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Hayden sits across from Shane in Shane’s Montreal apartment, nursing a beer.
Shane is clearly very nervous, changing positions six times in the last five minutes. He had asked Hayden to come over, saying he had to tell Hayden something about himself and that he hoped it wouldn’t affect their friendship.
Hayden had a guess what it was. For all the years Hayden had been friends with him, Hayden known Shane was different. The social aspects of being on a team didn’t always come naturally to Shane. He thrived as a captain on the ice and was friendly with everyone on the team, but he struggled when it came to actually making friends. The only reason Shane and Hayden were friends at all was because Hayden had bullied him until he finally agreed to hang out.
Hayden had guessed early on that Shane had autism, and their continued time together only solidified that theory. He always tried to make clear to Shane that he could tell him anything, but never tried to push. Instead, he just did his best to support and accommodate Shane however he could. Jackie had been endlessly helpful in that endeavor. Hayden was confident that, at the very least, the Pike home had become a place where Shane could feel safe and comfortable. He wouldn’t ask for more than that.
But that didn’t mean Hayden didn’t want more. Hayden was almost giddy, thrilled his friend finally felt comfortable enough to open up to him.
Although, it seems that Shane was now second guessing opening up. They had started off with some small talk about Jackie and the kids until Hayden asked what Shane wanted to tell him. Shane seemed to be looking for the right words and they had spent the past few minutes in awkward silence while Shane tried to get the courage to share, opening and closing his mouth until Hayden finally decided to have mercy.
“Shane, it’s okay, I already know about you. I just haven’t said anything because I wanted you to have the chance to tell me yourself.”
Hayden thought that would be comforting, but Shane looks stricken.
“You already knew? How?”
Hayden resists the urge to roll his eyes, knowing now is not the time, but still tries inject some levity to hopefully help Shane calm down.
“I’m not just a pretty face, you know. I’m not entirely oblivious.”
“Does- does everyone know?”
Hayden suddenly understands where Shane’s anxiety is coming from. “No, of course not! But you’re my best friend, I’ve known you for years and I’ve seen the signs. Plus, Jackie and I have actually done a lot of research into this. It’s not something we’ve told anyone, but we actually had Ruby tested a couple of years ago.”
Strangely, Shane looks horrified. “I- What does that even mean? Is that even legal?”
Hayden laughs, “Yes, obviously it’s legal, what are you talking about? I assumed you would’ve been tested and that’s how you knew. Did you never get an official diagnosis?”
“Diagnosis?! No! It’s not a fucking disease. It’s not something that needs to be cured! What the fuck?” Shane exclaims.
Hayden immediately feels bad. He knows people have a lot of complex emotions about the necessity (and dangers) of autism diagnoses, and he shouldn’t be so presumptuous. He refrains from face palming and offers a tentative smile instead. “Of course, you’re right. I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, I was just curious how you knew for sure.”
Shane blushes. “I mean, how does anyone know for sure? I… I met someone.”
Hayden perks up, glad their conversation is finally going somewhere. “Oh! Someone… like you?” He winces, knowing there was probably a better way to phrase that.
Shane covers his face. “Yes. I mean, I guess. We’re very different but we do share that… mutual interest.”
“Yeah, of course you’re not the exact same! I know it’s a spectrum.” Hayden wonders what he could have meant by mutual interest. He’s read some people with autism have “special interests,” and it’s always been clear that hockey was Shane’s; he’s never met someone so intensely passionate and focused as Shane is with hockey. So that must mean- “Oh! So they are also really into hockey? Are they also a player?”
Shane’s jaw drops and Hayden has to suppress his laughter at the comical look on his face. “How the fuck did you guess that?”
Hayden finally allows himself to roll his eyes. “It’s not like it’s a secret hockey is your life. You know the stats of literally every player in the league. What else would you be interested in?”
Shane looks like he is having an epiphany and mutters something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like “do I have a hockey kink?” but Hayden is too focused on trying to figure out who helped Shane figure out he is autistic to pay attention to that.
Hayden suddenly remembers Shane’s recent announcement that he would be forming a charity with Ilya Rozanov. A mental health charity. Hayden had been confused at the time but now it all makes sense. “Oh my god, is it Ilya Rozanov?”
Shane actually jumps out of his seat. “What the fuck? What? How? Why would you say that?”
“That’s why you two are making the foundation together! It all makes sense!”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe this. Please, Hayden, you can’t tell anyone.”
Hayden waves his concerns away. “Of course not, it’s not my secret to tell. Just… wow. I’m shocked. I never would have guessed that about him. He’s so…” how does he say this without sounding like an ableist asshole? “social.”
Shane rolls his eyes. “I assume you’re referring to all the woman he’s fucked?”
Hayden throws his hands up in surrender. “Whoa! I did not say that. But, I mean, yeah that’s part of it.”
“He’s bisexual.”
Hayden blinked. “Um. Okay. That’s good for him. I guess? I feel like that’s maybe not something you should be telling me.” Hayden is fairly certain not outing people is a big social faux pax. Maybe Shane doesn’t realize that because of his autism. Wait, is that offensive for Hayden to think?
Shane gets defensive, “I’m just clarifying because you didn’t seem to believe me!”
Hayden throws his hands up again. “I didn’t say I didn’t believe you! But I don’t understand why you even know he is bisexual or what that has to do with him being autistic.”
“What?” Shane asks, brow furrowing. “Ilya isn’t autistic. Why would you even think that?”
“Um, you literally just told me that he is.”
“No I didn’t! Is this some kind of joke to you?” Hayden sees that Shane is getting flushed now and can’t tell if it’s more from embarrassment or anger.
“What? Of course not! Is it a joke to you? You just told me that Rozanov was the one to help you realize you’re autistic.”
“WHAT?” Shane shouts, and it startles Hayden so bad he almost falls out of his seat. “I’m not autistic! I’m gay!”
“Well the two aren’t mutually exclusive- Wait, you’re gay???”
“I just came out to you!”
Hayden jumps out of his seat. “You’re gay for ILYA ROZANOV?”
“That’s what our entire conversation was about!”
“No, we were discussing the fact you have autism!”
“Why do you keep saying that? Why do you think I have autism?”
“Why are you gay for Ilya Rozanov?”
“You can’t just ask someone why they’re gay, Hayden, that’s offensive!”
Hayden gasps. “No, wait, I’m an ally! I love that you’re gay! Just like I love that you’re autistic! Or, no, I don’t love it, it would be fine if you weren’t. I mean I love you despite you being gay and autistic. Wait, that’s not better. I mean-“
Hayden is spiraling in desperation to be a good ally until Shane thankfully interrupts. “Stop saying I’m autistic! Why do you even think that?”
“Shane… buddy… You have like ten foods you’re willing to eat-“
“-I’m on a macrobiotic diet, you know this-“
“You only drink ginger ale-“
“-It’s a good drink-”
“You get overstimulated if we go clubbing-“
“-Only because it’s are so flashy and loud-”
“You’ve memorized every Stanley Cup winner by year-“
“-Sorry for caring about hockey, my career-“
“You never want to watch anything but hockey-“
“-That’s so not true, I watched that action move with you just last month-“
“You take everything literally-“
“-Not everything- wait, well, hmm…”
“You have an organizational system for every part of your life and get twitchy if you see any of the team’s cubbies are too messy. You bite my head off if I try to change your morning routine when we share a hotel room. And I am the only person on the team you are even willing to room with. You never realize when people are flirting with you. You…” Hayden trails off when he realizes Shane has collapsed back into his seat and is hyperventilating.
“I can’t believe this. I just wanted to tell you I’m gay…” Shane moaned out.
“I can’t believe you didn’t know you are autistic.”
“I can’t believe I thought you had actually figured out I’m in love with Ilya.”
Hayden should definitely be comforting Shane but- “You’re in love with Rozanov??”
Shane brings his knees up to his chest and buries his head under his arms, groaning. Hayden also collapses into his seat, feeling like his whole world has shifted beneath his feet. He should comfort Shane. He should reassure him that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, even if it’s with Rozanov. But he thinks about how it went when he tried to be a good ally about Shane being autistic…
Instead, they both sit in silence, thinking on repeat, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.