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It had been a few months since BigB and Bdubs had gotten together, and in Bdubs' opinion, the relationship was thriving. Sure, they'd broken up one time… Or a few. But they were going strong! The small issues or frequent lies that got blown up out of proportion, and lead to them bickering and then fighting and then not speaking to each other until one of them got too lonely weren't an issue.
What mattered was that BigB and Bdubs' relationship had been thriving, and BigB's band even more so. Just the week before, they'd sold out a show in a venue larger than any they'd performed in before. Bdubs was there, and as much as watching so many people cheer for his boyfriend wasn't the ideal way to spend his evening, it was nice to see how much they'd grown as a team.
So when BigB, staying the night at Bdubs' house as he often did, announced that they were performing in a different city, Bdubs was ecstatic.
"Yeah, we'll have to make a trip out of it." BigB said casually, sitting next to Bdubs on the couch. "I don't know how I'm meant to make my way there, but I'll make it work, and I've got until the end of the month to get it sorted."
Something uncomfortable shifted in Bdubs' chest, but he forced it down. "You're making a trip out of it?" He asked slowly.
"Well, yeah, we're going away for the weekend." BigB shrugged. "Joel and Jimmy are taking the van with the instruments and Tango. Skizz is road tripping it with Impulse."
"And Etho…?" Bdubs asked, swallowing nervously. He didn't want to hear about him. Not now. Please. He didn't need to hear about his ex, who had moved on from him so soon, who had moved on from him with Joel of all people. He'd told BigB that he was over that relationship, but at times like that, it felt hard to be over it, when Etho and Joel were still as close as ever. It made something sour form in his mouth.
"Joel didn't mention Etho."
That gave Bdubs pause. "What? I thought they were like, together or something."
"Never officially." BigB said, as if it was just a fact that everybody knew. They weren't ever a thing. Officially. That felt better than it should've.
"Huh." Bdubs said quietly, not really knowing what to do with that information. So he changed the topic, trying to avoid anything related to his ex. "I can come though, right? We can make a trip out of it."
"If you'd like." BigB said, this whole conversation being far too casual for Bdubs' liking. Yes, he'd like to take part, yes, he'd want to go on a trip like that with BigB.
"Yeah, I'd like to join." Is what he said, instead of any of the things he could say. "How are you getting there?"
"I'm thinking we get there by train?" BigB said, nudging Bdubs with a laugh. "It's only an hour, and we can go the day before, take in the city, and then when the show's done, head back!"
"Sounds like a plan." Bdubs grinned. "Wait, wouldn't this be our first trip together?"
BigB frowned, thinking about it for a moment. "I guess it would be. This will either make or break our relationship, Bdubs. Are you ready?" It was phrased as a joke, but it didn't feel like one. The pain of splitting apart was too real, with Bdubs having gone through more times than he should've.
"Yeah! Yeah, this will make us, BigB! We'll never break up again after this trip!" A lie, probably, but what could he say? BigB was a bad influence.
When BigB found out about their scariest — and largest — concert to date, he was sitting in the practice room, tuning his bass, when Joel burst in, the widest grin on his face.
"Lads, we're moving!"
There was an outcry from the band. Skizz asked "what?!", Jimmy yelled "huh?", and BigB just blinked at Joel.
"Sorry, sorry." Joel held his hands up, looking incredibly proud of himself. "We will be moving for one night only. For I, the one and only Joel Small beans, have booked us a show!"
There was silence, as Joel's expected uproar did not occur.
"Joel, we've done so many shows." Jimmy pointed out.
Skizz nodded. "Yeah, they're like second nature at this point. What's so special about this one?"
"It's…" Joel paused, waiting for suspense that BigB did not feel, "in another city."
"Wait, what?" Jimmy asked, but his tone seemed more confused than anything. "How are we meant to get to another city?"
"The van!" Joel exclaimed gleefully.
Jimmy rolled his eyes. "The run-down van that only fits three people? If we're moving our instruments over?"
"Yeah! You, Tango and I can get in the van. Skizz and BigB can make their own way."
"We're meant to be making our own way?" BigB looked between the band members, folding his arms. "Are we meant to be finding our own place to stay, or…?"
"No!" Joel declared proudly, with that same grin he'd been wearing the entire time. And while BigB could understand that this was a good thing, it almost felt like Joel hadn't thought this through properly. "I've booked a hotel. Double rooms for all of you, in case you want to bring any partners. Am I right, BigB?"
BigB looked down, cheeks turning red. It was nice to feel included like this, laughing and talking about dates and relationships with the other Rejects felt nice, but did he have to be called out like this in front of everyone?
"Oh- unless you're like, on an off week or something." Joel hastily added, which almost felt worse. That was how people viewed their relationship, and BigB couldn't blame them.
"If we're bringing partners, can I bring Impulse?" Skizz asked, and BigB made the mental note to tell Bdubs about that. They'd been good friends, if he remembered rightly, and he was sure that the idea of Bdubs going on a trip with Impulse, Skizz, and Tango would be a good one.
"You can bring Impulse, yeah. The room's booked for the whole weekend, from Friday to Sunday, and the show's on Saturday, so you lot can go out on your dates or whatever you want to do."
Jimmy raised his hand. "Uh, Joel… When is the show?"
Joel stopped in his tracks, looking at Jimmy like he hadn't thought about that. BigB wanted to blame him, but knew that really, this was just because Joel was excited about the prospect of performing somewhere new. "The end of this month. You guys can make it, right?"
"I'll have to check my schedule…" Skizz checked his phone; he was one of the few Rejects who had a job outside of the band, the rest of them thinking the little money they made was enough to live off of. Skizz kept his, although worked less than before, in case it didn't work out. It was the smart move, but BigB had been caught up in the idea of the band and having a community that he'd quit his job as soon as the band became profitable. "I can call off work if not. I don't even work Fridays… Oh, whatever! I'll figure it out. Can you send the venue over too, Joel?"
"I'll send it to all of you." Joel confirmed, pulling out his own phone. Two seconds later, BigB's phone buzzed, telling him Joel had sent over a link. He'd look at that with Bdubs later.
The morning after BigB and Bdubs made the agreement to go by train, Bdubs turned to BigB and asked, "Where's this big show going to be at anyway?"
"Hermiton." BigB said, rooting through his messages to find the link Joel had sent. "So not too far. Here."
He showed Bdubs the venue, looking at it for the first time itself. It was larger than anything they'd done before, and that thought alone made him queasy. Times like that, he felt grateful that he wasn't the front man, the one that everyone looked at. They'd be too focused on Jimmy to pay attention to what he was doing. Hopefully.
"And you're planning on selling that out?" Bdubs asked, eyebrows raised.
BigB handed the phone to him, watching with growing anxiety at Bdubs' face grew even more impressed. "I suppose that's the idea. Joel never really said if we were meant to or not, but that's supposed to be the plan, right? We wanna sell out all venues."
Bdubs nodded slowly, more focused on the website than BigB. "£25 for tickets isn't bad. You'll sell out. I can't imagine anyone wouldn't want to watch you perform." He said with a cheesy grin, laughing when BigB's face turned red.
"Bdubs, stop it!" He batted his hands at Bdubs, feeling warm. He was nervous enough, he didn't need this as well. Although a small part of him did like that Bdubs was such a fan of the band.
"Am I lying?" Bdubs pushed further. At this point, he was just trying to tease BigB. "I'm not you, B, I only tell truths."
"I don't lie!" BigB said, and then, under Bdubs' gaze, added: "Anymore."
Bdubs folded his arm, raising his eyebrow. "BigB." It was meant to be playful, but that was how their breakups had started in the past. With playful teasing.
"I don't lie as much. To you. Better?"
Bdubs eased slightly, and it was only then that BigB noticed that, as playful as his tone was, he was still tense. "Better. I love you."
"Love you too, Bdubs." That was one thing he'd never lie about.
As the day of the big show drew closer and closer, BigB was spending more time at practice. Bdubs didn't like that; anything that took away their quality time was deemed an "enemy" in his mind, but he could shove down his own worries, as after every practice, BigB showed up at Bdubs' door with a wide grin.
"Hey!" BigB said, walking through the door, wearing a "Rejects" hoodie. Bdubs had the same one in his wardrobe, although, looking at the one BigB was wearing a bit closer… Was that Bdubs' hoodie?
"Hey!" Bdubs said in return, opening the door and letting him in. "How was it?"
"Ah, it was good, man. We've mostly been running through our newer songs, and we're still deciding a set list. We'll definitely be playing your favourite, though." He nudged Bdubs with a laugh. "Everyone likes that one cause it's one of our only actual love songs."
Bdubs knew the song well. It was one that BigB had written early on, before they were even official, when things were the messiest they'd been. It was a nice one, though, singing of love instead of whatever disaster they were at the minute. Bdubs still remembered the texts from that time, both of them desperately wanting the other to define their relationship, being too scared to do it themselves.
He much preferred where they were at now.
"Really?" Bdubs must've had some stupid expression on his face, because BigB laughed again. "Hey! What's so funny?"
"You're so funny." BigB said fondly. "It's that face you're pulling, it's so adorable."
Bdubs turned red, and let out a squawk. "Hey, stop that! You're making me all red, BigB!"
BigB tried to calm his giggles down, attempting to catch his breath. "Make me."
"Oh, you-" Bdubs shoved him, as BigB blinked at him expectantly, as if waiting for something. Finally, Bdubs got the hint and gave him a kiss. "Happy now?"
"I guess." BigB pouted.
Bdubs rolled his eyes and kissed him again, hating it far less than he seemed to. As much as he'd protest and put up a fight, he'd take any excuse he needed to kiss BigB.
BigB found that practice was getting tougher and longer. As excited as Joel was for the show, BigB couldn't help that feel like sometimes he was pushing them too hard. Shorter breaks and longer sessions meant that he was grateful for the time away from the band, with Bdubs.
"C'mon everybody!" Joel clapped his hands together. "Take five. Ok, I want you all to remember that this is our biggest venue yet. We'll have people who've never even heard of us going to this thing. People from another city."
"I know." BigB said with an exasperated expression. He'd heard this rant enough over the past two weeks, he didn't need it again. "We're all practising outside of sessions, and we're all preparing as best as we can. Joel, it's not the end of the world if one of us makes a mistake."
Jimmy nodded. "Yeah, mate, it's fine. We don't have to be working ourselves to the bone for this."
Foot tapping on the ground, Joel took a sigh. "I get that. I really do, Jimmy, and I know it'd be awful if we got burnt out before the show. I'm sorry. I just really want this to go over smoothly."
"But… why?" Jimmy titled his head.
"Uh- No reason." Joel cleared his throat, suddenly looking very red under the lightning.
"Joel," Jimmy started nervously, "has this got anything to do with the fact that you were asking if my sister was going to be there?"
That gave BigB pause. Across the room, he made eye contact with Skizz, who shrugged. Deciding it'd be better to stay silent and watch the scene unfold, BigB kept his eyes on Joel.
"Well, is she going to be there?" Joel asked, suddenly seeming a lot more quiet. "She lives over in Hermiton, right?"
Jimmy rolled his eyes. "She'll be there. But don't start any funny business, do you understand?"
"I won't!" Joel said defensively, puffing up his chest. It was an act BigB had seen numerous times, from himself, when he and Bdubs first started dating. His eyes flickered from Jimmy, to Joel, and then back to Skizz, and then he realised that whoever Jimmy's sister was, Joel had a thing for her. And that's part of the reason he was putting so much pressure on them — he wanted to look good for Jimmy's sister.
Etho:
hey can we talk?
i know we're not exactly on perfect terms, but there's something i wanna let you know.
Bdubs couldn't do much other than stare at his screen. What? Etho was speaking to him, acknowledging that they weren't on "perfect terms", and was making the first move to reconnect? A few months ago, Bdubs would've longed for something like this.
Now? He didn't really care too much.
yeah sure!
come over to mine tomorrow?
Tomorrow rolled around, and Etho knocked at Bdubs door, looking sheepish.
"What have you done?" Bdubs said, ready to hear some excuse for bad behaviour that he didn't need to hear.
Instead, Etho says: "Joel and I stopped talking. A while ago. I just thought you'd like to know."
Talking. Was that all they were? Really? The whole time, back when there had been so much conflict caused by the sheer existence of Joel and Etho's relationship, and they hadn't actually been officially dating. And now they were broken up, which meant all of that was for what — nothing?
He folded his arms, realising that honestly, he didn't want to deal with this bullshit. "What am I supposed to do about that?"
"Can you not at least feel sorry for me?" Etho asked, causing Bdubs to roll his eyes. "I liked him."
"Oh, I know you did." Bdubs grumbled.
Etho's mouth fell open. "Hey! We'd broken up, Bdubs, we were good. Ok? We've both moved on. How are you and BigB, by the way?"
"We're good." Bdubs said, not unfolding his arms, not letting himself soften for Etho of all people. "We're going to Hermiton at the end of this month with the band."
"Oh." For a second, Etho looked almost…. Disappointed. Disappointed that Bdubs' relationship was thriving, or disappointed that nobody told him about the trip? Bdubs hoped it was the former. "Why are you going?"
"Oh, no reason." Bdubs shrugged. "The Rejects are performing there, did nobody tell you?" He was being mean, and probably overreacting, but Etho had hurt him, and he was being petty, and wanting to lash out. With his ties to Joel severed, Bdubs had no reason to be civil with Etho. "What a shame. You could get a ticket and come with me, if they're not sold out."
"I- I'm good!" Etho laughed, and Bdubs could feel the discomfort radiating off of him. Good, he thought, watching Etho feel awkward, tripping over his words in the same way Bdubs once did. "I might check them out if they're performing closer to home, though."
"You should!" Bdubs unfolded his arms. "They've got some new songs out. Love songs, songs about new relationships… It's really awesome what they're doing!"
"Oh, yeah." Etho took a step back, trying to leave. That's what Bdubs wanted, so he gave Etho a polite smile. "I have some things I need to do, but it was nice to catch up! Glad to hear your little, uh, thing with BigB's still going strong, although I am here for you if that changes."
"It won't." Bdubs assured him, watching him leave with a wave.
He went back inside and closed the door, feeling a sense of happiness quite unlike anything else he'd felt recently. Etho had, in his opinion, screwed him over, getting with another guy so soon after their breakup. And now it almost felt like he was trying to do something similar — his disappointment at Bdubs being in a stable relationship, his promise to be there for him if it all fell apart, it all made Bdubs think that Etho still wanted him.
Or just wanted the attention Bdubs gave him. But it wasn't something Bdubs needed to worry about anymore. He had a real boyfriend now, somebody who actually loved him.
So he called BigB, and asked him to stay the night.
The week right before the trip to Hermiton would go down in history as the most stressful of BigB's life. Constant practice, Joel breathing down his ear, and he had to pack for the trip.
He stood in front of his bed, the almost empty suitcase laying on the bed. The only thing inside of it was an outfit that he only wore for concerts, so he knew he had to wear that. Anything else, and he was uncertain. He didn't even know what his plans would be for that weekend. Did he want to spend the weekend with Bdubs? In the hotel room, or out exploring? Did he want to go on a date somewhere new or not?
He didn't know. So he shoved some clothes he figured looked casual enough, and hoped for the best. One less thing to worry about.
And then there was the practice. When he had free time, he'd go over to their practice room and work on the music on his own. Because he'd get interrogated if he didn't practice, and if he made a mistake, he'd beat himself up.
He was starting to think that their "biggest show yet" was starting to be a bad idea.
The worst part? It meant that things with Bdubs were tense. Three days before they were set to head off, he was at Bdubs' place, and he seemed… Off.
"You've been practising a lot." He commented, trying to keep an air of nonchalance, but BigB knew him well enough to see right through it.
"I need to." BigB responded, trying to stay calm. He was close to snapping anyway, but he didn't want to snap at Bdubs. "It's a big show, you know this."
"I saw that it was sold out. Are you, uh, excited?" Bdubs tried to smile, tried not to show that there was tension bleeding into almost every aspect of BigB's life and he hated it.
BigB shrugged. "Yeah. Things have been hard, though. Joel's getting worked up about it, more than the rest of us, which means he's being harder on us. I can get through it, it's just not… Ideal."
"Not ideal." Bdubs echoed quietly. "And is that one of your lies, BigB?"
Unable to stop himself, BigB cracked a smile. Maybe even laughed. "No, no, I mean it. We'll be fine. I'm packed, I'm ready, I know the setlist back to front. I'm all good, man, I just need to get this show over with."
"Why does Joel care so much anyway?" Bdubs said, the tension in the room slowly dissipating as Bdubs' grin seemed more and more real.
"I think he's trying to impress someone?" BigB thought back to the conversation they'd had, the one about Jimmy's sister. "I think he's got a friend coming. A- a girl. He got defensive when Jimmy asked about it."
Something unrecognisable flashed across Bdubs' face, the type of face he wore when he was putting something together that BigB didn't quite have yet.
"What?" BigB asked, frowning as Bdubs' expression went from understanding, to something like hurt. "What's wrong?"
Bdubs didn't say anything for a few moments. Just sort of looked in the distance, like the pieces weren't fitting right. "Etho and Joel ended things. So Joel's already looking at someone else? All- all of what Etho did was for someone who was just like him, who moved on too fast? Really? I don't know whether to laugh at the irony or be annoyed that Etho did that. To me."
"I guess so." BigB hadn't thought about Joel and Etho, long ago deciding that it wasn't any of his business to keep the peace. All he knew was that Etho had once had a boyfriend, who happened to be Bdubs. And they'd broken up, and not too long after, Joel had begun talking about Etho in a not so friendly sense. BigB had met — and fallen in love with — Bdubs not too long after, and Joel was one of his closest friends, so anything to do with Etho was something he'd always kept out of. He didn't want to pick sides, to unintentionally antagonise one party by supporting the other. "Joel hasn't mentioned Etho for some while."
"Who is this girl, by the way?" Bdubs asked, trying and failing to be cool about it.
"Jimmy's sister. I think. She lives over in Hermiton, so she'll be watching the show to support him, and Joel's met her before… It's something I haven't really heard about. Nor is it something I really want to talk about, you get me? I didn't like the questions when we started dating. No doubt Joel will be the same."
"Yeah." Bdubs said quietly, lost in thought. BigB wanted to know what he was thinking, but he didn't want to pry too much. Bdubs would tell him when he was ready.
The night before they got the train out to Hermiton, BigB stayed over at Bdubs' house, leaving his suitcase by the door as they cuddled on the couch. They went over last minute preparations, like ordering tickets and making sure the dates were right. As soon as it was over, BigB tried to do another check, just in case they missed something, but Bdubs had kissed him with the reassurance that it would all be fine.
And well, as soon as that happened, all thoughts of practicality and responsibility went out of the window.
The next morning, BigB woke up early, much to Bdubs' irritation, claiming that the train wasn't going to leave until 3 in the afternoon, so why did they need to be up at 7?
Bdubs decided to roll back over and go to sleep, whilst BigB did the double-checking he'd missed out on last time. He got showered and ready for the day, and it was only once he was fully dressed, two hours later, that Bdubs reluctantly rolled out of bed and started getting ready himself.
"We went to bed early last night for this reason, Bdubs." BigB said with a fond laugh, watching Bdubs wipe his eyes and run a hand through his bedhead, groaning.
"Well, I'm sorry that I'm not a morning person!" He huffed, trudging his way over to the bathroom.
"I want us out of the house at quarter past two!" BigB called after him. "At the latest!"
He heard a grumble in response, which he took to be a sound of affirmation, and so decided to continue on with his routine for the day. Making sure he'd packed the right things into his suitcase, and preparing a bag with snacks for the train, a charger, anything he might need on his travel that he'd left at Bdubs' house at one point or another.
When packing his bag, his hand hovered over his headphones. Did he need them? When travelling in the past, he'd always just put some music on and allowed himself to relax, but he got the feeling that Bdubs wanted to talk — he loved chatting, and could easily talk BigB's ear off if he wanted to. It was endearing, and not something BigB wanted to miss out on.
He didn't pack them.
Then, the time came for them to head off to the train station. BigB drove them, leaving ten minutes earlier than he'd planned, which wasn't what he expected, given Bdubs' late wake up.
"Are you nervous?" Bdubs asked, reminding BigB that he wasn't just going on this trip to spend a weekend away with his boyfriend. He was doing a show. The show. Their biggest yet. Their show that had already sold out, something else that Joel loved to bring up when he wanted to make them nervous.
"I'm not nervous." BigB said, the lie coming easily. He didn't need to worry Bdubs, and he was afraid that talking about his nerves more would make them worse, ultimately meaning that he couldn't focus during the show. "I'll be at the back anyway. Nobody's looking at me, so I won't get the same pressure as the others."
"I'll be looking at you." Bdubs responded, the comment not intending to hurt BigB — he assumed Bdubs was trying to say "what about me?" — but it just reminded him that the people paying attention to him the most were the people he cared about the most.
Which wasn't exactly ideal, but saying anything opposing that would probably get Bdubs riled up. "You will. And I'll put on the best show for you."
That settled Bdubs, who stared out of the window with a grin, clearly looking forward to the show himself.
They parked up, payed for the car to stay there for the weekend, wheeled their suitcases through the station, and found their platform. Bdubs dragged him towards the train as BigB tried to crane his neck and reassure himself that it was the right train, and they weren't going to the wrong city entirely.
"It's this one BigB I swear. See? Dogwarts to Hermiton, Platform two, leaving in five minutes. This is Platform two. Stop worrying so much."
"I'm not-" BigB tried to protest, but Bdubs dragged him onto the train and found him a seat, one of those ones with a table in the middle.
BigB sat down, and Bdubs sat opposite him, giving him a look that told BigB he wanted to say something.
Not a moment later, Bdubs blurted out: "You've been lying to me again."
BigB's blood went stone cold. That was the type of accusation that was followed by an argument usually, and he didn't need that, not now.
"Relax." Bdubs said, placing a hand on top of BigB's, which had somehow intertwined themselves in his moment of panic. "You are nervous. And that's fine. The show's a big deal, I just wish you'd talk to me about these things. Let it out."
"There's nothing to let out." BigB insisted, even as Bdubs' hand tightened around him and the air got thick. "Joel's just been a bit worried. And I think he's passing it on to the rest of us. It's nothing I can't handle."
"Be honest." Bdubs said, firmly but not harshly. This was coming from a place of concern, but BigB just wanted to get this weekend done without blowing up.
He fixed his gaze onto Bdubs, took a deep breath, and said: "I'm fine."
Not happy with that answer, but knowing there wasn't much else he could do, Bdubs pulled his hands away from BigB. The loss of contact felt cold on BigB's hands, but just like everything else, it wasn't anything he couldn't handle.
The train started moving, and the journey began. The train journey was supposed to be just over an hour, and with tensions already high, BigB got the feeling this wouldn't be a fun trip.
After Bdubs had tried to get to the bottom of BigB's nerves, the first ten minutes of the train ride went on in almost complete silence. Sometimes BigB would stare out of the window, sometimes he'd go on his phone, looking at things that he didn't share with Bdubs. On the other hand, Bdubs tried to keep a close eye on BigB, noticing the little frown on his face, or the way he fidgeted with his hands when he was nervous. He was lying, again, and they both knew it. Bdubs just didn't understand why.
If this show was such a big deal, would it not be better for BigB to vent his frustration first, and then he'd feel calmer, and ready to perform? Of course, Bdubs had no idea what it was like to perform in a show like BigB, practice almost every day, and have the pressure of the largest crowd ever. He had no idea. But he knew BigB. Knew him better than anyone, past the lies, and the brushed off concern. Past his desperate attempts to stay in the shadows, and keep himself hidden to maintain this idea that he was "fine", as BigB himself put it.
Bdubs saw through this ruse, of course, but didn't know of any way to fix it. Seeking conversation anyway, he cleared his throat, getting BigB's attention. "So- uh. We're ten minutes in. Only about fifty minutes left. You know where the hotel is, right?"
"Don't have to." BigB replied, tone short. "Joel's picking us up from the train station in the van, if he makes it there on time. He set off early this morning though."
"Yeah, alright." Bdubs said with fake enthusiasm. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Can you, uh, sort yourself out before I get back? Thanks."
Bdubs rushed to the toilet, face burning red. Sort yourself out? Why did he say that? This wasn't what BigB needed, he needed space, time to breathe and prepare himself for the show, and instead Bdubs had hurled an insult at his face.
They were entering one of their cold phases. Which meant one of two things: they'd bicker and fight and sleep in a separate bed and then a separate house and then they'd go on break. Or one of them would force the other to talk it out. Bdubs knew which one was more likely, and which one he preferred. He would not let this weekend be ruined by this show.
Splashing some cold water onto his face, he took a breath and walked back out of the bathroom right in front of BigB. "We are talking about this. I don't really care how mad you get at me, or how disinterested you try and be, because we are working through this and we are having a nice weekend and a nice show and I don't think you'll be able to do that if you bottle everything up!"
There was a very long moment of silence. During which, BigB was expressionless. And Bdubs had worried that he'd said something wrong, and made this all worse.
It ended, and BigB cracked, exhaustion and worry seeping into his face as Bdubs quickly took hold of his hand. "It's just a lot." BigB said, with an almost defeated laugh. "It's already a big deal. We're sold out. People want to see us. I don't go online much, but I've looked at what people are saying, and they're all so excited, and I know this should be a good thing, but… I dunno, man, this has just been tough. I'm nervous that I'm gonna mess up, even though I know I won't because I've practised so hard, but you'll be watching, and even if I try and make myself as hidden as I can be, the band will still notice if I mess up." He paused, swallowing. Bdubs nodded, not saying anything, not wanting to overstep or interrupt him. "I don't want to ruin this for them."
"You won't." Bdubs was quick to say, wanting to reassure him more than anything else. "Do they know? About how you're feeling?"
BigB shook his head, which was what Bdubs expected, but it still sucked.
"Tell them. Tonight. Before the show, make sure they're aware that you're worried, and they'll help you calm down! Really, they will! I don't know Joel and Jimmy that well, but I know Skizz. And Skizz will hate that you've been walking around, feeling all miserable because of this show. Just say that you might not be on your a-game tomorrow, and remember that I'll be there supporting you. No matter how many mistakes you do or don't make. Look for me in the crowd, and ignore everyone else. Can you do that?"
"Yeah." BigB said, and when Bdubs squeezed his hand, he faltered slightly. "Maybe."
"It's one show." Bdubs said with a smile. "One show won't change anything. The location doesn't change anything, the amount of people doesn't change anything."
"One show." BigB repeated quietly. "And if something does go wrong?"
"I'll be there for you." Bdubs promised. "I'll be there backstage, after the show, giving you comfort. I'll be there in the hotel room to help you calm down. BigB, we'll be fine. Just make sure you don't bottle everything up, alright?"
"Alright." BigB said, and as much as Bdubs knew this problem wasn't over, for the most part, BigB seemed better. His shoulders relaxed, and he seemed better. Bdubs would check in with him after the concert, and make sure he was doing ok.
He would see to it that this went well.