Chapter Text
You are sulking again, a shadowy voice echoed inside of her head.
I am no such thing, Naoto replied to it, out of habit. She wasn't sulking. She was tired, that was all.
Her head rested on her arms which in turn rested on her desk at school. Students drifted in and out of the classroom, thankfully no longer trying to engage her in conversation. Weeks of pointedly ignoring them now finally paid off.
The blue-haired girl heard the voices of students drifting in from the school yard outside through the open windows. Spring was in full force with only two days into May. While the weather held, few would bother to sit inside, additionally assisting her in her bid for solitude.
That is, until she heard someone open the door to the class room suddenly. She turned her head towards the windows and let her eyes slide shut. They would leave.
Someone moved a chair near her and she felt an item being placed on her desk. When she didn't react, she heard a chair scrape once more, heavier.
She rolled her head back only far enough for her nose to remain pressed to her arm, as she glanced forward. An eyebrow slowly came up, as she saw two cloth-wrapped packages in front of her. She still didn't see who it was, her cap hiding her face from the other person as effectively, as it hid their identity from her.
“Salmon or pork?” asked a familiar, warm voice.
Naoto slowly lifted her head and the moment she saw his face, she pinched her eyes shut. “Kanji-kun.”
"Mhm, 's me."
She remained silent, turning her head away again, keeping her eyes shut. He would soon leave and whatever he wanted could wait...
Sadly, he, too, waited on her, and when the silence lingered, he repeated himself. “So? Salmon or pork?”
“What kind of a fragmented question is this?” she mumbled against her arm.
“Mhm?”
“You are not being precise. What is your question?”
“Ah. Sorry. Would ya like salmon or pork for lunch?”
“I did not bri-“
“-bring any lunch, yeah, I figured.” She opened her eyes and glared up at him. He stared back. “What?”
“How would you know…?”
“Ya ain’t brought any lunch for two weeks. I mean, ya never eat much, but I’ve not seen ya eat at all.”
She narrowed her eyes at him, a wordless challenge. "You have been observing me?"
"Yeah."
"I do not need surveillance, Kanji-kun."
To that he simply tilted his head and waited. As she was about to turn away again, he said: "Yer never eatin' enough-"
“I have been busy.”
“Yeah, sure." She heard him shift and saw him move sideways so she could see his face again. "So?”
“So? I simply do not have the time to spend on such frivolous activates as worrying about a meal.”
He crossed his arms, sighed and shook his head. As if his vague question has been obvious! “So – pork or salmon. Which do ya feel like? The pork is a simple katsu and the salmon is grilled.”
If she had to admit it, it both sounded nice enough. However, she wasn’t actually hungry; the painful ball of emotion taking up all her stomachs’ capacity. “I do not need any- There is no reason for you to-“
“Yer ain’t eatin’. That should be reason enough.” He crossed his arms and leaned forward towards her, well entering her private space now. “An’ right now, yer keepin’ me from my lunch. Pick somethin’ already.”
She frowned as he opened the cloth of the two boxes, then let her head sink back to her arms. “Eat, then. I am not obstructing you from consuming any of your food.”
Naoto heard another annoyed grunt, then listened to the boy unpacking the layers of two bento boxes. “Tell ya what. We can share. And if you like one thing better, you eat that.” She turned her head as she felt a small paper envelope being pressed in her hand – disposable chopsticks. “But I’ll not leave till you eat.”
Her eyes slid shut. “That may be a bold statement, once our classes resume.”
Paper ripped and she heard him unpack his own set of utensils. “Maybe. Then again, I’ll be with my back towards Kashiwagi. Will give me a nicer view for a change, too.”
Lifting her head, Naoto stared back at him with raised eyebrows. There was a tiniest of blushes, maybe. Good. He should feel at least somewhat embarrassed at barging in on her like he did. His presence was unwanted and unwelcome.
Except... it wasn't. His steady presence over the last few weeks had slowly worn her down. Kanji's repeated vigils, the times he would shadow her on her way home or to school - she knew he had secured her need for privacy more than once and she had heard him argue even with Kujikawa-san, loudly, over the topic of 'Leave her alone already'. He had somehow appointed himself her guardian, and she... she had grown to accept him.
But her acceptance was of him, silently, in the background, not interfering with her. Somehow, this had now changed.
“Why? What I mean is,” she said, stopping him from replying by lifting one hand briefly before placing it back down, “why do you insist on … on…” Her voice trailed off. There seemed too much to list, and most of it, said out loud, sounded either like it would embarrass her in turn, or not make sense when spoken.
Kanji leaned one arm on the desk, pushing the offered lunch forward ever so slightly. “Let’s see.” He lifted his other arm and showed his first, uncurling the thumb. “One. Why do I insist on hangin’ ‘round when you try to make sure no one does? Because I don’t think ya really, really wanna be alone.” He added his index finger. “Two. Why do I want you to eat? Because I don’t wanna see ya get sick. …ya look awful.” With his middle finger he now showed three. “Three. I didn’t know what ya like, so I thought I let ya pick yerself.” Ring finger. “Four. I’ve been followin’ ya because someone asked me to.”
“Who?” she shot back.
He hesitated. He shook his head and whispered "You'd not believe me," then opened his hand fully. “Five. I wanna have lunch with someone an’ everyone else is busy today or sittin’ outside. ‘s too damn warm.” He tucked his thumb under his palm. “Six, yer my friend, damnit, an' there's only so long I can't do nothin' while yer in pain.“ His index finger ducked down again. "Seven. I've not seen yer out shoppin' and Teddie said he's not seen ya, either, so I guess you didn't even buy food in a week or longer. I won't let you walk home without having eaten something." Now only the ring finger and pinky were held up. "Eight. I'm a pretty decent chef, and I thought I might as well use the chance to show my stuff..." Here he trailed off, blushing.
Naoto put up both hands and sat up, her wrapped chopsticks falling to the floor. “All right, all right. You can stop now.” She watched him bend down and pick up the long envelope. When he righted himself, she continued. “We will have lunch, but do not expect an exorbitant amount of conversation.”
Kanji blinked, then shrugged. “You wanna be quiet? Tha's cool, I prefer to eat if I'm honest.” He nodded to the food. "Pick whichever ya like, Naoto. And if you like somethin', eat it up."
Naoto slowly unpacked her chopsticks. “…yes. But do not think I am- I am only doing this- What I mean-“
He waved her off. “Yer wanna be rid of me. This is the easiest way. Right?”
She eyed him, then nodded.
“Tha’s cool. So long as you eat.”
Staring at one another, they folded their hands over their chopsticks, in Naoto’s case bowing her head slightly, and started to pick out bits of food.
Naoto found that while the lump in her gut seemed as present as ever, her appetite slowly came as she ate. That Kanji was a more than simply passable chef absolutely helped matters. The food was very good, carrying the comfort of home cooking she did not allow herself too often.
If she had to be honest, knowing that he had prepared the food with her in mind did bring her some happiness. Yes, she still felt she needed to distance herself from the members of the investigation team. But maybe she could allow small moments like this one as well. If nothing else, it kept them at a manageable distance.
It brought, however, no further answers.
Chewing on a bit of sweet pickled ginger, she stared unseeing at the food. Her nightmare from the previous night surfaced once more. What did she want? That answer was very clear to her. She wanted Yu. She wanted him in her life so badly it caused her physical pain. Hurt her so much she felt like weeping. Just the sound of his voice, listened to endlessly on her phone, broke her heart with longing.
"How is it?"
Her thoughts of Yu interrupted, she looked up at Kanji.
"The food. How is it? Not too... not bland, is it?"
She blinked and focussed on the food in her mouth. The bit of katsu was nice, the pork wasn't tough, the sauce drizzled lightly to merely enhance the flavour. "It's more than passable." She looked at him and saw a strange glimmer in his eyes. She worked up a smile. "It is good, Kanji. Thank you."
Her smile slipped away as her thoughts reclaimed her. She didn't want to be here, good food or not. Naoto needed to be reunited with Yu, soon. The feeling of being whole when he was with her; the feeling of not needed to fight her battles on her own - she craved it. Still, there was the problem of how. Maybe simply moving to the city would help. Enrolling in his school would not be a problem. Finding a reason to tell Grampa would be easy, she could simply list credentials of the teachers there, or list certain courses Yaso-High didn’t offer. There were ways, if only she had the means to reach for them.
What exactly was stopping her? It should not be something as trivial as consideration for the other girls. Several of them she did not even know personally. Chie-senpai and Yukiko-senpai seemed to be doing well. Rise, clearly, was busy. So there was no worry there.
She refocussed as Kanji grunted and pushed a tray forward, pointing with his chopsticks at the last piece of salmon. She shook her head and leaned back. With a shrug, he picked it up and added it to some rice before plopping both into his mouth.
Naoto put her chopsticks down and watched him eat. Kanji would possibly be the only one to take any greater note of her being missing. She'd be out of the girls' way, and he, if nothing else, could find himself a new girl to try and watch over. Amagi-senpai would possibly like someone to keep the ridiculous "Amagi challenge" in check. Then there was Hanamura-senpai, the only other male on the team, and she knew Yu considered him his closest friend. Maybe Kanji could act so normal, because he did not miss Yu. Maybe Rise was right in her teasing several months ago and Kanji had an interest in her. Whichever it was, he seemed more relaxed today as he sat with her and ate.
She glanced away. “Thank you.”
He nodded, swallowing a mouthful. “Sure. Was it okay? I don’t make katsu often and we were out of sauce an’-“
“It was very adequate. I am sorry I did not each much. I assuredly am not keen on any food; it holds no reflection on your skill as a chef...”
“Ya. I see that.” He sighed. “Yer still not gonna tell me what’s eatin’ at you, hm?”
Naoto bit her lip, catching herself from looking at him. He sounded genuine, if nothing else. And, unlike the other girls, she didn't think he wanted to talk to her about it. Not really. If Rise was right, and the boy had feelings for her, the better for him not to know.
She shook her head.
Kanji grunted. “’kay. Well. Thanks for havin’ lunch with me.” He started to stack up the boxes and tied them back into their cloth squares. “If ya know what yer might like tomorrow, lemme know.”
"It won't be nec-"
He froze mid-tie. "Please, Naoto."
She looked up. His voice sounded strained, nearly raw, and the expression on his face underlined his plea, even though he was not looking at her directly. "Kanji-kun..."
"Lemme do this one thing at least. Let me do something, Naoto. Please. I... I jus'.... I need to do somethin'."
She tried to swallow around the lump in her throat. "I cannot possibly be the social engagement you need. I have... not been very pleasant company as of recent." Her eyes slid away from him. "As you surely have been told by Kujikawa."
He smiled sadly. "So long as you eat my food, ya can yell at me the rest of the day."
She hung her head. If she had fully been herself, she would have not said the next words. "Some plain onigiri would be appreciated."
"Onigiri. Okay." He grabbed the boxes and stood. "Thank you. Really. I was startin' ta worry I'd need to..." He smirked at her. "Baby ya."
As she watched him go, she wondered how long she would be a coward and not tell him she was madly in love with another boy.
"You really, really need to move out, Naoto-kun..."
She stood, her fists clenched at her side, shaking all over in utter fury. "I'd love to leave. How about you show me-"
"Tried that," her shadow supplied, sounded absolutely bored, twirling in an oversized office chair before a wall of monitors, "but all of your magnificent intellect and you still seem unable to actually go through with my proposal."
"You claim my only way out if self-harm. But I know that isn't true. I know there are other ways. There must be."
The shadow shifted. One hand held its cap on its head as it turned, throwing its legs over the backrest, hanging upside down before her. Bright yellow eyes stared at her. "Well, find it, Detective. Because you cannot stay here. This is my domain. My home. This is where I demand dominion."
"But... you brought me here."
It scoffed and the chair started to twirl, as if being pushed by an unseen hand. "Maybe, maybe not, whichever it is though - you've overstayed your welcome." The chair stopped, her shadow glared. "End it or get better, Shirogane!"
Naoto looked at her hands and noticed she held both Algernon and her phone. Faintly, she heard Yu's voice message replay to her.
"I know you keep that toy of yours in top condition, I'll happily supply the bullets-"
"Algernon is no toy; nor a mere tool!"
"Whatever you call it, use it!"
"No! Listen, you have tried to convince me, but to do that, I would need to stand alone. And I do not."
Her shadow took its cap off its head and rested it on its unnaturally flat chest with a smile. "Ooooh? That is quite a change from 'I will find my own reasons for living', Naoto-kun."
"If I were to stand alone, maybe. I cannot deny that this option has always been a part of me. But I do not stand alone."
"Not for lack of trying," her shadow mumbled and closed its eyes slowly. "Fine. Then the other."
Naoto's gaze fell on her phone, which still somehow looped Yu's last message to her. His last words repeated looped, again and again. "Call me. Call me. Call me."
With a groan, her shadow flapped its sleeve-hidden arms. "Call him already!"
"I cannot..."
"Why?"
Naoto blinked at her mirror-image. "You must be joking. The reasons are manifold and-"
"Be concrete, Detective Shirogane," her lab-coated doppelgänger drawled.
"What if I bother him?"
A scoff.
"I want his affections, not to anger him!" The moment the words left her mouth, she froze up.
"Oh, please. If you are his, if you are girlfriend and boyfriend... would a boyfriend complain about receiving a call from his loving girlfriend?"
She hesitated. Put like that... But... "This is... much more complicated."
"Is it," a bored voice asked, as the chair started to swivel again, "is it really?"
"Yes!"
"Would Kanji complain if you called him?"
She froze, looking up from her phone. "What?" She shook her head. "What is the segue here?"
"Kanji Tatsumi. Call him. Call him right now and see how he reacts."
"Out of the question! I want Tatsumi-kun to regard me well. He may be the only person currently in the whole of Yaso-Inaba whom I can entrust myself with. All other connections have been severed. Until I can reunite with Yu, I should not discount the chance that I have one remaining ally."
"Then find out. Call him."
"I would surely wake him and-"
"Call him!"
Naoto started awake, staring into the darkness of her bedroom. Her first impulse was to snatch up her phone and call Yu. She needed him. She needed his calm, even voice. She needed to tell him how much she loved him. She had to let him know she was still his. She ...
She numbly stared at his number for a while, until her display turned itself off.