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Why in the world has Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa?
By Gabe Birch
Published: 2 September 2018
In July, the Ottawa Centaurs announced that Ilya Rozanov was joining the team. Since then, everyone has been stuck on the same question: why?
Ilya Rozanov is a once-in-a-generation talent. Terms commonly associated with him are things like ‘phenomenon’, ‘prodigy’, ‘sensation’—basically any synonym of the word ‘miracle’. So when the 27-year-old Russian superstar announced he was leaving his two-time Stanley Cup winning team to join what is arguably the worst pro hockey team in North America, fans were taken back.
If you’re reading this as a non-hockey fan and wondering what the fuss is about: this is like if Tom Brady announced tomorrow that he’s leaving the Patriots to join the Cardinals. Or if in 2014 Cristiano Ronaldo left Real Madrid for Burnley. Or if Muhammed Ali announced in 1971 that he was retiring from boxing to become a florist.
To be frank, there is no precedent for a move like this.
During the break, pundits have been dissecting every aspect of this trade. A commonly heard question is whether it is a sign that Rozanov can’t handle the pressure that his reputation at Boston brings. For anyone who’s followed the Russian’s career, this seems unlikely. At no point has Rozanov appeared to do anything except thrive under the spotlight. In his rookie season, he made headlines for claiming he was going to score 40 goals. When challenged on this a few weeks later, he corrected himself: he’d meant to say 50. (In the end, Rozanov finished the season with 67 goals.)
Another popular theory is that there were ‘personality clashes’ between Rozanov and his old Boston team. Rozanov is famously blunt, outspoken, and very competitive so it’s reasonable to assume he could be difficult to get on with. The only problem with that theory is the total lack of evidence. The Raiders bid Rozanov farewell with a press statement so sentimental, excerpts could be mistaken for a wedding speech, alongside a riotous leaving party. Leaked photos from that party featured the entire team, coaching staff, and back office staff, so unless Rozanov was feuding with the janitorial team, we’re running out of possibilities.
“We’re super proud of everything Ilya Rozanov has achieved with the team. Bon voyage, Ilya, and good luck.” – Raiders Head Coach Desjourneys
Perhaps money, then? Rozanov likes his cars, perhaps he had his eyes set on a new Bugatti. Except we know the details of Rozanov’s trade and his Centaurs salary is barely more than he got at Boston. Compared to all other trades of players of this calibre, the Centaurs apparently lured Rozanov across the border with an offer of an extra loonie.
What does Ottawa have to offer that would tempt Ilya Rozanov?
Certainly not good hockey—the Centaurs finished dead last in the previous season, surrendering 318 goals and scoring only 99 themselves.
Some wonder if maybe he just really likes Ottawa. Of course, the only people wondering this are people who have never been to Ottawa. Ottawa is renowned for its total lack of things to do, other than work a 9-to-5 office job and sit in traffic. One of the few selling points for it as a place to live is that it’s close enough to Montreal that you could go on a day trip there instead.
But perhaps it is someone in Ottawa that inspired the move.
You may be thinking that there is an obvious flaw in this argument and that surely it would be easier for this person to move to Boston to be with Rozanov. Well, not if this hypothetical person had an equally persuasive reason why they can’t leave Ottawa.
Other hockey players are the obvious first port of call. There aren’t any established relationships between Rozanov and any of his new Centaurs teammates other than the many, many, many times Rozanov crushed them into the ice in embarrassing blowouts.
Rozanov doesn’t have any public friendships with other hockey players other than his Boston teammates. He follows a single fellow player on his social media—bizarrely, it’s Hayden Pike of the Montreal Metros. The fact that Montreal and Ottawa are close enough to theoretically carry out a long-distance relationship is enough for some fans to latch onto this as evidence; although this ‘evidence’ does require them to ignore Pike's wife and four children.
I feel like I might be losing some of you, so let’s take a brief pause so that I can acknowledge that yes, yes, of course, this is all ridiculous. Obviously, Ilya Rozanov has not moved to the Centaurs to more easily conduct his gay love affair with Hayden Pike in Montreal.
However, when we are dealing with a topic this incomprehensible, this ostensibly irrational, the only theories that can’t be easily dismissed are the absurd. (And if you’re already being driven away by Pike, I’m going to need to brace yourself for what’s coming.)
As the only gay player in the League, Scott Hunter is regularly rumoured to be in secret relationships with other players. Rozanov’s name often features as does practically every high-profile player, but if we are considering the theory that Rozanov moved to Ottawa from Boston to make a relationship easier, this one doesn’t hold out.
Other than statistically some of the worst players in the MHL, the only celebrities that Ottawa can offer are… Federal politicians.
Which is how we arrive at the #truzanovconspiracy. ‘Truzanov’ is a portmanteau of ‘Rozanov’ and ‘Trudeau’.
Yes, that Trudeau.
Justin Trudeau.
Indeed, a small yet fervent corner of the internet agrees that the only reason Rozanov would have wanted to move to Ottawa is for a person, and the most obvious person who’s bound to live in Ottawa for the foreseeable future? The Prime Minister, of course.
I’ll give you a paragraph break to catch your breath.
Truzanov fans know that what they’re saying is going to be met with heavy scepticism, so they come to the conversation armed with their own evidence. They have established detailed timelines of Boston-Ottawa away games matched to parliamentary records, showing when Trudeau and Rozanov’s paths would have crossed and where they could have stolen evenings together. They can point to every single instance when the PM has worn yellow on Boston game days. They use the numerology of Rozanov’s jersey and Trudeau’s premiership to apparently prove that they’re soulmates.
I first came across it a few weeks ago, had a chuckle, and moved on. At least, I intended to move on. What actually happened was that this pernicious theory sunk its claws into my brain and periodically the thought drifted through my mind as I went about my day. After all, as I stated at the beginning: there isn’t a rational reason why Ilya Rozanov now lives in Ottawa.
So maybe it’s not impossible that it’s because of true love.
@truezanov
SOS we've breached containment, an actual sports journalist has written about #truzanov
themontrealjournal.com/sports/hockey/mhl/o-centaurs/why-in-the-world-has…
@ilyatrudeau
WHO THE FUCK SNITCHED@ilyaroseanov
“a small yet fervent corner of the internet” does anyone else feel like a particularly weird bug being examined under a microscope?
@rozadeau
did this dude seriously just call Scott Hunter the fandom bicycle oh my god I can't breathe
@mrilyatrudeau
Wait does he actually agree with us by the end?
@truzanovisreal104
Well we DO have actual evidence
@scotthunterswifey
TRUDEAU WEARING YELLOW SOCKS ONCE IS NOT EVIDENCE YALL ARE INSANE
@ottawannawin
“What could ottawa tempt him with? Certainly not good hockey” @gabe birch your days are NUMBERED bitch
@mrsboodram
“statistically some of the worst players in the MHL” THAT HURT
@ottawannawin
The stats are wrong 😭
@mhlrumorreport
Has everyone seen this article about how Rozanov moved to the Cens because he wants to be closer to his secret lover……. (wait for it) Justin Trudeau
themontrealjournal.com/sports/hockey/mhl/o-centaurs/why-in-the-world-has…
@aarontmarble
We need the season to start up so that sports journalists can go back to writing about the actual SPORT and not this niche internet stupidity@grantnathaniels89
I followed you for ACTUAL hockey rumors, not this clickbait trash 🥱@goguardsgo
It’s the opposite of clickbait because I read it before the ending got spoiled for me and based off THAT headline I had no idea what was coming my way
@pipsnkips
I get this article is funny and all but doesn’t anyone else think it’s sad that the possibility @ilyarozanov’s having mental health issues is dismissed so quickly? Like yeah he’s been cocky in the past but that doesn’t mean he can’t struggle now
@sunshaneandroses
saying ‘he’s been cocky in the past’ about rozanov is like saying ‘shane hollander is pretty good at hockey’@pipsandkips
ok and…? you’ve just given me the perfect example of people making jokes at the expense of ilya’s wellbeing@sunshaneandroses
girl he doesn’t need me to care about his wellbeing, he earns enough $$$ to pay a therapist to do that.@scotthunterswifey
And Justin Trudeau apparently 😂@sunshaneandroses
STOP 😂@pipsandkips
both of you are horrible.
@metrosmeteors
Can’t stop laughing that “he’s fucking justin trudeau” is being treated as more plausible than “he just likes ottawa”
@hamilando44
Everyone stop scrolling and read this. TRUST ME. I know NOTHING about ice hockey but that doesn’t stop this from being the funniest conspiracy theory I’ve ever heard
themontrealjournal.com/sports/hockey/mhl/o-centaurs/why-in-the-world-has…
@lemetreaus
wth I wasn’t expecting an article about a hockey trade to end with “maybe it’s because of true love”. ESPECIALLY not an article about @ilyarozanov
@IlyaRozanov ✔
The prime minister of Canada is NOT my lover
@unofficialcensupdates
?????????????????@lahockeyqueen
@unofficialcensupdates Well there’s an update for you@goguardsgo
I certainly didn’t have this on my 2018 bingo card.@truezanov
This is a hallucination. This can’t be happening.@scotthunterswifey
everyone send thoughts&prayers to the centaur’s PR team. they’re only just starting to find out what they’re in for
@IlyaRozanov ✔
In fact I would like to publicly say I am not in a relationship with ANYONE mentioned in that article. I could never be in love with anyone who is worse than me at hockey.
@unofficialcensupdates
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????@itshollanover
👀👀👀👀