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Like so many of their days, this one started with a plan. Jay was sitting at his piano, as Matt described a plan involving them attending a hockey game. Jay began to play an upbeat, “game day”-esque melody.
“We go to the game, and people are thinking, “Oh my god, these guys are crazy.” We’re in the stands, “Alright, yeah, let’s go!” We’re- we’re nuts! And then we wait till the jumbotron’s on us, and people are like, “Finally, we’re gonna get to see a show!” Then, at this, at this highest moment, camera zooming in on us, “Well folks, these are the biggest fans of the game. Let’s show ‘em some love!” Then, we kiss, kissing each other, right in front of everybody, on the jumbotron. Huge, shocks.” Jay immediately stopped playing, unsure if he heard Matt correctly.
“We’re kissing each other? Hold on, wait, no, don’t write that down.” Matt had already scribbled the words 'We kiss' on the whiteboard.
“Everyone watching is going BLEUGHH, BLARGHHH, vomit, rolling down those, uh, solid cement stairs, the players on the ice: “What? no way!” Especially the ones from Russia. It’s the gay panic, and we confront them, with their homophobia.” Jay was still stuck on the fact that Matt had created a plan that involved them kissing each other.
"You know, I’m not really-”
“And then we’re on the nightly news, and we say “Guess what!? It was really just a… what’s it called, a promotional stunt? For our band Nirvanna The Band, to play a show at the Rivoli.” An uncomfortable silence filled the room, as Jay was truly unsure of what to say.
“What is it? Uncomfortable? With the plan?” Like usual, Matt hadn’t given his brain enough time to fully process the potential implications and consequences of this plan.
“Yeah, I mean like it’s totally natural that I’m uncomfortable with it.”
“Mm…hmm? Maybe you have some issues?”
“No, I’m- I have no issues with it-”
“So then, what’s the issue-”
“I have no problem with it, in fact, I think that it’s actually quite nice watching- that happen. I think it’s the same as when a guy and a girl kiss-”
“I think it’s better.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah.”
“I agree.”
“Alright, so then let’s go. Come on, big talker. Let’s see if you’re a big kisser. We’re going. We’re walking- we’re going to the game. So we can do the kiss plan.” Jay was still wondering if there was a way he could convince Matt that this plan wasn't, in fact, a good idea, but he decided he could cross that bridge later on.
———
After their new plan to perform at the Rivoli's improv show failed (mainly due to Matt's ego being crushed under the raw weight of Jay's improv prowess), they resorted back to the original plan, no thanks to the magical Donnie burger. Mind you, the only reason Matt thought this burger was magical was because of the Wahlburgers’ television experience (creatively named ‘Wahlburgers’), that they broadcast in their stores. In this particular episode, Donnie proclaimed, “Use the Donnie burger, good things happen.” To poor, pitiful, down on his luck Matt, this sounded like a gift from heaven.
“I wish that Jay would come and apologise to me.” Matt took a bite. He waited for a second, wondering what he really expected, when he saw Jay enter the building. And guess what, he apologised! ‘Oh man, this is gonna be so fun to exploit, this is great!’ Matt thought to himself, unable to hide a devilish grin on his face.
———
Matt and Jay had arrived at their seats just in time for the game to start. After their encounter with the guys working in the CTV van, they were positive they would be shown on the jumbotron that night.
“We totally convinced those guys, huh Matt?”
“Yeah bird, I don’t know why they wouldn’t show us up there, we really sold our case!” As the hockey game progressed, Matt and Jay yelled a fair share of cheers and chants, although keen hockey fans would have been confused with their choice of terminology.
“GO MAPLE LEAFS!! GET THE BLACK THING IN THE GOAL!!”
“Come on blonde dude, you can do this, oh COME ON! What a fucking idiot, why would you hit it to that guy!? Oh, wait, they’re on the same team, my bad.” Throughout their enthusiastic support, Matt continued to scarf down burger after burger, repeating to himself after each bite, “Let the plan work…let the plan work…” That is, until the kiss cam began searching the crowd for happy couples to showcase their love on the big screen. By this point, Matt only had a quarter of a burger left, and he decided to make one final wish.
“I wish that Jay enjoys the kiss, like it really gets him going, and that it’s great,” Matt muttered quietly to himself before shoving the rest of the burger into his mouth.
“What was that, MJ?” The only word Jay could make out in Matt’s crazed rambling was “kiss”, which reminded him of the whole reason they were there and sent a chill down his spine.
“Oh nothing, just finishing the last burger.”
“Thank god, I mean, are those burgers really that good? I feel like you’ve been eating them all day!” At this point, Jay was trying to distract both himself and Matt from the kiss (but mostly himself), by interrogating Matt about his odd choice of meals. Matt immediately ruined this by asking, “Do you have any breath mints?”
“What? Do I have any breath mints?”
“Yeah, so I can make my breath a bit less burger-y, for the kiss, obviously.”
“No, Matt. I don’t have any breath mints. Just have a sip of your drink or something.” The thought of Matt wanting the kiss to be a pleasant experience for Jay made his heart flutter, which was then followed by a sense of shame and the thought ‘He probably just wants to make sure he doesn’t throw up in my mouth or something. Why did I interpret it that way?’
“Well folks, these are the biggest fans of the game. Let’s show ‘em some love!” A booming voice flooded the arena. The commentator's use of phrase created an odd sense of Déjà vu within Matt, but he ignored it. Jay looked up to see that the cameras were pointed at them, frantically alerting Matt.
“Look, Matt, we’re on the screen!” Matt also began to freak out, looking at Jay. Jay became hyperfocused on how his body was reacting in the moment. How sweaty his palms were, the way his heart was racing, the nervous look he was certain covered his face. Matt could definitely see how nervous Jay looked, but he wasn’t feeling much better. It felt like his body was burning from the inside out, killing the butterflies darting around in his stomach. Jay’s eyes shifted to Matt’s lips. Jay had considered what it would feel like to kiss them before, they always looked so soft and full, and Jay was finally about to feel them against his own.
With his eyes, Jay asked Matt, ‘Are we really doing this?’ Matt's eyes said, ‘Yeah bird, obviously’, before he went in for the kiss. It was short lived and, if Matt was being completely honest with himself, a bit underwhelming, but he later realised that was probably due to a rapidly increasing feeling of nausea within him. When they pulled away, the crowd was cheering. Jay looked over at Matt, trying to read his expression and what he thought about this whole ordeal. Instead of whatever Jay was expecting, he watched as Matt proceeded to throw up in his lap. The cheers immediately turned to sounds of confusion and disgust, the jumbotron quickly switching to the players on the ice.
“Woah, Matt, are you ok?” Jay’s psyche was split between being genuinely worried for his friend, and physically restraining himself from saying “I told you so”. I mean, eating seven burgers in one day is probably enough to make anyone puke, right?
The next ten minutes were a blur for everyone involved. Matt and Jay quickly left their seats, cameramen in tow, before security stopped them in their tracks. They were then escorted to the exit, with a calm but stern warning to ‘not partake in that behaviour in this arena again’. Once they were out in the brisk, icy air, they were able to catch their breath and begin processing what on fucking EARTH had just happened.
“Are you feeling any better, MJ?”
Matt was staring into space. He had a delayed reaction to Jay’s question, as if he had been deep in thought. His jersey and jeans were faintly stained with puke, even though Matt had vigorously rubbed at them with napkins.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Matt seemed totally out of it, but that wasn’t too surprising given he’d just thrown up and been kicked out of Scotiabank Arena within the last 10 minutes.
“Let’s go home Matt, I really don’t want you throwing up on the side of the road like some shit faced college girl on a Saturday night.”
“Ok.” Matt slowly followed Jay as they made their way back to the house, Jared and Luca capturing the entirety of their walk of shame on camera.
Luckily, more to Jay’s relief than Matt’s, Matt didn’t throw up on the way home. Although, the second they got home, Matt made a beeline for the bathroom upstairs. Everyone had a hunch of what was happening up there, choosing to avoid the area.
“Hey, I think we’re done for the day guys, you can turn the cameras off,” Jay calmly announced to the cameramen, who immediately stopped recording and made their way upstairs to their rooms.
Jay changed into his pyjamas, deciding he’d play some Mario Kart to take his mind off things, hoping Matt would come downstairs after he’d gotten all of the burgers out of his system and join him. Before he sat down, Jay thought, ‘Matt’s been up there for a while… I should probably at least call out to him and make sure he hasn’t dropped dead or something’. Jay made his way to the foot of the stairs.
Matt was freaking out. He kneeled down in front of the toilet bowl to see if he still felt nauseous, but that wasn’t it. He felt sick to his stomach, but in a completely different way. His hands tightly grasped the bath mat below him in an act to stabilise himself. He couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss with Jay, and what had happened after. He could picture the events following the kiss, which replayed through his head in greyscale. Jay asking if he was ‘ok’, his arm wrapped around Matt’s shoulders as they left Scotiabank Arena, checking on him again once they were outside. It was surely all his way of hiding that he knew the truth, right?
Matt’s eyes began to water, as he slowly rose to his feet. Everything was ruined now, this was his chance and he blew it! He hadn’t just blown another plan to get a show at the Rivoli, but he might have lost his best friend. Once the tears began to fall, he couldn’t stop them, as Matt started angrily muttering to himself, slowly pacing back and forth from one end of the bathroom to the other.
“Hey Matt, you done throwing your guts up?” Silence. Jay made his way up the stairs slowly, listening carefully for any heaving, which would, surprisingly, quell his anxieties. Once he made it to the door of their bathroom, he listened quietly for a moment. Usually, he does this to make sure he doesn’t walk in on Matt jerking off or anything else unsavoury. Standing still, he thought he could hear a soft murmur… was Matt talking to himself? Jay decided that was definitely at the more positive end of the ‘Things He Might Hear Matt Doing In The Bathroom’ scale, so he spoke up.
“Hey, you ok in there man? Just seeing if you've gotten all of those burgers out of your system yet.” Matt responded quicker than Jay expected with a slightly shaky “Yep, all good bird!” Jay decided to open the door anyways, make sure Matt hadn’t missed the toilet and covered their bathroom floor with half-digested burgers. Upon opening the door, he found Matt standing in the centre of the room, staring at Jay with a fearful look in his eyes. His face was slightly red and puffy, which Jay wrote off as a result of Matt throwing his guts up, before realising Matt looked particularly sad, and wondered if he had been…crying?
“Hey bird, sorry, I’ll be out in a minute.” Matt looked ashamed, which was rare for him. He was avoiding eye contact, acting as if he had been caught by the teacher passing notes in class. Jay decided to pry a bit further, because it was pretty obvious that something was going on with him.
“Are you sure you feel alright? Do you think you might have food poisoning or something?”
“No, I honestly haven’t even thrown up since we got home, I’ve just-“ Matt realised he’d said too much.
“I was just… making sure there was nothing left in there,” he said while petting his stomach. That could’ve been convincing, had Matt’s face not looked the way it did. His eyes were bloodshot, with damp eyelashes to match. His face was a soft pink, with what appeared to be half dry tears streaking it. Upon noticing Jay analysing his face, he came up with another genius excuse.
“I was also rinsing my face with some cold water, see? Refreshing!” He quickly turned the tap on and splashed his face with the water, wincing at how cold it was, allowing Jay to see even more clearly through his bullshit.
“Ok, well I’ll be waiting downstairs and we can play some Mario Kart and chill.” Jay left Matt to deal with whatever his problem was, making his way to the couch and getting comfortable. Around two minutes later, Matt slinked down the stairs, hoping Jay wouldn’t notice the wood floor creaking. He silently grabbed his pjs and got changed, before joining Jay on the couch. Jay had been listening out for Matt, so he had heard (and seen) all of this. He’d never really watched Matt get changed before (this isn’t true but he wouldn’t admit that with a gun to his head), but after the events of tonight he couldn’t help but look. Matt was facing away from him, in an attempt to ignore that his best friend was currently in the same room as him. Matt quickly took off his hat and jersey, before unbuttoning the shirt below it and removing his pants. Jay admired the soft but toned appearance of his arms and shoulders, watching the way his back muscles flexed as he put on his red flannel long sleeve. He then quickly pulled the flannel pants up his legs. ‘Those thighs…’ Jay thought, before snapping himself out of the spell he’d been placed under. He made sure to turn his attention away from Matt before he finished changing, so he wouldn’t be caught staring. Once Matt joined Jay on the couch, he was handed a remote and they began playing Mario Kart. After an hour or so had passed, Matt seemed to be back to his regular self. At this point it was past midnight, and they were both feeling exhausted after their eventful day.
“Matt, I’m tired, I’m gonna hit the hay-”
“What? Come on man, just one more game!”
“How have you regained so much energy? Aren’t you exhausted after everything with the…burgers?”
“Ok look. I think we need to talk about that.” Jay was confused about Matt’s sudden mood shift from cheerful to confrontational.
“Yeah, sure…what about the burgers?”
“I know what you’ve been thinking, since we kissed, and I just want you to know that you’re wrong.” Jay froze. He had almost forgotten that the kiss even happened, it was overshadowed by everything that had followed it. What did Matt mean? Was he trying to say that he didn’t enjoy the kiss? That he wished it never happened?
“Ok… what exactly have I been thinking?” The only way to even try to understand what was going through Matt’s head was by being as straight forward and blunt as possible with his questioning.
“I mean, I don’t need to say it, right? You were there when we went through the plan this morning, how the crowd were all gonna vomit after they saw us kiss… and then I vomited after we kissed…” Jay slowly realised what Matt was trying to say.
“Wait, so you think that I think you threw up out of disgust!? Dude! You ate like a million burgers, of course you threw up! I thought something else was up, you seemed so, sad and ashamed-”
“Wait, so you don’t think I’m homophobic?”
“Matt, of course I don’t think you’re homophobic.”
“Phew! Wait, I have one more question, and this is simply to prove a theory, did you enjoy the kiss?”
“Um, I-I mean…” Jay wasn’t sure if Matt was trying to trick him. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure what “theory” Matt wanted to prove. So, he tread carefully with his response.
“I didn’t not enjoy it, like it was fine, it was pretty quick though, so I don’t have much to go off here… have I proven your theory?”
“I think you have, I wish I had another burger so I could prove if they were truly magical or not-”
“Huh? Magical burgers? Matt, there’s no such thing as magical burgers.”
“But if I hadn't eaten them then you wouldn’t have come and apologised, we wouldn’t have gotten on the jumbotron, our plan wouldn’t have worked!!”
“You fuckin’ idiot, I could’ve told you that that was all a coincidence.” Was that it? Magical burgers? Jesus Christ, so that’s why Matt had been muttering random shit all day while eating those goddamn Wahlburgers.
“Shit, yeah, looking back that makes perfect sense. What was I thinking? Magic burgers? I even considered if throwing up the last burger had, like, reversed my wish and made the opposite happen, like a curse!”
“What was your last wish?”
“Well, I guess it was something like, I wish that Jay enjoys the kiss, like it really gets him going, and that it’s great. Honestly, I think that’s what I said verbatim, like I really just…” Jay’s cheeks began to redden. He could feel his heart pounding in his skull, his brain completely drowning out what Matt was saying (which didn’t really matter, at that point Matt was just blabbering to himself).
“You wanted the kiss to “really get me going”?” Jay unintentionally interrupted whatever tangent Matt was on.
“I- um, well, I guess so, yeah. I mean, I don’t know why I would’ve not wanted you to like it at least a little bit, that would’ve been a bit stupid. Imagine if I had wished for you to “feel completely neutral about the kiss”. Oh man, how stupid would that’ve been?”
“That’s true, well I don’t know if I’d say it “got me going”, it lasted like two seconds and then you threw up immediately after…”
“Well, I mean we could try again? If you wanted to. Just to give it a proper go, y’know. I don’t think there’s any harm in making out a little-”
“Um…” Jay looked across to Matt, who was sitting expectantly, like a child on Christmas morning waiting for his gifts.
“Sure, I mean yeah, we can do that Matt.”
“Ok great! So… take two…” Matt and Jay’s eyes met once again. They were already sitting quite close, but Matt scooched over slightly, his right leg brushing up against Jay’s left leg. Jay’s eyes darted towards the contact, a reminder that this was really happening. As their eyes met again, both Matt and Jay were internally freaking out. Neither were willing to show their internal panic to the other, so as to not admit defeat. Matt slowly began moving in, his eyes never leaving Jay’s. Jay followed this movement, until their lips met.
They sat there for a few seconds, relishing the feeling of contact, before their lips began to move. This kiss was much slower and more purposeful than their previous. The warmth of Matt’s body comforted Jay, drawing him further in. Matt began to deepen the kiss, moving his tongue over Jay’s bottom lip. Jay slowly pulled away, his nose still touching Matt’s. He was unsure of where he wanted the kiss to progress, deciding to stop where they were, before things got too out of hand.
As they pulled away, both of them felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted from their shoulders.
“Wow bird… not so bad at that, eh? I guess this plan wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Well, actually, that’s not true, the plan itself was a complete and utter failure, we didn’t even get close to a show at the-”
“Matt. I think we need to talk about what just happened.”
“Don’t you think we’ve done enough talking about stuff we “just did” and “what just happened” tonight?”
“That’s true, but I need to say something.”
“Ok.”
“I think I’ve been wanting to do that, with you, for a really long time.”
“I mean, same, Bird. That’s kind of why I wanted us to kiss in the plan, like there are so many other things we could’ve done on that jumbotron, we could’ve held up a sign that said ‘Nirvanna The Band are performing at The Rivoli tonight!’, we could’ve-”
“This whole plan was just so you could kiss me?”
“Well, no. Don’t get me wrong, the kiss was certainly a key aspect of the plan, but you have to admit that the whole hockey game thing could’ve been great, with maybe a few tweaks.”
“Yeah, I still think that the improv plan would’ve worked way better-“
“Don’t you dare bring up the improv plan, that was- that was doomed from the start-“
“Because I was better at improv than you?”
“No, because joining the improv show at the Rivoli is like, cheating, we need to get our own show at the Rivoli.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” As the adrenaline of the kiss wore off, Matt was hit with an intense wave of fatigue, causing him to yawn obnoxiously.
“Wow, I’m tired, Bird. I think I might call it a night.”
“Yeah, me too.” In silence, they both completed their nighttime routines and got into their beds. Even though he was exhausted, it took a while for Jay to fall asleep. His thoughts were consumed by his best friend, he could still feel the sensation of Matt’s lips meeting his. The thought that Matt was asleep above him, blissfully unaware of what he was doing to Jay, made him frustrated. Eventually his fatigue overcame him, and he was sent into a restless sleep.
———
Matt slowly opened his eyes. The sound of Jay playing the piano faded into his consciousness. He sat up, looking over to where Jay was sitting. He stayed there for a moment, silently observing Jay in his natural element. The song he was playing wasn’t familiar to Matt, he figured it was something Jay had come up with on the spot. It sounded slightly suspenseful, which felt out of place among Jay’s usual calm morning serenades. As Matt’s brain began to wake up, the beginnings of a plan were forming.
“Morning, jay-bird.” Jay flinched, suddenly stopping his song. He turned around to see Matt climbing down from the top bunk.
“Morning.”
Matt was about to make his way upstairs, wake up their cameramen and prepare for a new day, until he remembered something, stopping him in his tracks.
“Wait.”
“What?”
He turned back around and made his way over to Jay. He bent down and gave him a soft kiss, lingering slightly longer than a peck.
“I just remembered that that’s something I can do now.”
“Well, I’m glad you did.” A smile crept across Jay’s face, making Matt’s chest feel warm and fuzzy. He resumed his journey, grabbing his clothes and making his way upstairs. He woke up Jared and Luca, who seemed to be unaware of the previous night’s events. They both made their way downstairs, preparing to capture Matt’s new plan on camera. A few minutes later, Matt came running down the stairs.
“Jay! Jay! I’ve got a plan. We should, take advantage of this, of this situation. To help us get a show at the Rivoli.” Matt made his way to the white board, jumping onto their couch and popping the lid off a marker. Jay began playing an upbeat tune on the piano as Matt continued.
“So, I propose that we make it seem like the Rivoli has done something homophobic to us-”
“Like a hate crime?” A dissonant piano chord echoed through the room.
“Yeah, a hate crime!” Jay’s song became more sinister, with the addition of some minor chords. Matt writes “Rivoli hate crime?” on the white board.
“And then, if we start telling people about it, they’ll say “Oh, these poor guys, they weren’t allowed to perform at the Rivoli because they’re in a gay relationship-”
“We’re in a gay relationship?”
“Well, no. I mean not yet, I mean, it doesn’t matter. But for the sake of this plan we are. So, I mean we don’t even have to go to the Rivoli. If we make a video that looks like someone doing something bad to us at the Rivoli, and then we show people, I think we could get the public all riled up over this.”
“Yeah… so what sort of hate crime should they be doing to us?”
“Wow, I mean, so many to choose from… If only there was a rolodex of gay hate crimes. I mean, there’s the gay panic defense, but I think that that one might involve, us getting killed… so that wouldn’t work for this. We have to be alive, in order to perform at the Rivoli.”
“What about just a good old beating up? Like they beat us up because we tell them we’re gay and we want to perform at the Rivoli? And of course we don’t have to actually get beat up, but we can make it l-
“We can make it look like we were, yeah, with some genius practical effects and editing techniques.”
“Yeah.”
“So, what do you say, bird, say we give this plan a try?”
“I mean, sure.”