep nearby, with Garfiel using her as a pillow, his mouth wide open and- is that snoring? Petra has also opted to use her senior maid as a pillow but instead is sleeping like a princess practically. Sylphy is a slight distance away but she’s seized a futon from somewhere to participate.

Subaru… feels like crying, he’s missed this, he’s not even sure he deserves all of this, plus wait don’t the maids have-

“...ru?” a voice rings out next to him, slurred with sleep.

He turns his focus to Emilia, her eyes looking at him with a sleepy expression which quickly shifts to confusion as tears start streaming down his cheeks. Her worry is evident as she inquires “Subaru? Are you okay?”

Subaru finds himself giving an affirmative hum, before more properly answering, “I’m fine Emilia-tan, I just… You remember the carriage right?”

Emilia’s expression becomes slightly depressed as she confirms, “Yes Subaru, I remember you’ve been asleep for another day since, and were nearly unresponsive… Assuming the last thing you remember is the carriage, you must’ve been reallllllly tired” she allows herself to give Subaru a small smile as a form of comfort at the end.

“Ah-, sorry I just-” Subaru starts, but-

“No, that’s enough, it’s fine Subaru. We all worked to get you to sleep in your bed in the manor, but ah- Garfiel and Meili wanted to ensure your safety so well, they insisted and then everyone else wanted to be here when you woke up” Emilia explains, “I hope it’s not too overwhelming…”

“No, no not at all, it’s… it’s basically a slumber party, I went to a few as a kid so, this… just reminded me of that is all” Subaru quickly manages, wanting to make his appreciation known.

“I’m not really sure what that is, but I can make a few assumptions” Emilia replies, her amethyst eyes peering at Subaru’s current demeanor.

“E- Emilia-tan c-could you-” Subaru stammers, cutting himself off, “No, actually it’s- it’s stupid”

“Subaru… what did I tell you last night, if it’s on your mind it must be reallllllllly important!”

Subaru sighs, he would hate to wake everyone else with his meaningless backtracking so he requests, “Emilia-tan, c-could you re-remind me what I promised you last night?”

Emilia stares at him for a moment, her expression looking confused for a moment before a look of understanding takes its place. She gives a purposeful nod and lets her right hand take Subaru’s left in the space between the two. “Subaru.” she begins, firm.

“You promised me that you’d try to love yourself more, I’m well aware it’s going to be tough, I want you to love the boy who encouraged me at one of my lowest moments, my cherished knight who never saw me as a half-devil, but rather as just Emilia” Emilia melts into the pillow, her eyes milking in the sight of a Subaru who’s finally free of his cage, as she carries on, “I know you’ll struggle and maybe even get worse at times, but I want you to love yourself as I love you, call me selfish but I finally got it when I saw you at your worst back there, I understood that love isn’t all pretty and selfless as people make it out to be, it can be ugly and possessive and painful, but despite that it can be used to encourage and inspire people, and I want you to give yourself that more than anything else Subaru.”

Subaru feels himself swallowing, he’s overjoyed at just being remembered let alone… all of this he can barely see past the tears in his eyes.

Emilia maneuvers her free hand to wipe at Subaru’s tears as she beams at him. The sun from the window is shining on their hands as Subaru can feel his heart relax, he’s still tired if he’s being honest, but he also just wants to bask in this moment, maybe not for eternity, he’s had enough of that, but at least for a little while longer.

They both remain there, experiencing life as they wait for the camp to wake.