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“Do you really have to go?” Haise was clinging to him with his slender arms wrapped around his waist. His eyes were glistening with tears. Arima felt his heart ache at the sight.
“Only for a couple of days Haise,” Arima explained again. It was three days to be exact but it seemed like an eternity to the boy. Haise had recently been released from Cochlea and was residing in Arima’s house for the time being. He had healed enough to tend to his own needs now but he was so childlike. He was sensitive and emotional. All the things Arima had no idea how to deal with.
“I can’t come with you?” Haise tried again, still not letting go of him.
Arima sighed. They had talked about this. He was already late and didn’t want to explain himself all over again. Arima Kishou wasn’t a very patient man but he had come to be patient with Haise. After all, he was to blame for the boy’s situation. He had reduced him into a mere shadow of his past self.
He didn’t want to do this but what choice did he have?
Remind him of his position.
“Please,” Haise whispered.
You are my quinque.
“I don’t want to be alone.”
He is the SS-rated Centipede.
But he looked so delicate. So fragile. Arima was afraid that if he touched him he would break. He couldn’t find it himself to be cruel to him, even though he knew that his softness would have consequences when he had to confront the Chairman of CCG.
Sasaki Haise or Kaneki Ken should be around nineteen years old right now but there was something about him that made him appear so much younger. Perhaps it was his small, round face and large eyes that carried the innocence of a little boy that made him look so young. It shouldn’t be surprising, really. He had no memories. His personality, his past, his whole being had been erased.
In his baggy t-shirt and shorts that revealed his long legs and bare feet, he appeared quite small and thin. Tough, he looked much better compared to his weeks in Cochlea. While he hadn’t gotten back to his full health, he was improving steadily. His eyes had healed before he left the detention center but for a long time he had had trouble walking without support.
It is a monster.
And what are you?
You are soft. Put him in place.
First, the old Chairman’s face flashed before his eyes. Then, Kaiko’s.
He swallowed.
“Haise,” he said firmly. Haise flinched at the sudden change in his voice.
Don’t. Haise… please. Don’t be afraid.
Don’t be like everyone else.
“No.” Arima forcibly removed the boy’s arms from around him. He saw his face fall. Hurt and shock was evident in his expression.
The little half-ghoul was facing the floor now, no longer looking at Arima. Somehow, he managed to look even smaller than before.
He wasn’t looking at him with those eyes anymore.
Arima had never understood why he looked at him that way. Eyes shining with something he couldn’t put a name on but it was… warm. And bright. Something that shouldn’t be spared for someone as hideous as himself.
You don’t deserve it.
This is all an illusion. He will hate you once he knows.
He turned to leave. He felt a lump in his throat but it didn’t show on his face. It was as composed and blank as always.
“As I told you before, Hirako will come and check on you every day. You can call him if you need anything.”
He left without sparing a second glance at the half-ghoul.
A gruesome sound echoed through the dark tunnels as Arima pierced the last ghoul in the abdomen with IXA. He signaled his squad to follow his lead.
Another day, another Whack-A-Mole operation.
Having been built under the 23 Wards of Tokyo, these tunnels never received any sunlight so it was always so cold. They were dark as well. The squad occasionally came across light sources left around by ghouls but it was insufficient to light the whole area. This was one of the things that made the so called 24th Ward such a dangerous place. Only the most capable investigators were sent to investigate these underground tunnels, yet even they with their excellent abilities and experience struggled to fight in the dark against their opponents. These ghouls’ already superior senses had developed even further during their time under the ground.
“There are no weak ghouls in the 24th Ward,” Eto had once told him. “Only the strongest survive.”
Human meat was impossible to find unless retrieved from the surface so cannibalism was common practice around here. This constant cannibalism and their endless battle for survival had made these ghouls immensely powerful. Many of them were kakujas. This made it very difficult for investigators to return from these operations.
Difficult for everyone except...
Arima thought about death often during missions. Over the years, thinking about his own death had become so easy. There were so many different ways to go. He had seen enough of them to know. Lots of investigators died in the line of duty. He would wonder if it would also happen to him one day. And how it would happen. He would study his opponents, trying to see their battle proficiency. But they were never good enough. Or perhaps he wasn’t good enough for death.
You are forever bound to the CCG.
Haise… No. Kaneki Ken had been able to wound him. It felt like ages ago but he remembered it as if it was yesterday. That small cut on his cheek. Beneath his right eye. It had been so long… So long since he had received a wound. Especially in a sensitive area like that. He remembered the electrifying feeling that ran through his body at the realization.
In that wound, he found hope.
Kaneki Ken. Even in that weakened state with his eyes…
Those same eyes- Haise’s eyes- that give him that look. That warmth he so didn’t deserve. Guilt washed over him in waves every time he looked into those gleaming silver eyes. It was confusing. He wished Haise would stop doing that.
I’m not what you need. I can’t give you that… Whatever is it you want.
He couldn’t give him back that warmth... that sweetness. Arima Kishou was cold and distant. That was what everyone said. That was all he had ever been. Arima wasn’t what Haise thought him to be. He wasn’t someone to be admired, to be looked up to. He was revolting. Abominable. He only ever hurt people. Haise should know that better than anyone else.
He would have if he had his memories.
You’ve taken everything from him.
That was all he ever did.
And yet… he couldn’t help but miss him. In these cold tunnels and above the ground. He missed him everywhere. He thought of him all the time. His smiles. His innocence. Haise had a strange way of making him feel human. Fresh and new. Like a new beginning. A new person. Innocent.
He can’t give you back what you lost. What you never had.
But it felt so good. To pretend like he was something other than this. He wanted to pretend like he had a future, like there were possibilities. Hopes and dreams.
How funny was it that he was thinking of Minami now. After all this time…
No matter how much you yearn for a normal life style, you’ll never be a normal human! Because killing people just because they aren’t useful to society isn’t humane!
Fura had spoken those words to her so long ago.
Taishi.
When was the last time Arima had spoken to him?
If only…
He turned to signal his squad that they would be returning to the surface. They stayed a bit longer to collect the broken bodies of their fallen comrades.
It was past midnight when Arima finally made it home.
For some reason, he remembered the day he had moved in here.
He lived in a large, detached house surrounded by its own garden. It was beautiful and nicely decorated- not by Arima himself, of course. He didn't have the time or the aesthetic sense to do so. But Special Classes got paid well and he had been one for quite a long time. He had lots of money to spend. The house had been so plain even after he had moved all his stuff in. There was too much space. It was simply too big for one person. It hurt to be reminded of that so he had filled all the space with stuff he knew he'd never use- some of them he didn't even know the function of.
Right now, the house was very quiet and all lights were turned off. He figured that Haise had already fallen asleep. He had to admit that living with Haise was very pleasant. He brought life to this place. Tired and covered in blood, Arima decided to take a shower first before going to check on him.
The shower felt good. The warm water soothed his aching muscles and calmed his mind. The comfort of being in his home and finally being able to sleep on a proper bed was nice.
He stepped out of the shower and dried himself with a towel before donning his pajamas. Making his way to Haise’s room, Arima turned the corridor light on in order to avoid waking the boy up. He peaked into the room. Something felt off though. Arima entered the room and checked Haise’s bed. He ran his hand over the surface but it was empty and cold. In fact, it was still made as if no one had used it.
His heart started beating faster. Where the hell was he, then?
He checked the whole house but Haise was nowhere to be found. Kitchen, bathrooms, living room, his study… They were all empty.
He picked up his phone to call Hirako.
Thankfully, the man was able to pick up the phone before Arima lost his mind.
“Arima… Do you know what hour is this,” Take answered groggily.
“Take, is Haise with you?”
“Huh? Why would he be…” He paused for a second before continuing. “No, he isn’t with me. He isn’t with you?” He sounded more awake now.
“No. I can’t fi-“Arima halted abruptly.
“Arima? Is everything okay? You need backup?”
Arima slowly entered back into his bedroom. There was something tucked under a blanket. He hadn’t been looking properly until now.
He gently lifted the corner of the blanket to reveal the peacefully sleeping figure underneath. It was endearing, really. “Nevermind. I found him.” A smile crept its way to his lips, the tension in his body slowly receding.
“Oh? Good. Good night, I guess.” Take sounded relieved. He was happy that he didn’t have to deal with more shit at this hour.
“Good night.” Arima heard Take yawn and mumble something about dogs before hanging up.
He placed his phone on the nightstand and leaned to look at Haise more closely. Now that he realized, Haise was holding something. No, he had wrapped his arms around it, hugging it close. It was one of the large pillows of Arima’s bed. Furthermore, it was wearing one of his dress shirts.
Arima ran his fingers through Haise’s hair, petting it softly. He smiled. He must have gotten lonely. He gently caressed the half-ghoul’s cheek. His skin was so soft. He smelled of strawberry scented shampoo. It was a smell Arima had come to associate with Haise. It was calming.
“I was lonely too,” he whispered into the silent night.
But you made it all okay.
He hesitated for a moment before leaning down to press his lips on Haise’s forehead. No one would know. Haise made him forget all that was bad. He made him want to throw all thoughts and logic out of the window. Despite everything... His doubts, his regrets… He felt fresh. New.
Human.
When Arima pulled back to look at his face once again, he found Haise staring back at him, a gentle smile on his lips and warmth in his silver eyes. For some reason, he smiled back at him.
Warm.