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Annabeth was back in Tartarus. Alone. Percy had not fallen with her, he listened to her, when she said to let her go.
She was walking along side the Phlegethon, from time to time she had to drink some of the fire, just so she could stay alive. It burned badly on its way down her throat. The sting meant she was alive, alive and alone. Maybe, it would have been ok if she’d died on the way down. Then she wouldn’t have to go through this horrible torture. She wasn’t even sure anybody worried about her. Logically, Percy would, but down there, all her worst fears were stronger than ever.
The walls started closing in. The room becoming smaller and smaller and smaller. The river disappeared, and with it the only source of light. It was pitch black in a room progressively getting tinier, and she was terrified and alone and hurt and she missed Percy and-
Spiders. Spiders crawling on the walls, on her. She screamed and spiders started crawling in her mouth, making their way down her-
Sitting up in bed, her chest heaved, her heart raced and she wasn’t fully aware of her surroundings.
“It was just a dream” she repeated to herself, like a personal mantra, as if that single sentence could make everything go away. Her ankle still hurt, even though it should have healed by now. Stupid fucking body.
Her thoughts were loud in her head, her own mind against her. Relief, she just needed some kind of relief.
The drawer across the room stared at her, a temptation she should have not given into. It would be just once, she promised herself, just this last time for a little reliefs
The dagger sat heavy in her hand, the blade covered in beads of dried blood. Her blood.
A little after she and Percy had gotten together, he found out about her self-harming. It was genuine when she said it was “in the past” and she’d “never do it again”. Percy by her side, no quests and battles further ahead, what more could she ask? Then, he went missing. She had gone mad, desperate in her search for him. That is when, the thought came creeping back (had it ever left?), daring her to do it again. And she did.
Again.
And again.
And again.
“This is the last time” she’d say.
And she would do it again.
She remembers that day so clearly. Every night a she’d sneak out to Percy’s cabin. Well, everybody knew she did and never said anything about it. That night fear and sadness and rage were consuming her entire being. Her throat felt tight, as well as her chest. The pit in her stomach was as deep as Tartarus itself. She laid in Percy’s bed, but his scent was slowly disappearing. That only worsened the situation. The only small comfort she had been allowed, well, also that was somehow gone. It felt worse then withdrawl, she felt as if she was gonna die without him. But that’d be a better fate, wouldn’t it? She still wished for many things, but without him it all felt meaningless. It was natural when she reached for the dagger. It was natural when she cut herself so deeply it wouldn’t stop bleeding and she got through multiple bandages. With that pain, she went to sleep, not sure whether or not she’d wake up the next day.
Clarisse found her in the morning. Normally, she’d be back in her cabin by sunrise, but not that day. She found her still asleep in Percy’s bed, laying in bloodied sheets. At first, it looked only like her period, and Clarisse went to shake her awake, then she realized the blood came from cuts on her torso. After waking her up, she brought her straight the infirmary, where Will actually tended to her wounds. Right then and there, she broke down in sobs, and said stuff about missing Percy so much and feeling always on edge. Nothing made sense and everything was out of her reach. Pain was the only thing she could control. Strangely, Clarisse hugged her and gave her a quick smile. She wiped her tears and tried to smile back, but she must have looked sad more than anything.
Now was the same (well, almost. She didn’t go as deep as that day.) as all the other times. Being overwhelmed meant picking up the blade. It was almost methodical. Get the blade, raise the shirt, cut and cut and cut, put a tissue over it and done. The sting numbed for a little while the voices screaming in her head. She didn’t tend to the wounds, she didn’t need to. The first time, when she was thirteen and scared, she had carefully washed and bandaged the cuts, but after a few times she realized they were fine on their own. It had been four years now, four years of this on and off habit.
The blood trickled down her skin, but it didn’t do much, it wasn’t enough. She needed Percy, but she couldn’t make herself go to him. The guilt of dragging him down with her had been eating her alive, she didn’t need to burden him with this too.
The door closed behind as she got out of her room, set to get the closest to Percy she’d allow herself.
On the deck, Percy gazed down at the sea, wind rippling through his hair. Annabeth tried to retreat silently, hoping he wouldn’t notice, but of course he did.
“Annabeth? What are you doing out here so late”
“I could ask the same thing”
Silence fell, and they just stared at each other. After a few beats, he spoke:
“The sea is my element, it calms me, Now, don’t avoid my question Wise Girl, why are you here”
Turning her head away, she pondered whether to be truthful or not.
“Annabeth? Please look at me”
Stubborn as always, she refused to meet his eyes, scared she might do something dumb, like tell him about the nightmare. Or even cry.
Percy slowly walked towards her, making his presence known. He gently took her chin in his hand and turned her face towards him. Concern laced is every feature, from scrunched eyebrows and a frown painted on his lips.
Annabeth’s lip quivered, though she held on to the scraps of dignity she had left. His mouth opened, as if to say something, but he snapped it close and sighed, pulling Annabeth’s body to his. She stilled for a second, registering the scent that was so strong now, salty and minty and just so Percy; his chest solid under her cheek, and a dam broke inside her. She don’t have the strength to fight the tears as they came, wetting the front of Percy’s shirt. He hugged her tighter, as if trying to fuse their bodies together, as if he held her tight enough, her sorrows would disappear. His hand rubbed comforting circles on her back, while her sobs grew louder.
“Beth?” he asked gently “Do you wanna go inside? It’s warmer there” She nodded, and added shakily “Can we stay in your room?” All the pent up emotions from the past few weeks, even months, was flooding out. Anxiety, fear, sadness, feelings she had bottled up for way too long.
Annabeth held onto Percy as he carried her to his room. Once there, he gingerly set her on the bed and went to fetch a glass of water. Annabeth was still shaking as tears streamed down her face. He quickly came back with a glass in his hand, and he gave it to her. He sat beside her, putting is arm around her. She melted into him, all the tension leaving her body at once. She laid her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and breathing in his scent.
Slowly she regained a tiny bit of composure, and started apologizing.
“Percy I am so so so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to bother you I am sorry I-” In the middle of her rambling, he pressed his lips to hers, in order to shut her up. It worked every time. Even if it was just a peck, the electricity travelled all the way down to her toes. The corners of her mouth lifted up ever so slightly, but he saw it, and mirrored the action. Then, his face got serious.
“Annabeth, you never have to apologize for being a human who feels human emotion. You are always so strong, always in the lead, never letting anything get to you. But that isn’t the real you, your identity isn’t just “architect of Olympus-smart daughter of Athena. You are so much more. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You don’t have to, especially not with me. I think you have built walls so high you don’t know how to let anyone in”
It hit hard. Her whole identity had always revolved around being the ‘leader’, the ‘smart kid’, and she had never learnt how to be anything else. She, the girl who ran away ar seven, the gifted kid, the architect of Olympus. In the confines of those walls, she could just be Annabeth, a teenager that had every right to be just that. She could just be his, she could let him carry a little bit of the weight. But did she even know how?
“Percy, I can try. I will try to let you in, but only if you promise to do the same. Don’t act as if you don’t wear the same armor I do.”
“I will. I promise I will”
The silence that followed wasn’t awkward. It hung in the air like the promise they had made to each other.
Not knowing what to do next, Annabeth asked: “Can I stay here tonight? Please? I don’t feel like being alone right now”. It wasn’t much, but it was a step towards opening up.
He smiled, a sweet smile, not like his signature smirk. “Of course, Wise Girl”
He backed up against the headboard, and she settled between his legs. In doing so, her shirt rode up, exposing the fresh red marks. She scrambled to cover them, but Percy was faster, catching her wrist. He wasn’t holding her in a strong grip, she could have freed herself at any moment. It was a request, a request to make good on the promise she had just made. He looked over and his eyes widened.
“Shit Annabeth, you are still bleeding. Wait here for a sec” He turned to leave, but Annabeth lunged forward, holding him on place. Tears were running down her cheeks yet again. “Please, please stay. I wasn’t lying to you when I said I wouldn’t do it again. I meant it. But then you were gone and I was alone and going crazy looking for you. The pain was eating at me and I didn’t know how to deal with it” She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the blow, for the rage caused by her utter bettayal. It didn’t come, though. She slowly peeled her eyes open and saw Percy crouched down in front of her. He caressed her face and she leaned into the touch.
“I am not mad at you. I don’t think I could be mad at you even if I wanted to. I’ll bring you to the bathroom, ok? He picked her up bridal style and carried her to the bathroom, where he set her on the counter. The New Yorker got a clean cloth and cleaned the cuts, then bandaged them securely. He pulled her body close to his and stayed silent, didn’t ask why or how, he just held her together.
“Ready to go to bed ‘Beth?” The blonde nodded against his shirt, suddendly feeling exhausted. All the emotions had left her feeling drained, but now she was safe in Percy’s arms and didn’t need to hold herself together: she could fall apart knowing he was there to catch her. He carried her back to bed again and got in with her. Percy held out his arms and she snuggled against him.
Sleepily, she mumbled: “Percy? Why were you really on the deck?” Annabeth could feel his breath on her neck.
“Couldn’t sleep. Had a nightmare” She suddendly felt very guilty. How could have she not noticed?
“Why didn’t you say so earlier? I-I wouldn’t have bothered you so much”
“You didn’t bother me, love.” Her heart swelled a million sizes at the nickname. “I coud see something was very wrong, I get nightmares al the time, you were the priority in that moment.”
A priority.
She was a priority. She couldn’t remember a time in her life before him when she was that.
“I had a nightmare too. I was back in Tartarus, but you weren’t there and soiders where everywhere, on the walls, crawling inside my body” The voice sounded a bit panicked. He tugged her even closer, as if trying to merge their bodies together.
“I’d go through it alone multiple times if only to spare you the horrors.”
“Well, what you go through I go through. We’ll stay together, forever. Right?”
He smashed his lips to hers, letting the emotion flow through the kiss.
“Yes, Wise Girl. Forever. I love you. Now go to sleep, you need it”
“I love you too, Seaweed Brain” With that, she tumbled into Hypnos’s realm, and for the first time in a long time, she didn’t have nightmares.
The next morning, when she woke up, the light creeped in through the windows. She frowned, seeing Percy wasn’t in bed beside her. It didn’t last for long, as Percy came in with a breakfast tray and a smile on his face.
“What time is it?” She asked, still half asleep. “Wait, did I oversleep? Nonono” She started getting up, when he stopped her.
“Don’t worry about it. Today it’s our day off, I’ve already alerted the others. They are totally ok with that, they actually encouraged us to relax”
And with that, they ate and joked, laughing like when they were kids again, and didn’t have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Between bites of food they stole a kiss or two, and some got more intense than others. They stayed in bed all day and forgot about the outside world, the prophecies and monsters for a day.