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It was a bright, sunny, summer day and It was Wylan’s day off from work. Jesper was doing yard work outside, he didn’t need to, they had gardeners but Jesper loved it so he often did the work for them. Marya and Wylan were in the art room, sitting on their stools in front of their canvases.
“I just don’t know what to paint.” Marya mumbled mostly to herself but Wylan answered anyway.
“What did you paint yesterday?”
“You, then the sky. Then I think you again.”
Wylan smiled as he continued to paint on his own canvas.
“What about you? What are you painting?” Wylan was silent for a moment, focused on his art.
“Last month, when Jesper and I visited Novyi Zem. We were in the market and a group of older women stopped him in the street. They recognized him from when he was a boy and they talked with him. He introduced them to me and they were all very sweet” He smiled at the memory. That was a wonderful visit.
“I wanted to capture it on canvas, him making them laugh. The women were wearing brightly colored dresses too and I thought it would be pretty as a painting.” There was a beat of silence as he continued to lightly draw the sketch. Both of them now focused on their work. Well Wylan was, Marya was staring deeply at her blank canvas.
“He is so quick to light a room up.” Wylan suddenly said.
“I noticed that the moment I met him.” Marya responded.
“Yeah?”
Marya nodded. Four years ago when she came home from the asylum. Her brain was fuzzy and she wasn’t herself. They didn’t get many visitors then but the word did get out what Jan had done. Some of the Merchers were over to wish them well, some neighbors too. Marya noticed right away just how many people walked on eggshells around her. Wylan was her primary care giver at the time but even he acted as though she would break at any moment. She can’t blame him, she often would. It took some time for Wylan to get comfortable around her again.
But it was Jesper who would always plop down next to her in the sun room, even just weeks after meeting him, and ask her the most casual questions about if she wanted to see him twirl his guns or if she would help him convince Wylan to buy a goat. He talked to her like they had known each other for years. He treated her like her mind was normal when that was far from the case.
Even on days when she wouldn’t respond to anyone, Wylan would leave the room quicker on days like this, tears so often in his eyes. Marya wanted nothing more than to comfort him but she couldn’t. Jesper would soon come into the room and casually talk about what he did that day, even if she didn’t respond back. He’d make jokes with a bright smile and even talked about his love for Wylan. She remembers when she did finally crack a smile at one of his jokes. Marya knew for a long time that Jesper was a part of their family. He was an utter light in Wylan’s life and hers as well.
“It makes me happy you like him.” Wylan said.
“He is a likable man.” Marya responded.
“I want to marry him.” Wylan was hoping to ease into telling his mother his plans but the statement is such a heavy statement that he doesn’t think he can say it casually even if he tried. He mostly stopped sketching at this point. Biting the inside of his cheek. She turned to look at him with such adoration. Her lip quivered as she spoke.
“Are you planning to…” She asked. Wylan nodded yes without his mom finishing her thought. Marya stood up and hugged him and kissed his head a few times.
“Oh my boy is getting married.” She whispered.
“Mama, I haven't even asked him yet.” Wylan said softly.
“He’s going to say yes.” Marya said back, kissing his head one more time for good measure. She looked at the doorway swiftly to make sure Jesper didn’t sneak up on them. There were so many times where Wylan and Marya were painting and he would just stand by the doorway.
Just watching Wylan like he was the most interesting thing in the entire world.
She moved to her stool and scooted it closer to Wylan, grabbing his hands.
“Does he know?”
“No,” Wylan said, looking down for a moment, he smiled as he thought of Jesper.
“We have talked about it of course. He’s always wanted to be married. I never did until I met him. And now I want nothing more, Isn’t that funny?”
“It is funny. The right person brings that out of you.” Her eyes were distant for no longer than a second before she asked.
“And– and do you know how you will ask?”
“I have a brief idea. Oh! I got the ring!”
“You got the ring!” Marya said louder than she should have.
“Mama!” Wylan said letting out a small surprised laugh at how loud she was being. The woman was so often quiet, he hardly ever saw this version of her. He held onto her hand then looked back at the doorway to make sure Jesper wasn’t there.
“Sorry–I’m sorry.” She said quieter, Wylan shook his head with a smile to tell his mom it was okay.
“You got the ring?” She repeated in an excited whisper. Wylan nodded.
“It’s in my study, I’ll have to show you later. But it’s gold and it has small diamonds engraved in it. The price was rather daunting but it feels absolutely worth it for him.”
She put her hand to her heart for a brief moment. Wylan looked up at the ceiling as he thought of his plan.
“I want it to be in Novyi Zem. I know that.” Wylan sucked in a breath.
“I want the crows involved, in some way if they can.”
Marya looked at his nervous but excited smile. She looked at how his eyes crinkled and suddenly her own eyes looked lost for a moment longer. She was grateful that Wylan was far too busy thinking of Jesper to notice.
“I want something big obviously. Jesper is not a simple man by any means, but also something tells me that I can propose to him in my pj’s and he’d be the happiest man in the world.”
He took a breath and turned to look at his canvas. The sketch he made of Jesper laughing. He turned back to Marya, his brows slightly rose to indicate that any second he’d start crying.
“Mama, I found someone who loves me so much and I didn’t have to do anything.” He sounded almost like he was in awe. Like the thought was unbelievable. She didn’t hesitate as she pulled him into another tight hug.
“And isn’t that special? To be loved without a purpose.” Wylan nodded in agreement. It kills Wylan that his mom never got to experience that. Jan always wanted an heir from her, nothing more. And when she finally did secure an heir, that still didn’t add up to be enough.
“I’m sorry.” Wylan found himself whispering to her. He was long past blaming himself for his parents wretched relationship but the empathy he feels towards his mom will never go away. She knew instantly where the apology was coming from. She knew who he was thinking of without having to even say his name.
“No-no darling no.” Marya said gently but sternly as she lightly rocked him in the hug. “Don’t feel sorry for me. This is about you.” She whispered. Wylan pulled back to look at her.
“I should never have said that. You’re right, It is a happy moment and I wish I never thought of him–.”
“I think of him.” Marya’s voice was so calm. Wylan eyed her almost suspiciously. As if trying to see if they were thinking of the same person.
“It’s ok… to think of him sometimes. Not just– not just bad thoughts.”
That made Wylan really look at her.
In the last four years since she’s been home neither Wylan nor Jesper or any of the staff has brought Jan’s name up around her. In fact, in the first few weeks, anything in the mansion that reminded her of him in the slightest would make her completely break down. Then she wouldn’t talk to anyone for days after.
His mom was never the same after the asylum but in the last four years he’s watched her turn into a stronger version of the woman she was before. She was broken but came back together all thanks to Wylan and Jesper and no thanks to him. He was not a part of their lives and Marya was all the better for it.
But here she sat, telling him that she still thought of him?
Wylan stayed silent. He wasn’t sure if she was gonna continue talking or not, she seemed lost in thought. She even smiled. She finally started talking. Her voice is no louder than a whisper.
“I think about him more than I’d like to admit.” That was followed by another beat of silence. So much so that Wylan is sure that they’d be able to hear a bird’s feather drop from hundreds of miles away.
“Don’t get me wrong, some nights the only way I can go to sleep is thinking of him rotting in hellgate for all he’s done.” She sniffled.
Wylan was half expecting her to cry, or leave the room, or break down like she’s done all those times before. But instead she closed her eyes and gave a hesitant smile and a soft sigh. Her brows furrowed.
“But then there are days when I close my eyes and I swear I can feel him holding my hand. I can almost recite the words he spoke when he proposed to me.” She then let out a breath of air.
“He was a fool then. An utter fool and I was in love.” She laughed again, a real laugh. Her eyes opened, meeting Wylan's.
Wylan couldn’t stop the silent tears that ran down his cheeks. His mom was talking about him so kindly.
“I hate him. And yet….still on some days I can’t stop thinking of that version of him.” She wiped Wylan’s tears with her thumb.
“How did he propose?” Wylan whispered. He had never heard the story before, even before he was eight, when they were at their best neither of them told him. He was almost expecting his mom not to answer.
“Well,” she thought for a moment. “Our proposal was planned by both of our parents. I ended up meeting him for the first time a day before he was supposed to ask me. I was so scared.” She wiped her nose with her wrist.
“I was seventeen and he was eighteen. He was so proper standing next to his father. Hands behind his back, suit impeccable. He has blonde hair now but it was ginger at the time. He was so so attractive.”
Wylan made a quick grossed out face at her words before fixing his face but she caught it.
“I know, I know. It is hard to picture that man as anything nicer than how he looks now but we were young and I also knew nothing of the world. I thought anyone was attractive and that could have been part of it.” Wylan let out a snort of a laugh and Marya smiled.
“I didn’t want to get married at all. I wasn’t ready, and to get married to a man as put together as he was? I was a wreck. And to make matters worse, the proposal was going to be set up in front of my entire family and his entire family. And the Merchant council at the time. So hundreds of people I didn’t know.”
“That sounds terrible.”
“It was terrible. I was so uncomfortable, but that isn’t the proposal that I counted.” Wylan’s head tilted.
“Later that night the man found my family's estate. Knocked on the door as if he lived there. He was always so confident. My father was so angry but he insisted on no more than twenty minutes with me alone. This was unheard of back then, totally improper."
She wasn’t looking at Wylan anymore, instead her voice was distant and her eyes sad, lost in the memory.
“Both of his hands took one of mine as he knelt down on his knee. He was nervous and out of breath. It was the first time I saw him not completely put together…. He said that he didn’t know me and I didn’t know him but that wouldn’t stop him from learning my favorite flower. It wouldn’t stop him from memorizing my favorite song on piano and that was saying a lot because he was awful at playing.”
She stopped for a moment. Her face filled with complete, utter, grief.
“He told me– he promised me.”
She shook her head and furrowed her brows, her frown evident, her anger now noticeable. Her whispered words were haunting.
“He promised me that it wouldn’t stop him from learning to love me.”
She looked away. Wylan wiped his own eyes before squeezing his mom’s hand again.
“And the worst part is he did, he did love me.” Her quick anger melted into something so light, so loving at her next words.
“Then we had you.”
Wylan swallowed not knowing what his mom would say next. He knew that his father hating him was not his fault, he knew his father hating his mother was not his fault. He knew his mother knew it was not his fault, and yet he still needed to keep Jesper’s voice in his head as a reminder, just in case his mother did say something along those lines.
But she didn’t, what she said was worse.
“Oh Wylan, he loved you.” She whispered her tears falling down onto their clasped hands.
Wylan looked at his mother, not hiding the small bit of anger he still had for his father.
“I hate him.” Marya said and Wylan nodded in agreement. She said the exact words he was thinking.
“And yet I still mourn him.” She admitted.
“He is dead, the man who is alive is not the same one who knelt down that day.”
“Ma–” But Marya shook her head and kept talking.
“Do not confuse this with longing. I would never ever choose to go back to that version of him even if I had the option. It was broken from the start.” Wylan didn’t answer but nodded.
“But then I would also choose to do it all over again. No matter the outcome I got you out of it.” She put her hand on his cheek and he lightly leaned into it.
“My mind will slip some days and I’ll catch myself comparing you to how he used to be. Your laugh will sound all too familiar, how you word things when you're trying to make a point, or when you play with your fingers when you’re nervous.”
Wylan used to feel nothing but hatred when anyone compared him to his father but for the first time in his life his hatred felt more like loss.
“You can be as precise as him and did you know you take your tea exactly like he used to?” Wylan let out a sad laugh.
“Do I?” This is the first time in years Wylan has smiled while thinking of Jan.
“Exactly.”
Marya took a moment to just look at him. She looked at one eye then the other, his nose, his brows, his hair, his features. All the things about him that reminded her so much of Jan.
“But then I see you with Jesper and that is when I realize you, Wylan Van Eck, are nothing like him. You have managed to take all of the good things from me and even your father and turn into a whole new man.”
Wylan didn’t know what to say so he just hugged his mom again.
There was a part of Wylan that didn’t find it fair that his mother had begun to think of Jan in any way that wasn’t anger when his father still wished nothing but the worst for them in his cell.
How can she grieve him?
But grief is just love with nowhere to go. And Marya’s love for Jan was lost far before he went to hellgate.
“I love you.” Wylan whispered.
“I love you.” She said back as she squeezed him tighter than before.
Grief is love with nowhere to go and Marya will always grieve that version of Jan. But her love is not lost, it’s all on Wylan.
Then suddenly there was a voice that appeared in the doorway.
“Are we hugging without me?” Jesper asked and Wylan rolled his eyes playfully as he finally pulled away from his mom.
Jesper sauntered over and tried hugging them both but Marya avoided it and moved her stool back in front of her canvas and Wylan put his hand up.
“What?” He asked, confused.
“You are so sweaty, Jesper.” Wylan said but his eyes lit up none the less. Jesper kissed his forehead instead.
“I may be sweaty but the garden looks fantastic.” He said with his usual smile.
His tone in voice changed to worry as he noticed how puffy wylan’s face looked.
“Sunshine, are you alright?” He asked.
Wylan sighed and looked at his mom then looked at Jesper.
“I’m more than alright.” He said and meant it, before wrapping his arms around his neck in a hug.
“I thought I was too sweaty.” Jesper said, making Wylan laugh.
“Do you guys want to see the garden so far?” Jesper asked.
“You two go, I’ll be here.” Marya said. They nodded and Jesper grabbed Wylan's hand and left the room. Their laughter was heard all throughout the house until they finally made it outside.
Marya looked at her empty canvas and began to paint the boy she used to know all those years ago.