Chapter Text
"Hey, so… have you heard about the rumors? The ones about Masa-masa, I mean."
In a way, that shouldn't be news anymore.
"Yeah, but surely those are fake! He literally finished a mission in Hollow Zero yesterday, and… Oh! I heard he's going in tonight, too!"
If they know about this, that means Miyabi did a good job on spreading misinformation.
"Well, yeah… But don't you think it's weird that he disappeared for an entire week? Nothing from the other members, too."
Working in sync, as usual.
"Ah, it's just some secret Hollow mission, I'm sure. Anyways, my love for Masa-masa is eternal! Just like—"
With a hard cough, the energetic girl suddenly curled her body into a ball and clutched tightly to her phone—a shining, smiling trinket of him dangling on it.
She must be a real fan.
"Okay, okay. If you keep avoiding your appointments, you might not live to see the day when that love come into fruition. Speaking of which…"
The girl's friend then nodded to a nurse waving toward them. Lifting her friend up from the bench and supporting her body with an arm, she patted her shoulder, frowned at the latter holding onto her phone protectively and said, "Your number just got called. Let's go in, yeah?"
With another nod as the coughing girl smiled brightly at her friend, the two walked into the doctor's office, cute cat plushies of his friends brushing against one another on their bags as the door got closed.
Harumasa then let a out light laugh in amusement. Perhaps he should have sneaked an autograph into her bag when they weren't looking.
However, with a shake of his head, he quickly disregarded that idea and stared at the door before him. Just like what the big shots at H.A.N.D always told them in those useless meetings—fans will be fans, so don't let them get too close, don't let them get too attached to you, and most importantly—
"Number nineteen, please come in."
don't forget that you are nothing without your name.
Standing up while clearing his throat instinctively, Harumasa opened the door before him and walked into the doctor's office. Taking a seat upon a nod from the doctor, Harumasa let out a small sigh, set his arms on the desk between them and beamed at her.
"Good afternoon, doc! It's been a while, huh?"
Harumasa smiled at the doctor and pulled down his face mask, tried to make sure that she would regard him as the usual bright and silly Asaba Harumasa. However, without the doctor even taking a glance at him, he pouted lightly and pulled his face mask back on upon the doctor's gesture.
"Mister Asaba, I think it is a good thing that we haven't met in a while," the doctor said in her usual flat, almost cold tone while typing on a keyboard. "How are you feeling today? Anything unusual or odd?"
"Well, I, for one think I am in tip-top shape today!" Trying to emphasize his point, Harumasa then stretched his arms over his head, let out a contented sigh and tried to meet the doctor's eyes. "Also, nothing unusual, too! The normal amount of coughs and the normal level of chest pain."
And as Harumasa's arms dropped on the desk again, he quickly held onto them tight to hide his light trembling. It always felt harder to lie right after an entire night of check-ups.
"Unfortunately, I think the numbers I'm seeing here contradict your words, Mister Asaba." Breathing out a sigh in defeat while the doctor ignored his cheerful tone, Harumasa rested his chin on a hand, watched the doctor print out some papers and placed them on the desk. "Wrong amount of heartbeats means more palpitations; too quick of a respiratory rate means you're struggling with breathing even more, and most importantly—"
The doctor then rested her hand on the papers, lifted her head and finally met Harumasa's eyes.
"I would argue that being found collapsed in the middle of your room to be quite alarming, Mister Asaba."
Harumasa then blinked once, twice.
It was oddly comforting to know that she would never lie to him.
"I- I guess so, huh?" Feeling his body deflating as his gaze still wavered in the end, Harumasa pressed his hands together, blinked too hard and said, "I mean, it's not unusual for my condition to do that to me, right?"
"Indeed. However," As calm as usual, the doctor allowed Harumasa to stare at the wall and tapped her finger on the papers. "with the frequency and duration of it growing, it is no longer a matter of prescribing more medicine to you, but more about your personal safety."
"So, what can I do about it?" Harumasa asked mindlessly, pressed his hands deep into his arms and said, "I've been living alone for ages now. You aren't suggesting me to live in a dorm or something, right?"
"Not quite, but if you'd like that, that would also be ideal." Ignoring Harumasa's joking tone as usual, Harumasa wondered whether he actually sounded too serious there as the doctor continued, "What I'm trying to say is, do you know anyone close that can live with you? Someone that can call for help when you can't?"
"Well…" Harumasa sighed, felt his mask barely hiding his dimmed expression anymore as he tried to count the amount of apples on a poster. "I don't have anyone that close to me. My colleagues all have their own lives, too. So—"
"Don't you have a family member, Mister Asaba?"
Widening his eyes immediately the moment the doctor spoke, Harumasa slowly turned back to face her, tried to immediately deflect her words as she continued, "The man who accepted the call for you last time, I think his name is—"
"It's— He's not—" Harumasa felt words flew out of his mouth, but as the doctor waited for his answer patiently, Harumasa let out a sigh and said, "… He's busy these days."
The moment that his words were realized, floated into the air and hung awkwardly above them, Harumasa wondered why he didn't seize this opportunity to clarify the small misunderstanding that stemmed from his own avoidance for doctor appointments. However, he then found his mind drifting back to when he was acting perfectly normal in front of him, and just when he thought he would regard his request as another silly joke, the way he just picked up the call for him casually, called him family without question and smiled while silver hair shined brightly under the sun, Harumasa found his eyes widening, breathing quickening for some reason as he wondered—
"Well, please try to contact him then. Or do you want me to call him for you?" Snapped out of his thoughts by the doctor's clear voice, Harumasa quickly shook his head, assured the doctor that he would totally (try to) contact his fake family member and gave her some light laughs. And with a nod in contentment, she piled the papers together, stapled them and said, "Good. I hope to hear progress on that part the next time we meet."
Well, the misunderstanding only deepens. Harumasa sighed and thought to himself, dodged the doctor's gaze again as he watched papers piled neatly in front of him.
Seeing Harumasa hang his head low, hands clenching into fists, the doctor added, "Mister Asaba, I know this can be hard, however, this is for the sake of—"
"My health." Harumasa finished her sentence for her. With a deep breath to push his head up, Harumasa ignored how his voice felt oddly dry and said, "I know."
Nodding as she brushed her hand on the papers, the doctor said, "Good."
A pause. She then tapped her fingers on the red numbers quietly. One tap, two taps. Asking for his attention without voicing it.
Harumasa closed his eyes, opened them and stared at the numbers again. As red as before.
They never seem to change.
"Doctor, there's something I've been working on," After a brief moment of hesitation, Harumasa pinched the paper in his pocket and said, "Do you want to take a look?"
With a nod from the doctor, Harumasa then took the paper out and laid it above red numbers. As he watched the doctor smoothed it out carefully, brushed fingers on his shaking writing and erased marks while reading them quietly, the doctor then gave him a nod, folded the paper back again and asked, "… Are you happy with them, Mister Asaba?"
If only I wouldn't even need them in the first place.
"Yeah." Harumasa nodded lightly, pocketed the paper and said, "I think I'll be okay with these."
With another nod as she pressed her hands together, the doctor then pushed the other papers toward Harumasa and said, "I wish you all the best in realizing them, and to add some more in the future."
Is that really something I can decide?
"I will." Harumasa nodded again, nods felt like the only response he can give now as he grabbed the papers and stood up. "Thanks, doctor."
And with another nod from her as Harumasa bowed lightly, he walked out of her office, closed the door quietly behind him and sighed. Coughing into his fist as his chest somehow felt tighter, he quickly walked toward the pharmacy, hoped to just grab his next round of meds and be done with the day and heard, "As long as I have Masa-masa with me, I can take meds as bitter as ten bitter melons!"
Harumasa then let out a small laugh. Well, wouldn't that be wonderful.
Wouldn't it?
Taking a picture of the packs of medicine in his hand to act as proof for leave, Harumasa stuffed them back into his bag, sent the picture to Tsukishiro and got an immediate response.
[approve my leaves!]
Received.
Take it easy, okay?
Harumasa instinctively frowned at her words. The words too gentle, not something that could signify Tsukishiro's wrath or Harumasa's usual tardiness. Feeling something missing, Harumasa then typed,
[not Masa-masa]
aww, what happened, deputy chief?
it almost terrifies me to not be scolded after another leave!
the third one this month too!
[approve my leaves!]
Asaba, please.
We both know this isn't your usual slacking-off.
So, actually use today to properly rest up, okay?
Harumasa stared at Tsukishiro's texts, pressed his thumb deep into her words but somehow unable to press out anything more from himself. Why do they all sound so sad? So worried and almost with a tinge of fear after another night of him being miserable in the hospital? This wasn't the first time he ended up on a hospital bed anyways, this wasn't the first time he coughed up blood, watched it drip onto the floor helplessly as he wondered whether this time would actually be it. Harumasa hated it, felt his chest tightening again as he replayed what happened that night, and as the image of Tsukishiro and the others rushed into his room, hands lifting him up while their voices blurred but still painfully, clearly echoed in his mind again, Harumasa tried to inhale another breath, tried to smile or type another Aww, you are so kind, deputy chief—
and saw another notification pop up on his screen.
[best proxy!]
Hello, Harumasa!
Sorry to bother you, but can you come to Random Play later?
Belle and I accidentally bought an extra bowl of noodles, so if you haven't had dinner yet, feel free to drop by!
Harumasa then smiled lightly at Wise's texts. Well, at least this is someone who isn't worried about him now.
With a quick, generic text to reply to Tsukishiro, Harumasa then clicked onto Wise's profile and typed,
[best agent!]
hey Wise! ofc I will be there soon!
so kind of you guys to thought of me, i am so touched <3
Finally feeling like his usual self again as he started walking toward the metro station, Harumasa trained his eyes on the screen, hoped for another text to echo his bright, cheerful messages and saw,
[best proxy!]
Of course! You helped us with so many commissions, after all
Having dinner with a friend is pretty nice too, right?
Replying to Wise's words as he typed the correct amount of brightness into his own, Harumasa nodded to himself, felt his smile growing wider underneath his face mask as the metro started moving. It was rather comforting to have someone who didn't know about the incident to save them those sorry words and awkward lines, it was rather nice to have someone like Wise—perfectly professional, perfectly neutral but just as kind—listen to him complain about overtimes and question nothing about his disappearance last week.
It was nice that Harumasa could just type with reflex, respond to Wise without worrying about troubling him and just act like a normal, completely okay frien—
[best proxy!]
Oh, and I hope you're feeling better now.
Yanagi told me what happened last week, and…
Please remember that you can rely on me anytime, okay?
Well, turns out that was not the case.
Trying to let out a sigh but felt it stuck in his throat, Harumasa stared at Wise's text, contemplated on what he should actually type now that this weird tightening feeling returned to his chest. For a moment, Harumasa thought of just running away, just tell Wise that something urgent came up and dodge another potential conversation full of I am so sorry for you or I hope you feel better soon. However, with the plastic packs of meds crinkling and brushing against each other—their sounds clear and cold—Harumasa somehow felt the craving for something other than this, something other than going back to a cold room and stuffing a handful of pills into his mouth.
Something warm, not bitter and could let him steal a couple more laughter from this gentle, kind manager.
Therefore, with another nod to himself as he bit into his lip, Harumasa typed something silly but not honest enough to reply to Wise and pocketed his phone. Glancing out as he watched buildings covered in moonlight dash past him, he hugged his arms close to his chest, tried to convince himself to stop trembling and waited for the metro to stop at Sixth Street.
Before Harumasa knew it, he was in front of Random Play, watching the tiny TVs inside the window blink and display movies.
He wondered why despite knowing the fact that Wise knew about what happened last week, his steps still carried him here. Despite the swelling anxiety and his shaking, no-longer-natural reflection staring right back at him, he still got off at Sixth Street's stop, walked passed people unaware of who he was behind thin mask and arrived here, again.
Harumasa then glanced at the front door, the sign already flipped to "Closed," but he knew he was still allowed inside.
He only hoped that Wise wouldn't mind him trying to steal some comfort from him.
Walking toward the door and trying the doorknob, Harumasa felt it locked and widened his eyes slightly, but upon hearing someone's hurried footsteps and faint voice, Harumasa took a step back, tried to make his eyes smile but only felt a breath of cold air stuck in his throat as the door swung open—
and there he is.
"Sorry, I forgot to unlock the door for you," Wise said, a gentle smile on his face as he met Harumasa's eyes. "You haven't had dinner yet, right?"
"Y- Yeah," Harumasa stuttered, and as his non-existent smile dropped, he watched Wise gesture for him to come inside and quietly walked in.
Inhaling a deep breath instinctively, Harumasa glanced around the store. A couple of videotapes placed on the counter, and on the couch lining up against the window were flyers that Belle and Wise personally designed. Harumasa still remembered Wise asking for his help with handing them out to passerby—not because he was famous, but because it was only fair for Harumasa to do so after Wise treated him to some fries at Port Elpis.
His crescent-shaped eyes that barely concealed the flicker of mischief still makes him smile every time.
"Okay, you can take your mask off now." Walking to Harumasa's side, Wise tilted his head, pointed at Harumasa's face mask and said, "No need to be hiding your face here, right?"
Harumasa then let out a small laugh. Taking off his face mask and pocketing it, he met Wise's eyes with a natural, tired smile and said, "Yeah. Thanks, Wise."
And as Wise nodded in contentment while gesturing for them to enter the staff room, Harumasa nodded to himself once again and thanked himself for coming here despite his instinct yelling otherwise.
Stepping into the staff room as Wise closed the door, Harumasa shrugged his jacket off, glanced at the two bowls of noodles placed on the table and widened his eyes. "You haven't eaten yet?"
"Yeah, I thought it would be weird if I let you eat while I just… stare at you," Wise laughed lightly, and as they both sat on the couch in front of the TV, he handed a pair of chopsticks to Harumasa.
"Well, but you're basically starving because of me!" Harumasa mirrored Wise's laugh while accepting the chopsticks. Grabbing a bowl of noodles and handing it to Wise, he set his hand under his chin, narrowed his eyes with familiar tease in them and met Wise's eyes. "Wise, please remember that I would never mind you staring at me while I eat, okay?"
Wise accepted the bowl with a laugh. And as he grabbed Harumasa's bowl, handed it to him naturally while smiling, he said, "Well, as your friend, I couldn't let you eat all alone. So, let's eat first, okay?"
Dodged it again, huh?
Even though the joke didn't quite land the way Harumasa wanted, didn't prolong the mischief in his own eyes to hide the deep, painful sorrow within, the fact that Wise could just ignore whatever laughing facade that was built into his system made Harumasa's smile drop in a comforting way.
As Harumasa accepted the bowl without a word, he then leaned his back to the couch, sank his body into it as Wise started eating his bowl of noodles. For a while, the room was almost completely quiet, only light sounds of chopsticks tapping the bowl or someone clearing their throats breaking the silence. If it not for them being at Random Play, not for the person beside Harumasa to be Wise, Harumasa would definitely try his best to get rid of this silence, to somehow initiate a conversation or make someone laugh so no one would pay attention to his shallow breathing, but as Harumasa watched Wise set his bowl aside, his mind automatically prompting him to say something silly to fill the silence in the air, Wise only wiped his own lips with a tissue, and with that tossed aside, he handed a glass of water to Harumasa and said,
"Water?" Wise asked, tilted his head and met Harumasa's eyes with a small smile.
Hiding nothing, not trying to impress him or make him feel something.
"Yeah," Harumasa smiled, set his bowl aside too and accepted the glass. "Thanks, Wise."
And as Harumasa felt cool water washing down his throat, he felt another wave of security wash over him and leaned his head back to the couch, breathing out a heavy sigh into the air.
"Tough day?" Wise asked and faced Harumasa, sank his body into the couch and gave him an empathetic frown.
Turning to face him and was met with a frown, Harumasa tried to immediately say something to eliminate the frown on Wise's face, but with his joking mood already gone, Harumasa could only give Wise a tired smile and said, "Kinda. Today was hospital day."
Sighing lightly while shifting closer to Harumasa, Wise sank his hands into the couch and said, "That must be rough. Was it just regular check-ups or about last—"
Oh.
Wise suddenly widened his eyes upon realizing himself mentioning sensitive topic. Sensing the calming atmosphere fractured slightly, Harumasa felt his chest hurting more upon Wise dodging his eyes, his own teeth biting into his lip as he wondered why has it all come to this again. But with a forced laugh to quickly fill the silence in the air, Harumasa tilted his head toward Wise and said, "Don't worry, I just went and grabbed some more meds. Nothing unusual."
Liar.
Feeling his chest tighten and arms slightly shaking again, Harumasa inhaled a deep breath, held onto his own arms instinctively while hoping that a smile is on his face now. But as he stared at Wise looking back at him, frown still present as his eyes blinked slowly, Harumasa hoped that Wise would somehow look away, to stop trying to use those gentle eyes to reach toward the vulnerable, useless part of him when he suddenly leaned close—
and pressed a hand onto Harumasa's shoulder.
"You're shaking," Wise said quietly, shifted himself closer as his frown deepened. "Harumasa, are you okay?"
No.
Harumasa wanted to say, but Wise's hand on his shoulder somehow only made him shook harder as he instinctively tried to sank his body deeper into the couch. Get away, don't let him get too close to this swirling, suffocating feeling in your chest and run away. He does not deserve this, he has no need to take your burden just because you somehow can never act "normal" in front of him. He is dangerous, makes you feel so safe but exposes the part of you that never escaped the cold, silver needles that pierced into your veins. So, inhale a deep breath, muster up a shaking but wide smile and say—
"I'm fine," Harumasa said, felt a shaking smile barely holding itself together as he repeated, "I- I'm fine, really, so—"
As Harumasa attempted to nod and shake a couple more laughs out of himself, he then helplessly watched Wise shift closer, and before he knew it, Wise's other hand was on his other arm, holding onto him tight and pressing another shaking gasp out of his body.
"Harumasa, take a deep breath," Wise said calmly, his voice still compared to Harumasa's shaking arms as he held his gaze. "It's okay, it's okay."
Is it?
Harumasa instinctively questioned, but as Wise started patting his arms, no longer speaking but still holding his gaze gently, Harumasa couldn't help but only stare at him, felt Wise's touches melting into his skin and making his breathing match his rhythm, and as his heart finally stopped palpitating, Harumasa inhaled another deep breath and met Wise's eyes carefully.
With his gestures paused upon Harumasa calming down, Wise set his hands aside and asked, "Feeling a bit better?"
Nodding lightly, Harumasa then let out a sigh, wondered how he managed to stop shaking this quickly and said, "Y- Yeah… sorry for letting you see that."
With an immediate shake of his head and another smile, Wise met Harumasa's gaze and said, "It's nothing, we're friends, right? Or…" Dragging his word, Wise curled his eyes into familiar crescent moons and laughed, "did you forget that I'm your 'family member,'?"
Family member, huh?
Harumasa felt his breathing halt for a second, turned the word over in his mind and glanced at Wise again.
He couldn't be, wouldn't be.
However, he still appreciated the tinge of joy he felt from Wise's words. Someone like Wise who doesn't think too hard and simply express what was on his mind—the simplicity of it all sometimes made Harumasa feel confused, felt perplexed at why something so simple could reach deep into his heart—and as he watched Wise laugh lightly while a small smile somehow surfaced on his own face, Harumasa let out a sigh and felt the weight on his chest disappear a little.
Maybe it would be fine to let him see him in a little pain.
With another sigh, Harumasa lowered his gaze and said, "Wise, I… I went to the doctor today, and…"
Too many red numbers, too many meds and—
too many things for him to handle alone but can only be handled alone.
Pinching hard into his palm, Harumasa still decided to dance around his words a little and said, "The doctor said that I need to take better care of myself, and if I don't… I'll be more miserable."
"Harumasa, of course you need to take better care of yourself," Wise sighed lightly, pressed a hand back to Harumasa's shoulder and patted him. "I'll stop assigning missions to you for a while, and if possible, I can help you ask for more leaves from Yanagi, too."
"Hey, Wise, it's okay!" Upon Wise's words, Harumasa widened his eyes and said, "I- I can still help with your commissions sometimes! I can help you, really—"
"No, you definitely need to rest more." With a shake of his head, Wise refuted Harumasa calmly and said, "I will not allow you to overwork yourself, and if you got hurt while helping me, Miyabi and the others will probably never forgive me, right?"
"R- Right…" Letting out a small sigh as he wondered how surprised Tsukishiro would feel if she saw him willingly offering to work, Harumasa nodded lightly at Wise and saw him return a satisfied nod.
"Great. Speaking of which, why don't you stay here for the night?" As Wise set his hand down from Harumasa's shoulder, he glanced at his phone and said, "It's already pretty late. You can sleep on my bed and I'll sleep on the couch. We can even watch a movie before we sleep, right?"
W- What..?
Harumasa felt words stuck in his throat, his breathing and thoughts all halting as he stared at Wise's smile. A movie before sleep, maybe chat about something more mundane and casual other than his doomed health and simply laugh, and when he feels tired, he can rest up comfortably in his bed, surrounded by his blankets and pillows while feeling, for the first time in his life, how loneliness wouldn't need to be a part of his dreams. However…
Harumasa then glanced at his bag, saw the plastic packs of meds peeking out from within and felt his chest tightening. If he is staying at Random Play tonight, that also means he needs to go through all of them here—right in front of Wise, too. And even if he takes the meds when Wise isn't looking, Wise would definitely still have to witness Harumasa suffering the side effects of them all, of him panting, coughing more and even tasting blood. And even after all that, Harumasa wouldn't look happy, wouldn't be able to smile brightly and say his name while laughing,
wouldn't be able to look like the cheerful, silly Asaba Harumasa that takes meds as though they are candies.
Therefore, with the tightening in his chest growing, Harumasa held tightly to his bag and quickly shook his head. "No, I- I really shouldn't stay, shouldn't trouble you more, so—"
"Harumasa, you're not troubling me." Wise lightly shook his head, and with a pat on the couch, his smile almost made Harumasa want to close his eyes just so he could not be convinced by it. "We haven't watched a movie together in ages; tomorrow is also Saturday, so stay here tonight, okay?"
You have no idea how much I want to say yes.
Feeling his chest tightening even more, almost hurting as Wise smiled at him again, Harumasa really wanted to just nod without hesitation so badly, just forget about meds or his illness or his life ending some random night and just laugh at fictional characters fight or love each other. Why can't his mind just settle for something straightforward? Just be stupid and deal with the aftermath when something bad actually happens? But Harumasa then felt another pain striking his chest, another cough that almost escaped his lips upon Wise patting his arm, and as Harumasa watched that hand then pinch his sleeve, that hand turned into Miyabi's or Tsukishiro's while they shook him in anxiety, a realization suddenly hit Harumasa:
I really don't want him to see me like that.
Therefore, with a hard bite into his lip as he forced the soft, clingy part of him away, Harumasa shook his head and said, "Sorry, Wise. I- I really couldn't stay tonight." I couldn't bear the thought of you finding me collapsed on the floor tonight.
"R- Really? Harumasa, but—"
"Yeah, I just remembered I have something I need to take care of." Harumasa hated how his own voice suddenly turned certain, hated how he automatically stood up despite Wise still pinching his sleeve. "I'll text you when I get home, so don't worry about me, okay?"
And as Harumasa looked to the side slightly, dodging Wise's barely hidden frown, he ignored his own mind stabbing him with more guilt as Wise nodded. "O- Okay then. Be safe out there, alright?"
"I will. And thanks for the food." Harumasa gestured to the bowls on the table. With his bag already on his shoulder, he dug his nails into his palm and said, "Have a good night, Wise. See you."
And before he could hear Wise wish him goodnight, Harumasa hurried out of the staff room, quickened his steps as he almost tripped on a box near the door, and when he opened the front door and threw himself into the cold air of the night, he finally coughed hard into his fist, his mind screaming threats at him tearing his own life apart as he pressed his back to a wall.
Good night, what a good night.
"I'm home."
Hearing his voice echo faintly in the air, Harumasa almost huffed out a laugh. He then stepped into his apartment and locked the door behind him.
Despite knowing that no one would be there to reply, he still instinctively announce his presence every time he makes it back home safely, or at least still in one piece.
He would like to think this stubbornness means he still has some fighting spirit within him.
But as Harumasa then heard a faint Meow and an Eh-na, he smiled genuinely to the voices and watched his two little roommates run or jump toward his way.
"Hey guys, I'm home." Hugging his Bangboo close to his chest while his cat jumped onto his lap, the sheer weight of the two almost made Harumasa fell to the floor, but with his Bangboo then pushing him, attempting to hold onto his shoulder, Harumasa then let out a gasp and actually fell to the floor.
"A- Ahaha— You guys, wait, stop—" And as Harumasa lay helplessly on the floor while his cat and Bangboo nudged their heads into the crook of his neck, Harumasa let out another series of dry laughs and held them both closer to himself.
"Eh-na! (Welcome home, Harumasa!)" "Meow—"
"Haha, yeah," Harumasa said quietly, rolled to lay on his side so he could hug them tighter and hid his face away from them. "I'm… I'm home."
He ignored how his eyes then started feeling sore; warm, tickling sensation tracing his cheeks as his Bangboo and cat only held tightly back to him, eh-naing or meowing their worries. With a shaking, deep breath, Harumasa pressed his face deep into their tiny hands or fluffy fur, trying to stop himself from imagining a pair of hands that would soothe his pain every night and hold him until his fingertips stop being cold.
Wise felt an odd weight on his chest.
The moment that Harumasa left in a hurry, the barely hidden frown on his face did make Wise wanted to invite him to stay again. However, Harumasa did look like he had a lot on his mind, and perhaps that really wasn't something a simple movie night could solve.
Therefore, as Wise heard the front door close itself, he waited for a couple more minutes and locked the front door. Walking back to the staff room, he then stretched his arms over his head, wondered how many cups of coffee he would need for tonight's work as he glanced at the couch,
and saw Harumasa's jacket on it.
Letting out a sigh as the odd weight pressed itself deeper into his chest, Wise walked toward the couch, held the jacket carefully in his hands and patted some dust off. The stitches on the edge of it looked slightly loosened, and upon being shaken lightly, Wise smelled a mix of chemical and herbal scent and let out another sigh.
Why didn't he tell me what actually happened?
Pinching the jacket, Wise tried to shake his head, tried to ignore his own mind replaying how Harumasa calmed down upon his gestures, and just when Wise thought he was making progress, his sudden invitation to stay for the night only… scared him away.
But a part of Wise just couldn't resist the thought. Harumasa had always been the silly, bright person on surface, but underneath those smiles, Wise often felt like there were something so much deeper, so much more painful than his usual banters or another 'Really, I'm fine!' Ever since knowing Harumasa's past, witnessing what he and his Master had been through, Wise had genuinely thought that he could be the person to shoulder that burden with him, but if even after everything, Harumasa still decided to maintain this strictly professional relationship, then perhaps Wise should respect that and hope that someone else can be there for him.
However… even knowing that, he still couldn't truly be at ease.
Smiles, laughs and another playful pat on his shoulder. Wise knew that Harumasa was someone who tends to hide things about himself and dodge questions, however, it would be dangerous if something like last week happened again. Also, why did seeing Harumasa's eyes suddenly widening, the familiar expression of dodging his gaze while forcing a smile made his chest hurt a little? Wise had thought they were pretty good friends, had been through many things together and thought that Harumasa would finally rely on him contently now, so why, why does something feel so—
Hmm?
Hearing something dropped out from the jacket, Wise shook the thought away and glanced at the floor. Seeing a folded paper near his foot, he picked it up, opened it instinctively before realizing he probably shouldn't intrude and saw,
-
properly say goodbye to Master
-
prepare presents for friends
-
… see a meteor shower?
-
a day without being sick
-
____ someone
Wise quickly folded the paper back, stuffed it back into the pocket and inhaled a deep breath. Something about how calm, precise yet shaking the words looked made his chest tighten in more concern. The odd blanks and lack of context that add no more clarifications only gave Wise more confusion—however, Wise was certain about one thing,
Harumasa is definitely hiding something, and he needs help.
And although Wise was just trying to convince himself that he would be fine without knowing Harumasa's secrets, after a glance at the paper, he felt that confusion grew alongside his worry. What if he passed out in his room again? What if no one would be there to find him next time and he would actually—
Wise quickly bit into his lip. Do not think about that now.
Therefore, if Harumasa wouldn't allow anyone to be near his struggles, then perhaps Wise should be the nosy one and try to pierce through that smiling facade somehow. After all, Harumasa is an important friend, a family member despite his eyes widening every time Wise calls him that, and if solving problems and figuring things out are instincts wired into Wise's brain, then perhaps he should—
Beep— Beep—
[Harumasa]
hi Wise!! i made it back home safely!
sorry to make you worry, but im fine now!
and thanks for the food again, i really enjoyed it!
and thanks for calming me down! and we can totally watch a movie next time!
i promise!!
Wise stared at Harumasa's wall of texts, his words still as bright as usual, but after tonight, Wise somehow felt them all sound a little bit off and failed to be truly delighted by them. Knowing Harumasa's nature at hiding his own pain, Wise knew that no matter what he typed now, Harumasa would surely dodge them all effortlessly and even hide his own struggles better. Therefore, with a sigh, Wise decided to play it safe, replied to Harumasa's messages in their usual, friendly tone and clicked out of it.
As he then clicked on another certain someone's profile, Wise sent a text to invite the actual expert in socializing for a coffee break tomorrow and went to bed.
He only hoped that taking Harumasa's jacket hostage would be enough of a bargaining chip to see him next time.
"Aww, manager! You have no idea how happy I was when I got your text last night!"
Watching Astra raise her voice while waving delightfully toward him, Wise hurried to their table, gestured for Astra to quickly put her sunglasses back on and sat across from her. "Sorry for bothering you this suddenly; are you sure you can be here right now?"
"Oh, but of course!" With a laugh, Astra pushed her sunglasses up the bridge of her nose and said, "I was just thinking of sneaking out after Eve assigned three rounds of practice to me. However, thanks to you, I now have a proper reason to do so!"
"I'm glad that I could help, but… Evelyn knows about this, right?" Letting out a small laugh as he pressed his hands together nervously, Wise instinctively glanced at a shadow dashing past the windows. He hoped it was only a cat.
"Nope! But I told her I'm at Lumina Square, so there's no way she'll find us!"
Well, let's hope I can leave this conversation alive.
As Wise laughed his nervousness away, Astra mirrored his laughter (but without the anxiety) and set her chin on her hands. "Anyways… so, what's up, manager? You mentioned something about… relationships, right?"
With Astra's smile growing wider, Wise suddenly felt an unknown sense of anxiety climbing from the back of his neck and pressed a hand to it. "Well, kinda. There's this friend that I've known for a while, they've been really nice to me and all that, but—"
"They're hiding something from you?"
"Yeah. Wait, how do you know that?" Wise widened his eyes at Astra's confident smile and inhaled a deep breath. She really is a professional at this, huh?
"Well, if it were anyone other than our kind and oblivious manager, I would assume you have a crush on the friend," Astra laughed lightly. As she waved off Wise's confused frown, she continued, "But since I am talking to you, I would assume it to be the second most common relationship problem—trust issues!"
"S- Sure..?" Frowning in more confusion as Astra laughed at his expression again, Wise shook his head, decided to ignore what Astra was talking about and said, "Anyways… yes, I think my friend is hiding something from me, and I don't really know how to ask them about it."
"Hmm…" Astra let out a curious hum. Pressing a finger to her cheek, she asked, "Do you think the thing they're hiding is important, manager? Like, something you absolutely need to know?"
"I mean… I respect their privacy, but…" As Wise's recalled how anxious Harumasa suddenly looked before leaving last night, he felt something in his mind telling him that this wasn't something that he could simply brush off. And despite the guilt of taking a peek at the note still bothering him, Wise only wanted Harumasa to be okay, and maybe to let him help him.
He only hoped that all of this wouldn't be his own selfish, wishful thinking.
"I think I need to know. I- I really want to help them with whatever they're dealing with right now," Wise said while stuttering a little, hands pressed firmly together as he tried to ignore the slight guilt stabbing his chest. He then carefully glanced at Astra, and as Astra let out a soft sigh while resting her arms on the table, she gave Wise a small smile.
"Aww, manager, you really are so kind," Astra said, tapped her fingers on the table lightly and smiled. "Your brows are all furrowed now."
And with Astra gesturing a finger at his frown, Wise widened his eyes, pressed a hand to it instinctively and said, "R- Really? Well… they are a really important friend to me, after all."
With a light laugh, Astra met Wise's gaze and said, "Y'know… normally, people only wanna figure out others' secrets because of curiosity or insecurity, but for your case, it's because you genuinely worry for them, right?"
And as Wise quickly nodded while pressing his lips together, he tried to not think about whether he was actually one of those driven by curiosity as Astra said, "So… why not just ask them? Tell them what you just told me and see if they wanna share?"
"Wait, really?" Widening his eyes at Astra's direct answer, Wise still felt his frown deepen despite Astra's nod. "But wouldn't that be kind of rude? I mean, I only started suspecting they're hiding something serious from me because I accidentally stumbled upon it, so—"
"So… tell them that, too!" Clapping her hands together, Astra met Wise's deepening frown with a bright smile. "Tell them that you accidentally found something about it and am really sorry about it. After all, it's not like you were purposefully stalking them or something, right?" Astra then pushed her sunglasses down slightly, dragged her word and smiled mischievously. "… Riiiight?"
"O- Of course! I found it by accident, really!" Wise then nervously said while gesturing for Astra to put her sunglasses back on. With a small sigh, he darted his gaze to the side and said, "I- Well, so the more honest I am about the whole thing, the better, I guess?"
"Yes!" With a nod, Astra laughed brightly and said, "Be honest, tell them how you feel without judging them, and show them you care! Or… that's how I handle most awkward conversations, at least."
"I- I see…" Letting out a light laugh too while breathing out a sigh in relief, Wise nodded to himself, held tightly to his own hands with new-found resolve and said, "Okay, I'll ask them to talk about it tonight. I should probably return their jacket to them, too."
And as Astra widened her eyes while teasing Wise on stalking his friend again, Wise quickly waved his hands in front of himself, assured her once again it was all an unfortunate series of accidents and urged her to lower her voice. "Okay, okay… Umm, thanks for everything again, Astra. I'll let you know if everything goes well."
"Oh, you must let me know! I'll be asking for updates!" With another clap of her hands, Astra nodded delightfully. Gesturing for Wise to stand up, she glanced at the nearby arcade and said, "By the way, manager, do you have a couple more hours to spare? I've been dying to—"
THUD—
Hearing a loud thud as the both of them widened their eyes, Wise watched Astra inhale a deep breath, tensed her shoulders and said, "O- Oh no."
"W- What was that? Did something break in the café or—" And as Wise glanced inside the café, trying to check if the window somehow exploded, with another thud as a shadow dashed behind Astra, Wise watched Astra inhale another shaking breath as a person stood behind her.
With her hands slowly clenching into fists, Astra met Wise's eyes tentatively, blinked too many times and asked, "She's… she's behind me, huh?"
And as Wise carefully glanced at the figure behind Astra while said figure grabbed Astra's shoulder firmly, he let out an awkward laugh and nodded. "I- I think so…" Giving the figure a small wave, Wise instinctively took a step back and said, "Hey, Evelyn. I- I hope everything's okay?"
"Well, manager… unfortunately, due to Miss Yao's unprofessional behavior, everything is not okay," Evelyn said coldly, and as she pressed her hand deeper into Astra's shoulder, she said to Astra, "Do you know the entire crew was looking for you, Miss Yao?"
"I- I— Well, Eve!" Holding tightly to her own hands to hide her panic, Astra pouted and said to Evelyn, "How do you guys expect me to complete three rounds of practice today?! In an hour, too— H- Hey!!"
And as Evelyn started dragging Astra by the arm while waving toward a van, she said, "I will listen to your explanation while we somehow try to catch up with everything." Sighing and nudging Astra into the van despite her protest, Evelyn turned and shot Wise a cold glance. "Manager, I will assume that Miss Yao tricked you into this, but please contact me whenever she appeared without me, understood?"
"Y- Yes, of course!" Wise quickly replied, instinctively straightened his back while giving Evelyn many nods. And as the van drove off with Astra's panicking laughter echoing in the air, Wise decided to properly thank and apologize to Astra later and took out his phone.
"Just… be honest, huh?" Wise muttered to himself, opened Knock-Knock and clicked on Harumasa's profile—their text paused on a cheerful note, something about a hypothetical movie night and nothing about Harumasa's actual condition.
No use worrying about something that you aren't even sure of, after all.
With a deep breath, Wise convinced himself that if even this try failed, he would actually stop worrying about whatever Harumasa was hiding and return to their usual, friendly chat. Quickly typing while hoping that his words were the right amount of honesty and the perfect amount of concern, Wise sent the text with his eyes half-closed.
"A- Achoo—"
Sneezing hard into his fist, Harumasa shivered slightly, pressed his hands into his arms and said, "Well, that's an odd amount of sneezes for a day… Hey, deputy chief!"
Raising his hand up high while standing up, Harumasa looked toward Tsukishiro, gave her a bright smile and said, "Executive Officer Asaba Harumasa is surely sick again! So, can he—"
"No." With a firm refute as she didn't even bother with glancing at Harumasa, Tsukishiro ignored Harumasa's pout and said, "Executive Officer Asaba has used up all of his leaves for the month. Discounting the special leaves last week, he still needs to…" She then flipped through some papers on her desk, and as she sighed heavily while glancing up, she stared at Harumasa and said, "work four more days of overtime to make up for it."
"Wait, what??" Hearing the terrifying news, Harumasa exclaimed loudly, walked toward Tsukishiro's desk and stood next to her. "I could have sworn that there weren't that many the last time I checked! Also— A- Achoo!"
"Harumasa, why do you keep sneezing today?" Hopping to Tsukishiro's side with a concerned frown, Soukaku tugged lightly at her sleeve and said, "Nagi, maybe Harumasa really is sick today! He doesn't sneeze that much normally."
"Soukaku, it is very kind of you to be so compassionate. However…" Patting Soukaku's head as Soukaku smiled in contentment, Tsukishiro then shot Harumasa a sharp stare, pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and said, "due to Asaba's bad record, I could not simply let him go this easily."
"Aww, deputy chief, you're so mean!!" Harumasa pouted, pressed a hand to his own chest dramatically and said, "How could you possibly be so cold-hearted to reject the sick leave of poor, little old me?! Did you forget that if this frail body doesn't get taken care of, it will—"
"Harumasa, you look off today."
Hearing a sudden voice as his emotional, moving speech got paused, Harumasa glanced to his side, watched a pair of fox ears appear in front of him as Miyabi pointed a finger at him. "Something is off about you today." She repeated, took a step closer while Harumasa shifted a step back.
"M- Me?" Suddenly feeling too many pairs of eyes staring at him, Harumasa darted his gaze between the three, wondered whether they could actually see his arms shaking lightly as he instinctively hugged his arms to his chest. "H- Hey guys, I guess I'll be fine without the leave, so please don't stare at me like that, okay—"
"Ohh!!"
Gasping into her hand with wide eyes, Soukaku rushed in front of Harumasa, looked back at Tsukishiro and Miyabi delightfully and said, "I know! I know what is wrong with Harumasa today!"
With Harumasa still staring at the three while holding onto his arms tighter, he watched Miyabi and Tsukishiro then looked even closer at him upon Soukaku's gestures, and with one more wave as Soukaku then grabbed onto Harumasa's waist, Harumasa jumped, the three all let out a collective gasp as Soukaku said,
"Your jacket is gone, Harumasa!"
"M- My jacket?" Harumasa then widened his eyes, and as he glanced down at Soukaku lightly tugging at his shirt, he focused his gaze at his waist and let out a gasp. "Oh, right! So that's why I keep sneezing today!"
"Hmm… No wonder when you walked into the office this morning, I kept feeling like something's off about you," Miyabi said while resting a finger under her chin. "For a moment, I thought it was because of you not being here last week. I need to brush up on my observation skill, it seems."
"Well, chief— I, for one think you are already plenty perceptive. I didn't even realize I left my place without a jacket today!" Laughing lightly while gently rejecting Soukaku offering her jacket, Harumasa pressed his hands into his arms, tried to somehow rub more warmth into his skin and said, "Now, where could I have dropped it? Or… perhaps I can register for a new one from HSO?"
"No." However, to his dismay, Tsukishiro only refuted him firmly and stared at him again. "Your bad record regarding leaves would make it a hassle to apply for new equipment, not to mention when said equipment was lost due to your own negligence, Asaba."
"Ah, you guys are all so mean! Why do I even work here in the first place…" Sighing dramatically while pressing a hand into his chest, Harumasa prepared to do another exaggerated gasp, only to felt a sudden tightening in his chest.
That jacket really is that important, huh?
With a spin then another sigh, he quickly walked back to his seat, sat down and slumped on the desk as usual. And with a peek at Tsukishiro sighing, Miyabi polishing her blade and Soukaku hopping back to her seat, Harumasa smiled to himself.
Dodged all of their eyes perfectly.
However, the question surfaced in Harumasa's mind again: Where did his jacket go? The teal jacket was basically his iconic piece of apparel now—something he ties on his waist to both look cool and perhaps to annoy Tsukishiro—yet, with it miraculously disappearing today, Harumasa felt his worry deepen.
Losing his jacket would not only be annoying for work reasons, but without the jacket, he somehow felt the coldness in the air emphasized, working into his body a lot more intrusive than before as his chest tightened again, and without it to hide or muffle his coughs when they do happen to escape, Harumasa felt pain swelling in his chest, his mind replaying their panicking faces and voices as he begged please, please don't happen again—
Beep— Beep—
Inhaling a deep breath upon his phone buzzing, Harumasa cleared his throat and glanced at the three—all doing their usual businesses. With a relieved, hidden smile as he then purposefully raised his phone over his head, Harumasa made sure that Tsukishiro frowned at his gesture again and clicked on Knock-Kncok in delight.
[best proxy!]
Hi Harumasa! Sorry to bother you while working.
Are you available tonight? I wanna talk to you about something.
[Image sent successfully]
Maybe this will ring a bell? :)
Letting out a gasp as he recognized the familiar teal fabric in the picture, Harumasa sighed with a smile and quickly typed:
[best agent!]
ohh so that's where my jacket is!!
thank you so much Wise! I'll go pick it up when my shift ends
or…
perhaps you wanna keep my jacket as a keepsake? ;)
[best proxy!]
It's fine, I think you should have it back.
So… would your shift end later?
[best agent!]
yeah! after a couple more hours
but you can just leave my jacket outside
you don't have to personally hand it to me! :D
Harumasa then stared at his own text, wondered whether they sounded too defensive there and slumped onto his desk again. Feeling light shakings from his arms, he sighed, held tightly to them and waited for Wise's response. Maybe that sounded too distant, with too much intention of keeping a safe distance while Wise had never done anything bad to him. Why did he even text him that, anyways? Couldn't you just be silly? Be friendly and ignore your own shaking, almost painful fear of letting him see—
Beep— Beep—
[best proxy!]
Harumasa, I won't just leave your jacket outside.
Can we meet somewhere other than my place tonight? Maybe Reverb Arena?
I…
And as Harumasa instinctively held his breath while waiting for Wise's response, he pressed his lips together, mind failing to prompt anymore silly texts. With a couple more seconds passed, Wise's message finally popped up.
[best proxy!]
We need to talk. About the thing in your pocket.
Welp.
The moment that Wise's text appeared on the screen, Harumasa somehow felt a part of his vision started blurring slightly, started stabbing and even halting his ability to breathe as he set his phone down. The thing in my pocket, Harumasa thought and closed his eyes, held tightly to his arms while somehow trying to think of some other thing in his pocket other than that.
Shaking words, erased marks and pinched, almost torn-apart paper.
Judging by Wise's text, he probably didn't figure out what those words meant, but really, was Harumasa's expression last time that bad? That sorrowful, smiles that looked artificial and not natural even if he was facing someone like Wise, who he had hidden his own coughs or chest pains many times in front of him successfully, and waved off his concerned frown with another 'Aww, Wise, if I really am not okay, I wouldn't even be talking to you now!'?
However, perhaps it really was just like what the doctor said—you need someone close, someone to live with you to ensure your safety. Harumasa recalled, pinched his palm to not get dragged too deep into his thoughts and let out a slow exhale. He hated how he instinctively wanted someone close despite him living without any for years already, hated how he accidentally (but really, purposefully) allowed Wise to see him in a little pain last time and let him be a little closer to his struggles.
Forever making others frown, immediately trying to make them smile again afterwards while convincing himself that another night of restless nightmares is a life he could tolerate.
Do others tolerate living, too?
"Harumasa, did you find your jacket?"
With a skip then a hop, Soukaku stood next to Harumasa, poked his shoulder carefully and said, "If you're feeling cold, I can lend you mine, really! You… you look kind of sad now."
He really is getting worse at this.
With another sigh as he forced himself to lift his head up, Harumasa gave Soukaku a small smile and patted her head. "It's okay, Soukaku. I already found my jacket."
"Aww, really? That's awesome! Where did you find it?" Smiling widely as her frown immediately disappeared, Soukaku clapped her hands together and asked.
"Well… a certain proxy found it for me," Harumasa said slowly and tapped fingers on his phone, mind still sketching his response to Wise's text.
Maybe something nicer this time?
"If that is the case, make sure you properly thank proxy later, okay?" With her cold and clear voice echoing in the air, Tsukishiro glanced at Harumasa and said, "The proxy has helped us—and especially you—many times before."
"Haha, yeah…" Harumasa laughed lightly, leaned his head back to the chair and said, "How would poor, little old me live without our favorite proxy, huh?"
"Indeed." Tsukishiro nodded. With another sigh as she then stood up, she grabbed something from her desk and walked toward Harumasa. And before Harumasa could do a spin with his chair or dodge Tsukishiro's gaze, a piece of paper then blocked his eyes. "Therefore, treat proxy to something nice tonight. I'll even allow you to leave on time today."
"Wait, really?!" Sitting up straight immediately and grabbing the piece of paper, Harumasa stared at the big, colorful 'A Ticket for Two Drinks!—Reverb Arena Coupon' on it and darted his gaze back to Tsukishiro. "You're telling me that if I take proxy to… Reverb Arena tonight, I won't have to work overtime today?"
"Yes." Sighing upon Harumasa's sparkling eyes, Tsukishiro pushed her glasses and said, "However, please do remember that this is for thanking proxy, and not another opportunity for you to skip work."
"Well, I would take any opportunity to skip work, not to mention when I can officially skip work!" Laughing as he pocketed the coupon, Harumasa watched Tsukishiro let out another sigh and held Soukaku's hand, taking her back to her desk. After making sure that the two had returned to their seats, Harumasa slumped on the desk and carefully took the coupon out again.
Pinching the thin sheet of paper with his fingers, Harumasa somehow only felt nervousness from the vibrant and swirling texts and let out another sigh. Why did the universe seem to hate me especially much recently? Harumasa thought to himself, felt his shoulders tense again and glanced at his phone.
No buzzes so far, which means no more extra text from Wise for the past couple of minutes.
He is still waiting, Harumasa thought, traced his fingers across cold surface while wiping some dust off. If it were anyone else, Harumasa would probably dodge their surely caring, surely genuine messages asking about his well-being and toss the coupon into a garbage can. However, if it were Wise…
"We can watch a movie before we sleep, right?"
A smile, a tilt of his head as he said oh, so gently.
Harumasa sighed mentally. Remembering this now? Really?
But a part of Harumasa felt touched by the words again, felt a part of him shaking but wanting to hear those intrusive, slightly scary but somehow soothing words again and feel good about himself for another couple of hours. He almost felt sorry for "using" Wise like this—stealing comfort from him while he hides all these secrets, all these pain and meds with another surely convincing smile.
However, perhaps tonight that can change.
A little bit more pain to exchange for a little bit more comfort.
Therefore, with a small nod as he convinced himself that this is mostly for his jacket and only a little for the sake of his well-being, Harumasa grabbed his phone, clicked on Wise's profile and ignored his fingers shaking while typing. As he sent the text alongside a picture of the coupon and another digital smile, Harumasa sighed, dreaded at how his heart felt slightly happier when Wise replied with another smile and bit into his lip.
Forever craving smiles despite not having a real one in ages, it seems.
"Hey, Wise! I'm over here!"
Waving toward Wise while trying to meet sea-green eyes, Harumasa purposefully made his own smile wider, and with a skip, he then landed in front of Wise.
"Oh! There you are," Wise said with his eyes slightly wide. Laughing lightly, he said, "Thank you for treating me to a drink, however, are you sure this is okay?"
"Of course! How many times can you spend official money on having a drink?" Harumasa said with a bright laugh. And as his gaze drifted to Wise's side, he widened his eyes upon the familiar teal fabric and attempted to grab it. "Oh! You remembered to bring my jacket, thanks—"
"Actually—" Suddenly withdrawing his arm, Wise hugged the jacket close to himself and said, "let's get a table first, alright? Maybe… one that's away from the crowd."
Harumasa then bit into his lip, felt his smile drop a little but still tried his best to make it exist. Almost wanting to escape the inevitable conversation out of instinct, Harumasa still nodded, dodged Wise's gaze to look at a table tucked in the corner and said, "Sure, let's."
Let's clean up my own mess, then.
Watching Wise nod too as they started walking, Harumasa walked behind him, stared at the floor while holding tightly to his own hands—a weird, heavy feeling on his chest. This isn't going to be a bad conversation. He reminded himself mentally, tried to recall all the reasons why he accepted Wise's invitation as they slowly approach the table (it seemed oddly distant today). He is kind. He doesn't hide anything from me (or so I think). He can be witty, silly but still friendly. He is Wise, a friend, a colleague, someone who once called me family but still make me shake involuntarily whenever he asks me—
"Harumasa, are you okay?"
Letting out a gasp as he paused his steps, Harumasa shook his thoughts away, met Wise's eyes as Wise said, "Take a seat first, alright? I'll go get the drinks."
"N- No, Wise, I—" However, as Harumasa took the coupon out of his pocket, he watched it got snatched away by Wise immediately while Wise's other hand pressed onto his shoulder.
"Sit down first, and leave the drinks to me, okay?" With a hum that came with a smile, Wise held the coupon between his fingers and shook Harumasa's jacket loose. "I'll get you the one you ordered last time."
And before Harumasa could then quickly (or frantically) nod while barely recalling what he had last time, Wise then walked behind him and draped his jacket on his shoulders.
"This should help with your shaking," Wise said, walked in front of Harumasa again and smiled so painfully gentle again. "Take it easy, okay?"
And with Harumasa only able to respond with a small nod, he watched Wise gave him another one and walked toward the bar. Feeling familiar soft fabric cradling his shoulders, Harumasa somehow found it extra heavy today, the softness trapping suffocating warmth in his skin as breathing turned into a chore. With another shaking gasp, he pulled the jacket tight in front of him and forced himself to breathe.
Off to a wonderful start, huh?
Reaching a hand into the pocket, Harumasa immediately felt the thin, slightly worn-down paper between his fingers. Tracing the paper while realizing it was folded even neater than before, Harumasa tried to recall its contents without actually taking the paper out, even though the words in his mind were as fractured, shaking and nonsensical as those on the paper.
Let's hope all this wouldn't sound too miserable in his ears.
Hearing sounds of ice cubes clicking against glasses, Harumasa slowly lifted his head and saw Wise approaching the table with drinks in his hands. Trying to instinctively give him a small smile but only felt like he was pressing his own lips together awkwardly, Harumasa then gave up as Wise set the drinks in front of him.
"Okay, so… this one is yours," Wise said while turning a glass to face Harumasa—the liquid an orange shade of red, and in it was a string of orange peel.
Harumasa then carefully brought the glass in front of him and took a light sniff—bitter, sweet and a light hint of alcohol.
Something that can surely keep him both dizzy and alive enough for this conversation.
"Thanks, Wise. I can't believe you remembered what I ordered last time." Failing to add a smiling tone to the end of his sentence, Harumasa instead allowed the word to drop to the floor, allowed his expression to turn into an awkward one as he gestured to Wise's glass. "What did you get? Looks pretty nice, too."
"I uhh… don't drink that often. I also drive here, so this is just a basic, sweet teamilk." Tapping the glass as faint sounds echoed between his taps, Wise gave Harumasa a small smile and took a small sip of his drink.
So… mine has alcohol and his has none, huh?
In there lies a silly joke about how Wise could be planning on kidnapping him after he got too drunk, but as Harumasa inhaled another breath of his drink, he only wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible and took a huge gulp—but barely felt the liquid scratch his throat.
He should have gotten something way stronger.
"Anyways, so…" Clearing his throat as he lightly coughed into his fist, Harumasa held tightly to the glass and stared at Wise's hands doing the same. "I guess… I have some explaining to do, huh?"
"N- No! Well, I guess I should be the one explaining, or even apologizing first." Waving a hand as his voice turned slightly nervous, Wise sighed, held tightly back to the glass again and bowed his head. "I- I am really sorry that I saw the thing in your pocket. Also, I guess I was a bit too nosy last time when we had dinner together, so—"
"Hey, wait a sec, Wise." Extending his arm while his own voice came out oddly nervous too, Harumasa pressed his lips together, inhaled another deep breath and said, "What are you apologizing for? I had a great time last time, and it wasn't like you were digging through my pockets, right?"
With a drag on his word and another teasing tone waiting for him, Harumasa somehow felt no energy to do so and let his voice hang awkwardly in the air again.
"Y- Yes… but it probably wasn't intended for anyone else to see, right?" After a small sigh, Wise tried to meet Harumasa's eyes and asked, "Anyone, other than yourself?"
"I— Y- Yes…" Harumasa nodded again, the gesture feeling so insignificant yet heavy as he held tightly to the glass. He felt his hands started shaking, his heart and breathing all started shaking as the swelling, growing feeling in his chest attempting to break free. What did he even write on that piece of paper? Harumasa couldn't quite recall, felt them blurring in his mind but still sitting painfully clear in his pocket. But he dreaded taking the piece of paper out again, didn't want to review those lines of words written in a state of forced calmness and fake courage.
Life, himself, and the thing that started hunting him down the moment he inhaled his first breath.
This is all so unfair.
"I- Wise, I'm—"
Feeling the shaking feeling in his chest grow, Harumasa failed to give him another smile, felt his thoughts all failing him as shaking words left his lips on their own.
"I'm not okay," I can't, I don't know how to be okay. "The doctor… she told me that my condition is getting worse, and—"
Red numbers, an empty room with me in it and why can't my heart stop shaking?
"I need to pay more attention to my health, I need to somehow… make myself healthier, or else something like last week could happen again."
…
BAM—
'Yanagi, go search the kitchen, I'll—'
'C- Chief…'
'O- Oh no, Harumasa—'
…
Hang in there, hang in there just a little longer so they will stop frowning or panicking.
"And… And… I am so," so scared. "so… confused by everything, but at the same time, I feel so—" lonely. Angry.
Don't look into his eyes, don't think of or try to hope that someone will calm your trembling.
"So, basically—"A poorly hidden sniffle blocked by his hand. With a hard bite into his lip to force his trembling gone, he said, "with everything so confusing now, the doctor said I- I can only…"
A deep breath—shaking, cold, bitter. After an exhale, he looked up, forced himself to met his eyes with a bright, blatantly fake smile and said,
"Somehow find someone to stay with me so I won't die alone, haha—!"
One, two.
Harumasa counted two drops of water sliding down the glass during his nonsensical speech.
Well, that was painful, Harumasa thought. The word stabbing into his mind, carving into his chest while exposing his shaking, no longer laughing heart. Still afraid of the word even if it has been with you for your entire life? Still trembling, wanting to pretend death or life is as intangible to you as those who never think before they breathe? Ridiculous, another frantic, impulsive attempt at lunging at a sliver of comfort, of warmth, of—
"Harumasa,"
Wise said, shot a hand forth and grabbed onto Harumasa's.
"let's go somewhere else."
H- Huh?
And before Harumasa could widen his eyes or come up with something else to say, he felt his arm dragged upwards, his entire body being dragged by Wise as their drinks stood awkwardly on the table. Watching Wise not looking back, his silver hair first gleaming under vibrant lights and then moonlight, Harumasa stared at him, tried to force a voice out to either stop him or stop himself, but as Wise continued with dragging him by the arm, passed tables and stairs and finally stopped near his car, Harumasa couldn't help but anticipate something to break him free from this tiring cycle, to stop his mind from yelling threats at him when Wise finally turned to face him—
and pulled him into an embrace.
"Harumasa, you won't die alone," Wise said, hands holding tightly onto Harumasa's shoulders as he said the word effortlessly. "You won't, really."
"H- Huh..?" Harumasa felt his body shaking, felt his arms hang awkwardly in the air as Wise only hugged him closer. "How… how do you know?"
"Because you have many people who care about you," Wise said, hands started patting Harumasa's back in the same, comforting rhythm. "Miyabi and the others, Belle and I, and so many more, right?"
"Wise… but," none of them are close enough, can't be close to someone like me. "I… I can't do this to you all. It's—"
And as Harumasa felt something choke his breathing, he let out a shaking sigh, hands dropped weightlessly to his sides and clenched into fists. He tried to think of something to say, something both thought-provoking and not worrisome so Wise would let go of him, stop worrying about him and go back to being normal friends with him. Friends who only chat, talk about movies and laugh about cats, and not this, not this confusing and terrifying mess about everything ending—
"It's okay…" Carefully sighing his words out, Wise patted Harumasa's back, head almost leaning on Harumasa's shoulder. "You don't have to explain everything to me, really."
"But… how would you not be worried for me then?" Harumasa said, didn't even notice his words sounded too raw there and stared at the ground.
However, Wise only laughed and said, "I think I'll always be a little bit worried for you, Harumasa."
Harumasa then heard another laugh. With his eyes still trained on the ground, he could almost imagine Wise's eyes in crescent moon shapes again as Wise continued, "Friends worry for each other. Not to mention I am kind of your family member too, huh?"
Upon that, Harumasa coughed lightly into his fist but felt a light laugh escape on its own. With the feeling in his chest still heavy but at least no longer swelling, Harumasa relaxed his shoulders slightly and said, "We really need to clear that misunderstanding up with the doctor some time."
"Or… we don't have to, and I can keep answering those calls for you, right?" As gentle as usual, Wise only laughed lightly again and patted Harumasa's back.
"H- Haha, yeah…" With a light laugh, Harumasa finally felt his own shaking stopped. Glancing at his own hands hanging awkwardly in the air, he looked at Wise—who was still hugging him carefully—and decided that it would only be polite for him to return the embrace.
Pat, pat.
Patting Wise's arms lightly, Harumasa felt the tiny bits of warmth chase away the coldness on his fingertips and carefully took a step back.
That should be enough for the time being.
Meeting Wise's eyes now that he is no longer hugging him, Harumasa gave Wise a small smile and said, "Thanks for the hug, Wise. I- I think I really needed that."
"No worries, that's what friends are for, right?" Nodding while his smile remained forever gentle, Harumasa naturally mirrored it. How nice and fortunate it is that Harumasa has a friend like Wise? Someone who doesn't forcefully press an answer out of him; someone who won't make a huge deal out of everything and try to immediately make him normal again.
For some reason, being in pain in front of Wise doesn't feel as terrifying.
"So… would you let me to help you, Harumasa?"
Looking at Wise tilting his head with the same small smile, Harumasa felt his guard drop a little. Perhaps he will suggest another movie night? An actual one now that Harumasa has shared his worst fear and pain to him? Harumasa couldn't help but nod while slightly anticipate Wise's invitation; his mind already thinking about what kind of movie they should watch as an actual smile surfaced on his own face. Maybe the movie he saw on the poster at Lumina Square last time? That should be fun to watch, not too heavy and could distract them from the terrifying aspects of reality, too.
Therefore, as Harumasa prepared to offer his suggestion, he watched Wise took a step forward, a hand on his own chest as he said,
"Let me help you find someone to live with you, okay?"
what
Thinking that he must have misheard Wise, Harumasa shook his wide eyes away, laughed awkwardly and asked, "W- Wait. Sorry, Wise, I- I think I misheard you. Did you say—"
"Ah, I guess I should reword my question." However, contrary to Harumasa's wide eyes, Wise only set his hand under his own chin and calmly said, "You mentioned that your doctor wanted you to live with someone, right? And since I know a lot of people, I can help you find a roommate!"
Wha— what?
It's not going to be a movie?
"Oh, and it doesn't have to be a romantic partner, of course," Wise added, seemed to be seriously considering all the options for Harumasa as he narrowed his eyes. "As long as this person cares about you and can help you with your condition, that should be enough, right?"
"I- I— uhh—" Harumasa stuttered helplessly. After a deep breath as his ability to speak came back to him, he waved a hand in front of himself and said, "W- Wait, Wise, I don't think—"
"So, if I grab all the data from there and give them to Fairy, we should be able to compile a list…" However, as Wise remained completely focused on his little plan, Harumasa's voice failed to reach him as he continued muttering to himself. "And after doing this and that, we can… Okay! I think this will work!"
And with a clap of his hands as his eyes sparkled with excitement, Wise gave Harumasa a wide smile and said, "Harumasa, as your friend and proxy, I will find you a roommate. No matter what and without cost."
"W- Wait…" Harumasa then started feeling dizzy. With too many thoughts racing in his mind while none of them making sense, Harumasa only felt his eyes remain completely wide. But with Wise nodding while patting his shoulder again, he took a deep breath, let the only word he was able to say sink into his mind and said,
"W- WHAT??"