Chapter Text
From the moment she laid down on the now burnt field (nice one Valeria), Nerathiel could feel the urge to take something, anything, flowing through every vein in her body. The herbs she had stolen from Valeria were right in her pocket, it would be easy to simply reach for them and light them up. Yet she was aware that the companion whom she had taken them from would take notice immediately, which would lead to a conversation she didn’t want.
She was certain her ally knew about her. The way she looked at Nerathiel when she asked for the herbs, as if she could see right through her. There was disapproval in her gaze, or at least Nerathiel thought there had to be, she had avoided Valeria’s eyes after asking. Every part of her was telling her to take them, her very being was craving it, only her mind was keeping her grounded amidst the mayhem.
Exhaustion. It was all she could feel. One would be enough to make it go away. Just one, I don’t even have to finish it completely, just a couple of inhales can make it all go away. A moment passes. Fuck it. She pulls them out, lights one on fire and takes a long drag. From the first inhale, her body feels lighter and her head quieter. You need this. Jamal looks at her for a second before turning back to his conversation with Akira. “Are those my herbs?” asked the one person she had hoped wouldn’t do so. She tells Valeria she found them, to which Valeria, who was normally overly trusting, had said I don’t believe you in every way but outright saying it. Mentioning how peculiar it was that she lost hers and Nerathiel just happened to find some, not looking her in the eyes and changing the way she was sitting several times in a matter of minutes. “Peculiar, indeed” barely uttered Nerathiel, Gods, she felt pathetic. It’s not a feeling, you are pathetic. A voice interrupts her train of thought:”May I sit here?” said Valeria, pointing to the spot right across her. Unable to use her words, she merely nodded and received a soft smile in return.
Awkward silence ensued, at least from Nerathiel’s point of view. Valeria was enjoying the quiet. She found herself feeling unsure of whether or not to call her friend out directly after all. What would I accomplish? I already know she took them, seeing as she gave me a ridiculous excuse about finding them. Seriously, does Nera think I'm stupid? Gods, simply asking this is difficult, I can't imagine what actually talking about the situation will be like. Oh Nera, what have you done? Her companion was still avoiding her eyes, a complete contrast to Valeria openly staring straight at Nerathiel, head tilted, as if she was trying to understand Nerathiel's very existence. The victim of her gaze was fully aware of Valeria's actions, and had resorted to hoping her friend would at some point give up on her.
Suddenly, she stopped feeling like someone was watching her, she assumed Valeria had left, but when she turned to look in front of her, she was still there, eyes closed, hands together, praying. She looks so peaceful. As though nothing can get to her in this moment. Perhaps this is because she does after all, belong to the Gods, though if I were to tell her this I would only receive a smile and hear her say that we all belong to them. The Gods, however, favor her. The moonlight shines upon her pale skin, as if it was claiming her. Serene. It is the only way to describe her expression, a small smile on her lips. What are you thinking about, Val? As she watched Valeria pray, for a moment, she thought about taking a page out her friends book and praying to the Gods, begging for forgiveness, she'd beg her friend for it as well, her parents and Sylrien, oh Sylrien, her sister, her mirror in this wretched world. I'm sorry, I never should have left you then and I shouldn't have let you leave now, remain safe, I beg you.
She closes her eyes and attempts to remember her sister's face. Always serious, sharp eyes and lips presses in a thin line, her face shaped by blond locks of hair. The more she focuses on recalling her sister's face, the more her features start to blur. Now when she tries to think of her, it is Odelia's face she sees.
"Who's Odelia?"
This snaps her out of it, eyes wide and looking at Valeria, seeming confused and even worse, curious. "You just said her name all of a sudden, you don't have to say anything..." but the sentiment is lost on Nerathiel, whose mind was already moving too quick. Could I tell her? Do I want to? Would she even understand, no, how could she, no, she can never know. Forgive me, Odie, my friend, forgive me for the crime of ignoring your existence, I'm cruel and you deserve a better friend. You would like Valeria, she would have been good to you, she never would have ruined you, not as I did. They all would have liked you, Jamal especially. Sometimes, when she spoke to Jamal, or simply when she heard him say something in particular, or when she watched him jump on ceiling fans, she could swear it was Odelia she was seeing.
"Nera" Right, Valeria was still here and she was still looking at her, this time with a worried expression on her face, which had made her realize that it she had been silent for longer than she thought. "I'm quite alright, no need to trouble yourself, I was simply...lost in thought." she hoped it was enough to convince her friend to drop it. Valeria watched her with an unreadable expression before saying "If you are struggling with something, or need some sort of help. or just need to talk, you can talk to me, you know, I'm aware we aren't particularly close, but I'd like to be, or at the very least, I want to be someone you can ask ask for help." Nerathiel blinked, before schooling a neutral expression and choking out a thanks.
The two sit in silence once again, when Nerathiel suprises herself by being the one to start a conversation. "Is something wrong with Illithor? His attacks were weaker and he doesn't seem like himself." not that she particularly cared for Illithor, no certainly not, she just found herself wanting to converse with the woman across from her again. Valeria laughed softly and told her she believed the head of the church 'cursed' him by taking away his evil thoughts. "Why would he do that? I mean I get why he would do that, but why just him and not us as well?" to which her friend had told her that he must have caught Illithor doing something unbecoming of a person. That made Nerathiel laugh and wonder aloud what he could've done. "I'm quite certain he was trying to rob the church. I was a fool to believe he wanted to join me without ulterior motives, yet I had hoped. He has truly disappointed me, but I still feel bad for him. The 'curse' the head put on him is a powerful one, he can no longer act on any bad thoughts, he cannot kill, steal or cheat any longer. While I do not condone it, a person should have a choice, instead of having no control over your own actions. I do understand why he did it, to steal from a church is a sin of the highest level. The Gods never forget those that dare sully themselves like this, themselves and the Holy ground on which the Gods rest while visiting our realm. I'm sorry, am I talking too much?"
This shocked Nerathiel for a moment, before she composed herself and reassured that she was listening. "It is easy to listen to you." she got a wide grin, not a small smile like she was used to, but huge and unapologetic, all teeth, and she was unable to stop herself from smiling as well. I feel like I understand you better now. I'm glad, you seem...good. "Are you feeling better now?" she barely registered what Valeria was asking, and once panic overtook her at the realization that she actually wanted to tell her. Bad idea, horrible idea even, one might even say a catastrophic idea. Don't say anything. No, you have to say something, you just don't say anything about- well fuck it I can't say anything about anything. Just say yes and try to move the conversation in another direction. Or even better, get up and leave.
"Do you zone out a lot then?" Nerathiel was quicker this time and immediately shook her head, saying that she is simply tired because of the battle, which, in a way, was true. Valeria simply hummed, before nodding and softly saying something she didn't think she would hear "That reminds me, I believe I owe you my thanks. For the battle, the one where I- well you know... Akira told me after it you got inspiration and killed them, and I'm not saying you did it because of me or that you wouldn't have been able to kill them without it, but, actually I'm not sure myself anymore...Still, thank you, for everything, you really do a lot for us." her eyes were slightly teary. She had left Nerathiel speechless. What do I say? Thank you, but what else? What she just said is...kind, that's what it is, I don't know which words are kind enough that I can return to you, dear friend. I did do it for you, for you and for them and maybe for me. She decides to be brave and say all that she was thinking "And while you are right, and I maybe could have killed them on my own, after seeing you there, lying on the floor, I knew I had to do something, so I suppose I must thank you as well." she was feeling quite out of breath, she didn't normally talk this much. Once she looked up and saw Valeria, with tears freely running down her face, she realized she also had tears in the corners of her eyes. Huh. "Forgive me, I'm afraid I cry easily and your kind words have softened my heart" said Val, chuckling and wiping her tears with one hand. The other hand, Nerathiel took in her and squeezed it. Her friend blinked before smiling and squeezing back. Nerathiel smiled softly, maybe talking to this woman would help her, maybe none of it was as scary as she made it out to be. "Perhaps tomorrow, when we are less tired, we could speak about...a certain matter." spoken so gently, as if trying to coax an animal out of it's shell. Nerathiel felt the paralyzing fear once again and simply responded by saying there was nothing to talk about. Coward, you useless fucking coward.
Valeria was getting pretty tired of the lies, but couldn't yet find the strength to call her out on it. She sighed and leaned against the tree closing her eyes and clutching her necklace. Lord, give me the patience and strength i need to help my friend. Look out for her and gift her the peace she needs. I am your forever in your debt and knowing that I plead that you do this for me as well. Please-"Does your Lord ever speak to you?" it seems it was Valeria's turn to be dumbfounded. She looked at Nerathiel like a deer in headlights before realizing normal people answer the questions they are asked. She smiles softly and tells Nerathiel that he always speaks to her. "In the rays of the sun that tan my face, the grass I walk on and the wind that blows past me, my Lord never stops speaking to me" Nerathiel quickly clarified that she knew that, and meant whether the one that had blessed her spoke to her directly, using his voice. In all honesty, Nerathiel wasn't sure why she even asked such a thing, after all she had never been particularly interested in the Gods, or their relationships with their chosen ones, but for some reason, she was curious what her friend would answer. The woman in question nodded softly and said sometimes, but He never looks the same.
As she was about to ask something else, Valeria suprised her by saying she did not wish to speak much of it. So you have stuff you don't like to talk about either then. I guess that's fair, I don't think I'd like sharing my mother with the entire realm either. Should I tell you I understand, or would that be undermining? Why must everything be complicated. She turned to Valeria, and was met with a fond expression on her friend's face. "You zoned out." the again went unsaid. "I suppose it does happen a bit often" she said sheepishly. Valeria just smiled and looked away, softly shaking her head. Nerathiel looked around and realized they were the only ones awake. Good. They need the rest, it was a long and hard day for them. Stupid tigers, where did they even come from? I'll find out later. Now... She watched her companion settle against the tree, nesting herself in her robe and undoing her braid. Once she finished, she looked Nerathiel in the eyes and asked her how long had she been taking drugs.