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“it’s not unrequited”
Shane’s words were almost a whisper but he knew J.J. had heard them just for the way his eyes and mouth opened in disbelief.
“Excuse moi?”
Shane breathed in; even if he hadn’t meant to, the cat was out of the bag, he very well might go all the way in.
“Ilya and I, it’s very much requited”
He knew he should have lied, took advantage of the excuse J.J.’s assumptions gave him. But he just couldn’t. He had almost lost the love of his life, he was going crazy with worry and relief and fear. Yes, Ilya was as fine as someone who had just survived almost crashing on a plane could but Shane’s brain was still stuck on the other possibility. What if things hadn’t gone that well?
What if Shane had lost the most important person in his life and nobody would have known? He would have been forced to keep playing hockey as if their connection was something forgettable, unimportant. He probably wouldn’t even get to bury him, the league would send his body to Russia before he could do anything, to the motherland that had turned its back to him, to the brother he detested. And Shane would have been left alone and heartbroken and dead inside for the rest of his life… and one of his best friends would call it an unrequited crush.
It felt insulting to call the feelings he had for Ilya a crush. He just couldn’t do it.
“You are not kidding… for real… Rozanov and you…”
“Yes”
“For how long?”
“It depends how you count, we usually go with Rookie season” he smiled to himself and tears started pooling on his eyes “if he was here, he would say that the summer before”
“You never said anything…”
“It was complicated, it is complicated…everybody around us expect us to hate each other, they want us to hate each other…while all I want to do is say fuck it and take a plane to Tampa”
“I feel so stupid, I spent all these years trying to set you up with someone, thinking you were so lonely…”
“I was lonely, you were not wrong there” he confessed, a little embarrassed “just not for the reasons you thought, but this whole situation, all we’ve have to do in order to hide what we are, who we are, it is lonely”
“Does nobody know?”
“A few people we’ve come out to, Rose, our agent Farah. Mostly we’ve been found out like you just did. My parents, Ryan Price, Hayden…”
“Hayden knows?” Shane was a little taken aback by how angry he sounded.
“Yes, he figured us when Ilya moved to Ottawa, at first he thought it was a joke thought”
“That makes me feels a little less like an idiot…still I wish you would have trusted me, I mean all this time you trusted Hayden but not me, I thought we were a team…the three of us”
“I probably should have, but I was scared. You’ve always hated him so much”
“Of course, because he is a motherfucking asshole… but you are the nicest guy I know and if you like him then he can’t be that much of an asshole”
Shane felt himself tear up for what felt the millionth time that afternoon
“That’s the nicest thing someone has said upon finding up”
J.J. then took a step forward and wrapped Shane in a hug. He had always been a touchy guy but since Shane seemed uncomfortable with contact he tended to refrain, except that now he just couldn’t, he knew there were no appropriate words for this situation, he just wanted to tell his friend it was going to be ok. Maybe not now, but eventually.
He couldn’t say he was happy for his friend, not yet. He couldn’t say that he was not hurt for being kept in the dark for so long either, that really stung. But at the very least he could make Shane know he was there even if he was hurt and a little angry.
“Wanna know something that Hayden doesn´t?”
“Woah, you have yet another bomb in your pocket?”
“I’m going to propose to him”
“What?!?! Slow down a little, I’m still wrapping my head about you two being together for what, 10 years?”
“Sorry for throwing it up to you, I just thought you might want to know”
“Of course I want, but it’s just too much…wait a moment”
J.J. reached for the minifridge and took a beer and a can of diet ginger ale. Maybe it was because he already had gone through too many feelings that day but the fact that his friend had thought about his diet and grabbed something he could actually drink without even complaining made Shane feel fuzzy inside.
They spend most of the rest of the night talking, Shane told him a few stories about him and Ilya, he tried to make him understand why they were so good together and why it was so important to Shane to protect the secret even from his closest friends.
“I still think you are being paranoid, who cares what the media thinks? They are always talking about us, it means nothing”
“What if I’m kicked out? or worse? What if they trade me to San Francisco or I don’t know, as far from Ottawa as they can find”
“You are Shane Hollander, man, nobody would be stupid enough to trade you”
“Well, if he accepts to marry me then the secret is off anyways”
“Do you think he might refuse?”
“I don’t know, I was a jerk to him last time we saw each other and yes, he forgave me but what if…”
“Oh man, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but Rozanov is a way more patient man than I am. You just told me the guy went to the worst team in the league just to be close to you… look, this is what we are going to do. We’ll go to sleep for today, I’ll try to process the fact that I now have to like Ilya Rozanov and when we get back to Montreal I’m taking you to a jeweler I know. He is the best, did Jackie’s ring, and he knows how to keep a secret”
“Thanks man, I really appreciate it”
“Of course pal…now go to sleep, you look like shit”
“Cut me some slack, my future husband almost died today”