Chapter Text
Ilya woke up with his head pounding. Was it Saturday? Ilya wasn’t quite sure anymore. The other side of the bed was cold and empty, which made Ilya immediately sit up. Where was Shane? His vision began to spin at this thought. Goddamn, he was still sick, his head was definitely reminding him.
“Shane?” Ilya called out in a raspy voice. Where was his husband? For a moment, he closed his eyes again. Maybe the pain would disappear if he just closed his eyes. Maybe Shane would be there if he opened them again.
“Ilya, I’m here. How are you?” Ilya heard the loving voice of his husband and immediately felt a little better. Shane was now sitting on the edge of the bed and looked concerned about Ilya.
“Hey. I’m okay. Just a headache.”
“Alright, I've put some painkillers here. You know, I don’t have to go with Luca, Troy and Harris today. I can stay here with you.”
Ilya needed a moment to process what Shane meant. Right, it actually was Saturday. And Shane and Ilya had made plans with Troy, Harris and Luca to drive to a ski resort outside Ottawa and go skiing. Yesterday, Ilya had tried to convince Shane that he should go alone while he recovered at home and looked after Anya. Where even was their beloved dog?
“No, you can go. I know you wanted to do this. I’m sure it will be fun.”
“I wanted to go skiing with you, Ilya.”, Shane murmured and carefully ran his fingers through Ilya’s curls. Ilya wanted to stay right here forever.
“We can do this another time, I promise. I need to know how good you actually are at skiing.”
“I’m definitely better than you.”, laughed Shane and seemed actually a bit sad. They were pretty psyched for this trip with their teammates. Harris had mentioned that he knew all the good skiing spots around a few weeks ago and asked if Shane and Ilya wanted to go with him and Troy. Of course, they had agreed, and somehow Ilya had decided that the rookie Luca Haas should come with them. Ilya had quietly made it his mission to look after Luca. Perhaps it was because Luca had been extremely awestruck by Ilya just a few months earlier. And since Luca was now under Ilya's protection, he was also under Shane's.
“You wish.”
“And you’re really fine when I’m not here today? I should be back in the evening and will take Anya for a walk then. And I asked Mom to come over later, she’ll look after you and Anya. So you don’t have to worry about anything.”
Ilya’s chest was warm with affection. Being part of a family that really loved him was something new and overwhelming. Yuna and David Hollander had welcomed him with open arms the moment they understood how much he loved their son, and how deeply Shane felt for Ilya. Ilya had found a new family and the Hollanders had been blessed with a second son. Sometimes Ilya couldn’t quite believe how lucky he was.
“She doesn’t have to…”
“Yes, she does. She is delighted to be coming over.”
“I get it, then she can finally have her favourite son all to herself for a few hours.”, Ilya grinned, and his head didn’t hurt as much as a few minutes before.
“Fuck off, I’m going now!”
“Noo”, exclaimed Ilya and pouted. “When is Harris picking you up?”
“In an hour.”
“Then you can come here and cuddle at least for the next thirty minutes.”, stated Ilya and made space for Shane, so he could lie in front of him. As Shane faced him, Ilya pulled him into a tender kiss. He didn’t care that he was sick, Ilya needed the warmth of his husband’s body. Needed to have him close.
“Ilya, I’m serious, I don’t have to go today.”
“Shane…”, said Ilya in a rigid tone. “I’m also serious. Go with them. I like it when you can also do things with our teammates outside of training and matches, you deserve to have friends on the team.”
For a short moment Ilya’s thoughts wandered to the time when Shane had still played in Montreal. It was only a few months ago that Shane was traded to Ottawa, but it felt like an eternity. Since Shane was here he was happier, more relaxed, more balanced and more connected to his team. Ilya just wanted his husband to feel that the decision to come to Ottawa was the right one. That it was the right team with the right people.
“Is it dumb to say that I’m sometimes afraid that they just like me because of you?” murmured Shane and Ilya’s heart shattered a bit. He blinked, caught off guard.
“Yes, is dumb, moy lyubimyy. The team is great and you are great. Why should anyone not like you?”
Shane hummed and didn’t look at Ilya. He knew that the terrible treatment in Montreal still haunted Shane. But Ottawa wasn’t Montreal. Not at all.
“Literally everyone here loves you, you’re Ottawa’s golden boy. And do you think Harris, Troy and Luca would like to go skiing with you if they actually didn’t like you? Hm?”
“No…”
“See! It’s a dumb thought.”
Shane nodded and cuddled closer to Ilya, resting his head against Ilya’s shoulder. Even after months of living together they couldn’t get enough of each other. Ilya was sure that he would never, never get enough of Shane. This simply wasn’t possible.
“Okay. Thank you.”
“Go with them today and see for yourself that the guys like you. Even though it’s a loss for them that I cannot be there”
“It’s especially a loss for me. I would have beaten you on any track.”
“And I would have made out with you so much every time that you forgot how to ski in the first place.”
“You just want to upset Luca.”, laughed Shane. Maybe he was right.
“I’m just waiting for us to be his bi awakening.”
“And then what? This marriage is pretty much exclusive.”, Shane declared playfully indignant.
“Thank God it is. I would never share you with anyone.”
Both of them didn’t want to leave the bed and Shane got up reluctantly a few minutes before Harris would arrive at their door. By now Ilya felt much better, his head didn’t hurt that much, his muscles felt stronger and some energy had returned to him. So he followed Shane downstairs and saw Anya lying on one of her dog beds in the living room, asleep.
“Send me pictures, yes? Lots of pictures. And have fun, moy lyubimyy. This will be good for you.”, stated Ilya as he stood in the hallway and observed Shane’s movements.
“Thank you, Ilya. I love you. And take care of yourself, mom will do it anyway.”
They shared one last kiss before Shane left their huge house and Ilya stayed back with their dog. Shane would have a wonderful day, Ilya was sure. And he would enjoy that Yuna would look after him. Maybe this day wouldn’t be so bad after all.
—————-
Ilya must have fallen asleep on the sofa. When his phone vibrated, he was momentarily unsure why he wasn’t in bed. When he saw Anya lying beside him, he remembered that he just wanted to have a short nap and then go for a walk with her. Even though Shane had insisted that Yuna would do this later, his head no longer hurt, so he could manage it himself.
A message from Harris popped up on his phone, Shane hadn't texted him in a while. He had just let him know that they had arrived safely at the ski resort. For a brief moment, a flicker of unease ran through him. Why did Harris text him and not Shane? However, when he saw a selfie of Harris, Shane, Troy and Luca, his heart warmed. They were fine, more than fine, and Shane looked so damn happy. He recognized the honest, genuine smile Shane only wore when he truly felt safe. And somehow, Ilya knew that everything, everything they had ever been afraid of, would work out. They had wonderful friends and teammates, Shane was good, they were married, they lived together and played on the same team and Ilya’s mental health was also on the way to recovery. Or at least it was getting better. Ilya had found a new family. They were facing all the homophobic shit together. Everything was going to work out.
Anya looked at him expectantly, tail already wagging. His nap took much longer than expected, and Anya really needed to get out soon. Before anything else, Ilya answered Harris and then texted Shane.
To Harris:
| Take care of Shane, I don’t want him back with broken legs.
To Shane:
| Hope you’re having fun, moy lyubimyy. I love you. Anya is missing you.
Neither message went through, and that small detail lingered longer than it should have. They were probably back on the slopes and had lost the signal. In the middle of nowhere in Canada, that didn’t surprise him.
“Come on, Anya, let’s have a walk.”
Before Ilya could open the front door and take Anya out, his mother-in-law appeared. She looked genuinely surprised to see Ilya up moving.
“Ilya, hey. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you lie in bed?”
“Hi Yuna. Come in.”
They lingered in the doorway, Anya was nervously winding around their legs. The adorable dog couldn’t wait to go out.
“So?” Yuna asked, arms crossed.
“I’m feeling good right now. Shane was definitely exaggerating when he told you to come over.”
“Well…he told me that you can’t get out of bed and that this is a family emergency. And I’m happy to be here, you know that.”, Yuna grinned and Ilya knew that Shane had exactly said that. It was such a Shane thing.
“Thank you for coming, even though I’m definitely better. Should we go for a walk together with Anya? She'll go mad if we stand here any longer.”
Yuna nodded and stroked the youngest member of the family between the ears. While Ilya put on his jacket, it was still Canadian winter, he checked the chats with Harris and Shane again. Nothing new. The messages still hadn't arrived. He would write Shane again after the walk.
“So Ilya, your flu is getting better, how is it with your mental health?”
“Whoa, why are all Hollanders so terrible at small talk? The Canadian weather is nice, yes?”
“It’s actually terrible. It’s not my fault, Shane doesn’t tell us anything.”
“I definitely don’t believe that.”, Ilya grimaced and took a breath. He still didn’t like to talk about his mental health and the struggles he had. It had taken him so long to open up about it even to Shane and it still was a torture. But he could tell Yuna, because Yuna wouldn’t judge him. She would never.
“You caught me. Well, I want to hear it from you, not from Shane. After all it’s only you who can tell how it really feels.”
“Right. For now, I’m as good as I can be. The meds are working well for me, I’m going to therapy regularly, Anya and Shane are supporting me. Of course, there are some days…you know some days are darker. But it’s not as bad as it was. Being married is good for me.”
For a minute neither of them said anything. Anya trotted curiously along the path, stopping every two metres to sniff at a strand of grass. The dog didn’t care what his owner was talking about.
“It’s good to hear that, Ilya. David and I are also always there to support you guys, you know, family emergencies. If there is anything we can do…”
“You’re doing quite enough.”, Ilya murmured. Shane’s parents tended to forget that they too played a part in helping to improve his life again. How much it meant to him that he could just go for a walk with his mother-in-law when he couldn’t do this with his own mother. Of course, the Hollanders weren’t a replacement of his own family, but they were his new family. A family which loved him. Which was still an unfamiliar thought.
“Hey Yuna, when did you last hear from Shane?”, Ilya asked out of nowhere. The question lingered still in the back of his mind: why hadn’t Shane answered him? Why was there no connection at the ski resort?
“When he called me in the morning and was so concerned about you. He felt really bad about leaving you alone.”
“Oh I know.”, Ilya laughed. That was so typical Shane. Not so typical was that he didn’t answer. Well, how should he without connection? Ilya didn’t need to worry. The guys were probably laughing somewhere on a snowy slope.
“Wanna head back?”, Yuna asked. “Anya looks exhausted.”
——————-
„Is there still no word from Shane?”
No. There wasn’t. Ilya had written hundreds of messages and none of them were going through. He tried again. And again. Was he overreacting? Probably. It was almost embarrassing how worried he felt. The guys would probably make fun of Ilya for that.
To Luca:
| Haasy, tell me if something is wrong, alright?
To Troy:
| Still on the slope? I haven’t heard from you guys in a while
To Harris:
| Well I was kidding, just bring Shane back home alive, I don’t care about broken legs. We can handle that.
He stared at the screen for a long moment before sending another message.
To Shane:
| Please answer if you’re seeing the texts, yes? Anya is worried (and me too)
Yuna immediately recognised the worry in Ilya’s eyes. It was almost scary how good the woman could read people. Ilya’s stomach churned, something about this felt deeply wrong. Anya sensed his nerves and cuddled against Ilya’s legs. God, how much he loved this dog.
“When did you last hear from Shane? And from Harris?”
“Shane texted me four hours ago, Harris two hours ago. After that there was no signal anymore.”
“Alright, and when did they plan to drive back? Did Shane tell you this?”
Ilya couldn’t remember. His sick body couldn’t recall any details, that Shane might have told him yesterday. But it was only the afternoon, it was quite possible that they were still on a slope.
“I don’t know anymore. Maybe he told me yesterday, but my head couldn’t take it in.”
“Then we should just wait a bit. Perhaps they will be heading back in an hour. It will be getting dark soon, after all.”
Right, Ilya hadn’t even thought about the weather. He only knew that it was cold and Yuna was right, it would be dark soon. They had to come back then. Everything else wouldn’t make any sense. And at least Harris would be responsible enough to remember that. Still, something sank heavily in Ilya’s stomach. What if something had happened? No, he tried to tell himself that this was a stupid thought. They were athletes, except for Harris, they could handle a day in the mountains. Then another thought hit Ilya. Perhaps something had happened to Harris? Ilya knew he had problems with his heart. He didn't know exactly what it was, but perhaps there was a problem. Damn it, Ilya shouldn't be sitting at home. Not now.
He stood up abruptly, trying to remember where he had left his iPad. Wasn’t it yesterday in the bedroom? No, the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” Ilya ignored the question and found his IPad on the kitchen counter. Ah, Shane had used it for a recipe yesterday evening. Ilya didn’t need to turn around, he felt Yuna’s stern gaze resting on him.
“You need to breathe, Ilya. You’re still sick, you need to rest.”
“No. I need to know what happened. I need to check the weather. I need to know when the ski resort is closing. I need to know if there was an incident. I need answers.”
Yuna’s small hand gently stroked Ilya’s shoulder, grounding him for a moment. He wanted to pretend, just for a minute, that it was Shane. But it definitely wasn’t. He didn’t know where his husband was.
“Ilya. I know this all seems so strange. But you have to stay calm. We don’t even know if something had happened.”
Ilya shook his head. Yuna was wrong. Shane had promised him that he would get in touch. That he would send him pictures, that he would write to him, that he would keep Ilya updated. Shane had made him that promise, and he wouldn't just break it like that. That wasn't Shane.
“Yes, we don’t know. But I can feel that something is wrong. So I need to know.” Yuna realised that arguing was senseless.
“Alright, then let’s do this at least systematically. Where are the boys? In Mont Ste-Marie?”
“Yeah I guess that’s what Shane said.”, answered Ilya and immediately googled the ski resort. He couldn’t see any information that was relevant. So he looked up how the weather conditions were there right now.
“Snow. Heavy snowfall.”
“Let me see it…fuck…”
Ilya rarely heard Yuna swear, and that alone made his chest tighten. So he looked at her in astonishment and somewhat fearfully.
“There is an avalanche warning. All the recent snowfall makes it pretty dangerous in the mountains.”
“What?”, Ilya's heart must have skipped a beat. Of course he knew that avalanches were some of the most dangerous threats in the mountains. This couldn’t be true. But he could see the warning now with his own eyes.
“This doesn’t mean that there were avalanches, Ilya. Hopefully the boys saw the warning.”
“What if they didn’t? Fuck! And the weather is just getting worse. And it’s getting dark! They need to return! Now!” Ilya stood furiously in the middle of their enormous kitchen and pointed angrily in the air. Nothing about this made sense anymore. He needed to hear something from Shane. Needed to know that they were on the way back.
“I know, Ilya. We should call the mountain station at the ski resort. Maybe they have some information. Alright?”
Ilya was at least a bit relieved that Yuna seemed so calm and collected. One of them had to stay calm. And Ilya definitely couldn’t do this. What if Shane was still in the mountains? The messages were still not going through.
“Yes, I will call them. I need to know…”
With trembling fingers, Ilya typed in the phone number he had seen earlier on the ski resort's website. They must have more information. A quick glance at the clock made it clear to him that now was the latest time Shane, Harris, Troy and Luca would have to drive back. Anything else would make no sense. Unless something had gone terribly wrong. And Ilya was terrified that it had.
—————-
„Mr. Rozanov, I already said that the slopes are now closed. Some groups just returned, but I cannot tell you whether the group you are looking for is among them.”
“But someone has to know where they are right now!”
“We unfortunately lost radio contact in some areas. We will continue to man the station throughout the evening and night. So when the group returns, they will be taken care of.”
“And if they need help now? What are you doing? Nothing?!” Ilya was angry. The man on the other end of the phone didn’t seem to grasp the urgency of the situation. Why didn’t he understand that his husband and his friends were probably still out there in the mountains? Did he even care? Yuna tried unsuccessfully to take control of the conversation, but Ilya's agitation pushed her back.
“If there is an emergency, then you must call mountain rescue.”
“Do you think I’m dumb? I know that I have to call them! Thank you for nothing.”
Ilya ended the call and his feet wanted to carry him straight to Mont Ste-Marie, the feeling of being ill had completely vanished. Nausea spread through him, but not because of the flu. Yuna looked as if she no longer knew how to calm Ilya down. Maybe she was slowly losing her composure too. It was already evening. David would soon arrive with dinner, his watch showed that it was already 5 pm. They would spend the evening together at Ilya and Shane's house and hope that Shane would unlock the door after all. Though the sinking feeling wouldn’t leave Ilya. Something was wrong and he knew it. Horrible thoughts shot through his mind and he forced himself not to follow them. Not now, he couldn’t lose his mind now. He had to call the mountain rescue.
“Do you want me to call them?” Yuna asked and obviously already knew the answer. Ilya felt obliged to do everything he could. He felt fucking helpless and he had to do at least something. His damn mind was screaming at him that it was his fault. After all, he had convinced Shane that he should go with the others. Shane would have stayed with him. Shane could have been with him right now. Or Ilya could have gone with them himself. So he was with Shane. Why was he thinking only about Shane? His best friends were also missing. Ilya hoped they were still together, that no one would face the situation, whatever it was, alone. Especially not Shane.
“No, I’ll talk to them. But maybe I need your help. I don’t know how much I can tell until…”
“Sure, darling. I’m here, I can talk to them anytime. We need to stay calm, alright? They will help us.”
“I just want Shane to get help.”
Once again, Ilya dialled the phone number, this time that of the local mountain rescue service. His head was spinning and began to hurt. Yuna carefully placed her hand on his, which was tapping nervously on the kitchen counter. Thank God she was there.
“Mountain rescue Mont Ste-Marie, how can I help you?”
“Rozanov and Hollander, we would like to report a missing group. They were at the Mont Ste-Marie ski resort today and have not returned despite the avalanche warning, and they have been unreachable for hours. Something must have happened.”, Ilya rattled it all off in one breath. For a brief moment, he wondered how all those English words just came so easily to him.
“Mr. …?”
“Rozanov.”
“Mr. Rozanov, we will take up the case now. To do so, we need some information from you. Can you tell me the names of the group members? Slowly, please.”
“Sure, Shane Hollander, Troy Barrett, Harris Drover and Luca Haas.”
“What is your relationship to the missing persons?” Ilya wanted to scream, how could this man be so cold and rational? Well, it was his daily business.
“Shane Hollander is my husband, the other three are my teammates, I mean my work colleagues.” For a brief moment Yuna stepped in and explained that Shane was her son, meanwhile Ilya’s mind wandered to Harris who was so close to the team, that Ilya always thought of him as a teammate. Hopefully he and his heart were doing well.
“So you said they were at the Mont Ste-Marie ski resort. Do you know where exactly they were skiing? When was the last contact?”
“I don’t know where.” Ilya swallowed hard. Why hadn't he asked this morning? Had Shane perhaps told him yesterday after all? Had he not been paying attention? “I last heard from Shane at 11 am and from Harris Drover at 1 pm. After that, no more contact was possible.”
“Alright, the weather conditions today were very difficult, especially with the risk of avalanches. Are they experienced skiers? Do they have avalanche gear?”
What was that? Why all these complicated questions? Yuna saw the confusion in Ilya’s face, so she answered.
“I don’t think they had avalanche gear with them. Three of them are professional hockey players and they can all ski.”
“You need to go and search for them!” Ilya exclaimed and sounded as desperate as he felt.
“Please, Sir, we need to go through the questions. I need you to stay calm.” Ilya felt like he might explode, his heart was pounding uncontrollably. How could this man ask him to stay calm? He was missing his husband! His wonderful, beautiful, kind, charming husband. Damn it.
“Does any member of the group have any medical conditions or injuries? Can you tell me that?”
“Yes, I believe that Harris Drover has a heart condition, but I don’t know exactly what. I don’t know how bad it is.”
“Alright, just a moment…” Yuna took a glass of water and Ilya realised that she tried to not lose her composure. He certainly wasn’t able to do this, he felt like a wreck. Anxiety buzzed through his veins, made him extremely fidgety.
“At this point they’re not officially considered missing, but we consider them overdue. Especially with the weather conditions we will try to find them. Nevertheless, due to these bad weather conditions, we cannot start a search today. The search will begin tomorrow at first light.”
“What? You can’t be serious!” Ilya’s heart sank to his knees. Yuna seemed also pretty shocked. The kitchen tilted around him, Ilya instinctively reached for the kitchen counter. His legs threatened to give out beneath him at any moment.
“Mr. Rozanov, it is important that you reach out to us if you get further information.
We’ll let you know when we start the search tomorrow morning.”
“But we need to do something! There has to be something, right? What can I do?”
“As I said, call us if there is any news. Stay at home in case your husband returns. There is nothing more at the moment, unfortunately.”
Yuna seemed to end the conversation, but Ilya didn't hear anything else. Tomorrow. The search won't start until tomorrow. Didn't they know how damn cold and dangerous it was on the mountain? The boys couldn't stay there all night. No. That can’t be. Shane couldn’t stay there. Each passing hour would make everything worse; it would become colder and colder. Fuck, he should be there with him. With them. He should protect Shane from the cold, from the danger. What were the chances they would make it through the night? That they would... survive? Maybe they were already…
A cold shiver ran through Ilya’s body. No. He couldn’t think about that. No, no, no. He didn’t even know if something had happened to the group after all. Perhaps they had found somewhere to hide and simply had no connection. It was possible, right? Ilya didn’t notice the tears in his eyes until Yuna pulled him in a tight embrace. Now he could no longer hold back his sobs.
“They are strong and intelligent, Ilya. They wouldn’t deliberately put themselves in danger. We'll find them tomorrow.”
Ilya hoped that Yuna was right. He had never hoped for anything so much. But his mind and body refused to believe it.
———————-
The silence at dinner was oppressive. David had arrived half an hour ago and brought them some pasta, which Ilya still hadn’t touched. He was staring out of the window, but saw nothing. Darkness had settled in Ottawa and had crept into Ilya’s thoughts as well. He waited for the front door to open and for Shane to join them in the dining room. But it was so quiet. Shane wasn't coming.
“You should eat something, Ilya. You haven’t had anything today.”, Yuna said in a concerned, cautious voice. It was as if she didn’t want to break the silence. Ilya had never seen her so quiet, so withdrawn, and yet so desperate. Ilya just looked at her and she immediately understood that he couldn’t eat anything otherwise he would throw up.
“Shane is an athlete, Troy and Luca are too, they will help each other. They will probably come back first thing tomorrow morning when it gets light. Shane knows that you have to seek shelter. We always told him that when we used to go to the mountains. Nothing could have happened to them.“, David murmured. He hadn’t said much all evening, but now it got too much for Ilya.
“And Harris? He has a heart condition! And nobody can do anything in an avalanche. It’s not that easy, fuck!” Ilya jumped up, directing the words at David with anger. How could he stay so optimistic? How could anyone stay optimistic in a situation like that? It didn’t make any sense. Ilya’s heart raced and felt like it must burst any second. Before Ilya could realise that he had just shouted at his father-in-law he ran out of the room and to the nearest room and locked the door behind him. He immediately saw his horrified facial expression in the huge mirror of their bathroom.
His skin was too pale, his eyes were too dark and every cell felt too hot. He needed water. Maybe cold water could wash this horrible, foreboding feeling away. He had already lost the most important person in his life once, he couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t lose Shane. He couldn’t lose his friends. Troy, who was so fulfilled and happy since he came out and could just be himself. Harris, who was the most supportive and joyful person he knew. And Luca, who was still so young, so talented and so kind. They didn’t deserve this. Ilya should have somehow stopped them from going to the ski resort. It was his fault. He could have simply stopped them. Shane would have stayed with him immediately. If he had just said one word. It was his fucking fault. He should have known.
What if he would never see Shane again? Tears burned in his eyes, the cold water didn’t help at all. They had only been married for a few months. Were only a few months openly out. It wasn’t fair. He needed more time. He needed every possible second just to look at Shane, just to hold him, just to cherish him. They had spent so many years in secrecy, it wasn’t fair if they had no time to live freely.
“Ilya?” The knocking on the door got louder.
Ilya tried to calm his breathing. In and out. In. Out. In. Out. The bathroom seemed to spin around him. He had to sink to the floor to find some kind of support. He needed Shane. Now and forever. Ilya remembered his near death experience in a plane and it didn’t feel much worse than this situation. Damn it, Troy, Harris and Luca had experienced it. Why did they have to go through it again? Life wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair to the best people Ilya knew. Suddenly his phone, which somehow was still in his trouser pocket, vibrated. His heart skipped a beat and his trembling fingers took too long to grab his phone. Why was the screen still black? Even with his blurred vision, he could immediately tell that it was just an ad. It wasn’t Shane.