Chapter Text
"He has a son, Christopher, he's fifteen years old, and he's all he has, I'll do anything, I'll be Derek," Buck tells them because he will. He will sacrifice his heart and soul for Eddie, for Eddie to live, for Chris not to lose another parent.
"Just convince him to leave," he says and then Bonnie is leaving the shed and it's silent. The man, Earl, is quiet, pacing back and forward until his ex wife returns a smile on her face brighter than ever.
"He's gone, as long as he doesn't bother us we don't bother him," she smiled.
"Thank you," he says and then he takes a breath and adds, "Mom," and it's sickening how her smile grows.
She lost her son, he understands that's, but this, this is sadistic, she knows what she's doing, has those fleeting looks where she understands what she's doing is wrong and yet she continues.
Buck believes he'll die long before this can play out too long, feels like he's on the brink of it now and when he passes out he believes that's it he's dead.
For the next couple of weeks he's in and out of consciousness, burning fever recks him and with no pain medication he's really feeling it all. He wants death now, wants this pain to end, to stop being called Derek.
Buck doesn't know the date when he's back. When the pain is almost gone, the cuts almost healed and he doesn't feel he knows who Buck is anymore, now he knows Derek. He knows the clothes he wears, the collection of vehicle models he owns, he knows his bike. He knows Derek because he is Derek and nothing is changing that.
When he looks in the mirror his frame is lighter, skin sunken and sticking inwards, he hadn't eaten a lot whilst on the brink of collapse, a couple soups every few days is all he could stomach. Bonnie had nursed him through it all, had kept him alive even when the end was near, a part of him is grateful, another part knows he's doomed now.
Bonnie. No Mom. Asks him to call Earl Dad. Earl himself never asks this, he just has this stricken and scared look constantly, he doesn't want this, it's painfully obvious but their guilt behind this, perhaps from not saving their real son.
He's not allowed to go in the room the real Derek is in but he is allowed everywhere else once they believe he's safe, everywhere but outside. He spends the days around the prison house, learning things, adjusting. He's alone some days, but escaping isn't an option, he made a promise but there also doesn't seem to be a way to escape, all tools are left out in the shed he once almost died in.
There comes a point where Buck and Derek begin to fizzle into one and things feel hazy, he can't remember faces too well these days but he knows Bonnie and Earls. His Mom and Dad. This is his home now.
***
Eddie didn't want to leave, he wanted to keep searching but it had been two weeks, he needed to come home to his kid.
He called the sheriff department daily, any updates, any traces, nothing. Weeks passed. He went over everything again and again, everyone had alibis. There was nothing.
Three months have passed. He's gone insane he really has he's so preoccupied by Buck he's losing track of things, late to work, less eating, sleeping, it's taking a toll on him and if that's not enough there's an ache, this horrible ache that kept growing and growing until it dawned on him. The way everyone in that town kept thinking they were a couple, it never annoyed him, never broke him, the only issue he had was it being used to insult him and Buck but actually the idea of him and Buck, it didn't disgust him. It was. It was something he wouldn't mind, that perhaps he even wanted and that's when it dawned on him the truth. He's in love with Evan Buckley, the man that is probably dead in a ditch. He's in love with.
Eddie cries a lot over the next few weeks till things become numb. Work is too odd, even working as Hen's partner there's still this constant reminder of Buck not being there that sickens him. He's so alone.
Maddie understands his pain and they talk a lot, a lot more than they used to even and he admits to her his feelings.
"I've known, I think longer than you have even, the way you look at him, the way he looks at you, it's more than friendship, it's always been there plain to see but you two were just never looking," she tells him, grabbing his hand as tears roll down his cheek. Well he's looking now, looking for Buck and looking at the love he'd been receiving from him so blindly and he curses himself for not realising this sooner.
Six months have passed since his disappearance and things have changed. It's like when Bobby died, everyone was sad, sad in a way that made them believe they'd never be happy again but then things began to lighten, jokes returned, things got better. Not for Eddie, because every time he felt a shred of happiness everything felt hideous, how can he be happy without Buck. The search had been called off, it had been named a cold case. Buck was gone and he couldn't live with that.
Chris was away when it happened, he was about to go to sleep but his phone rang from an unknown number and for a moment he was going to hang it up, probably a spam caller but instead he picked it up.
"Hello?" He said groggily.
"Is this Eddie Diaz?" came a voice, ruff and older.
"Who's asking?" He shot back, a tad more annoyed than necessary, he was like that a lot, all sharp sides.
"Um, I don't actually know his name, hah, you're his friend, the one in the car crash," the man said.
Eddie had dealt with many car crashes at this point he didn't know what he was on about, "Car crash?" He said confused.
"At the diner, you came to the diner with him, you had a spat, he's your boyfriend, I think, " the man continued.
"Buck?! Are you talking about Buck?" He blurts, that's the only person he could be right, it makes sense.
"Buck, hmm, yeah that fits, you need to get him, this isn't, it's not right, I can give you an opening, a time to be there, you get him out and you get far away," the man says.
Eddie takes a breath. He's alive. Bucks alive and Eddie needs to save him, "Where and When?" He asks and the man relays the information to him, tomorrow midday, at the waitresses house. Bonnie. He doesn't explain more but Eddie puts two and two together. She took him. He had been so close. So damn close to him and then he'd left, believing her lies.
Eddie's up from there, booking a flight and packing a bag. No calls are made. Chris is at a camp trip for the week, he's off work for the next two days anyways and he doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up, in case this is wrong, in case it's a prank. But whatever happens Eddie is going to be there, he's going to try and save Buck.
***
When he awakes the house is empty, it's a work day. So he gets up and has breakfast. Putting on clothes that at first were a bit to tight but now fit quite well. After he ate breakfast he went to wash his bowl and found the sink was filled to the bring with water and bubbles. The water was cold by now so he he reached in to pull the plug but his hands hit something else. He gripped the item and pulled it out. A sledgehammer.
In his grip it's familiar. Buck. Some things remind him he's that. Some things remind him he's Derek. These clothes, this house, he's Derek. The hammer, he's a firefighter, he's Buck.
Buck wants to go home. But he is home. He wants to see his family, his sister, his friends, Chris, Eddie. But he's made a promise. To keep Eddie Safe who's no longer here. Eddie's not here.
He puts the sledgehammer on the table and sits, watching and watching. Buck wants to leave. Derek needs to stay. Buck NEEDS to leave. Derek. Derek is across the hall, hooked up to machines in a bed. Buck got in a motorcycle crash. Derek got in a motorcycle crash. Buck got hurt. Derek went into a coma.
Derek is dead. Buck is alive. Buck is here. Buck belongs in Los Angeles, with his friends, his family.
Buck doesn't live in this house.
He picks up the sledgehammer and heads for the metal frame of the door and hits. Again. And again and again. Into the lock until it breaks and swings open and then Buck takes a step as Derek stays in the house. Buck is out.
The sun feels different after so long without feeling it, it beats down on him making him feel sweaty and tired but he's free so he doesn't care. He lets go of the hammer and stands there a few yards from the place he's been stuck in.
He breathes. He has to go, to move. But where, then he looks down the hill. A figure. No. Is it Bonnie or Earl? But then it's getting closer.
"BUCK!" the voice shouts and he breaks in an instant, his name they used his name. His real name. A sob wracks its way out of him and he takes a step. He knows that voice, that face. The man running at him, Buck knows him, it's Eddie.
"Eddie!" He yells out and he's running to now, skidding down the rough terrain towards him, Eddie is here. He's practically launching himself towards him and once close enough he's falling into his embrace.
There's hands tight around him as he sobs, one around his back and the other cradling his head. "I got you, you're safe, I'm bringing you home Buck," Eddie says and Buck cries even more at the use of his name.
When they finally pull away Buck can see that Eddie's been crying too, "I'm so sorry," he says. "I tried, I really did, I just couldn't find you," Eddie tells him.
"You're here now," Buck says.
"I was told to be, I didn't have a clue Buck, if I hadn't been tipped off, I never would have found you and I'm sorry," Eddie says.
But doesn't know what to say, maybe It's okay, or maybe just ask him to say his name again but in the end he just says, "Please take me home," he tells him and Eddie nods, he grabs his hand and begins to lead him away from that place.
They get in a car not far away, a rental or Eddie's got a new car, he's not sure. Things are different, Eddie looks different, his hair is longer and he has a little stubble but also he's very touchy. He lets go of Bucks hand for a second to open the door for Buck to get in the passenger side and then he's going around, getting into the driver seat and then after turning the key he's grabbing Bucks hand again and keeping one hand on the wheel.
He doesn't mind, there's so much going on in his mind. He looks up at the house. So far away now. He'll never see it again. Good. That's not him. As they begin to drive he cries. Not looking at Eddie but a sob does escape him that definitely couldn't have gone unnoticed, he's Buck. He's Buck. He's Buck. He keeps reminding himself.
The blonde looks over at Eddie to see him looking back just for moments before his eyes flicker to the road but there mostly on him.
"I missed you," Buck tells him.
"I missed you, Buck, so much," Eddie tells him and once again it's there, it's his name.
"No one's called me Buck in months, they called me Derek," he says, it probably doesn't make a lot of sense but Eddie does seem to have some idea about all this, someone had called him and given the sledgehammer in the sink, it seems like someone from the inside, Earl. Earl saved him.
"Do you want to talk about it? It's alright if not, just if it helps," Eddie asks.
But takes a few seconds to turn it in his mind before speaking, "Mom-" he stops. No. Not Mom. "Bonnie, the waitress, her son Derek was in a crash, he's in a coma but she's been trying to replace him since, she chose me, she treated me as her son and I played along so that-" he stops himself, he shouldn't say this but he doesn't want to lie, his whole life has been a lie for months.
"When you came to the house they were going to kill you, I convinced them not to, told them you had a kid, I promised if you weren't harmed, I'd, I'd be Derek," he says and then it's silent.
"Buck I'm so-" Eddie begins but Buck won't allow that.
"No it's not on you, it was my choice, I stayed there, I played the role, I was sick from the crash at first, I didn't even think I would pull through if you had got me that day, so I would have possibly died with you safe then both of us dead, but after a couple weeks I got better, Mom, fuck," he says and he closes his eyes to think and when he looks over at Eddie he's looking back.
"It's okay, we both know she's not your Mom but it'll take a bit for you to adjust to that, take your time," Eddie tells him as he squeezes Buck's hand.
"Okay, Bonnie, she got me back to health and then I started learning about Derek, becoming him. I wore his clothes, I'm wearing his clothes, I feel like I'm him, calling his parents Mom and Dad. I found that sledgehammer this morning and I couldn't use it for so long because of Derek, because Derek was meant to stay in that house, but I didn't want to, I wanted to go home, to see you, I know I'm Buck, not Derek but everything is fizzled together," he explains.
There's a beat of silence before Eddie can even speak when Buck's blurting, "Oh my God how is everyone, how's Chris, is he sixteen yet? I don't know what month it is, how's Maddie and the kids and the station, Harry's still probie right?"
Eddie chuckles a little, hand squeezing his again, "Lets take this a couple steps at a time okay, first I think you're going to need some time to get back into being Buck, you are Buck, more than anything, I can definitely see that, but overtime you'll just be him, and after some therapy, now with everything else, it's been over six months, so Chris is sixteen and he's great, he’s at camp right now, you disappearing upset him a lot but we've talked a lot about it, everyone's been upset since then, Baby Nash is more than good and so is Maddie and Jee-yun, we talk a lot, found it helped to speak about you together, and then the station everyone is just everyone, Harry is still a probie, though did you know Ravi and May were dating since the firefighter auction, either way that still going," Eddie explains to him and he's so happy doing it that it even makes Buck smile, he's more than happy to hear about his family.
They pull into the airport and soon enough there, getting out the car and handing it off. Eddie brought Buck's passport and some spare clothes if he wanted him to change, which he does, Derek isn't coming to LA with him. He takes Eddie's bag with him into the bathroom and changes into some joggers, a shirt and Eddie's LAFD hoodie.
For a moment in that stall he feels odd, the clothes smell of Eddie and not Derek. He's leaving this place and going home. It's weird to be so free. He bins the other clothes and heads out to meet Eddie. At first he can't see him and he's terrified. Was he going somewhere? Is he meant to go find him? Or should he stay put? He needs to ask someone? He needs Eddie. His breaths are hurried and before he manages to have a full on breakdown hands are on him, gripping his forearms and Eddie's in front of him.
"Hey I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd be so quick, I got us tickets, you're okay, I'm here," Eddie says and Buck nods looking at him and then he hugs him again and Eddie hugs back.
***
Bucks are thinner, but it's him, he's much easier to hug than he once was. Bucks definitely going through a lot definitely but it's Buck and he needs him, he needs Eddie desperately and who is Eddie to not give the care he needs and deserves. Eddie takes his hand and counts with him as he takes Buck's other hand and places it on his chest, they count and breath till Buck is calm and then they head towards the gate.
This is all very messed up and Buck needs time, Eddie wants to blurt, to tell him he loves him and can't live another day without him but now is not the time, soon but not yet.
"I didn't tell anyone I was coming here, didn't want to get their hopes up in case things weren't as they seemed, we can call them if you'd like?" Eddie asks as they sit in a secluded corner waiting for boarding to begin.
Buck nods and scoots close to him to look at Eddie's phone. "I should have brought yours, I'm sorry I forgot," Eddie says as he goes to find Maddie's contact and then gives him and Buck an earphone each.
"Stop apologising and besides I've gone so long without a phone I think I can survive a little longer," he grins and Eddie nods and then presses facetime on the call before handing it to Buck.
"Wait no shouldn't you talk first, ease her into it instead of throwing my face straight at her," Buck suggests trying to hand the phone back.
"I thought you'd want to talk straight away. I know how you can't contain yourself," Eddie says, giving the phone back.
"Eddie did you butt dial again," comes Maddie's voice into their ears and they pause from where they are holding the phone, Bucks thumb is covering the camera but they can see Maddie who looks like she's at home.
"Um no, I have someone here who needs to speak to you," he responds and then Buck pulls his thumb away.
"Hey," he breathes on the phone, taking it fully from Eddie.
It's silent and then "Buck! OH MY! OH MY!" Then she's crying and Buck starts crying too, people start giving looks and Eddie glares any of them down.
"You're alive?! Where are you? Edmundo what the hell is this?" she sobs.
"We're at the airport, our flight is boarding soon so we should be home around seven I think Eddie said," Buck says and Eddie nods before chiming in.
"I got a tip, though there was no need, muscles here broke out himself, " he says.
"I had a sledgehammer," Buck responds looking at Eddie and then Maddie is snorting through the tears.
"God it really is you, you're already fighting like an old married couple," she chuckles and Eddie watches Buck's grin grow at that. Not yet he reminds himself.
"I can't wait to see you, " Buck smiles and then a speaker is announcing their flight is boarding. "We've got to go, I love you Maddie, so much," he says.
"I love you Buck, get home safe," she tells him and he nods and they end the call there so they can get onto the plane.
The flight stresses Buck out, that is more than evident by the way he keeps clenching and unclenching his fist so Eddie takes his hand again, it calms him instantly and he sighs. "Should we be calling the police," he asks.
"I want you home first, it's what the man on the phone asked of me to, get you out of there so that's what I'm doing, we're going home and then we call them, I don't want you in the same state as them anymore," Eddie tells him and Buck nods, squeezing his hand.
The flight feels endless in an uneasy way, Eddie's waiting for something to go wrong, jet failure, forced landing, bad weather but instead it's breezy, even Buck's calmer and more talkative but less than usual, less than Buck is.
That's the thing about Buck: he talks about anything and everyone, what he's doing, the food he's been making, the facts he's learnt. Buck has been gone for six months, he hasn't been researching or cooking or saving lives he's been in that home, so Eddie does the talking and Buck listens.
When they land there off the plane quickly and Buck is grinning like a Cheshire as he talks, "It's really weird how different everything feels, but like a good weird, it's a breath of fresh air," he smiles as they pass LAX security and head towards the doors. Before they can even go outside, they are stopped by a familiar face, Maddie is there with Nash in her arms and Jee Yun who runs over to her uncle who scoops her up instantly.
"Hey little lady how ya been?" he grins at his niece who gives him a thumbs up as he walks forward and is putting his arm around Maddie and Eddie watches with a smile as the two have an awkward but happy hug.
"And how are you?" he asks as he pulls away from the hug and the pair are crying and Eddie thinks he might be too.
"I'm fine, I should be asking you that, what happened, you lost weight, are you hungry," she pesters and Buck laughs.
"I'm okay, really a little roughened up but okay, I was kidnapped but I'm out now, it's okay, it'll get better," he tells her. "Is Chim working?" he questions.
"Yeah everyone's at the station except Eddie, I didn't tell anyone, didn't know if you wanted them knowing yet, if you need to rest you should," she tells him.
“I don’t need rest, I want to see them and Athena and May, could we all go to the station now?” Buck asks and Maddie nods.
They end up in Maddie's Car, with Eddie in between Nash and Jee Yun in the back seat as the Buckley siblings natter and it’s nice to see them talking, the way it should be.
***
When they arrive at the station Buck is nervous even though he shouldn’t be, he’s happy, his friends are in there and Athena and May will be here soon. This time around through his nervousness he finds Eddie’s hand and then he walks in. There's chatter around them as the group of five come in and it’s coming from up the stairs, it’s a bit bad how no one notices there presence, especially for a fire station.
“Hello? Earth to the 118,” Maddie calls and Buck laughs, he needs this, to feel happy and warm, he’d lost his light but was regaining it bit by bit.
It’s silent and the people at top halt and turn around and then there scrambling, Harry’s down the pole first, barelling into Buck joined by Ravi and then Hen and Chimney run over and Buck is being hugged from every angle and he has to let go of Eddie’s hand but he can manage now ith his family close, there are tears and grins and a cacophony of sound around him, a part of him wants to run, the part that had grown used to silence, of nothing for miles and miles and only two voices but this, he can handle this for them for him.
“Missed my cooking that much?” he questions that earns him laughs.
“Hey what's wrong, Eddie said there's an emergency?” May says appearing around the firetruck flanked by Athena and then once again there’s running and she's hugging Buck and once she’s finished Athena pulls him into a dead grip hug.
“I thought I’d lost you, don’t ever do that to me again, you hear me,” she whispers and he nods into her shoulder.
Once they pull away the conversations begin, “Where the hell have you been?” Hen asks as she's looking him over methodically for injuries that could be seen by eye.
“I was kidnapped, it’s a long story, that I’ll tell you all but preferably over some alcohol and if we’re feeling gloomy, but for now lets keep this happy,” Buck tells them all and they agree.
They end up going back upstairs, eating the food that had been prepared by Ravi and Hen, it’s good, but not as good as Buck’s and Bobby’s food which Hen admits everyone was missing. It’s already late to start off with and so Maddie reluctantly heads home with the kids and they all chat longer but Buck grows tired, it’s been a lot, a lot more than he’s been used to and before he realises what he’s doing he’s cramping into Eddie's space, leaning up against him on the couch and falling asleep.
When he awakes it’s quiet, too quiet but Eddie is there, he’s caught kind of red handed with his hands running through Buck's hair but Buck doesn’t mind, pressing into the touch.
“Where is everyone?” he asks.
“The bell rang, you slept through it all, after that May and Athena left, after taking about a million pictures of you sleeping,” Eddie tells him softly and Buck hums at the tune of his words.
“I should head home,” he murmurs, this couch is uncomfortable if he’s honest. The word home feels weird because his home doesn’t have people in it, it's just his and it’s here in Los Angeles.
“I got a couple of comments to make on that topic,” the dark haired man tells him.
“Ok Diaz I’m all ears,” he responds, pushing himself up.
“Do you want to be alone right now?” he questions and Buck shakes his head just like Eddie had suspected then he continues, “And the other thing is your home is kind of gone, the landlord gave a three months notice after you disappeared then we had to move your stuff out, so would you want to come home with me instead?” Eddie asks.
“That sounds better than my place either way, so a win is a win,” he murmurs, he’ll blame it on still being tired if needed but Eddie’s home has always been the best because Eddie is in it, when he had lived there it had felt rather soulless.
It doesn’t take long to get to Eddie’s after calling a cab and when he gets inside it’s like nothing's changed, he loves it.
“You can take my bed, I’ll take the couch,” Eddie says but Buck grabs his hand, for two reasons, one nice, one selfish.
“We can share, I don’t need you complaining about an aching back, besides I don’t want to be alone, if that's alright,” he tells Eddie.
“That's more than alright Buck,” he responds and there it is, his name, he’s been hearing it so much and not Derek, never again Derek.
They get into bed and it’s not odd when they scoot close together, Buck needs to be close to Eddie, needs to know this is real, that he’s safe and it seems Eddie needs the same and that’s how Buck manages to sleep, as Buck in Eddie Diaz’s bed, held together in his arms. Buck is back.