Chapter Text
Day 1
The Hellfire Club
Max’s Title: Hell Is In Your Head.
Friday, April 21, 1986:
Dear Max, Today is day 185. Feels more like ten years. Joyce says time is funny like that. Emotions can make it speed up or slow down. We are all time travelers if you think about it. For example, this week is going very fast. I think because I am so busy. I have to make something called a visual aid. I hope Mrs. Gracey will give me an A. 
Some exciting news. Joyce got an amazing new job. She gets to work at home. She says she loves the “freedom.”
Will is painting a lot, but he… he won’t show me what he’s working on. Maybe it is for a girl. I think there is someone he likes, because he has been acting weird.
Jonathan is acting weird also. I think he is just nervous about college. He is still waiting for his big letter. But I don’t know how he’ll get to college because his car is still broken. His funny friend Argyle has been taking us to school. His hair is longer than mine. And he and Jonathan like to smoke smelly plants together. Jonathan says the plants are super safe because they come from the earth, but to not tell Joyce.
Me? I am twice as happy now. You were right. It just takes time. I think I have finally adapted.
At first, I missed all the spring flowers, but now I find it pretty here too. I even like school now. I am still best at math, but my grammar is getting good now also.
It helps that everyone is so nice here. I have made lots of friends.
Even so, I am ready for spring break, mostly because I get to see Mike . I wish you were coming too, Max.
I hope my spelling was better this time.
Miss you so much.
Love, El.
Max folded the letter back up and placed it into her jacket pocket, stepping outside to head to school. She dropped her skateboard and kicked off, headphones already on, wind in her face. She liked the cold on her face, it was the same adrenaline rush as a cup of coffee.
She sped toward school, more for the sake of being speedy than for caring about being on time. It wasn't long before she intersected with Dustin on his bike. It was common that they met partway, but they didn't say anything as they moved toward the school together. Dustin had tried to greet Max the last few mornings, but with her headphones on it was a waste of time. Now, he knew to just ride alongside her and usually he'd pat her on the back once they got to school before they separated to their lockers.
But today, when she stopped her board and picked it up, Dustin stopped in front of her, waving a hand to get her attention. Max took off one side of her headphones.
“Yeah?”
“Just wanted to remind you about the pep rally, you'll come sit with me and Mike ?” Dustin asked, smiling, hopeful.
“Oh. Uh, yeah,” Max agreed. Who cares about a pep rally?
Dustin grinned nonetheless.
“Great! See you there,” Dustin patted her shoulder before moving ahead, probably to find Mike .
Max replaced the headphone, continuing her walk toward the school.
The loud music from the pep rally was jarring, so she turned up her walkman. The sounds of Kate Bush flooded her ears, the only song keeping her sane.
She heard her name and spun around, Ms. Kelley was talking to her just outside. Max removed her headphones.
“Where were you yesterday?” Ms. Kelley asked, her smile genuine, as usual.
“Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot it was Thursday,” Max answered. It was already Friday? Wow. Her memory did not serve her well this week… or last... year, really.
“Oh, well, I’d like to see you today,” the counselor said, her voice was gentle, trying to be comforting. “Come straight after lunch, okay?”
Max nodded, replacing her headphones and moving into the auditorium.
She spotted Mike and Dustin and moved through the crowd to stand next to Mike. The boys were mid conversation about Dustin and Suzie. She ignored them.
Something about Suzie and Dustin breaking up.
Max looked up to see Lucas with the other basketball players as they jogged into the room. Her mind drifted back to making fun of Dustin with her now ex-boyfriend, singing Neverending Story while packing up the Byer's house over a year ago.
She wished that memory could make her smile right now.
It didn't.
She looked away from Lucas.
Then the pep rally started, and Max turned the music back down a little on her headphones only so that no one else could hear them. Blaring. Unfortunately, that meant she could hear what Jason was saying.
“You know… I think I can speak for all of us when I say it’s been a tough year for Hawkins.”
Yeah, no shit.
“So much loss.”
This guy is an idiot.
“And sometimes I wonder, “How much loss can one community take?”’
He has no idea.
“In dark days like this, we need something to believe in.”
I swear to God if he says basketball.
“So, last night, when we were down by ten points at half to Christian Academy, I looked at my team, and I said, ‘Think of Jack.’”
Is he kidding me?
“Think of Melissa.”
This asshole.
“Think of Heather.”
Heather.
The thought of Heather sent Max into another memory. Heather, another person she didn't save. Heather, who was already in the control of the mind flayer when Eleven and Max tried to save her at her house but didn't try hard enough. Another person who died because of Max's mistake. Because of Max acting too slowly. Because of Max not noticing a change in Billy.
“Think of Billy.”
Max looked down, her fists clenching at her sides. Mike glanced at her, then reached a hand over to gently hold her wrist. She didn't pull away. She just stayed frozen.
“Think about our heroic police chief, Jim Hopper.”
Mike squeezed her wrist and she nodded once, showing that she acknowledged it.
“Think about every one of our friends who perished in that fire.”
She pulled her wrist from Mike's hand.
“What did they die for?”
Nothing. They died for a monster.
“For us to lose to some… some crap school?”
Back to basketball. This fucking dick.
“No.”
“No!” The crowd agreed. Max rolled her eyes, Mike and Dustin looked at each other, disgusted.
Max looked down, not noticing that Lucas was trying to make eye contact with her - some kind of apology in his eyes at the way Jason was performing right now. Max stopped listening as Jason went on, turning her music back up as the crowd got rowdy again and the band came back. She didn't notice Lucas still trying to catch her eye.
But when the crowd starting to cheer at the end of Jason’s speech, he said they were playing a championship tonight, Max heard Mike and Dustin’s concern.
“Tonight!?” Mike exclaimed.
“How is that possible?” Dustin asked, clearly frustrated.
“They call it a tournament,” Max explained. “You win one game, you go on until there’s only one team left.” She wanted to feel bad for her… friends. That their D&D game would be interrupted. But Lucas was happy, wasn’t he? Couldn’t they see the way he was smiling, jumping up and down with his friends? She wanted him to be happy and there he was. Happy.
She dodged the crowds when they left, moving fast to go to her next class. She saw Lucas catch up to Mike and Dustin, then looked away before Lucas looked back to try and make eye contact with her one more time.
Classes went by slowly, she barely listened. She couldn't keep her headphones on, so she would imagine music in her head - or occasionally try to focus, but it was a lost cause.
She didn't even remember eating lunch, not really. There was food, a table, a tray… she ate something. She was sure she did, but she was so exhausted and disassociated that she didn't remember what she ate.
Right. Lunch. After lunch she was supposed to go to the counselor.
She made her way there now, headphones back in place. She tried to not notice happy people in the hallway, tried to not compare. Some girl kissing a basketball player. Lucas played basketball now.
And he was happy.
Without her.
And there he was at his locker. She couldn’t stop the eye contact this time. She looked down as soon as she could. It wasn’t soon enough. She’d already seen him and he’d already made eye contact.
Just ahead of her the door opened and Chrissy, that cheerleader, came out looking… honestly, mortified. Max slowed for a moment, turning to watch her walk away. She looked so sad. Just like Max felt. Broken.
Max stayed zoned out as she sat down, then vaguely heard Ms. Kelley speaking. Max couldn’t stop tapping her foot. She couldn’t wait to get out of there. She couldn’t tell this woman any of the true story. Anything. It was a waste of time.
“Can you remove your headphones, please?” Miss Kelly’s voice cuts through the music. Oh, right, she still had the headphones on.
Max removed her headphones, remembering that she had to use her hand to do that. Her hands felt detached from her body. Heavy. Full of sand.
“Sorry,” Max mumbled. Mouth numb. Didn't feel like her own.
“A C in English and a C-minus in Spanish,” Ms. Kelley said.
“Yeah,” Max agreed, no reason to argue. She knew what questions were coming. Mom. Headaches. Nightmares. Billy.
“Well, that’s not normal for you,” Miss Kelley was really trying to reach out, huh?
“If you say so,” this felt normal now. The bad grades. The lost focus. Living out of touch, disconnecting. That felt normal.
“How’s your mom holding up?” There it was. A classic question.
“She’s fine. I mean, she hates our new place, which is, like… Yeah, it’s terrible, but… She’s fine,” not much more to say about that shit.
Max played with the cord of her headphones between her fingers. She didn’t want to look up. Making eye contact with people made it harder to detach. To stay in the dark.
“Is she still drinking?”
“Like, yeah, a little, but… Well, she’s working two jobs. So, it’s not easy,” Max wanted to be easy on her mom. Her mom was doing the best she could. Right? She had to stand up for her. That was something. That was a good emotion to have, wasn’t it? Protective?
“It must not be easy for you either with your stepdad gone.”
That was where the woman was wrong. Max was much happier without that man.
And without…
“It’s kind of better, honestly,” Max answered, and instantly felt guilty. She was happier without douchebag men around. Her mom was working two jobs, exhausted, drinking… Max shouldn’t say things are better.
“Better how?”
“He was an asshole. So, there’s less assholery,” honesty.
“Are you sleeping better?” Miss Kelley asked.
“Yeah, fine.” Lie.
“No more headaches?”
Max shook her head, another lie.
“Nightmares?”
That word - the vision of everything she was trying to shut out blasted into her mind. Billy, dying in Starcourt, saving El, his blood staining his shirt and the floor. His one good deed.
What a shitty thing to think.
“Nope,” Max answered.
Max tapped her foot even more, trying to use it as an anchor to pull away from any trace of emotion. Get me out of here.
“Max? What you’ve been through, what you’re still going through, it’s a lot for anyone. And it’s okay to not be okay. But I can only help you if you’re truthful, if you open up to me,” Miss Kelley tried, but what was the use?
“Yeah, I… I know. I’m… I’m being open,” Max looked back at Miss Kelly, her jaw stubborn. She couldn't be honest about the real reason Billy died. Or why she blamed herself for his and Heather's death. For all of those people. What was she supposed to say? There are monsters here, Ms. Kelly. Horrible monsters.
“I’m being open,” the best I can.
Max left the office quickly when she was dismissed, only to find Lucas waiting right outside. How long had he known she was seeing the counselor? He paid attention. He always had. She had loved that about him once. Back when she recalled what love felt like in her body.
“Max, hey,” Lucas greeted, stepping up to walk with her.
“Are you stalking me or something?” Max asked, trying to walk quickly, her voice void of emotion. Showing emotion around Lucas was dangerous. The gates would open.
Gates. Like the gates to the Upsidedown Hell that killed all those people. The people she could have saved if she noticed Billy was different sooner.
“Oh, no, I… I just wanted to give you this,” Lucas held out a small paper.
“What is this?” Max asked, irritation in her tone, taking the paper.
“A ticket to the game,” he explained. Max spun around to look at him and he instantly started to defend his action- “I know you never want to go to my games, but this one is kind of a big deal.”
They turned the corner, and suddenly every word he said sounded ridiculous. A game, a big deal, after everything?
“A big deal?” Max scoffed, “Lucas, you really care about this?” She kept walking.
“Yeah, I… I do. Maybe you should find something you care about too.”
She stopped, whipping around to face him.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she snapped.
“Uh…You’re just…” Lucas exhaled, frustrated with trying to find the right words. Max shook her head at him, annoyed. “It’s… It’s like you’re not even here anymore. It’s… It’s like you’re a ghost or something.”
Max shifted on her feet. A ghost… She felt like a ghost. That was pretty spot on but… she couldn’t stop the frustration in her voice.
“A ghost? Really?” she asked, her voice sounding harsh but also… scared.
“Max,” Lucas took a step toward her, his arms in front of him to talk, as if he wanted to reach for her. “ I know something’s wrong.”
She hesitated - like she always did whenever Lucas tried to reach out. She had shut him down so many times before, and he just kept trying. Because he was good. Lucas Sinclair was good, he paid attention, he noticed things.
And she had been careless and noticed nothing.
“Yeah, right. Something must be wrong with me because I broke up with you,” the defense tactic was her go-to, and he was ever patient. Miraculously. Sometimes she wished he would just get mad.
“No. No, that… that’s not what I meant,” she could tell he was being genuine but…
“Lucas, look, people just change, okay?” she snapped. God, she wanted to open up to him. She wanted to tell him about the nightmares, the trouble sleeping. She wanted to tell him everything.
But he'd just try to fix it. And he couldn't. And he'd go insane trying. Another thing that would be her fault.
“That’s it,” Max breathed. “I’ve changed. It’s that simple,” she turned toward the bathroom door, before turning around to hand him the basketball ticket, giving it back.
“Good luck,” she said, trying to mean it. Trying to mean anything.
She quickly moved into the bathroom, leaving Lucas standing in the hall, staring after her. She knew she was breaking his heart, breaking him, but she also knew that pulling away was the best thing for him. She wasn't emotionally capable - no, she wasn't emotionally anything. Nothing.
She breathed shakily, gripping the sink and looking in the mirror before hastily pulling pills out of her bag. These headaches, migraines, were making it even harder to feel anything. She could only think about how much her head hurt.
And how much she hated that person in the mirror. What a disappointment she was. A failure -
Suddenly, she heard coughing in the stall behind her and spun around. Someone was… throwing up?
“Hey, are you all right?” Max asked cautiously. Throwing up was bad enough, school bathrooms probably didn't help.
“Yeah… Yes, I’m…I’m fine,” a strained voice said.
“Okay, um… You’re sure?” Max took a step closer to the stall.
“Please, just go away,” the girl said, her voice sounding so sad… but Max stepped out the door as the toilet flushed behind her.
The rest of the school day was pretty basic, classes and spacing out to music whenever she could. Anything to try and avoid these headaches. The classroom lights were too bright, burning.
The only thing of note was Dustin approaching her. If there was one thing that was still sort of fun, it was messing with Dustin. He approached her, asking about joining their D&D Campaign that night.
She had always made fun of the boys for their game, but really she knew that it was important to them. Even when she and Lucas were dating, she never played, but she knew how much it meant to him. Still, when Dustin asked she couldn’t help but rib him a little. It felt really good, honestly, to mess with a friend.
Were they still friends? Dustin clearly thought so. He wanted them to be. She wanted that too, even if it was hard.
“If I play, do I get one of those cool T-shirts?” Max asked, a fake smile on her face. Dustin laughed, a deep throaty laugh.
“Yes!” he exclaimed.
“Really?” Max feigned excitement.
“Everyone gets a T-shirt. We make ’em ourselves, and if you” Max kept her giant, fake smile while Dustin went on. Eventually he caught up - “You’re being sarcastic.”
Max shrugged, dropping her board to ride away, still smiling as she sped away.
That was nice. And short lived. Her aching in her chest was still there, the heavy hands like sandbags.
Max boarded home, her music blasting again. She walked in the door. Her mother wouldn't be home for a while, so that was nice. Alone time was nice… wasn’t it? Maybe not.
She dropped her backpack by her bed and pulled out a notebook.
El, hi!
I hope your project went well. It feels like you've been gone for fucking ever. Sorry for the language. Well, not that sorry. Just being me, you know.
Joyce has a good point about time moving differently.. Very interesting. I think I would hate being a real time traveler. It sounds… exhausting.
Tell me about your project though?
I'm so glad Joyce likes her job. My mom loves the new place, so do I! My room is a little smaller than my last room, but it's nice.
Max looked up, pausing her writing for a moment. She felt a slight pang of guilt lying to El, but it vanished quickly like all of her emotions did. There was no reason to drag El down with her.
Will likes a girl? Do you have any idea who it is? Will always acts weird. I mean, I love the guy but… I don't know. I doubt he has a crush. I can't picture that for him. I'm curious what the weird behavior is all about. Maybe Mike will figure it out when he gets there?
Jonathan is a stoner, El, that's what it's called. But that's his business. I don't think Nancy would have been down with that so I guess it's a good thing they broke up.
Speaking of, Lucas and I are still broken up. I know you want to ask, so I'm just telling you. It's just not the right fit anymore. Don't worry about me, we're fine. It's fine.
Sure. That read as believable.
I am so, so glad you're happy, El. Adapting is shit, but I think I'm adapting too. Things are pretty good. School is going well, the boys tried to get me to play D&D tonight. Yeah, right. Oh - Lucas made the championship game with the basketball team. He's really excited.
Maybe you should tutor me in math over the phone, haha. Your grammar and spelling in this letter looks amazing! I'm so proud of you.
Max read the words again. The exclamation points. She imagined how Elle might see her, bright smile, laughing, happy. She hoped that's how her best friend saw her.
I miss you too. I am so glad you have made friends. You deserve it. Maybe on the next break I can buy a flight, I'm sorry I couldn't make it out with Mike .
Max paused again, then turned to a separate page in the notebook. She sighed, frowned, and started writing.
I have never been more miserable, El. I miss you so much - I wish you didn't have to go. I wish that things here were different and that you could have stayed. I wish it was safe here for you and Will. The last year has been hell. I hate myself. I hate that we couldn't save everyone. I hate-
She paused, sniffling and crunching up the paper, tossing it onto the floor beside her. She went back to the original letter
I love you. I'll call soon.
Max.
Max hadn't called in almost a month, and hasn't answered the phone either. She had made excuses for being busy, tired, having fun hanging out with friends, and boarding. El wasn't stupid though. She would start to get suspicious soon. Max knew that.
Max sat on her bed, tapping her foot, trying to decide what to do to drown out her emotions until her mother came home…
She looked up at the time.
The basketball game had started.
She stared at the radio on her nightstand, trying to resist the call, but couldn’t help it. She turned the dial.
She became a statue then, sitting in that one spot on her bed for the entirety of the game, listening to the play by play. She waited for Lucas to be mentioned, and he wasn’t at first - but then - Lucas saved the day, winning the game.
“After a tragic year for our town, the Tigers have brought home the conference title for the first time in 22 years-” the radio announcers - “And what a great game it was, Allen, ending with a dramatic buzzer-beater from benchwarmer Lucas Sinclair. He must be feeling on top of the world right…”
She turned the radio off.
The heaviness in her chest deepened at the sound of his name. Lucas. Her Lucas.
Was, her Lucas.
The neighbors dog started to bark, a common occurrence around this time of night if Max hadn’t visited it yet. The dog was… a comfort, in a way. Something to do. A task. A happy face.
She sighed, “All right, all right, I hear you,” she mumbled, standing to fetch something from the fridge. She saw her mom asleep on the couch… the TV left on, drinking bottles nearby. She hadn’t even noticed her mom getting home. It must have been during the game.
As was becoming routine, Max put out her mom’s cigarette on the ash tray and threw two beer cans in the trash. The routine continued into taking some meat from the fridge and crossing the grass to feed the dog through the fence.
She heard a van pulling up - Eddie, driving like that as usual.
She turned to look, curiosity, but it grew even more when…Chrissy Cunningham herself got out of the van. What was the head cheerleader doing with -
The dog barked, startling her and she turned back to look at him, feeding him another piece of meat.
“Okay, alright. Here you go,” she fed the dog the meat, “good boy.” She smiled at the dog one last time before going back inside her trailer.
Her mom hadn’t stirred, and Max sighed, moving to place a blanket over her, sitting down to pretend to watch whatever boring program her mother had left on the TV. The TV started to flicker, as usual.
“What the hell…” Max muttered, annoyed as she stood to mess with the antenna. She smacked the TV and then-
Max spun around quickly, all the lights in her home started flickering.
No. There's no way.
She heard a scream in the distance and quickly moved to the window, opening the curtain to see - Eddie, alone, getting in his van and driving away at full speed. He looked horrified. Like he’d seen…
Like he’d seen a monster.
She made her way back to her room and slowly, very slowly started getting ready for bed. But she couldn’t shake the feeling of those lights flickering, the look on Eddie’s face…
Sleep was the worst part of every day. That was when the nightmares came.
Sometimes they were realistic memories of past events. Billy dying, the mindflayer stabbing him over and over again, her screaming his name, his face as he stood there to protect them. She also remembered other things too. Billy beating up Steve - sweet Steve, who was just trying to protect her even though he didn’t know her at all. Billy, calling her names and threatening her. Billy, saying racist things about Lucas.
Sometimes the dreams weren’t realistic or memories. Sometimes they were warped. Sometimes she would turn into a monster herself, dragging Heather into an ice bath and laughing. Sometimes she would have powers, like El, but then they became useless at the last second, just like El’s powers had left her.
Tonight's nightmare was a hybrid. She was in Starcourt mall, screaming Billy’s name. She ran forward to try and save him, grabbing one of the Mindflayer tentacles to try and rip it off. A different tentacle wrapped around her throat and she started to choke. Max blinked, and suddenly the tentacle wasn’t choking her - Billy was, with both hands. He snarled at her, pulling her closer to talk close to her face.
“And I’m coming for that boy next,” Billy spat.
In her nightmare, she screamed.