Chapter Text
To be a leader was to be strong, smart, and wise. Leo was none of these things. He was faster than he was strong, he relied on Donnie for smarts, and he was definitely more naive than wise. But he knew he was none of these things. That’s why Raph was supposed to be the leader. And maybe his dad wanted him to do some fast growing up or something, but looking back on it splinter should have never made him leader.
Still, he has this ache to prove himself. He could be the leader right? Not like it was a super hard and super important role that would completely impact his brothers’ lives or anything. Leo is immature, he knows he’s immature. He would rather spend the day reading comics or doing anything other than training. And yeah, Raph was really serious when it came to leadership. Leo took more of a… not so quiet bystander approach. He would lead when his brothers looked to him, and luckily they never really did. And if they happened to, it would only be after looking at Raph for help first. Who could really blame them for that? Leo did the same thing.
The point is, the reason everything went wrong during the kraang was because of him and his leadership. All of, well, everything made it clear that making him leader was the stupidest decision their father ever made.
According to Junior, he would’ve been the leader of an entire rebellion. He was supposedly smart and everything anyone could possibly want him to be. But he’s not that yet, and with the change in the timeline who knew if he ever would be. He runs, he deflects, he dodges. He does all of the things he shouldn’t do. But the one time he tried to stay, to take responsibility, to protect. It all went to shit.
In the future Leo was a hero. But here, at this time, he was nothing. Even after he lost so much, like mobility, his ability to act normal, his voice, he still could never be a hero. Maybe everyone else could pretend he was one for his attempt at a sacrifice. Leo couldn’t. He wasn’t a hero. He couldn’t even sacrifice himself successfully.
Leo looked down at the city that was being rebuilt, cranes and machinery clanged loudly. Music played in his headphones, it was slow, mellow, and honestly just plain depressing. The world still shivered with the aftermath of the kraang. The city crumbled in what felt like no time at all. The entire world would’ve followed. But they did it. They saved the city and its citizens. They gave everything, and yet, it still felt like he got off too easy. Leo closed his eyes letting the music take over.
“Are you sure you should be listening to this?”
He flinches hard, nearly falling off the roof as he grips his chest. A hand steadies him and a breath tumbles out of his lungs. Leo looks over to see April looking down at him. She let go of his shell and sat down next to him “I don’t think it’s going to help your mood,” she continued.
Leo rolled his eyes, he wasn’t in a “mood” he was just… working through his intense lifestyle changes. April watched his eyes roll, “Don’t roll your eyes at me, you know I’m right,”.
He pulls out his phone and pauses the music, giving April extra enthusiastic jazz hands with a matching smile. The smile didn’t last long after. April just hummed and shook her head, her eyes stopping to trail over his fresh scars.
“Raph was worried about you, you disappeared. He has everyone out looking for you,” she continued to talk to him. Leo brought a knee to his chest hugging it. There was a long pause, usually he would fill it with a joke. “You can talk to us Leo.”
He couldn’t actually. Not physically. Not without learning sign language, typing or writing his thoughts out, or the months and months of speech therapy he had in front of him. Talking used to come easy to Leo, he would talk without even thinking. Now all he does is think without talking, it’s wrong.
The pain must have flashed on his face cause April quickly replied, “You know what I mean Leo. We wanna help. We all need to help each other. Especially now.”
A deep breath made Leo’s chest rise and fall, he let the wind blow against his skin. He looked out over the healing city and wondered if he could ever rebuild himself too. It was unlikely. He grabbed the side railing shakily using it to stand up. April caught on and helped him up, “On the bright side your mobility has gotten better! You were able to get all the way out here without any help. Or letting anyone know, still mad at you for that by the way.” Once Leo was standing steadily she pulled out her phone. Probably texting Raph that she found Leo and they were heading home. This was gonna be a whole thing wasn’t it.
——
The lair felt colder than it used to. April helped him down the stairs to the abandoned subway station. When Leo looked up he saw his brothers and his father waiting for him. It took a lot to not just tuck into his shell and start hibernating or something close to it. He rubbed the back of his neck before waving. Trying to just have a drop of the confidence he used to carry.
Raph’s eye was still bandaged, Donnie had his battle shell practically glued on, and Mikey had his arms tightly wrapped. Every time he saw their injuries and fears it was another hit to his crumbling ego. Mikey, thank god, ran towards him and hugged him lessening the tension. Mikey pulled away before staring into what Leo swore was his soul, “Do that again and I will hunt you down and never let you see the light of day again.” Leo nodded and smiled down at his youngest brother, enjoying the semi-joking nature.
Raph cleared his throat causing the two to look at him, “Gonna explain what happened Leo?” Ugh. Great. Raph was pissed. Mikey stepped away as Leo pulled out his phone to type a text.
‘Yeah let me just get a hot tea to soothe my throat and then I’ll tell you everything’ he wrote sarcastically before sending it to Raph. Raph silently pulled out his phone and read the message before looking at Leo.
“I’m being serious Leo. You can’t just disappear on us, especially after everything that happened.” Raph was in clingy mode. He usually was whenever one of their family members got hurt. And now, after the kraang, it was like a switch was flipped and Leo couldn’t even breathe without Raph freaking out. “At least tell us where you’re going, okay?”
Leo waved his hand brushing Raph off, as if saying ‘yeah yeah okay, I hear you. Now leave me alone.’ His body was aching from all the moving he’s done today. Leo just wanted to sleep. Raph put his hands on his hips and Leo groaned inwardly. This was never going to end.
Luckily Donnie spoke up, “We need to do your speech therapy at some point today. Sooner rather than later since you chose to ignore the time slot I’ve carved out of my day for it.” April gave him a light slap on the back of the head, “What! He did, I’m a very busy man April, I have a very tight schedule.”
Leo smiled, a genuine one. It was nice to see some form of normality. Deep down however, he couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever make it to that point. Not that Donnie was even close to healed, but Leo couldn’t even talk yet. He missed mindless conversation. He missed joking around and being his charismatic self. He missed talking.
‘Let me sleep for like an hour then we can do it’ he typed, sending it to Donnie before walking to his room. Leo tried to ignore how Raph was about to call out before April told him to “let Leo go,” or something like that.
He felt exhausted, which was embarrassing because all he did was climb up to the top side which took so much extra effort and way more time than it used to. Once Leo made it to his room he practically collapsed into his bed, thankful that his family just let him walk out. It was probably because he looked dead on his feet. Bone tired after doing basically nothing. Leo let his eyes drift close, sleep grasping his brain and pulling him into the weightlessness of his dreams.
Or rather, nightmares. Because, of course, Leo couldn’t dream like a normal person. Because, of course, Leo had more and more shit to deal with. Because, of course, Leo ruined his and his brothers lives. The nightmares he used to have were imaginary, based on fears and insecurity. Now all Leo can dream of is reality, his past, the prison dimension, his brothers’ faces when he came back, the pain he was in, the feeling of having his skin stitched up, his vocal cords no longer able to support words, his body breaking on him, the feeling of suffocation. Both from the Kraang and from his family.
His eyes shot open, he groaned and pulled out his phone looking at the time. He was only asleep for ten minutes. He did even really fall asleep; it was just his brain supplying awful thoughts while his body relaxed. Leo never felt rested anymore. He didn’t like sleeping, and whenever it managed to drag him down he was met with nightmares that would make him feel more drained than before. And sure, occasionally his body and brain would shut down completely allowing for sweet sweet dreamless nights. But those only happened after at least a week of the nightmare cycle. Leo was just hoping a sleepful night would reach him soon or he was seriously gonna lose it.
Not to mention he also had to go to speech therapy in about 45 minutes. Which, yeah, learning to speak again was important or whatever. He’s come a long way in the past month. Now he could even say some words, as painful as it was. However, it was draining and demeaning. Leo didn’t want to sit there trying to will his throat into talking through the shakes and the pain.
Still Donnie or whoever felt like it would keep pushing for him to talk again. To be loud again, to be himself again. But in all the time he’s had to think. Is it really a bad thing that he couldn’t talk anymore? Maybe it would be better if he never talked again. He talked too much before, this could be the chance to turn it around and not continue to ruin everything. To be quiet. Sure, Leo wishes he could talk again. He feels the very want deep within his bones. But that’s all it is, a want. And maybe it’s not what his family needed.
Or maybe he was just having another breakdown.
Which has been happening too frequently for anyone’s liking. Both Leo and his brothers want to return to normality, or as close as they can get to it. Leo knows this, he knows it’s what his brothers want, it’s what he wants. But he can’t help but feel this aching idea that he was supposed to die in the prison dimension. And maybe the world would’ve been better off that way.
Leo had made a close friend with the feeling of insecurity. Ever since he could remember it was always looming over his head. But he would joke, redirect, distract. However, since the kraang it’s been less of a distant quiet guilt and more of an obnoxious consistent reminder. A reminder that he was, in fact, the one who caused the kraang invasion. And he was, in fact, the one who should’ve paid for it.
But somehow he managed to scrape by. He managed to claw his way out of responsibility and into the hands of his loving brothers. And they’re eternally grateful for that, Leo should be too. And Leo was grateful for being able to come home. He really was. He would never want to put his family through the loss of a brother… even if the brother was as problem inducing as him.
But it still felt wrong. He would never tell anyone, but the reality that he was home and breathing felt like a mistake of the universe. It was a feeling his family could never understand, it was something he didn’t even completely understand.
Leo turned on his phone pulling up some social media apps to try and distract himself from the thoughts that loved to embed themselves in his brain. It was a temporary solution, one he was familiar with. A temporary solution to a totally temporary problem that would stop plaguing him soon. Because if he ignored it long enough, it would dissipate and eventually become completely forgotten. Right?
To be straight to the point, it had to. Leo knows he’s already caused way too many problems for his family. It was starting to feel like just him breathing was going to cause problems. Which Leo knew was he shouldn’t be feeling, but it was there whether warranted or not. When he thought too much about it he would feel his heart physically ache. A huge painful weight bearing down on it that makes it hard to breathe and uncomfortable to move. Where he just wants to pause whatever's going on, go into the fetal position to protect his vital organs, and simply disappear. But just like always, when he’s about to sink into that feeling and forget about thinking, there’s a knock at his door.