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Zanka was 15 when he realized.
The academy hallways were always cold, the AC on full blast no matter the season. The air smelled of freshly cut wood, a refreshing scent. Everything about the school was altered for excellence, nothing distracting could throw the next Hell Guards off track. Other than the other students.
Zanka heard two boys muttering behind him, whispering so loudly the new blood could probably hear them, "He's got that Nijiku blood, so he's kind of born into hell guard.. And hes basically immune to pressure, It's probably why he's always at the top of the class."
They were right. Every comment he heard while strolling through the hallway was right. He was better than these lowlifes. He trained more than all of them combined, he studied like his life depended on it, he was born with advantage. No one could surpass him, not even whatever new girl they had been talking about before Zanka interrupted those two with his mere presence.
"And you know he's beating chicks off with a stick."
That made Zanka pause, his feet faltering for just a second before he remembered he had eyes on him. Chicks? First of all, he would never beat a woman. Second of all, no girl had ever come up to him to confess their love or whatever they were supposed to do. Maybe it was his angry demeanor, but no one had ever approached him, like, ever. He didn't want them to, if he was being honest, it didn't sound like fun having anyone around, especially if he were dating them.
Zanka kept his eyes forward, not letting his face reveal his thoughts. How could he fall in love with someone? Not a single person was up to his standards, nor were they strong enough to even be close to them. Love was weird. He understood that people could fall in love, but the process just seemed lengthy. Was he weird for thinking that? He cleared his mind, he was normal. Advanced, but still normal.
A knife stabbed into the side of Zankas neck, tearing a small hole into his collar. Damn it. God fucking damn it.
It was the newbie, the girl who hadn't even had any training prior to this. She was from the Slums, for gods sake, she shouldn't be that good. She shouldn't be better than Zanka.
"But, I mean, she took out Zanka."
Of course, the other students were still there, talking about how they were "thrown off their game", or "wasn't prepared for her fighting style". She could fight, Zanka admitted, but these people wouldn't compare her to him. He was better, he could always get better. The two boys noticed him, again, their shocked faces showing that they had realized Zanka heard it all.
Be humble, Zanka told himself, "I know, she whooped me real good! So annoying. Going up against a style I've never seen was pretty cool, though. I guess I should start training for next time, huh?"
"Hey, you and Hyo are pretty powerful, you would make a crazy duo! Could you imagine if they dated or something, no one would ever surpass them."
Zanka flinched at the word. Why was everything about romance today? It really wasn't that big of a deal, was it?
"Heh, yeah. That would be crazy."
He turned, walking away deliberately, trying not to let his shaking show. They were the crazy ones, talking about him like that. Bringing him down to such a level that they assumed he would date someone, especially Hyo. He didn't want her, he didn't even want to see her. How could people think of such things? It was awful, and sickening to hear. His hands clenched, his short nails digging into his palm, leaving slight indents when he pulled away. Was love really so normal? And if it was, why did he never feel it?
"Kyouka, I have a question," Zanka stood beside his sister, staring up at her. She had always been the taller one, not that Zanka cared much.
"What do you want, Zanka? I have work to get done," She groaned, rolling her eyes at his words. It stung, being treated like someone lesser-than. He was always less, when it came to his sister, and he had gotten used to being less.
He leaned against her desk, making sure not to disturb the piles of paperwork strewn across the surface, "Does father ever expect us to… marry someone? I just don't think marriage sounds.. fun."
Kyouka sighed, sitting back in her chair, "He does, and it doesn't matter whether you think it will be 'fun' or not. Its an important part of life, and its how we will continue the Nijiku blood line, got it?"
"I understand that, but I just don't think I could ever.. love someone like that."
She glared at him, a large frown making him flinch, "You just haven't found the right person, no one just.. doesn't fall in love. These things take time, and no matter who you marry, just make sure she's strong."
Zanka nodded, thanking her before running out of her room. Damn it, did he really have to spend the rest of his life trying to find someone to settle down with? He would fall in love, he had to. Being in love was just another step in being human, and he was weird for thinking otherwise. Of course, he would change, he would find someone and understand what it meant to feel love. It was what it took to be a Nijiku.
"ENJIN! Come downstairs we are trying to play a card game!" Rudo shouted up the stairwell, getting an exasperated response from the man himself.
"Yeah, yeah, I was just on my way down," Enjin shouted back, taking the stairs two at a time.
Zanka leaned back against the foot of the plush couch he was in front of, running his hands along the rugged carpet underneath him. Enjin took his seat, and started scanning the people situated around the table. Rudo was right across from Zanka, Zanka was looking way too comfortable on the floor, and Riyo was… reading a letter for some reason?
"What-cha readin' there?" Enjin questioned, a grin on his face. Riyo folded the paper, sticking it into her pocket with a big smile on her face. She looked happier than usual, which made Zanka squint his eyes as he was hard in thought.
"Just something from a friend!"
"Or a girlfriend, am I right, Zanka?" Enjin elbowed him in the side, wiggling his eyebrows. Zanka got pushed out of his thoughts, his face contorting into a grimace, and Enjin assumed it was from the corny attempt at a joke.
"Ew."
Or not.
Everyone turned to look at Zanka, all of their faces showing different stages of horror, Enjin being the worst.
Riyo decided to speak first, looking just slightly anxious, "Ehm… what do you mean, Zanka?"
Enjin cut him off before he could answer, "Are you, like, homophobic or something!?"
Zanka yelped and started waving his hands around, "What?? No! Of course not! I have gay friends!" What the hell were they thinking? Homophobic? Zanka? They really thought he was like those people, scum on the bottom of peoples shoes! He would NEVER dip down to their level, not even as a joke.
Enjin rolled his eyes, jutting his chin out towards Zanka, "Uh, you can still be homophobic with gay friends, right?" He glanced over to Riyo for conformation, glaring back at Zanka once she nodded. Zanka just sat there, mouth agape, shocked at how they could even think he would hate someone for their sexuality. He didn't really understand it, but he didn't understand straight people either, so it all worked out, right?
"I would never hate someone for that! I just said ew because I don't wanna hear about girlfriends!" He covered his face with his hands, wanting to hide his embarrassment.
Riyo slammed her hands on the table, leaning over it towards him, eyes wide, "Wait, are you gay??"
"Ew, no!"
"THAT'S homophobic!!"
"WAIT! I didn't mean-"
A yelling match started as Zanka desperately tried to explain himself, not being able to get any words out over everyone ganging up on him, even Rudo had joined in. The argument was drawing attention, a few people had wandered into the room, watching as all of them yelled at Zanka.
Zanka was horrified. He thought maybe the cleaners would've understood his perspective, but apparently they now all saw him as a piece of garbage. Would he be treated the same as he was by his family when he mentioned not wanting to get married? No, these people were different. He just needed to explain himself, which wasn't going to happen in front of so many people. Not with so many questions.
Zanka stood up, bracing his hands on the coffee table, "It's not like that!" The room went silent as he stormed up the stairs, his door slamming causing the building to shake
"Well, that could've gone better," Riyo muttered, stretching her arms out.
Rudo looked puzzled, a slight quirk in his eyebrow, "Wait, is he actually homo.. whatever it was?"
"Nah, he just sucks at choosing words under pressure, and we like to mess with him. Usually he catches on, but… seemed like a heavy topic I guess." Riyo leaned back, grabbing the box of cards and opening it, dumping the package onto the table.
"So, who wants to play?"
The worn metal headboard creaked as Zanka launched himself into his bed. He groaned against his pillows, tugging on his hair anxiously. Were they all going to think of him differently? He would explain to Riyo first, she would understand what she meant, but he wasn't ready to talk to Enjin.
The room was quiet, save for Zankas heavy breaths. He stared into his eyelids for what felt like hours, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to regulate his emotions. He hated when people didn't understand him, it made him feel stupid. He curled his legs onto the bed, pulling his blanket over his head. No one would find him in here.
His door thudded, two knocks vibrating through the room and ending up straight in his head. He didn't answer, clutching the blanket tighter.
Riyos voice rang out from the other side, "Hey, Zanka, you good in there?"
The door creaked open after a few seconds, throwing away any sense of comfort Zanka might've had. He felt the bed shift as Riyo sat down next to him, staying silent for a few seconds. Zanka decided he needed to speak.
"I'm not-"
"I know," She cut him off, "we were all kinda joking around, we know you sometimes suck at speaking. But it worried me how you responded to that.."
Zanka froze, pressing his nails into his palms, he didn't want to be here. He kept holding onto the blanket, like he was scared it was going to get ripped off. He felt Riyo's eyes staring into his soul, waiting for him to say anything before she continued.
"Every time we have done that in the past, you brush it off. But this time you got, like.. really mad. I just want to know if something happened that you want one of us to know about?" Her voice was soft, comforting, even. She always knew how to keep her cool, and she was amazing at talking to people about their problems, even if she didnt have the right solution.
"Its just.. I didn't really think about what I was saying. I didn't mean it like I was disgusted by anyone being like that, I just hate hearing about love and romance and all that gushy stuff," He sighed, turning his head to the side to hear better.
Riyo thought for a second, then let out a long, "Ohhhhh…" She rubbed her chin, finally getting the whole picture, "I understand what you're saying now. You're uh… whats it called.. Ah! Aromantic!"
Zanka tugged the blanket off of himself, his hair standing up when he poked his head out, "What does that mean..?"
"It means you're like… you don't feel romantic towards anyone. Or you're all disgusted by it, like you are!" She smiled warmly, looking like this was a completely normal thing to say.
Zanka just stared, thinking about every single uncomfortable reminder that he had to find a strong, loving wife before he grew old, or that he wouldn't be truly accepted into the family, "So.. I'm not a weirdo?"
She laughed, flicking his forehead, "Of course not! It just means you don't wanna get married or date or anything. Or hear about anyone else dating in your case."
He sat up, looking at his hands, memories of all the times he was shunned for scowling whenever distant family members asked about if he had a girlfriend flooding back, "My sister told me that I had to get married one day, that it was just apart of life. I thought I had to have a relationship to be happy…"
Riyo eyes softened, a frown pulling at her lips. Zanka didnt like when people felt pity for him, but for some reason this was okay. Suddenly, he felt Riyo's arms wrap around him, pulling him into an embrace. It was awkward for just a second, until Zanka returned the hug, making the interaction feel complete.
"You don't need to do anything to make others happy, Zanka. You're happy with us, I hope, and thats all we can really ask for!"
Zanka chuckled, hugging her tighter. He heard the door creak open, but was too slow to react, seeing Enjin with a camera when he glanced over, Rudo standing right next to him, the same look on his face as always. He pulled away from the hug, rolling his eyes at Enjin with a smile.
This was his family, and he didn't need to have anyone else to make him worthy.