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Bucky had been doing fine. He was doing FINE okay? The nightmares weren't that bad, he was able to leave the room for a few hours every day and he even laughed sometimes. He was doing fine. Except when he wasn't. Sometimes it would be little things that triggered him. The sound of a lone gunshot, Tony raising his voice ever so slightly, Sam watching old war movies, thunder storms. But he was FINE. When things did happen he could handle it ya know? Steve was usually there, and Stevie makes everything seem... less bad. Sometimes though Steve isn't there holding Bucky when he needs it the most because fucking Tony would call him down for something stupid or a mission.
Tonight Bucky wishes Steve was here.
New York didn't get terrible storms, really. They could be bad, but most of the time they were, ya know, fine. The one tonight though, it had cracks of thunder and lighting every couple of fucking seconds. It wasn't even Thor! Bucky had all his crazy ideas of what it could be while curled up on the couch in Steve's sweater (something about the smell or maybe it was just his way of pretending Steve's arms were around him.); he thought maybe it could be a hurricane, bomb threats coming to life, gods punishing him for everything he's done. It was all his fault right? "Allmyfaultallmyfaultallmyfault-" He stood abruptly and walked to the kitchen looking for a distraction. If Steve was here he'd say something like, "Buck it wasn't you, it was never your fault sweetheart" or "Just breathe Buck you're safe now, no ones coming for you. I'm here." Bucky bit his nails pacing back and forth in the kitchen, eyeing the teapot, willing it to boil faster so he could get back to the safety of the couch. Where he could curl up in the ball and hide from any glimpse of the storm, blasting the tv so he couldn't hear anything.
It all happened so fucking fast and all of a sudden everything was NOT fine.
Fucking Tony and all his fancy fucking electrical work.
A particularly loud clap of thunder sounded before the lights flickered and than shut off all together. Bucky was in complete darkness, complete silence except for the one sound he's been trying to block out all night. See what fucking sucks about this is The Winter Soldier would be out of this apartment is .02 seconds because lights out means someone's going to sneak up on you and try to kill you or fight you and- Bucky can't think about that. He can't. He doesn't want to kill anyone or fight anyone he just wants Steve to make the storm stop!
He drops to his knees immediately and backs up to the corner of the kitchen. "No no no please-" he loses his breath when another clap of thunder hits and now he's breathing heavy. "Steve.." he whimpers and buries his head in his arms while he pulls his knees toward his chest.
The metal in his arm is squeaking with how tight his first is. His flesh hand has blood running down it.
He's breathing too quickly and he's panicking because he can't see and it's scary. It's scary. And he shakes his head with how weak he feels; like he could shatter into pieces at any second because he can actually feel the thunder now.
A click and he hears the door squeak as it opens.
"Whose there!" He yells out and hates that his voice cracks. Weak. He stands up quickly ready for a fight, even though he can't see where he's going, years of being the Winter Soldier prepared him for finding his way through darkness. He hears boots landing heavy on the floor and as he rounds the corner he jumps at the intruder. He blocks a couple punches, gets some in himself before another clap of thunder sounds and he falters, letting out a pathetic whimper.
"Bucky! Buck is that you baby!?" Steve says shocked and tries to grab onto his boyfriend but he's already on the ground, knees pulled to his chest, back against the wall. Bucks shaking so much now that he can't respond, just tries to focus on not passing out. He attacked Steve, why is he always hurting the things he loves the most- The tea kettle is squealing so loud, like its yelling at Bucky, scolding him for fighting like his mother used to. He starts crying and Steve is in front of him, on the floor, his hands on either side of Bucky's face. It's pitch black in the house but that doesn't matter, Steve always finds his Bucky, like a match in the darkness. Buck flinches back under Steve's hands. Steve, trying not to feel so hurt that Bucky pushed him away, runs to move the kettle off the stove, knowing it'll probably make the situation worse if it kept screeching. When he comes back, he crouches down to his boyfriend in the corner. "Bucky..." He doesn't reach out to touch quite yet, afraid to set Bucky off more. "Bucky it's me, you're safe you're okay." When Bucky doesn't respond Steve moves to sit across from him and slowly starts to touch him. Playing with the loose string on his sweatpants, "All the windows and doors are locked.." he makes sure to keep his voice low and calm, "I can make you a cup of tea and-" he moves both his hands to Bucky's arms, rubbing softly, "We can lay in bed and I swear I won't let go of you until morning. How does that sound hmm? Baby?" .
When Bucky opens his eyes he realizes that Steve's has a lantern; it's small and barely lights up his face but it's enough to calm Bucky's nerves. With a sob he falls into Steve's arms, "That sounds p-perfect Stevie.'
Later, surrounded by all the candles Steve lit for the bedroom, Bucky remembers what it was like before they became super soldiers. He pulls Steve closer to his chest, using his boyfriend as a life size teddy bear. He thinks about when their power would get shut off because they didn't pay rent. He thinks about how he'd hold Steve just like this when there was a storm. He thinks about when he was fearless. They can't go back to that time before the war but it'll be fine because they have each other.