Chapter Text
“I.M, congratulations.”
Those words ran through I.M’s head as he wobbled down towards his spot as the sixth member to debut. He had felt dizzy, and didn’t want to walk down as he felt as if it wasn’t his place too. However, he also wanted to debut just as bad as the other members did; too bad the other members didn’t realize that.
Walking down towards the spots was like walking on foreign territory for him. He just didn’t belong there. As much as he wanted to debut there was this little feeling inside of him. Something that was asking himself if he debuting like this was really the way for him to go. That didn’t matter right now. He is now part of a male kpop group that is under Starship Entertainment and he was going to have to deal with it.
Yeah….he was just going to have to “deal with it” (read as going through hell)
Once he was up on the stage, he looked around. Six other people, his future Monsta X members, were glaring at him. He could see the way they all looked at him. He felt like an outcast all over again, someone who deserved to go dig himself a hole. Heck, he could practically feel the glares of Gunhee and Seokwon from behind him. It did not feel good.
As each of the members was saying their goodbyes, tears threatened to leave his eyes. Here he was, standing in the territory of something he shouldn’t be trespassing on. He watched as the judges shook each of the other members hand, even hugging some of them. He also watched as they all walked right passed him, ignoring the fact that he was even there. Not only were his members being mean to him, but also his sunbaes?
He really just wanted to cry now.
Hell, he just wanted to debut with Nu’bility. Why did the stupid company have to have so little money? Why couldn’t things have just worked out the way things should have were he could have just debuted with members who didn’t actually despise him; members who actually cared for him.
No, he was stuck with some hyungs who could push him off a cliff at any given moment.
He knew good and well that going into No.MERCY would mean that he would receive a lot of hate. However, he didn’t know that the hate would be this strong. At times, it would be a little too much. It would reach points at which he couldn’t actually deal with it all that well.
And those were the times were he would cry himself to sleep.
The hate that he was getting now was stronger than the time were he had just joined No.MERCY. Back then, they only had a very strong hate for him. Back then, him debuting wasn’t a for sure fact. Now, they ‘despised’ him. He actually ended up debuting with them and had taken a place that didn’t belong to him. The glares and whispers behind his back were too much.
Hell, if that was too much, how would he deal with it if they cursed at him right in the face?
The fact is, he wouldn’t be able to deal with it, and that would be his breaking point. The point in which he would give up on everything that he had worked for, pack up, and leave. So, as he was in the car on the way to the dorm, the atmosphere was as heated as ever.
He sat in the very back, eager and restless to get home. Who cares about the situation at hand? This car ride was one of the worst experiences that he had ever experience, even worse than the bullies back in Boston. It was as if they all had eyes at the back of their heads and were giving him the deadliest glares. As he sat in the very back, he could feel the tension and restlessness coming from the person right beside him; Gunhee. He was sat all the way scooched over to the left, avoiding him as much as possible. Him, and the dead silence was enough to make him want to scream. And if that wasn’t enough, the words spoken next sure were.
“You should have never debuted in the first place.” Wonho said from right in front of him, turning around to give him the dirtiest look.
“Yeah, since when were your useless talents ever enough to make it into a kpop group.” Shownu said from right beside Wonho, giving him a snarl.
“You absolutely suck; why do you get to debut instead of me?” Seokwon said from the left of Gunhee, sighing and turning to look out of the window.
“Yeah, he’s right. You just deserve to live as a homeless man on the side of the street.” Gunhee said from right next to him, sticking his tongue out at him and flipping him off.
“To be honest, you are just some pathetic loser who feeds off of other people’s accomplishments just so you can get your way.” Kihyun said from in front of Minhyuk, murmuring something from under his breathe about how he should just go sell himself.
“Not just that, but he is also a useless bitch who deserves nothing but a pile of shit shoved down his throat. Not just that, but he also looks like a mother freaking turd.” Hyungwon said from besides Kihyun, flipping him off while keeping his eyes straight ahead.
“He probably did sell himself to debut, I mean why the hell else would some talentless trashcan be able to debut like this…” Minhyuk said.
By now his whole world was collapsing in on him. Every word they all said, every gesture they all made. It all piled up on him at once, and he couldn’t stand it anymore. Screw debuting, all he wanted to do was die. To die and rot in a hole; it was his only escape from this hellish life that he was living as a trainee. The tears that were falling down his eyes were no longer tears, but waterfalls of all the good memories that he had experienced as a trainee. The good times at Nu’bility, the fun things that he did with the Nu’bility members; it all came crashing down on him all at once to a point in which he was just done with every single sing that was going on right now. As he just kept on crying and crying to a point where he just couldn’t bear it. His head was pounding and his heart was beating fast. All of a sudden he felt as if he were explode but then…
A few words were said, right then. Words that will forever haunt his memories. Jooheon, from the very front of the car said these very few words.
And that was when he couldn’t go on any longer…
“Changkyun….” Jooheon said, “you should just go on a head and kill yourself..”
“Changkyun….”
“Changkyun…”
“Changkyun!”
I woke up with a start, bouncing up from my place on the top bunk. I was so startled that I had accidently bumped my head on the ceiling above me. It had really hurt as I put my hand up to my head and soothingly rubbed circles on the top my head.
I looked over to my left and found a very angry Kihyun, something that I had seen a lot of during No.MERCY.
“Changkyun, I have been yelling your name for the past twenty minutes! Hurry up and get ready, we are leaving in five minutes.” Kihyun said, before exiting the room, shutting the door behind him.
Right as he left, I immediately fell back down on my bed. I was sweating like crazy. My shirt was even drenched in sweat. Tears began to fall down my face as I stared up at the ceiling. No.MERCY had just ended yesterday, and the resent was still present in the dorm, hateful as ever. Today we were going to meet our manager for Monsta X, the group that we all debuted in. I know that No.MERCY had just ended yesterday, but we were still a team.
A team of people who all hate me, including myself.
While training for the final debut mission, I do have to admit, we were starting to get closer. I wasn’t friends with anyone, but they had finally began to talk to me. Interactions with the other members were something that I had begun to experience more often, and things were finally adding up to having a good start.
However, the words “I.M., congratulations” had changed that thought entirely.
The way things were had gone straight back to the beginning.
The nightmare that I had just had was probably because of all the anxiety that I had been having due to the stress of what had been happening. I do have to admit though, I have had nightmares before about things like that, but nothing to the extent of what I had just know.
Luckily, it was all just a dream.
Quickly remembering that I have to get ready in about five minutes, I quickly wiped the tears off of my face and climbed down the stairs to my bunk. Thankfully, meeting the manager and learning a few things about our debut were the only things that we would be doing today, so I don’t really have to get ready like I usually do on recording days. Tomorrow, however, might be a different story.
I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and hoodie from my drawer and rushed over to the bathroom. Thankfully, my eyes weren’t red anymore, but I did look a little shaken up. Brushing my hair and teeth, going to the bathroom, and putting on a layer of BB cream, I was now ready to go.
I was about to head off to the kitchen to grab a little something for breakfast when Shownu almost immediately interrupted me.
“Changkyun, we are leaving now! There is no time for breakfast, hurry up!” Shownu said from the doorway, causing me to make a 180 turn and head straight to the door.
As I got to the door, I quickly put on my shoes and rushed straight out of the door. More than half of the other members were already in the car, and I could tell that they were pissed, specifically at me.
“Changkyun, what took you so long? Hurry up or we are going to be late!” Hoseok yelled from the passenger seat, causing me to flinch.
“Sorry hyung.” I apologized, quickly heading to my space at the back of the van far away from the other members.
I was seated next to Jooheon, the only person who I could actually hold a conversation with for more than 10 seconds. However, music was the only thing that we talked about, and that was okay.
“Seriously speaking, Changkyun, what took you so long?” He whispered into my ear as I put my seatbelt on after taking a seat. As the car took off, everyone was silent. I was afraid of speaking, for everyone could hear me, and that is something that I don’t actually want. It’s a shame that they can’t even have conversations right in front of me, a fact that almost makes me want to cry. I know that things will eventually work out, but it will probably be years from now, a time so far away that i don’t actually know for sure if they will ever be close to me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I whispered as silent as possible into Jooheon’s ear, not wanting anybody else to hear me.
“Oh, ok.” He quietly responded back. I was grateful that he didn’t bother me on the subject and insist on me telling him (which I never will because I know that he doesn’t actually care), but I knew that he never would anyway.
And those were the only words spoken on the entire car ride.
***
The Starship Entertainment building looked just like I had remembered. All of those days I would walk in to start practicing were memories that felt just as if it was yesterday. Walking into the building, a staff member guided us to the elevator and pressed the button to the fourth floor. The elevator ride was quiet, just as I had expected. As we got off, she led us to this room at the very end of the hallway. As we walked into the room, we were met with this middle-aged man. He was probably our manager for Monsta X, and he looked nice enough. Two other people were in there, people who I recognized. They were probably the other managers/staff for Monsta X.
After entering, we all took seats around the meeting table. The atmosphere was tense and everybody looked on edge. It was probably because of the fact that I was in the room, and that was a fact that I wasn’t very fond of.
“Hello, everyone. I’m your manager for Monsta X, the name of your group, and it’s nice to meet you.” He said as he bowed to everyone. We all then got up and bowed to him, giving him our greetings as well.
“So, as you all know, you guys are now part of the new Starship Entertainment boy group, Monsta X. It will be a hip-hop group, as you already know, blah blah blah. You guys probably already know the gist of what’s going on, and what this new group will be like, or maybe you don’t. However, all of that stuff isn’t important right now. I will go over in more detail about our group at a later time, but for now we have something more important to discuss, something that will affect your debut drastically.” He said, causing all heads to turn in confusion.
No one knew what he was talking about, and they didn’t know what to expect. Hell, even though I was in this sort of position before, I had no idea what he was talking about either. Another thing I didn’t know was that that ‘thing’ that was so important was something that was about to create extreme awkwardness between all of the members.
“Teamwork. A good kpop group can’t be successful without teamwork. And, as you all know, you guys aren’t on good terms with Changkyun, and I want to change that. I know that it can’t happen in a day, but I want you guys to start bonding right now. So, what’s going to happen is I am going to leave this room, and you guys are going to hold a conversation for about ten minutes. I know it sounds stupid, but I also know that your guy’s conversations with Changkyun aren’t exactly over ten seconds so don’t whine at me. You can begin now.” He said, and with that, him and the two other managers left it at that.
This was the most confused I have ever been throughout all of my trainee days, and I have had a good share of confusing moments. This one, however, was the most confusing thing that has happened today.
I am pretty sure that this isn’t how bonding works, and I am also sure that all of the other members are aware of that fact also. Apparently, this new manager was very eager to get things rolling, and I wasn’t actually too fond of that. He was getting started with things too quickly, and it wasn’t making me exactly comfortable.
However, I am grateful for the fact that he was trying to get us to work together and too help us get a long, but this wasn’t the right way to do it. Personally, I would be fine with his way of things because I am desperate to be able to converse with the other members, but the other members probably thought the exact opposite of me.
And I was totally right.
“Well, this is awkward.” Wonho said, as he looked around the room. When he looked at me, he glared at me, but then immediately went back to looking around the room.
“Things wouldn’t be this way if I.M didn’t even debut in the first place.” Minhyuk said, causing everyone to sigh.
“Come on Minhyuk, don’t say things like that, even if it’s true.” Kihyun said, almost causing me to tear up.
Here they were, my future members, dissing and calling me out right in front of my face. I don’t know if they know that I hate it, but even if they did it probably wouldn’t change a thing.
“I’m done with this,” Hyungwon said, standing up and leaving towards the door, “I don’t know what that new manager was thinking, but there is no way I am doing this. I don’t know what things will be like years on later from now, but I am definitely not bonding with you anytime soon.” He said, before opening the door and stomping out of the room.
“He’s right.” Minhyuk said, before taking his exit immediately after.
Wonho followed, and then Shownu, then Kihyun, and then Jooheon left leaving me alone in the meeting room silently crying. Things were not looking good for me, and I am pretty sure that they weren’t supposed to do that just now. Unfortunately, they didn’t care. They would do anything to get rid of Changkyun, even if it meant doing things they shouldn’t, even Jooheon.
I sat there, crying in the room as I thought of the things to come. This debut, even though I wanted it so badly, was something that I was not looking forward to.