Chapter Text
Atsushi caught his breath as he and Akutagawa finally came to a stop after running. The woods around them were dense, but it seemed like they had finally escaped from the ability user who had tried to capture them. What a failure of a mission. Sweat dripped down his face from the strenuous escape. He sighed, lifting up his wrist – the one that was still within a metal, ability-canceling handcuff.
“This is bad. How are we gonna get out of here?”
Akutagawa lifted his own wrist, shackled by the other side of the pair of cuffs. The slight tug made Atsushi’s arm feel heavy in the restraint. “We keep going. And try to find a way to break out of these.”
Akutagawa didn’t look much better than he did. Though he tried to keep his composure, Atsushi could still see the way his chest heaved as he struggled for breath after the run. Clearly, their speed and stamina had taken a hit without being able to use their abilities.
Atsushi nodded, sighing as he began to go through a plan in his head. “Right. How good are you at hiking?”
Akutagawa looked at him as if he’d asked a stupid question. Maybe he had. Akutagawa certainly hadn’t come dressed for hiking, in his long black coat and frilled shirt, with his black shoes and their slight heels. “Do I look like I go?”
Atsushi glanced at what he was wearing, and then at himself. They were both dressed in their usual clothes – white shirts, black pants. Though Atsushi’s gave him a bit more room for rough activities, Akutagawa was definitely not in hiking clothes. He let out a short huff in disbelief. “You look more like you’re going to a funeral.”
Akutagawa gave him a sharp look. “I didn’t imagine I would be trudging through mud and grass when I left this morning.”
Atsushi just looked back at him with a mix of disbelief and concern. He wasn’t sure why he was even surprised at this point. “You know what, it doesn’t matter, let’s just get going. At least while it’s still light out.”
“Barely.” Akutagawa pulled at the cuff around his wrist some more, seemly trying to activate his ability, but failing. The cuff clinked with a metallic sound that felt out of place among the natural sounds surrounding them. It was clearly still working. He growled under his breath.
Atsushi glanced at his wrist as he tried to activate his ability, shaking his head in disappointment. “Don’t. We both know those won’t budge. All you’re going to do is bruise your wrist.”
“Obviously I know that.” He snapped.
Atsushi rolled his eyes at him, crossing his arms. “Then why’d you try to use your ability anyway? And don’t snap at me when I’m just trying to state facts!”
“I tried to use my ability because the last person I want to be stuck with like this is you.”
Atsushi raised his eyebrows before giving him a sharp glare. “As if you’re any more pleasant to be stuck with! And yet, here we are, stuck like this! So now stop whining and get moving!”
Akutagawa seemed slightly taken aback by the command. “Fine, Fine. I’m walking. You don’t have to drag me by the wrist.”
Atsushi rolled his eyes as the two of them began walking. He started out at a medium pace, just in case Akutagawa actually did have some trouble with the rough wooded path. He wasn’t going to admit to accommodating him though, now that he was a bit annoyed with him. “If you’re going to complain this much, I won’t hesitate to drag you by the wrist, y’know.”
“If you have some issue with my pace, then why don’t you carry me?” Akutagawa scoffed, the sarcasm dripping from his tone.
Atsushi shot another glance at him, and let out a small noise of disbelief. “You’re joking, right? No way you’re serious. Me, carry you all the way out of here?”
“Oh, how could I forget? I doubt you could lift me at all when you can’t turn into a weretiger.” Akutagawa shook his head. It wasn’t like he actually intended to be carried, so he continued to walk. To where, he didn’t know.
Atsushi grit his teeth, trying to keep his temper in check. If there was one thing he could say about Akutagawa, is that he knew how to get under his skin. “You know what? Come here.” Atsushi quickly grabbed him by the waist and lifted him, putting him over his shoulder. He was surprisingly light. Although he had to admit, the look on his face as he was grasped almost made any effort worth it. Akutagawa let out a small yelp as he was unexpectedly thrown over Atsushi’s shoulder. He thrashed a bit in surprise at being carried.
Atsushi rolled his eyes as he felt the other man squirm, adjusting his grip to make sure he didn’t fall. Though Akutagawa wasn’t tough to lift, the cuffs on their wrists still made it a little awkward to try to keep him there. “Stop squirming. You asked me to carry you, didn’t you? This is your fault. Now stop moving around or I really will drop you.”
“I meant on your back, fool!” He tried to pull himself from Atsushi’s grasp, but the movement caused him to slip off and tumble onto the grassy dirt, yanking Atsushi down with him by the handcuff, the metal clinking as they dropped from the precarious carry.
Atsushi cursed as the two of them fell. He landed on top of Akutagawa. “You should have been more specific then. You know, I was actually starting to like the feeling of throwing you over my shoulder like a sack of grain.” He tried to sit up, only to realize how awkward this was. His knee was between Akutagawa’s legs, and the two were so, so, close together. His face turned a bit red out of embarrassment.
“Do it again, and you’ll be worse off than just sitting on the ground.” Akutagawa’s face flushed slightly as well. “And get your knee out from there before you hurt me.”
Atsushi blushed even more as he glanced at his leg nearly pushing against Akutagawa’s crotch. He scrambled to shift his leg out of the way, but he couldn’t move off of him fully. Not with the handcuff binding their hands together. “I don’t know why you’d think I would know you wanted me to carry you bridal-style.”
Akutagawa got to his knees, still sitting in front of Atsushi, eyes widening at the sentiment briefly before he turned his face away. “I never said a thing about bridal-style!”
Atsushi moved with him, sitting on his knees in front of the other man. He crossed his arms and huffed. “What else could you possibly mean by ‘on your back’? How else was I supposed to carry you without making it weird?”
“On your back! Piggy-back, like a horse! Not on my back!”
Atsushi’s face flared again at being compared to a horse of all things. “You know, you could’ve just said ‘piggy-back’.”
“It was my mistake. For a moment, I forgot you were so dim-witted.” He snarled. “Forget about carrying anyone. Just get up off the ground already and let’s walk.”
Atsushi grumbled to himself, annoyed at the constant insults, but began to stand, tugging on the handcuffs to pull Akutagawa up with him. “Fine, but I’m not forgetting about this any time soon. I just don’t wanna sit here and argue when we don’t have much time.”
Akutagawa staggered a bit as his heels sunk into the soft ground. Atsushi almost instinctively reached out to help him, but he had a feeling he’d only be snapped at for it. Akutagawa dusted himself off as he got to his feet. “Nor do I. The darkness is setting in.”
Atsushi looked up, noticing the sun was setting fast, and the light they had was fading quickly. “Yeah... We really do need to move. Hopefully we find something before it gets too dark, or at least a spot to camp for the night.”
Akutagawa began to walk again. “I can’t tell if we’ve been making progress getting through this area, or if we’ve been wandering the woods in circles. That being said, no one from the facility has pursued us yet.”
Atsushi had to agree. They hadn’t seen or heard anyone trying to follow them since their escape, which was good, but also slightly worrying. “I was thinking the same thing. I can’t even tell at this point. At least we don’t seem to have anyone after us. The one who captured us had an ability that allowed them to manipulate space, I believe. They might not have the ability to find us even if they tried.”
Akutagawa let out a groan, a realization coming to his mind. “If they have the ability to manipulate space, we might be going in circles because they’re using it on the entire wooded area.”
Atsushi suddenly paused in horror. He hadn’t even thought about that possibility. The idea of being trapped in a never-ending loop of trees was not a good thought. “Oh no. What if we are?”
“Then we’ll just have to go back there and eliminate them.”
Atsushi gritted his teeth. He didn’t want to be stuck here either, but he did not like that suggestion. “What? No! We do not need to do that! We aren’t going back. Do you hear me? We don’t even know if we’re going in circles yet. We just... We just need to keep going. Hopefully, we’re gonna find some way out of here.”
Akutagawa snarled a bit, but continued to walk in the direction that Atsushi was going. “Fine. But only because you would only be dead weight while bound to my arm.”
Atsushi rolled his eyes. He didn’t like the idea of being seen as “dead weight” to someone like Akutagawa. “Hey! I can handle myself just fine, I’ll have you know. I don’t weigh you down at all! And besides, you’re a bit of a ‘dead weight’ yourself right now, too. Those ability-canceling handcuffs stop you from using Rashomon after all.”
“I’m still capable of fighting without my ability. Can you say the same?”
Atsushi let out a small noise of frustration. Of course he could fight without his tiger transformation. He had to do it before, and he could do it again. “Yes, I can. I know how to defend myself without using my ability too, you know. Why do you need to underestimate me, anyway?”
Akutagawa shoved his free hand into his pocket. “You never had to endure the kind of training... Never mind. This isn’t the time.”
Atsushi slowed his pace, the chain between them going taut. The way Akutagawa’s voice had trailed off felt heavy – darker than the shadows stretching between the trees now that the sun was all but gone. “What kind of ‘training’?” Atsushi asked, his voice softer now, the irritation momentarily forgotten.
Akutagawa continued to walk despite the pull on his wrist from Atsushi’s slowed pace. “Physical training. Endurance training. Etcetera.”
Atsushi was silent for a moment, the statement making him think. He could see the change in Akutagawa’s body language as they walked a bit staggered now, Akutagawa slightly ahead. “How rough exactly was your training?”
He shot Atsushi a glare. “You know the answer to that already.”
Atsushi didn’t like the answer, but he knew already. He was all too familiar with the abuse under the Port Mafia since getting to know Kyouka. He had observed the way she acted, even in moments of quiet. Her senses were always on alert, as if she was waiting to be attacked. He hadn’t thought much about Akutagawa being on the receiving end of such training and hardship, until now. “Yeah. That question was dumb. I shouldn’t have asked.”
Akutagawa coughed quietly. It seemed like he was trying to suppress the sound, though it wasn’t like Atsushi hadn’t heard him do it before. Regardless, he didn’t press the issue anymore, seeming to be satisfied with the response.
Atsushi decided to bring up a new topic, even though the previous still hung heavy in the back of his mind. A conversation to pass the time until they found anything resembling a way out seemed better than wandering in silence. “I have a question. And I expect the truth from you for once. Are you going to be alright walking like this with that cough?”
Akutagawa glared over his shoulder, eyes narrowed. Clearly it was the wrong question. “I can walk perfectly fine. I don’t drive, so I’m used to taking long walks at least.”
Atsushi had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at that. “You didn’t answer my question, though. I’m not asking if you can walk perfectly fine, I’m asking if you’re going to be alright walking in the cold outside with that cough. Are you sure it’s not giving you any problems right now?”
“I didn’t realize that you were suddenly a physician. No, I’m not having any problems or pains. This is simply par for the course.”
Atsushi huffed in annoyance. Why did Akutagawa have to be so stubborn? “I’m just concerned. Even if you’re used to taking long walks, this is a lot of walking to do all at once. What if you collapse or something?”
“That would be unfortunate for you wouldn’t it?” He imagined Atsushi trying to drag his lifeless body out of the woods. “I’ll let you know if I need to rest. Then, we can sit down somewhere and catch our breath, okay?” His tone was still pricked with annoyance despite his compromise.
Atsushi let out a breath of air through his nose, shaking his head a bit. “Yeah, alright, deal. But you better not try to push yourself too hard and not say anything. Because if you collapse out of exhaustion I will not carry you. I swear I will drag you by your hair if I have to.”
“Fine, we have a deal.” Akutagawa continued to walk, seeming unhindered for the time being.
Atsushi nodded, picking his pace back up a little bit to walk beside him again. The silence he’d wanted to avoid started to set back in, making his shoulders grow tense. “So, uh, just to pass the time – I’m curious.”
“Go on.” Akutagawa said, seeming to be surprisingly open to letting Atsushi talk to him.
Atsushi paused for a moment, hesitating slightly about the question. It was just a random thing, but he was genuinely curious about the answer. “Do you, uhm, have any skills or talents that don’t involve fighting or killing? Any hobbies at all?”
Akutagawa turned to him and gave him a rather curious look. The pause was just as tense as when they were walking without talking before he finally spoke. “Yes, I do.”
Atsushi wasn’t expecting Akutagawa to actually answer the question, let alone say that he did have hobbies. “Really? What are they? What hobbies do you have?”
Akutagawa gave him an honest and surprisingly normal response. “I like to visit antique shops and cafes. Sometimes I go out shopping for clothes with my sister.”
Atsushi’s face stayed filled with a mix of surprise and disbelief. Antique shops and cafes? Shopping for clothes with his sister? Those sounded like some of the most normal interests someone could have, not something he would expect to hear from a mafia member, especially one that acted like Akutagawa. “You... like going shopping? And visiting antique shops? Really?”
“I know you like to imagine me as a creature that spends all his time lurking in dark alleyways, waiting for something to kill and eat, but I do actually have a life outside of my work.”
Atsushi tensed a bit, realizing that Akutagawa saw through him. He really did think of him like that – sometimes at least. He puffed his cheeks in embarrassment. “Hey. I never said I thought of you as some ‘dark creature’ or anything. I just... I never expected someone like you to be interested in those kinds of things, is all.”
He chuckled slightly, seemingly amused rather than offended. “Anyone can have hobbies, Weretiger.”
Atsushi huffed again. He knew that already. He just didn’t think that Akutagawa would be one to have hobbies like that. He struggled to imagine him standing in a vintage store looking at antiques. He tried to visualize him in his intimidating black clothes picking out and buying a fancy teapot. “You don’t really strike me as the ‘shopping and antique browsing’ kind of guy, that’s all. You’re more the type to, I don’t know, sit alone in your room sharpening knives, or something.”
Akutagawa maintained a stony look. “If it makes you feel any better, I do that on occasion as well.”
Atsushi snickered slightly. “Yeah, I believe that. I’m really having a hard time imagining you shopping for… I don’t know, clothes, or something.”
“Why do you find it hard to believe that I would shop for clothes? Obviously I wear clothing?” Akutagawa gestured to his long black coat.
“Well, duh. It’s just that, I doubt you’d be the type to try out different ‘styles’, y’know? I just can’t picture you trying on a bunch of different outfits before deciding on what to wear. That’s all.” Atsushi tried to imagine a scene of Akutagawa trying on lots of colorful outfits, like a fashion montage. It was just as absurd as the teapot.
“I don’t typically go on long shopping sprees, no, but I do buy new clothes for when I’m not working.”
Atsushi had to admit, that did make sense. But the idea of Akutagawa going shopping for clothes – browsing racks, modeling in the changing room – made him suppress a chuckle as he imagined it. “Well, yeah, I suppose you would need some casual clothes for when you’re not working. I think the image of you doing that just doesn’t mesh well with your character in my head.”
“Right, the ‘creature’ in your head. Like I said, I go out with my sister sometimes.”
Atsushi sighed in resignation. He hadn’t actually meant to imply that he thought of Akutagawa like that. He couldn’t exactly blame Atsushi for assuming it, but still. “It’s actually kind of cute that you shop with your sister, not gonna lie.”
Akutagawa stopped mid-stride, the handcuff yanking Atsushi to a stop as well. His eyebrows furrowed as he spoke. “It isn’t ‘cute’.” He hissed, the casual air from a moment ago vanishing instantly. “Familial obligations are just a natural part of life.”
Atsushi was amused at his response, oblivious to the offence Akutagawa had taken. “No, I think it is cute. I bet you just wait patiently, sitting there quietly on the shopping mall benches while she tries on like ten different outfits, right?”
“Of course I would be patient with her. She can take as long as she needs.”
“And that’s cute, that you act so sweet and soft to your sister.”
“I act perfectly normal to my sister. I suppose I shouldn’t expect you to have a strong understanding of familial relationships.” He scoffed.
Atsushi tensed up a bit at that. He faltered a bit as he tried to keep the memory of the orphanage director from slipping into his mind. Of course Akutagawa had to make some kind of jab at him. Maybe he shouldn’t have risked saying he was “cute” so many times. He grunted in annoyance. “Hey, I understand perfectly fine the value of familial love, thank you very much. I was just asking a question, I wasn’t making any accusations.”
“Fine. You’re off the hook this time.” Akutagawa let it go, but he didn’t loosen up like he had before. He started to walk again, quicker this time.
Atushi shuffled awkwardly to catch up, the chain jingling as his arm was pulled ahead of him. “Yeah, got it. So, can I ask you another question? About your sister I mean.”
“You’re full of questions, aren’t you, Weretiger?” His tone was starting to sound bored, or even exhausted, but he didn’t stop Atsushi from talking. “Are you actually trying to make small talk with me?”
Atsushi bit back a mixture of slight annoyance and embarrassment. “What? No, I’m not trying to make small talk with you!” He insisted, though that was basically exactly what he was doing. “We really don’t have anything else to focus on while we’re walking. And besides, you haven’t minded me talking to you up until now!”
“And I still don’t, so go on.”
Atsushi sighed, relieved that Akutagawa hadn’t just told him to forget it. “Well, I know it’s probably going to be a touchy subject, so you can just refuse to answer if you want, but I’m curious.”
Akutagawa looked at him, waiting for him to continue with the question. His expression was blank.
Atsushi took a deep breath before continuing, hoping that he didn’t really piss Akutagawa off. “It’s just something I’ve been curious about. Can I ask you why you and your sister are in the mafia? How did you end up there? I know it’s a random thought and all, but I was wondering since your sister came up.”
“We were taken in by Dazai when we were very young and living on the streets.” He answered matter of fact–ly, not offering any more explanation than that.
Atsushi was surprised that Akutagawa actually answered. “Living on the streets – and Dazai?”
“The one and only.” He said it like it was so obvious, like Atsushi’s surprise was unwarranted.
Atsushi was well aware that Dazai had trained Akutagawa when they were in the Port Mafia together, but he was rather surprised to find that Dazai had taken him in off the street, the same way that Dazai had done with him just recently. “Dazai... He’s the one who took you off the streets? How old were you and your sister?”
“Don’t get the wrong idea about it. It wasn’t an act of kindness on his part. I was fourteen and she was twelve. We were taken into the Port Mafia to be trained and made into members, that’s all.”
Atsushi felt his stomach turn. Twelve and fourteen were so young. He thought of himself at that age, completely at the headmaster’s mercy. He felt so fragile at that age. He wasn’t totally oblivious to the way the Port Mafia would train young children, but like before, he hadn’t considered it happening to Akutagawa. “You... were only fourteen and twelve… How old was Dazai at the time? He trained you both?” Atsushi’s mind was twisting as he fired off questions now.
“Dazai himself was sixteen, and no, he only trained me, because of my ability.” Akutagawa’s hand twitched, as if in an instinctive reach for the power currently being suppressed. He was met with only clinking metal.
Atsushi’s face held his surprise. He tried to summon up the image of a sixteen-year-old Dazai in his mind, but he found it rather difficult. His vision of Dazai was completely different. The same man, who’d made him feel welcome and given him a home, telling a fourteen-year-old to kill. “So, he, just a teenager, trained you to be... a killer? Dazai did that?”
“The Dazai you know today in your agency is not at all like the man I know.” Akutagawa paused, letting their footsteps in the dirt be the only sound for a brief beat. “Well, I suppose not entirely different.”
That much he had definitely gathered. The Dazai he knew was… Well, maybe there was a lot he didn’t know about Dazai yet. “You’re still so attached to him, even today.”
Akutagawa scoffed, but didn’t reply. He seemed to be thinking, fidgeting with his jacket. “Never mind that.”
Atsushi let out a sigh of disappointment. Akutagawa had gone quiet again. Even so, he decided to push his luck. “Just one more question, okay?” Akutagawa looked back at him expectantly, assuming he was going to ask regardless. “This one might be touchy, but I want to ask it anyway.”
“That doesn’t raise my enthusiasm, but go on.”
Atsushi took a deep breath. This question was going to be pushing it, he knew. There was probably a chance that Akutagawa was going to get very angry at him for even asking. But he couldn’t shake the question from his head. “Do you... love Dazai?” He was going to regret asking, but he spit it out anyway.
Akutagawa seemed to be taken aback by the question. His steps faltered. He didn’t respond immediately, just giving another suppressed cough as he corrected his pace. The silence hung heavier than ever. He remained silent for a while before speaking. “Your perception of people’s feelings towards each other needs work.”
Atsushi felt a jolt of anxiety at Akutagawa’s initial silence, but when he spoke, it was disappointing. That was a pretty vague response. Atsushi let out a sigh. “Humor me, alright? You’re not answering my question.”
“No, I don’t have romantic or sexual feelings towards Dazai.”
“That’s not what I meant by ‘love’. You do feel something for him, don’t you? You care about him, don’t you? I mean, I wouldn’t have taken you for someone who would have this kind of loyalty to a person like Dazai, if that wasn’t the case.”
He was quiet again. “There are a lot of things that are complicated about it.”
Atsushi let out a deep breath. That was another vague response, but it at least told him that there was something more there. A lot of things ‘complicated’ about it. What did that mean? He knew he was pushing at something deep, but he couldn’t help but be curious. “Right, that makes sense. I’m not surprised that it’s complicated. I mean, it’s Dazai we’re talking about here. But can you try to explain it to me?”
“What does it really matter to you? You know where he and I stand currently, what more do you need to know?”
Atsushi sighed. There had to be more to it than just a “need for approval”. “That’s not all there is to it, right?”
“It isn’t just for him – it’s also for me. It might not sound like much of a reason to you, but it runs deep in my blood. That’s all there is to it.”
Atsushi let out a breath. Deep in his blood, huh? Akutagawa’s reasoning made a bit of sense, he supposed. A desire that was built into his core. “Alright, alright. That’s all there is to it, then.” He suddenly stopped walking. The cuffs on their wrists connected the two of them still. “Hey, actually, speaking of Dazai.”
Akutagawa fidgeted a bit more until Atsushi stopped walking, then paused beside him. “What about Dazai?” He didn’t sound happy to hear the name leave Atsushi’s lips again tonight.
Atsushi was silent for a moment, thinking of how to word the question he was about to ask. Though Akutagawa had been unexpectedly tolerant of his questions up until now, he might eventually get fed up. “Promise me you won’t get mad, okay? I’m being serious.”
“I can’t promise anything with the nature of these questions you’ve been asking, but go on.”
Atsushi tensed up slightly at that. “I know you’re loyal to Dazai, that’s pretty clear already. But can I ask you… Do you trust him?”
Akutagawa seemed to actually become less tense at the question. “Of course I do.”
That was not what Atsushi had been expecting. He had definitely expected Akutagawa to get angry. Or at least say something like ‘it’s complicated’, or ‘most of the time’. But just a confirmation with no other strings attached?
“I don’t always like his plans or his actions, but his methods have my faith. So yes. I trust him.” Akutagawa continued, seeing the look Atsushi was giving him.
Atsushi blinked, the words taking a moment to register. He couldn’t believe he was hearing this right. “You trust him with your life?”
“Don’t you?”
Atsushi paused. The question was a trap, and they both knew it. He wanted to protest, to say his trust was different, cleaner, but the words couldn’t even make it out of his mouth. Did he trust Dazai? He thought of the times he’d jumped into danger simply because Dazai had told him to. He trusted Dazai wholeheartedly. “I do.” he admitted, the words feeling heavy and honest in the quiet woods. “I know that most of Dazai’s methods are a little odd, but I still trust him. I know he means well when it comes down to it. But you trust him completely?”
“You’re quick to other yourself from me, but, despite our different experiences, the conclusion remains the same. We both place our lives in his hands without hesitation.”
Atsushi silently agreed with that statement. Akutagawa was right, in a sense. Even with their different experiences with Dazai, they both managed to come to the same conclusion about him. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. We both trust Dazai completely. That’s the same, no matter how different our experiences with him really are.”
Akutagawa nodded, uncharacteristically agreeable. “Good, then you understand.” He went back to squirming a bit.
Atsushi let out the breath he didn’t notice he’d been holding until now, when the tension had somewhat dissipated. Akutagawa agreed with him? That was still unexpected, to say the least. Usually, they were at each other’s throats. Now, apparently, Akutagawa was willing to agree with him. In fact, he hadn’t snapped at him or tried to argue for a pretty good amount of time now. “Yeah, I think I do.”
Atsushi glanced at Akutagawa’s hands as he clasped and unclasped his fingers. He seemed unsettled about something. “Hey. What’s with the fidgeting?”
Akutagawa stilled his hands and looked at Atsushi with a tinge of annoyance on his face. “Nothing.”
Atsushi was not convinced that the fidgeting meant “nothing”. There was definitely something bothering Akutagawa. His posture had tightened, and he was wringing his hands. “You’re fidgety all of a sudden. You think I’d believe you when you say it’s ‘nothing’?”
Akutagawa continued walking. “You read too much into things. Am I not allowed to move my hands?”
Atsushi rolled his eyes and continued walking beside him, keeping pace. Akutagawa didn’t want to admit that there was something bothering him. No surprise. “No, it’s not that you’re not allowed. But you look like you’re bothered about something. It’s not ‘nothing’.”
“You don’t need to be concerned about things that are bothering me.” He shook his head.
Atsushi couldn’t just not ask about it. “Look, don’t say ‘don’t worry about it’. I can’t just ignore it completely. Not when you clearly look bothered.”
“If I look bothered, it’s probably because I’m stuck in the woods with no way to uncuff myself from you.” He stuffed his free hand back into his pocket. “I need to sit down.”
Atsushi noticed the way the patchy moonlight caught the cuff. Akutagawa was trying to brush off his irritation again, but at the end of the day, they were still stuck, no matter how much he tried to pretend he was fine. But at least he was finally admitting that he was irritated about something. “Right. C’mon, I’ll help you sit down or something.”
“Help me?” Akutagawa sat down on a nearby log with a stiff practiced grace, flipping his jacket out of the dirt. He crossed one leg over the other, looking more like he was in a formal briefing than lost in the woods. “Do you think I’m a child?”
Atsushi scoffed as he sat down beside Akutagawa. “I don’t think you’re a child, I just think you’re whiny like one. You just need someone to help you with those mood swings of yours.”
“Whiny like a child? You do know I’m older than you, don’t you? I’m twenty years old.”
Atsushi was definitely not in the mood to have a childish debate with Akutagawa about age. But the “twenty-year-old” was the one having mood swings like a teenager, so he couldn’t keep the annoyance out of his voice. “Yeah, I know you’re older. And yet here you are, sitting and twitching like a teenager who didn’t get their morning coffee.”
“If only I hadn’t had any coffee, I might be able to sit still.” He muttered under his breath, leaning his elbow on his slender leg and resting his chin on his hand. He couldn’t do much with the other hand, trapped in a handcuff, so he let it hang down next to him.
Atsushi heard that muttered comment that Akutagawa had made. Now that definitely seemed suspicious. “How much coffee did you drink today?”
He gave Atsushi a look. “Enough.”
Another vague response. “Exactly how many cups of coffee did you drink?”
“I had one large cup of coffee, if you must know. That was hours ago.” He looked up at the sky through the treetops, now dark but filled with stars.
Atsushi looked at Akutagawa skeptically. One large cup of coffee definitely wasn’t enough to have him so irritable – unless he was seriously caffeine intolerant. But something told him that wasn’t the case. No there had to be something else to it. “And that’s it? Just one large cup of coffee?”
Akutagawa grunted, annoyed that the line of questioning wasn’t dropping. “And a pastry.”
Atsushi nodded. “Right. One large cup of coffee and a pastry. But those don’t make someone so, well, irritable.”
“Why don’t you save your detective work for the office?” He uncrossed his legs and crossed the opposite leg back over.
Atsushi decided to back off for now, since Akutagawa was clearly growing irritated with his questioning. He wouldn’t get any more answers if Akutagawa shut down. “Right, right, I’ll hold off the ‘detective work’. But I still know something’s bothering you.”
“Right now, ‘something’ is a weretiger who seems to want to know every detail about my life.”
Atsushi was annoyed at Akutagawa’s sarcastic comments. He wasn’t wrong, Atsushi was being rather invasive, but he was just trying to make sure he was okay. Even though he and Akutagawa were almost always at odds, he was still worried about him at the moment. He couldn’t help himself. “I’m not trying to ‘know every detail’. I’m just trying to figure out what’s bothering you so much right now.”
“Many things are bothering me.”
Atsushi pressed his palm to his face. How did he guess that would be the response? “Well, what is one of those things? Preferably the specific thing that’s got you fidgeting like this.”
“That’s nothing you need to worry about, I told you.” Akutagawa glanced away, turning his face away from Atsushi.
This was getting nowhere, wasn’t it? Every time he asked something about his irritable mood, Akutagawa would get dismissive. It was somehow easier talking to him about Dazai. “Come on, why do you keep saying that? I’m trying to help here.”
“Alright, instead of ‘you don’t need to worry’, how about ‘it’s none of your business’?”
Atsushi groaned. That was just as annoying as the previous response, maybe even more so. He was being unnecessarily stubborn. “Look, I get that it’s none of my business, you’ve made it clear. But as long as we’re stuck together, you aren’t getting rid of me.”
Akutagawa shook his head, swinging his crossed leg a little bit in irritation. “I’m just a bit uncomfortable. We’ve been out in the woods for a long time.”
Atsushi paused as Akutagawa finally conceded a bit. Akutagawa didn’t say anything more, glancing off into the trees instead. Atsushi watched him for a moment, thinking hard about his movement and body language, before another thought entered his mind. “Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, okay?” Atsushi took a deep breath in, silently hoping that Akutagawa wouldn’t get mad – at least not madder than he already was. “Have you – um – have you got to pee? At all?”
Akutagawa took a sharp breath through his nose, his jaw so tight it looked like it hurt. “Your questions just become more and more invasive, don’t they?”
Atsushi couldn’t help but let out a small, nervous chuckle. “I’m sorry, I guess they are kinda invasive. But I need to know if all this is because you need to go or something.”
“And why is that something that you need to know about?”
Atsushi raised his handcuffed wrist into Akutagawa’s view, the jingling a loud reminder. “C’mon, just answer me. It’s not like I can go anywhere, so I’m gonna know anyway when it gets worse for you.”
Akutagawa turned to Atsushi sharply. “Fine, I do. Are you satisfied now?” He scowled before returning to his somewhat tight position resting his chin on his hand.
Atsushi nodded, a small, amused smirk forming on his face. So that was it, then. He was fidgeting because he had to pee. That made sense. It explained what he’d said about the large cup of coffee as well. Atsushi bit back a laugh. He’d seen Akutagawa take down powerful enemies without breaking a sweat, but one caffeinated beverage was apparently his undoing. “There. That wasn’t so bad, was it? You finally answered my question.”
“You ask too many questions.”
Atsushi was still a little frustrated with Akutagawa’s stubbornness, but some amusement was wiggling its way into his head. “I don’t ask too many questions, you just don’t give enough answers.”
“I don’t need to answer questions about my private business.”
“If you’d just be honest with me, I could help you.”
“I don’t need help. I just need to hold it.”
Atsushi frowned. Did Akutagawa seriously think that he could “hold it” until they got out of the woods? No, that wasn’t an option. “Hey, don’t be stubborn. It’ll be a while until we get out of the woods. You can’t just ‘hold it’ until then.”
“Of course I can.”
Atsushi just looked at him for a moment. Akutagawa wasn’t just being stubborn – he was being somewhat stupid. He really thought that he could hold it the entire time they were in the woods? There was no way. “That’s gonna be too uncomfortable. You sure you think you can do that?”
“I don’t have any other option than to do so.”
So, he was just going to sit there and be strain himself? “Don’t pretend you don’t know there’s another option.” Atsushi took a deep breath. “Just find a decent spot in the woods, and do it there. It’s dark, you aren’t gonna be seen. You’ll be more comfortable if you do it then if you hold it ‘til we get out of here.”
Akutagawa lifted his cuffed wrist this time. “Did you forget that we’re stuck together? You would have to come along with me, and I would rather die.”
Atsushi sighed for about the hundredth time that night. He couldn’t believe the dramatics. “It’s not like I want to follow you! I just don’t want you to wet yourself.”
Akutagawa sat quietly for a moment, almost pouting. Wetting himself was a worse option, that much was true. Atsushi gave Akutagawa a few moments to think about the options. He definitely seemed to be starting to think about something.
Akutagawa tightened his legs a bit, finally speaking up. “That would only become necessary if I were to not be able to hold on for the night.”
Atsushi gave Akutagawa a skeptical look. “You really think you can hold it the entire night? Until daylight – or longer? You sure about that?”
A slight flash of nerves came across Akutagawa’s face, but only for a moment.” I’m not weak-willed like you are.”
“Hey, it’s got nothing to do with will! No one’s gonna be able to hold it in for the entire night, that’s just stupid!”
“If it’s so stupid, then we should hurry and find an exit from these woods then, to shorten the waiting time –” He stood up from the log, getting to his feet, but immediately cringed as a wave of desperation washed over him. He doubled over, instinctively shoving his hands between his thighs, and tugging Atsushi by the wrist off the log onto the ground.
Atsushi let out a startled yelp as he was suddenly tugged. He landed on his butt on the dirt with a thud. His eyes widened a bit as he took in Akutagawa’s position, undignified and desperate. “Hey, are you… are you alright?”
Akutagawa straightened his body with clenched fists, standing back up and looking rigid. “Don’t –” His voice was strained. “Don’t look at me.”
Atsushi studied him from the grass with look of concern, ignoring Akutagawa’s order altogether. He was clearly not doing well. “I’m not stupid. You’re obviously not good. You’re about to wet yourself, aren’t you?”
“No, I’m not.” Akutagawa growled, his expression looking slightly more nervous now, however.
Atsushi gave Akutagawa an unamused look. He really couldn’t believe Akutagawa’s stubbornness on this. “Bullshit. You’re not going to last much longer, and we both well know it.”
Akutagawa closed his eyes, trying to keep a hold of himself. He didn’t want to have to do it. It was humiliating. But he really was on the edge of losing control, and he didn’t know how much more he could take.
Atsushi could swear that he could see a small shiver go through Akutagawa’s body, and it was clear that he was fighting with himself to try to keep from having an accident. However hard he was trying though, it was clear that he was going to lose the battle at this rate. “I can tell you’re struggling.”
“You aren’t helping.”
“I’m not trying to help. I just want you to give in and do it. How long do you seriously think you can hold it? Two minutes?”
Two minutes seemed like an eternity. If Akutagawa could even manage to walk to a spot, he would be happy. “Then get up off the ground already. I can’t go anywhere if you’re anchoring me down.”
Atsushi understood Akutagawa’s frustration, but did he really have to be irritated at him just when he was trying to be reasonable? He hurriedly scrambled up from the ground, trying not to yank Akutagawa’s wrist. “I’m up. Let’s find somewhere for you to – you know – go.”
Akutagawa shook his head, not making eye contact with the weretiger. “Whatever. Lead the way.”
Atsushi was already a little irritated with Akutagawa’s attitude, but he tried to ignore it for now, turning and slowly making his way through the forest, looking for a place with some cover. His eyes scanned around for anywhere with heavy trees and bushes. It wasn’t like anyone else was around though. After a few minutes of walking without a word, a small clearing among the trees came into sight. “Uh, over here.” He said, looking over his shoulder to Akutagawa, who had been silent the whole way over, walking with a concentrated stiffness.
Akutagawa was right behind him – he had to be, with the cuffs on them. He looked past Atsushi. “If you say so.”
Atsushi led them over into the clearing, looking around. It wasn’t the greatest spot, but it was private and far enough away from where they had been walking that it was unlikely anyone would happen by and see them – if there was anyone else out here in the first place. “I mean, it’s a pretty private spot.”
Akutagawa gave a defeated sigh as he began to undo the front of his long black jacket and expose his pants and delicate shirt to view. “If you tell anyone about what I had to do here, I’ll dismember you.”
Atsushi shook his head. What did Akutagawa take him for? A complete fool? “Hey, what kinda person do you think I am? I’m not gonna go and tell anyone about something like this! I’m embarrassed too, you know.”
“Make sure you don’t.” Akutagawa held the frills of his shirt up with the hand that was cuffed to Atsushi. He didn’t want the weretiger’s hand to be any closer to any intimate spots than it needed to be.
Atsushi still hand to lean at an awkward angle to not brush right against Akutagawa’s back. “You’re being a bit ridiculous.”
Akutagawa scoffed as he unzipped his pants. “Just be glad I’m not using the hand that’s stuck to you to aim and look someplace else.” He grumbled.
“Don’t be so damn rude, I –” Atsushi stopped mid-sentence as what Akutagawa was saying to him set in, making his face flush at the idea of it. They had a bit of space between the cuffs, but that would still bring Atsushi’s hand pretty close to his – “Never mind, just do it so we can keep moving!”
Akutagawa looked back down as he finished undoing his pants, making sure to turn his back to Atsushi as much as possible as he faced the bushes. Atsushi tried his best to look away, not wanting to stare at Akutagawa right now either. He focused his attention into the trees behind them, watching the shadows move around. Even so, the sound of him actually peeing was a little more difficult to ignore, and he found his face turning a deeper red.
Atsushi tried to ignore the thoughts about the fact that Akutagawa was doing something so private right next to him, especially the part where he had to expose himself to do it. It was a little difficult, though, considering that they were stuck so close together, and the woods were quiet around them. He tried to find something else to distract himself from the situation. Looking around, he realized that the clearing was almost completely in shadow, with only a few rays of moonlight peering through the trees overhead. “Hey, at least it’s dark, right?”
“Don’t speak to me right now.” Akutagawa hissed more out of habit than true venom. Some of the tension had left his voice.
Atsushi winced. He didn’t blame him for snapping at him this time though. He supposed making conversation with someone relieving themself wasn’t the best time to do so, especially one who still definitely wanted to pull his limbs off. “Fine, fine, I won’t talk.”
After what seemed like a long, awkward time, the sound came to a stop and from slightly behind, Atsushi could see Akutagawa adjusting his clothing back to normal. Atsushi breathed his own sigh of relief. That had been more than a little awkward. He figured that he might as well look again now that he heard Akutagawa fixing his clothes. So, he turned around.
Akutagawa also turned around to face him, closing the front of his jacket over his white shirt. He didn’t say anything, though the noticeable color on his cheekbones made him look less like a phantom and more like a person. Seeing him like that made Atsushi’s heart do a weird, nervous skip. He’d never seen Akutagawa look so genuinely embarrassed. He decided not to risk it by commenting on it though.
“You feel better now?” He asked instead.
Akutagawa stuffed his free hand back into his pocket. “Enough to keep going, anyway.” He began walking out of the clearing, obviously not wanting to talk about what had just happened. “We have a lot of ground to cover.” He seemed to be a little less collected when he spoke, as if he couldn’t keep the genuine embarrassment out of his tone.
“Alright, fine. But I can’t promise that I won’t tease you about this later.”
“You had better not.” He picked up his pace, pulling on Atsushi’s wrist a bit. Atsushi caught the way his shoulders stiffened at the word “tease”. It was a small victory at least. “If you do that, you’d better hope we die out here, because the things I’ll do to you when I have my ability back won’t be as pleasant as starving to death.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m so scared.”
Akutagawa clenched his hands into fists but didn’t push it anymore. He just kept walking, trying to tell where they were. He didn’t recognize any landmarks, but it didn’t mean that they’d made progress.
Atsushi kept pace with Akutagawa while they continued walking, looking around for any sign of civilization. But, so far, he couldn’t see anything but trees and darkness. At this rate, they’d probably wind up walking the whole night, searching for an escape. “Ugh. It’s like walking in an endless maze.” Atsushi kicked at a stray branch. The trees seemed to be leaning in closer now that the moon had gotten high in the sky. Their limbs almost formed a cage over them, only making Atsushi feel more trapped. “I feel like all we’re doing is going in circles at this point.”
“The chance that we actually are going in circles is quite high.” Akutagawa said.
“We might be stuck in here all night at this rate if we can’t find our way out.”
“Just remember that you were the one who refused to return to that facility and kill the spatial ability user. If we never make it out of here, that’s on you.”
“You seriously have to keep bringing that up, don’t you?” Atsushi snapped. His eyes darted to a tree that looked suspiciously like one they’d passed already. The shadows were playing tricks on his senses, dulled by the tiger being suppressed. “Even if we did go back there and you did kill him, there’s still no guarantee that we’d get out of the forest any quicker, you know.”
“This forest seems impossibly large.” Akutagawa said, his voice dropping lower. “The likelihood of not coming across a road by how is very low. It must be a spatial loop – the effect of the ability. If the user were to die, then the forest would return to normal, and therefore, be navigable.”
Atsushi huffed, looking back up at the oppressive canopy. Akutagawa’s words weighed on him almost as much. “Yeah, I get that, but killing him, even if it would get us out of the forest. I can’t bring myself to do that.”
“I could.” Akutagawa said simply, glaring over at the weretiger. “But not like this, with you holding me back.”
That was the thing that Atsushi figured Akutagawa would say. Of course, he would be more than happy to kill the ability user without thinking of a different solution. “I know you could. Of course you would be willing to do it. You wouldn’t think twice about killing that guy, would you?”
“That ‘guy’ is my enemy. Why would I be bothered by the idea of killing him?”
“Not everyone shares your viewpoint on life. Some of us don’t want to kill our enemies if we can avoid it.”
“I suppose that’s the reason I’m alive now, isn’t it?” There was a hint of sarcasm in Akutagawa’s tone, but Atsushi thought he might have sensed some surrender behind it.
Atsushi nodded his head slowly. Akutagawa was alive because he didn’t kill him. “Yeah, I suppose it is. If I had your attitude, you’d be long dead by now.”
“Find us another way out of here. If you can manage to get us free from this trap and out of the woods, then good. If not, we go back and find the ability user. I’ll give you two days.
Atsushi looked around again. Two days, huh? “Alright, fine. I’ll try. I’d rather avoid going back and killing someone if possible.”
“I agree that I would rather not try to make the long trek to retrace our steps from today.”
Atsushi really didn’t want to try and attempt to find the way back to the facility where the spatial user was holed up. He let out a dry, tired laugh. “It’s a miracle. We actually see eye to eye on something – mostly because we’re too exhausted to walk back anyway.”
Akutagawa looked up at the sky. “I think we should continue at daybreak.”
Atsushi followed Akutagawa’s gaze to the sky. He wasn’t sure what time it was at this point, but it was dark enough outside that the only light was moonlight, and even then, it didn’t provide much light to find their way. “Yeah, I think we should, too. It’s a bit difficult to see what’s in front of us in the dark anyway.”
“Let’s find someplace out of the way to rest for the night then.” He glanced around.
Atsushi looked around as well, trying to see if he could spot a sheltered place nearby. He didn’t want to just spend the night in the open, with no cover. Hopefully they could find someplace that would protect them from the elements better. He spotted an open bit of trees with some bushes nearby and pointed to them. “How about over there?”
Akutagawa looked to where he was pointing. His face scrunched up a little at the spot that was no more than just a few thick bushes. “Alright.” He said, even though he definitely didn’t look like was it was alright with him.
Atsushi led the way over to the sheltered spot. It looked like a good enough place. If the two of them just leaned against each other, they’d probably stay warm and be out of the wind. “Yeah, this looks good. We can spend the night here.”
Akutagawa scooted under the cover, dragging Atsushi down too, unintentionally. Atsushi didn’t protest as he was dragged down to sit under the bushes. He wasn’t exactly thrilled at the thought of being crammed right next to Akutagawa, but at least it would keep them somewhat warm from the chill of the night air that he was already feeling penetrate his thin shirt.
Akutagawa leaned back against the tree, pulling his legs up to his chest beneath his coat. He could feel Atsushi shiver slightly where their shoulders touched.
Now that the sun had gone down, the warmth of it was replaced with freezing cold. Atsushi tried his best to ignore the chill in his body, but it did make him shiver a bit from time to time. “Ugh, it’s getting too cold. Wish we had a fire to warm up with.”
“There’s sticks around. Do you know how to make fire with two sticks?”
Atsushi gave Akutagawa a small look with his eyebrow raised. “Do you seriously not know how to start a fire? You need more than two sticks.”
“Why would I ever need to know how to make a fire in the woods? Do I look like I go camping?”
“I don’t know, maybe for survival? Have you never had to survive in the wild before?”
“No, of course not!”
“How coddled was your upbringing if you’ve never even been camping before?”
“I ‘camped’ out on the streets of Yokohama, where I lived for most of my youth.” He growled. “‘Coddled’. What a joke.”
Atsushi sighed. He supposed living on the streets could hardly be called ‘coddled’. “Well, I suppose that makes a little more sense. Still, not even a hint of an idea on how to start a fire?”
“A book of matches, or perhaps a lighter, stolen from a convenience store.” He said, sarcastically, though the familiarity of the method wasn’t lost on Atsushi.
“No wonder you don’t know what you’re doing in the wild, considering that’s how you would do it. Stealing things to survive won’t work out here.”
“You’re awfully judgmental. You’d be doing the same thing if you hadn’t been picked up by Dazai.”
Atsushi let out another small scoff. That was unfortunately true – if Dazai hadn’t found him, he’d probably be spending his entire life stealing things just to survive. Still, did he really have to bring Dazai up? “That’s not the point, though.”
“I’m growing weary of you and your false beliefs about my life. Acting shocked when I tell you that I have hobbies. Making assumptions about my sister. Mocking me for needing to relieve myself. Complaining about my plan to kill the spatial ability user. Judging me for not knowing how to go camping.” He heaved a sigh, looking exhausted, and shook his head, not saying anything else.
Atsushi listened to Akutagawa go off at him. He supposed that he had been a bit of a jerk today, but some of those complaints were justified. And it wasn’t like Akutagawa had been kind or pleasant either. Even so, he couldn’t help the guilt that seeped in along with the nighttime cold.
Akutagawa leaned his head against the tree behind them, seeming to be pouting. He didn’t look so scary when he had no special ability. He just looked kind of sad now. Like a porcelain doll a child had forgotten to bring inside. For some reason, it almost felt a bit pitiful. “Ugh, seriously, quit pouting.”
“I’m tired now.”
“Yeah, well, then go to sleep. It’s not like there’s much else for us to do tonight.”
Akutagawa slid his arms inside his jacket as much as he could with a handcuff on one wrist and huddled up for warmth. He closed his eyes, trying to get at least a little sleep. Atsushi watched these motions. Akutagawa looked even more pitiful and small the more he curled up. It was kind of making Atsushi feel a bit bad for him. Atsushi let out a small sigh, before gently leaning back, his shoulder and arm making contact with Akutagawa’s as he tried to get some sleep as well. Akutagawa tensed slightly as he was touched, but settled surprisingly quickly, letting his side lean into Atsushi a bit as well. The metal of the cuff still on their wrists was a cold reminder of their predicament.
Atsushi felt a jolt of genuine shock when Akutagawa leaned into his touch so quickly, considering the fact that he was still convinced that Akutagawa didn’t necessarily like him all that much. Still, he was actually letting him touch him. In fact, he almost seemed to melt into the contact in search of warmth. Atsushi shuffled a little closer to Akutagawa, both of them now pressed closely together as they leaned back against the tree trunk, trying to stay as warm as possible. Akutagawa drifted off after a while, finally falling into an uneasy sleep. He coughed quietly, less suppressed now than when he’d been coughing earlier that night. Atsushi was also starting to feel himself drift off, finding himself oddly comfortable next to Akutagawa. It did help that their combined body heat was also helping them stay a bit warm. Perhaps it might actually turn out to be a restful night after all.